Welcome to Night Vale - 203 - The Kareem Nazari Show

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

You're listening to WMCG 1080am in Ann Arbor, Michigan. “My Love” by Scarlet Sails https://scarletsails.bandcamp.com/ The voice of Kareem is Adal Rifai. The voice of Doug is John Patrick Coan. The voice of Gina is Erin Keif. (Listen to Adal, JPC, & Erin’s podcast Hey Riddle Riddle https://www.heyriddleriddle.com/) Transcript available at http://welcometonightvale.com/transcripts WEATHER SUBMISSIONS ARE OPEN: https://www.welcometonightvale.com/betheweather 2022 US / CANADA / EUROPE TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” http://welcometonightvale.com/live Hot Night Vale merch! https://topatoco.com/wtnv Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's midnight Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and you're listening to the Kareem Nasari Show on 1080 KMCG. I'm your host, Kareem Nazari. My parents came to visit me this week. They drove in from Sagatuck, where they retired a few years ago to a lakehouse, empty nesters. They were getting cabin fever this winter, so they decided last minute that they'd head up to the big city of Ann Arbor to visit their son. It's been nice having them. I love my parents. Super smart, caring, good people, all that.

But I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my girlfriend and two cats, and Emma uses that second room as her office space, so it's been a little crowded and a little stressful. Plus, I do this late-night show, so my mom was a bit incredulous I didn't want wine at dinner. It's my callers that drink before my show, not me. I got to keep a fresh mind. Otherwise, you people out there will have me believing all your crazy conspiracies. You listeners get drunk and I debunk. You know that's how it works. But before we get to your calls, the reason I bring up my parents visiting is not to complain about my tiny home.

home. It's about the garbage that's filled their brains lately. I don't know which of you listeners got to my parents. Maybe they found one of your unhinged Facebook groups, but I'm not happy about it. There was a thing, an incident. I don't want to get into it a few years back, and ever since then, they've started espousing some strange beliefs. Not even the real conspiracies like the junk you all calling with, but bizarre stuff. My father, who was a scientist, he taught mechanical physics at Michigan State for 20 years said at dinner tonight, he doesn't believe the moon landing is real. But here's the crazy part. He said he believed that it was possible to get to the moon. That we certainly had the scientific know-how and technology to do it. He even agreed that the

footage we have was incredibly accurate. No, what Dr. Rahim Nasari said to me, his adult child, was I don't believe we landed on the moon because I don't believe there is a moon. And my mother agreed. She has a doctorate in marine biology. Dinner got weird. Emma poured herself more wine like to the lip of the glass and just stared at me with these eyes that said they're your family, dude. So no, I don't believe in the supernatural and I don't believe in pseudoscience, but maybe if there's one exception, after tonight, perhaps I believe that there are body snatchers. Okay, I'm already on high alert for tonight's show, so let's get to your calls. You're on the air. Hello?

Who is this? Then make one up. My voice where it sounds... Sure. What are you calling about? Unnamed caller? Okay, I was visiting family a few months back. They live in... Because I know the government is listening. Let's just say a small town in the desert.

And there was a whole story about how the moon was invented in the 19th century as a way to control werewolves. And you did your own research to verify this? You don't need a PhD to be a scientist. We've all been scientists at one point or another in our lives. You're such an elitist, Kareem. Listen, Doug, you sound like a Doug, so I'm just going to call you, Doug.

Okay? How did you know my name? Doug, I never thought I'd have to say this sentence unironically to anyone. But Doug, here goes. The moon is real. Follow the money, Kareem. Look who owns the moon. If you say George Soros, I'm hanging.

Wow, only took one call to get to anti-Semitism. New record, folks. It's going to be a long show tonight. Next caller, who's this? What do you got? Hey, Kareem. This is Gina in Ipsilanti. Sorry about that last caller there.

Just want you to know that you have a lot of listeners who love your show, love your thoughts and conspiracies. Don't always agree with you, but respect the heck out of you. Thanks, Gina. What's your question? Do you believe in doppelgangers? You mean, do I believe there are people who look just like other people, I guess? No, like there are two of the exact same person.

