Welcome to Night Vale - 209 - The Black Coat

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

The Distant Prince wears a golden coat and has always existed. Weather: “Ultimatum” by Elle PF https://ellepfmusic.bandcamp.com/ Transcript available at http://welcometonightvale.com/transcripts 2022 US / CANADA / EUROPE TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” http://welcometonightvale.com/live Hot Night Vale merch! https://topatoco.com/wtnv FACELESS OLD WOMAN novel now available in paperback! https://www.welcometonightvale.com/books Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show: http://patreon.com/welcometonightvale/ Music: Disparition http://disparition.bandcamp.com Logo: Rob Wilson http://robwilsonwork.com Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. http://welcometonightvale.com Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show. Produced by Night Vale Presents. http://nightvalepresents.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony

talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have random horror number nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. What's the difference between a horse and an attic?

What's the difference between an electric shaver and a driveway? What's the difference between anything and anything? Why won't anyone answer me? Welcome to Nightvale. Well, we thought we had rid ourselves of him for good, but it seems the distant prince is up to his old antics. Diane Creighton, who was driving out to have lunch with her son at Nightvale Community College, reported seeing what may have been the court of the distant prince. She wasn't sure because it was very far away, and she closed her eyes and screamed for the rest of the drive.

But she thought she saw the mangled servants and the hollow-eyed. weepers and, of course, the terrifying harbingers of the distant prince. She did not see the distant prince himself, which is good, because then she wouldn't have been able to communicate with words, only gasps thick with blood. Fortunately, she was unscathed, and ate at the Panda Express in the Student Center with her son Josh, who, when asked how his classes were going, expressed that they were fine. If the distant prince is back, that this is terrible news indeed, because it can only mean we are once again perilously close to the narrow place, and the crooked path that leads to it. I do not want to walk the crooked path. I do not want to pass through the narrow place. No.

Anyway, more on that soon, or never again, maybe. Wouldn't that be great? But probably more soon. I received a strange phone call. Now, I received strange phone calls as a matter of course. In the morning, I receive my breakfast strange phone call, which is usually some kind of chanting, although sometimes it is screams. Then around noon, I get my lunch strange phone call, which is my Aunt Trudy telling me about the family, except that I do not have an Aunt Trudy, and everyone she tells me about is long dead. And finally, in the evening, I have my dinner, strange phone call, which is from something called the IRS wanting to talk to me about something called a tax bill. I always just laugh and say, nice try, and hang up.

But this phone call did not come at any of the usual times. Instead, it came in the middle of the night, and the voice on the other end was that of Kareem. I think it was the Kareem that claims our town isn't real and not the Kareem that once interned at my station. and there are two Karim's now, which is confusing. We used to have advice in this town about what to do with your double. But it seems no one follows good advice anymore. Karim was babbling on something about how he had reached out to an organization that would be very interested in Nightvale, and that we would not remain hidden in the desert for long.

Yeah, okay, Karim, sure. We'll see who catches up with me first, your mysterious organization, or who will be? whoever these IRS jokers are. Good luck to all bands. So, no one tell him, but I've been preparing a little surprise for my husband Carlos. I guess you could say it has been 10 years in the making sense, and I can't believe it. June 15th will be the 10-year anniversary of Carlos arriving in town. I don't even know how that's possible. Time flies. Ten years feels like only yesterday, But, of course, if you saw photos of yourself from then, you'd think, oh, wow, how embarrassingly dated. Ten years ago, we were all listening to the muttering voices coming from the shadowed alley downtown

and wearing the silver hats that the muttering voices told us to wear and doing that strange, shuffling dance the muttering voices commanded us to do. Uh, 2012 fashions are the worst. But now it is almost ten years later. and we have such a surprise for Carlos. But don't tell him, but also, e-e-he! So excited. This has been our most important headline. Well, unfortunately, there has been another sighting of the distant prince.

