Welcome to Night Vale - 214 - The Comet's Tail

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

We're passing through the comet's tail. Only good things can happen. The voice of John Peters is Mark Gagliardi Weather: "I Could Feel You" by Evelyn Frances Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts 2022 EUROPE TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Hot Night Vale merch! FACELESS OLD WOMAN and THE HALLOWEEN MOON novels now available in paperback! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

So this horse walks into a bar, and the bartender nods. The horse then taps a code with its hoof. A doorway behind the bar opens into a dim, smoky room. The horse enters. Welcome to Nightfail. Our top story today is about astronomy. Wait.

Is it astronomy or astrology? I think one is the scientific study of the stars and planets while the other is mysticism. This is a story about a comet passing near the Earth, So I'm going to go with mysticism. In that case, I think the correct word is astronomy. Okay, starting over. Big astronomy news, Night Vale.

The Earth will be passing through the tale of comet D-1770 L-1 today. And the comet itself will be fully visible in tonight's sky. D-1770-L-1 is commonly called Lex-Ex. Lekyll's Comet. And it was last seen in the 18th century. Astronomers, using magic crystals, managed to map the orbit of the comet, but then the comet unexpectedly disappeared. Lexel's Comet was long thought lost.

But nope. Here it is, once again, mysteriously passing within a hair's breath from our fragile little planet. I'm sorry, listeners, but our radio station hotline is ringing. Hello, you're on the air. How to Cecil? John Peters, you know, the farmer? I sure do. What can I do for you, John? There's someone in my cornfield, Cecil. I can see them right now.

Oh, well, John, I'm not sure what I can... They're right there in my cornfield. A whole mess of them. They're crouched down and trying to hide behind the tall stalks of corn. Real healthy crop this year, yep, I gotta say. I'm sure it is, John. But it's real strange a watch a watch a... all these people trying to hide in the rows of corn stalks, because it's invisible corn, you understand.

Oh, yes, I know all about your invisible corn. And the thing is, these people look so dang silly, crouching and ducking in this giant field full of corn, you can't even see. It's like that Mime show. What was that Mime show that was on TV in the 70s, Cecil? Come on, you remember it, had old what's their heads in it? Shea, uh, Sheila, Sheena. Shield? Sheels and Yarnel.

Well, I'm sure you'll think of the name. Anyway, I just wanted to let you and your listeners know about these weirdos in my cornfield. Later, buddy. I'm glad you did. Thanks, John. Well, I'll get back to some interesting comet facts in a minute. But now it's time for sports. This Friday, the Night Vale High School Scorpions return to gridiron action against the lizard monitors of of Pine Cliff. Last year, the Scorpions got off to a hot start, but fell short of the playoffs after losing three in a row to close the season. Coach Latrice Beaumont says she has high hopes for this year,

specifically because they're bringing a new defensive strategy to the team. When I asked her to elaborate on this new approach to defense, she explained. I, well, I, okay, I forgot to write her explanation down or record it, but it was something to the effect of our very, Strong and fast athletes need to stop the other teams strong and fast athletes from performing basic addition.

If we can keep them from adding a bunch of numbers together, then our numbers will be higher than their numbers. I am very excited to know that our local teams are finally utilizing advanced metrics. Go Scorpions! And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by Hewlett Packard, who asks, What about ghost cats? Why aren't we talking about that? I mean, can't a cat become a ghost?

Why do only humans get to be ghosts? And if your cat was a ghost, would you even notice? Oh, oh, wait. How about flying cars, but they're made of birds all strapped together, like with bungee or gorilla tape or something, or just gorillas holding the birds? Gorillas can't fly, but if they're holding enough birds, they sure as heck can.

We're just spitballing here, but who? Ew! What about fireworms? Holy crap, can you even imagine? So cool. Hewlett Packard. No, no, no, no, no. We got it, we got it. Microfiber ant farms.

Dude. This has been a word from our sponsors. And now back to the return of Lexell's comet, which is currently passing dramatically close to the earth. So much so. that we are inside the comet's tail. Now, astronomers use a precise measurement system that involves ancient incantations to, in praise of the old gods.

This is how they track the orbits of comets. So in 1801, the Paris Academy of Sciences announced... Okay, sorry, listeners. Hello? Howdy again, Cecil. It's John Peters. You know the farmer. Yes, John. Hi.