Oh, sure. or secret government cloning? No, I don't. Maybe? I don't know where doppelgangers come from, but I was in front of Frank's drugs just now on Western Michigan Avenue, walking home from the tap room where I just had some drinks with my friends, and I ran into you, and we talked for like a while. Just now. I was wearing a yellow hat, and I had my dog with me. He's a border collie mix with gray eyes. Do you remember? Just now? No, of course not. Plus, I live a little. I live in a little bit. I live in a little bit of in Ann Arbor. I don't really ever go to Ipsilante. How many ranch waters did you have tonight, Gina?

The thing is, Corrine, it was you. Gina, it was... You don't have a nail on your right middle finger. You showed it to me. You got your finger caught in a door jam when you were nine. It crushed the bone, and after an infection, the nail fell off. The doctors were able to save your fingertip, but now it's bent at the knuckle, and the nail just never grew back. And today I had a toothfold, and I wanted to get a root canal, but insurance doesn't cover root canals for molars. So I had to have it removed. And I was still a little numb, and I'm drooling a little bit when I met you. And maybe it was the anesthesia, or maybe it was meeting a celebrity, but I told you about my tooth pulled, and it made me sad, because I'm forever changed, and I will never get that

tooth back. And you were very sweet. You showed me your finger, told me how much it hurt, but how much you loved being different. Most people have boring fingers, but not me, you said. Most people have boring smiles, but not you, Gina. That's what you said. And it made me feel well. It made my day cream. How could you possibly know about... But then it got weird, because I realized as I was talking to you, it was midnight on a Saturday, and that's when

you do your show. And I asked if you were off tonight, and you acted confused. In fact, you seemed kind of lost, not like absent-minded, but you like literally didn't know where you were. Gina. Are you listening to yourself? That's not my doppelganger you talked to. That's literally a random dude that you drunkenly thought was me. It might not have been you, you, Kareem, but it wasn't a rando.

It was definitely a version of you. And this version of you thought he was from a city called Night Vale. Oh, of course. You're one of the Nightvale people. I heard about this place on every stupid podcast there is. Potsave America, you're wrong about. My brother, my brother, and me. Even Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Do podcast people just recycle the same storyline? I'm sure Night Vale is a real town. And I'm sure it's weird. But so is Marfa, Texas. So is Slab City, California. So is Lillydale, New York. There are lots of weird little towns to get obsessed with. Well, I hadn't heard of it until you told me about it in front of Franks.

And then when I told you, we were in Ipsilante, Michigan, you got excited. Mostly because I pronounced Michigan, right? And I thought that was strange. It's pronounced like it looks. And then you said you'd been stuck in that nightfall place since 2015, trying to get back to Michigan. And here you were, finally in Michigan. And you kept saying, Michigan.

Like it was a name you hadn't heard in years. And then you said you needed to see your family again. Wait a minute. And then I said, shouldn't you be getting ready for your radio show, Kareem? And you said, what radio show? I have a radio show. And I laughed because you're so very funny, Kareem. And that's why I listened to your show.

And we walked to my apartment. I live just up the road. I can see Frank's drugs from my back. window, and I played the radio for you, and lo and behold, there you were in my living room, listening to yourself on the air. So, I had to call because I thought maybe you were lying to your fans about doing the show live. You had to have recorded these shows, but nope, here you are, live. Gina, where's this man now, the one you met in front of Franks? Oh, you told me you couldn't remember your address, so I googled it. It wasn't hard to find. You should get one of those

data scrubbing services. Lots of crazy people out there, Kareem. You don't want them knowing where you live. You told him where I live? I mean, he showed me his finger and he was missing a nail. We're done here, Gina. Listen to me, folks. I started this show because I love conspiracies. I don't believe them, but I think they're interesting. And it's fun if you keep it fun. A few years ago, a man started writing letters to my mother, claiming he was me. Then he started calling the house, again, claiming he was me. And he knew a lot. I mean a lot of personal details about my childhood. And he had my mom convinced until one day he called when I was home. And that sent my mother and father both down an emotional wormhole. It messed them up. They're rational people. And since

that moment, they've been less so. So let's cut the crazy. Okay? If I'm going to keep this show on the air, you've all got to keep your cool. Next caller, you're on the air. Hi, Kareem. I'm so glad I got through. I'll let you know in a minute if I share that sentiment. What do you want to talk about? Kennedy, Area 51, Denver Airport. I want to talk about Nightfail. Oh, come on.