This time it was Josh Creighton, on the way back to his apartment near campus, and feeling guilty that he once again chickened out of telling his mom that he's considering dropping out of school to pursue acting full-time. His theater professor had expressed that he had real talent, particularly because his shapeshifting nature allows him to fully inhabit any role he chooses, whether it is Abraham Lincoln, Mary Todd Lincoln, or a 300-foot-tall redwood tree. While going over this again and again in his head, he looked up and saw with horror, the crooked path, and the narrow place beyond it.

Although he did not see the distant prince with his eyes, he did detect him with his other senses. Josh could taste the distant prince in the back of his mouth, a bitter putrid aftertaste. And he could hear the distant prince in his teeth a whisper-like radio waves from a hostile alien world, and he could smell the distant prince like sweet ash on the early afternoon air. He said he felt like he might throw up, and so transformed into a meandering brook full of fish and frogs, a form he finds soothing, and that also physically cannot throw up. Listeners, I myself once walked the crooked path, and I entered the narrow place, but I do not remember what it was like inside. And every time I try to remember, it is like my brain turns to ice. Some part of me does not want to remember.

It was something about, it was, I wore a black coat and it never existed. But I don't know what that means. I'm sorry, I need to talk about something else. And now, a word from our sponsors. Lipton iced tea. is a refreshing tea category bottled beverage. And also, in 1943, four boys in England were poaching on the Hagley estate near Witchbury Hill

when they came across a skull in the hollow of a tree. This skull was determined to have belonged to a young woman who had been in the tree for two years. The young woman was never identified. Soon after, graffiti appeared in the city of Birmingham, I'm reading, who put Bella in the Witch Elm? Since then, more graffiti has appeared regularly over the years, most in the same handwriting as the first, asking and asking the question that has never been answered.

Who put Bella in the Witch Elm? Lipton Ice Tea. Who put Bella in the Witch Elm? This has been a word from our sponsors. Listeners, I... I don't know how I got here. I was moments ago in the booth in my radio station, and now I'm on the crooked path to the narrow place. My hands were on the worn wood studio table, and now my feet are on the bone-dry dust.

I once walked the crooked path, once lost myself in the narrow place. but I will not do it again. I will not. And yet, I can see the narrow place, and there is something. There is something coming out. Some grave error in nature's pristine design, a horrible...

What? I cannot imagine. But I must find out a reporter must report, even as my insides quake and my skin loosens. But I am step by step walking, down the crooked path to meet whatever it is that is arriving from wherever it is arriving from. But first, an important correction. In a previous broadcast, we told you about Hendrik Nairalsby, a pharmacist and hobbyist

blues guitarist who has started an open mic night at the Pinkberry. Hendrick, originally from Tulsa, had moved to Night Vale when he heard a strange broadcast phasing in and out on the radio of his 1998 Chevy Cavalier. It was a voice he had never heard before, cutting in amongst the sound of Seven Nation Army playing on Z-104.5. The voice on the radio was giving him news from a town that was unfamiliar, and the content of the news made him feel panicked and upset. His hands tapped the steering wheel,

and he told himself that it was a normal thing to do, but he knew that his body needed on some fundamental level to move, to fulfill the chemical urge, to flee. When his panic was over, Hendrick found himself on a dirt road he did not recognize, which, after a long day's drive, took him to a town he did not recognize. There, on a street called Bramblecourt, he found a house he did recognize, as he had dreamed of it every night since he was five years old. It had a blue door and a white shingled roof. The door was unlocked and inside the house was set up just for him. There was fresh food

in the fridge and the book he had been reading at his old home that morning was sitting dog-eared on the nightstand and from then on Hendrick has been a valued member of our community. A small correction on that story. It turns out that the entire thing didn't happen that Hendrick doesn't exist and that I made it all up. We apologize for this error. And now for a message about new Roaring Rapids brand showerheads. We at Warring Rapids are proud of our family of products. Our showerheads are made from the sturdiest materials available and are designed to facilitate water onto your body at speeds that most shower companies would deem unsafe. And sure, it turned out that those water speeds are unsafe and we've flayed most of our

customers enacting the slow process of water erosion on their flesh at rates unheard of in history. And as a result, sure, we are having to recall all of our showerheads and make this federally mandated message alerting you to that fact. And sure, all of us at Roaring Rapids are facing long prison sentences, except Jeremy, who fled the country, and last we heard, has started a cult-like agrarian compound in Chile. That all is true. But still, we are proud of what we did. We made real scientific breakthroughs to get water pouring at rates far more than your home's water pressure should allow. It was hard, but we did it, even if a few people had to die. even if every single one of our customers had to die.

