Welcome to Night Vale - 215 - Sarah Sultan, Explained

Episode Date: October 1, 2022

The University of What It Is takes a special interest in a certain community college dean. Weather: "Gone" by Dymer Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts 2022 EUROPE TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Hot Night Vale merch! FACELESS OLD WOMAN and THE HALLOWEEN MOON novels now available in paperback! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now.

We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. The Last Shall be first and the first shall be last. The middle will experience no change at all. Welcome to Nightvale. As a friendly gesture for one educational institution to another, Sarah Sultan, Dean of Nightvale Community College, has invited Dr. Janet Lubel, Dean of the University of

What It Is, East Nightbale campus, for a tour of the Community College facilities. Sarah Sulton, who is a fist-sized river rock, believes that education grows from cooperation, and she welcomes the addition of another institution of higher learning in town. When truth is discovered by one, it benefits all, Sarah said, from the podium where an aide had placed her on a little coaster. I look forward to welcoming my counterpart. Dr. Lubel responded that she would be all too delighted to tour Nightvale Community College. just as soon as she's done with her morning meditation.

It's important to center myself, Dr. Lubel said, via an auto-text response that she leaves on at all times. I'm excited to see what these two great minds will come up with together. More soon, I'm sure. But first, the news. The new murals all over town are great, just great. We're all really excited. all really excited about them. But they have, and I don't know how else to say this,

they have started to molt. The paint is peeling away in long, flaky pieces, revealing what is underneath, which is, and again, I can't really find another way to say this, uh, it's flesh. The happy painted faces of the happy painted children are now streaked with gashes revealing a pulpy, red meat within.

The artist behind the murals, my old friend Jared, has disappeared. He left behind a note that said, I regret nothing, but I mourn everything. Most of his possessions were missing, and there was fresh soil all over the floor and kitchen counters. The police think that, likely, Jared is just visiting family, and there's nothing to worry about. City officials say that the mural flesh is almost

certainly harmless. But just to be safe, they are evacuating every house within a hundred feet of a mural, and the sheriff's secret police will be pointing guns at the murals while screaming, don't move, every five seconds. Wow, I do feel a lot safer. And now a word from our sponsors. A dark room. It is not a room you know.

Perhaps you should not be so sure because you cannot see the room. cannot see the room, but some dark is familiar. And this darkness is a stranger to you. It makes you feel cold and lost. You have no idea where the walls of this room might be, no clear sense of direction at all. Perhaps if you called out, you could hear an echo, which would give you some sense of the shape of the room,

the dimensions of the emptiness. But you also feel that if you called out, you would risk drawing attention. From what? You have no idea and hope you never find out. Something is sleeping here in this darkness. Pray that it continues to dream. You stumble forward out of any other option

and you come across a table. Or your knee comes across the table and you make a sharp intake of breath to try to bury the expression of pain. You feel about the table gently, careful not to knock anything to the floor. In the center of the table is something warm. A mug of coffee. You pick it up.

Its scent is jarringly familiar in these strange environs. You take a sip. The coffee is fine. As you sip, you hear a thick, wet stirring in the darkness all around. you. What once dreamed is no longer dreaming. It is too late for silence. You break into a brief, terrified wail that will last for the rest of your life. Dunkin' Donuts. Awaken that which slumbers. Dr. Lou Bell has arrived at Night Vale Community College for the tour. Sarah Sulton has expressed excitement at getting to show off the new Language Learning Lab, the Theatre Center, and the Community

College Library. The library is a special point of pride, as recently, thanks to Sal's pest service and event catering, it has been fully cleared of all dangerous librarians. Sal more than lived up to his slogan, we'll kill them all or feed them all, depending on what you want, and we hardly ever mix it up. But Dr. Lubel seemed less interested in the newly renovated community college campus and more interested in Sarah Sultan herself. Why is there a rock here? Dr. Lubel said quite rudely, I think.

How is it possible for a college to have a rock for a dean? Sarah explained that she is a fist-sized river rock, and Dr. Lubel said, I must study this. And she grabbed Sarah without asking and carried her back to the lab at the university. of what it is. Well, I do not think that kind of behavior is acceptable. Please return Sarah Sultan, Dean of Nightvale Community College, and fist-sized River Rock to her place of work immediately.

My goodness! Let's have a look at the community calendar. This afternoon, the Night Vale Sky Appreciation Society will be gathering to appreciations. the sky. The sky is our greatest natural resource, sit a group representative wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask, and we just want to give big ups to the big up.

This gathering will be happening at the parking lot of the Ralphs, which the group insists has the best view of the sky in town. Tomorrow morning, all of the ants in town will leave. They'll gather together into a huge collective march, a jittering black river leading out into the scrublands and the sand wastes. We'll be happy about this, obviously, but also we will be worried. Do the ants know something we don't? The answer to that question is yes. Their experience of the world is almost completely distinct from our own.

The real question is, do the ants know something we don't? that will affect us negatively. The answer to that is also yes. Monday is baseball game. Come on out for baseball game. Tuesday is the collective sigh of relief. It's at 4.12 p.m. Try to be genuinely relieved about something at that time.