I hate to bother you, but false alarm on that earlier story about them people in my cornfield. Turns out it's just some kids fooling around out there. I really thought they were corn thieves or worse corn vandals, like them folks up in New York City always rot and dirty words on their corn. Uh, that doesn't sound right. But nope, this was just a few dozen neighborhood kids playing grab ass in the corn. You know how kids are. They see a cornfield and they just want to gather a hundred or more of their friends

and pretend they can't see each other hiding in broad daylight. Wait, how many children are in that cornfield, John? You don't even live in a neighborhood. You live on a farm so they can't be neighborhood, kids. Say, I heard your story about the Scorpions. I think they got a good team this year. Might go all the way to state. Got improved that defensive line, though.

Like you said, C-Sil, them boys in the Agap are getting blown right off the ball. That leaves the mic unprotected, and in cover one, that can lead to big plays up the gut. Eh, that's roughly how I reported it, yes. Okay, John, I've got to get back to the... Well, Ciesel, I got to get back to the farm and got to go out and tell them kids, it's all right if they want to be in the cornfield, just no stealing or breaking my corn. And absolutely no rat and curse words on it, neither. Bye, John.

Okay, well, more on the comment soon, but we've got to get to traffic. Looking now at the local highways and byways, I can see that. all of the tractor trailers have become sentient. They're driving around with no humans behind the wheel. They're currently circling SD's truck stop over on exit 13 of Route 800, so I imagine that means gas prices are really good there. If you're out on the road right now, listeners, let me warn you right now to keep your eyes open for sentient big rigs,

and follow them to Estes Truck Stop for an affordable fill-up. This has been. Traffic. Oh, a new man came to town. I met him the other day at the spiked hammer coffee bar. He had a microphone and a laptop. He said he was a podcaster. Well, we have all been podcasters at one point or another in our lives. This man seemed sort of lost and lonely. So I thought I would welcome him with a friendly, identify yourself, interloper. He said his name was Joseph, and I said, Hi, Joe, I'm Cecil. And then he said, please don't call me that.

And I winked real big and said, why would I call you Cecil, Joe? That's my name. He laughed. Not a hearty laugh and a knee slap. More like a heavy sigh and fingers to his temples. I apologized for the silly joke about his name and offered to buy Joseph a coffee. He cringed and said, they don't filter their coffee here, though. It's just chunks of smashed up beans floating in warm water.

And I chuckled quietly to myself because it was clear that Joseph had never had a real, Franchion-style espresso. But he seemed like a smart and likable person. So I invited my new interloper friend to come up to the radio station anytime he wanted. Perhaps he'd like to be part of my new interloper spotlight segment, or maybe just learn more about broadcasting. Radio is the future, I assured him. Then I offered him an internship.

He laughed. It wasn't a ha-ha laugh, more of a single, ha laugh, like a gunshot or a belly flog from a high dive. I told him to think about it and got up to leave. But before walking away, I asked, oh, say, what's the name of your podcast? And he said, get this, he said, welcome to night veil. That's when I laughed. It wasn't a ha-ha-ha-ha- laugh, more like a ha-ha-ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Like the spin cycle of an unbalanced washing machine. This Joseph guy is a real delight. If you run across him listeners, give him a friendly shout and point. Oh, and Joseph, if you're listening, good luck with your podcast. I'm happy to come on and. as a guest anytime you need me.

And now back to the comet. So, last I left it, astronomers had divined through the dregs in their teacups that Lexell's comet shortly after it passed by Earth in 1770 must have gotten too

close to Jupiter. The gravitational sway would have then caused the comet to get slingshotted into a totally different direction, but today proves that that is... Oh! Hello! How'd it, Cecil? It's John Peters.

Yes, the farmer. I know. What is it, John? Okay, good. You remember me. Well, it turns out it was a false alarm on the false alarm. I went out to talk to them neighborhood kids, and they ain't normal kids. Ain't from around here, neither, I don't believe. They're all feral-like, and they don't speak in any language I ever heard of. There wasn't no discernible syntax or even differing words.

only a series of high-pitched staccato squeaks like the sound shoes make on a hardwood floor during a basketball game. But I didn't worry none about their language. I was worried about them killing a bunch of animals in my cornfield. Wait, what? I said, I was worried about them killing a bunch of animals in my cornfield. What kind of animals, John? Well, mostly rats and some grackles. Nothing any of us gonna miss, but they're getting blood all over my corn.