It was worth the achievement. This is a complete recall of Roaring Rapids brand showerheads. If you still have your body intact, you should return the showerhead to wherever you bought it. We remain defiant and proud. Well, okay. It's a good thing Carlos and I never opened our new showerhead after Steve got it for us for Christmas. It's not that we didn't want to try it, but neither of us are particularly handy and replacing a showerhead. It seems like a lot.

Anyway, lucky break for us, I guess. Listeners, I am walking the crooked bath toward the narrow place. I can hear the nauseating chuckles of mangled servants all around me, but for the sake of my town, for the sake of my community, I have no choice. I have to see what is emerging from the narrow place. The throatless gaggle scurry up the walls around me. I avert my eyes. I have no wish to see. From far, far away, I can feel the distant prince's gaze as he watches me approach.

Something is moving, deep in the depths of the narrow place. A figure walking, no, lurching toward me. It's emaciated and barely on its feet. And now it is here, and it falls into my arms. The figure is wearing a long black coat and a low black hat. It is me. I have walked out of the narrow place and fallen into my own arms more soon. But first, let's go to that weather.

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From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. I followed myself home, this other me, stumbling meekly through familiar streets. I asked who are you and how did you get here? but I did not answer. I wore a black coat and had never existed. The distant prince

was a golden coat and has always existed. Every block that we passed there seemed to be less of me, the me and the black coat. I couldn't quite say how because it looked exactly like me, but every step diminished me and the coat hung looser

and looser about my shoulders. This was the me that had passed through the narrow place. I am the me that did not. A divergence, resulting in two versions of myself, this much I understand. And now that I have come back from whatever terrible nothing exists on the other side of the narrow place. But I did not come back whole. Whatever the distant prince keeps behind the narrow place has left me hollow and shambling,

less and less of me, this time quite literally. When I looked again, I did not have a nose. It is quite upsetting to see your own face, but without a nose. Think about this now. Think about looking at the mirror and seeing your face, but the nose is gone. So, you will understand why I vomited in the street. And this other me, he vomited too for exactly the same amount of time stopping precisely when I did. I wore a black coat.

And never existed. By the time we got to the studio, I had only one eye. My chin was three inches shorter, and one leg has started to retract into my torso. I helped myself along, because he could barely walk. He did not thank me. I am not confident he was aware I was there. I helped him into his seat behind the microphone. He looked at the broadcast booth in wonder,

like an exile allowed to return to his home after a lifetime of wandering. He licked his one remaining lip with the half of his tongue he had left. Traffic, he whispered in a hoarse and horrible voice, and then his eye became alert. And he looked at me, urgently. He asked, Carlos. The effort of saying the word made his body shake. I told him, no, Carlos is safe. He is with me. And this other me nodded, his partial face showing profound relief.

He leaned back into his chair and kept leaning and leaning till there was nothing left of him except his black coat, which smelled of cinder and sickly sweet candy. I wore a black coat and never existed. The distant prince wears a golden coat. And as always existed, I am sorry for what happened to this. other me, but I am also so thankful that it was not me. I am not in the narrow place. I don't think I am.

I don't think I'm in the narrow place. Stay tuned next for the crooked path. Stay tuned next for the Worley gig howlers and the court manglers and the harbingers. Stay tuned next for the narrow place. Good night. Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disperition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Ultimatum by L.PF. Find out more at L-P-F-MU-F-MUIC dot Bancamp.com. That's E-L-L-E-P-F and then the word music. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com Or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio.

Or drink a big glass of water. You're probably thirsty. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our live tour of the Northeast and Midwest that is happening very soon. Get those tickets. and our special 10-year anniversary poster. Today's proverb, I think it's kind of selfish, but you've only been flossing your own teeth. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me

and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please, rate and review each season, our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.