Just go outside. Look around you. The world is messed up. It's messed up enough without us needing to make up a fake town full of fake conspiracies that you heard on some Radiotopia podcast. You want to know a real town full of real government conspiracies? Detroit. Maybe you've heard of it?

Flint? Well, Flint is 50 miles up 23. Why do you need to invent new demons? demons aren't even real. They're folk tales we make up so we don't have to see the real harm, real humans inflict on each other every single day. So I don't want to talk about night fail. Well, I do. And it is real.

What state is night fail in then? You've got all the info? Tell me how to find night veil on a map. You're asking the wrong questions, Karim. Then help me. Teach me, oh, wise caller. What questions should I be asking? How I got out of night fail?

Okay, how did you get out of night fail? Well, are you going to... A friend of mine. She used to be the mayor of Nightvale, in fact, told me about a door. It wasn't attached to anything. It was two-dimensional. You could only see it from one side. I found the door just today, as a matter of fact, and I went through it.

And suddenly, here I was in Michigan. I hadn't been here in years. I haven't seen my family in years. Hold on. You also didn't ask me my name, Kareem. Don't you usually ask you? your callers that? Sure, but we got right into... Ask me my name. What's your name, caller?

My name is also, Kareem. Not such an unusual name, really. Don't you want to know where I'm calling from? Kareem? I'm calling from just outside my apartment. And this looks like my parents' car out front. A 2011,

four-screen Subaru Outback? Oh, and it's still got the Obama-Biden sticker on it. And one for Bernie. Like, Bernie Sanders? Did he run for president? Stop. Right there. leave my family alone, whoever you are. You know exactly who I am. I'm Karim Nasari, and I just want to talk to my parents again. I'm sorry to alarm you.

I think I'm frightening everyone. It's just that I have questions. Because I don't know if there were always two Karim's, or if you and I split off later, but my memories are your memories until I got that internship. And until this very evening, I haven't been able to get home. This is a prank call. I'm hanging up and I'm calling the police.

I don't think you should do... Listeners, I've got to cut tonight's show short. Let's just play some music. Here's... Fine. Here's Scarlet Sales with my love. Look at you, feeling blue. If I stumble all the way,

take my hand and light my... Surprise. Personal number. You have to worry about me being one of the crazy ones. I'm a total normal. Really boring. But I did want to call you to say that I was just staring

at Frank's Drugs on Western Minchigan Avenue. Sorry, Western Michigan. Nope. I can't talk. Western Milchigan. You know what road I'm talking about. Anyway, I saw you walk into a little doorway next to Franks. You were with an older couple.

Were those your parents? Anyways, when I walked down to the door, I wasn't following you, by the way. I was just being curious. But then when I got to the door you went through, it wasn't there. It was just a plain old ball. Where did you go? Was that even you? Oh, it's the other guy, wasn't it?

Oh, my God. Oh, I cannot wait to hear next week's show. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Okay, and if, like, you wanted to call me back, you can. I know you have a girlfriend. I don't mean like that. Just nah, shut up, Gina, Gina. Blah, stop talking me.

Okay. Hey man, it's Kareem from Nightvale. I want them to see where I've been living. I need them to believe me, even though you don't. Same person or, and I know you love Mom and you can't know what it's like to be afraid about what's going on. True existential terror, but you will. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by disparition.

The voice of Kareem was Adel Raffai. The voice of Doug was John Patrick. Cohen. The voice of Gina was Erin Keefe. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's song in the middle was My Love by Scarlet Sales. Find out more at scarlet sales.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Or eaves drop on the conversations of neighborhood dogs Oh, woof-woof? Really? So interesting.

Woof-woof. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our upcoming tour. And how to be the weather on Nightvale. Yes, you. I mean, if you are good at music. Today's proverb, sun's out, guns out, moons out, moons out, spoons out, spoons out, stars out, Lars out. Hi, Lars. Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number Nine, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcasts. Boo.