I cannot sell bloody corn. Plus, the weird thing is they weren't just killing these things with magnifying glasses and acid baths like normal kids. No, they were ritually sacrificing these poor creatures to some God. Now, I don't know their God's name, but I think they were trying to convert me to their religion. They kept chirping at me, and then they drew a picture. of their god in the dirt. It was a winged serpent. Now, this winged serpent

wasn't nothing like the beautiful Aztec god Ketzelko Wadl who controlled the wind and the crops. Plus, these kids' language dress and aesthetic depictions of their gods were far from those of the ancient Mesoamerican cultures who built the Aztec pantheon. Besides, this winged serpent looked more like a big old rat snake with some little fluffy wings, not dissimilar to the kind you might put on a baby for Halloween.

I'm losing the thread here, John. Long and the short of it, Cecil, is something needs to be done about these kids and their very aggressive religious practices. I'm okay with people finding God and talking about it all the time, just not on my land. I'm a little scared to get back out into the corn

and talk to those children because they got a bunch of scary-looking farm tools. And I remember seeing that Stephen King movie from back in the 1980s. You remember that movie, Cecil. had a bunch of children, and they were in the corn. What's the name of that? Chariots of Fire.

That's the one. Woo! Catchy soundtrack that movie. But scared the bejeepers out of me. John, we're up against it here. Good luck out there. Okay? Well, I gotta be going. Gotta feed the cassowaries.

Chow, Bubba. Listeners, I'm so sorry. I was excited to talk to you about the comet today, but we're just running short on time. Let me take you now to the... Oh. Wow, would you look at that sky? Just the brightest golden glow.

Courteous. Our planet must be in the heart of the comet's tail. Right now. It's as good a time as any, then, for the weather. Sunny. Resty is well cut down your leaves stuck to bones. Isn't this? And we're back. It looks like the Earth has finally passed out of Lexell's Comet's Tale.

But that doesn't mean that you can't still catch a beautiful image. Oh my God! John, what is it? Hey, Cecil. Well, I went to talk to them kids again. This time they didn't say nothing. They just stared at me. And it was only then that I noticed they didn't have any irises or pupils. Just solid white eyes.

And all of them had gray, lips. And as I was trying to figure out if they were possessed or undead or just really goth, I heard one of them start humming. Then all of them started humming. And I saw they were in a circle around me. Then I felt something grabbed my leg. I looked down and it was the biggest snake you ever did see. It started coiling around my body. But it didn't crush me. It lifted me. It lifted me. high into the air. And we were flying. I was flying. I was prouder than a baby goose in springtime, but scared her than a snail in assault parade. And this snake thing took me up into the sky, and we entered what I thought was heaven, but I think it was just a metaphysical palace. The

inside of it was a vast room. It was not ornately detailed like one of them Taj Mahal's, but it was made entirely of gold, and it smelled like cake and jam. And when we stopped, I saw that I was all alone in this palace, except for a tall buttressed plinth in the middle of the herringbone-tiled floor, and on top of that was a handmade scarecrow doll, no bigger nere a corn. I reached down to pick up the totem, and suddenly I was back on. the ground again, back on my land. The kids were gone, the serpent god was gone, but so was all my corn. What once was a vast field of corn so invisible as to make the field look empty was now just a vast empty field.

I'm still holding the scarecrow doll now, Cecil. And it has my face. Sorry. It's pretty cute, though. I'll probably put it up on top of the mantle. But still, I'd rather have my corn crops than this effigy of myself. Thankfully, though, my avocados and peppers came in real nice this year, so I'll be okay. Do you know what happened to the kids? Oh, who cares? They're probably off trying to convert other people to their religion. You know how kids are. Once they get into snake gods, they just don't let it go. They'll eventually get bored and go do something else. Some new Zelda game will come out and they'll be back on their intendos. I'm just glad them kids were

playing outside. Say, you never finished your story about the comet, Cecil. Oh, there's nothing to say. Really, it's just a regular old comet. Same as every other comet. A little closer, yes. But there'll be more. Anyway, Lexell's comet is visible tonight in the southwest. It should be a little brighter and a lot prettier than our stupid moon. The end. Oh, moon. Ugh, the worst. Okay, well, time to wrap up the show. Thanks to our unexpected guest, John Peters.

Adios, y'all. Stay tuned next for entropy. Relentless, entropy. And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Jeffrey Craneer. The voice of John Peters, you know.

the farmer is Mark Gagliardi. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was, I Could Feel You, by Evelyn Francis. Find out more at evelinfrances.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightfail.com.

Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio, or sing a song that has never existed, not in the whole of human history. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our current tour of Europe. We are there right now. Well, not me, but Nightville. I'm in my home office next to my shelf, full of course figurines. Gidey up. Today's proverb, give a man a fish, and he'll be like, gross, get that fish away from me.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be like, you again, what's your deal? Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Kramer, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast No, 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9, wherever you get your podcast, boo.