It works better if you mean it. On Wednesday, Ghost Union Local 31 will be striking. If you were looking to get haunted on that day, please delay your plans and do not hire scab ghosts. We do not cross picket lines, not even ones made of electromagnetic energy and unusual cold spots. Ghost union spokesman, John Foucher, said, We are simply asking for a clean and safe workplace when we haunt. Every day, ghosts are injured on the job when, say, they make knocking sounds from inside an old cat. that has exposed nails or when the chains they are rattling are not up to coat.

Foucher concluded his statement with while waving his arms and fading away. Thursday is being held in reserve in case we ever need a Thursday in an emergency. And on Friday, there will be a birthday party held on a planet in a galaxy that is only visible from Earth with the use of powerful orbital telescopes. The party is at noon, it is B-Y-O-B, and we will never know it happened. This has been the Community Calendar. And now traffic.

Not every trail leads to danger, no. Some trails meander through meadows green and sunny, or pass broad and straight through mountains and forest. forests. Some trails are lovingly maintained by volunteers, or begrudgingly by low-paid workers. Some trails take beautiful detours along lakes so clear you can see the grasses sway on the sandy bottom, or along ridge lines, where you're told that on certain days you can see five different states, only how would you know? State lines don't show up in the real world, after all. There are trails that take you to secret cabins with lovely little gardens and snug little beds and trails that take you

to rustic lodges with stone balconies and grand dining rooms. In this world there are trails that lead to desert springs and to fish-filled coves. Some trails are evacuation routes, which explicitly exist to take you to safety. Of all the trails, almost none of them lead to danger. But there are some. Some trails lead to Brushland, where it is so very easy to get turned around,

or to vast regions of sand where no water can be found. Some trails lead to. lead to abrupt falls, or to hungry animals, or to hidden holes in the ground so deep that they might as well reach to the center of the earth. Trails can deceive, or be badly marked, or fade away into the wilderness. can be maliciously designed, ushering you toward a squat home, where a person with bad intentions waits with open arms and sharpened teeth. Yes, not all trails lead to danger, but some do.

Oh, some do. This has been traffic. Crowds of faculty from the Community College have gathered around the University of what it is, demanding the safe return of their dean. Amanda Ann Light, associate professor of the fear that something might be looking through your windows in the dark, lodged a strong protest against the university. Sarah Sultan is our dean, Light said. She is an important part of our town, and you can't just study her like she's an object.

Dr. Lubel came out to talk to the protesters and seemed baffled by the uproar. But she is an object, said Dr. Lubel. She's a fist-sized river rock. That's literally what she is. The rock is coming under no harm because rocks cannot feel harm. I am simply trying to understand how a rock could have developed the sentience to be the dean of a community college. At this, the faculty from the community college started booing and throwing rotten fruit, which is a traditional night veil method of saying,

hey, I don't 100% buy what you're saying there, friend. Dr. Lubel retreated into her lab, which was guarded by heavily armed staff. I didn't know the University of what it is had heavily armed staff. Why did they have that? Seems bad. As she went, Dr. Lubel promised to bring Sarah Sultan back with her as soon as the doctor's initial exam was finished.

Well, she better. That's all I've got to say. Let's go now to a special audio puzzle. Today's puzzle is guess the sound. I'm going to play a few common sounds, and all you have to do is guess what the sound is. Okay, let's start with something easy. Did you get it?

That's right. That's the sound of someone scraping the inside of an oven with the tip of a very sharp chef's knife. Okay, here's another. Ooh, this one might be tricky. Really think about it. That's right. It's the sound of a pelican eating jello.

If you didn't get that one, I bet you're really kicking yourself now. This last one is going to be hard, so do not feel bad if you don't get it. It's a sound you hear every day. but one you may not think about. Did you get it? Let's listen again. Yes, that's right. It's the sound of the faceless old woman's tummy growling

when she's so close to you in the dark in the night that you can hear just how hungry she is. So hungry all of the time. This has been an audio puzzle. How fun. Dr. LaBelle has emerged again from her laboratory and is holding Sarah Sulton. The community college faculty urged on by Professor Light is advancing on the doctor with pitchforks. Where did they get pitchforks? What is going on here?

In any case, we need to hear what Dr. Lubel has to say for herself right away. No delays. Except, of course, the weather. Dr. Lou Bell held you shake your fist. I see for the truth. It's too funny. Dr. Lubel held Sarah Sulton. The crowd called out to Sarah, but Sarah did not answer. The doctor looked solemn, and she spoke softly and gently.

This morning, Dr. Lubel said, I took this rock to my lab. I ran some basic tests on her. none of these tests hurt the subject. They were non-invasive. We are not here to alter or destroy. We are here to explain. Explain it all, everything, until there was not a single mystery left.

Here are the conclusions we came to. This is a fist-sized river rock. That's it. It's a fist-sized river rock, containing no miraculous properties. It is a pretty rock with nice tones, but from a scientific standpoint, there is little of interest about this rock.

You may have your rock back now. Dr. Lubel concluded. The doctor handed Sarah Sultan back to Professor Light, nodded once, and returned to her laboratory. Professor Light started, trying to speak to Sarah, to get her side of the story, but Sarah would not answer. Sarah could not answer. Sarah was a fist-sized river rock, and fist-sized river rocks, as Dr. Lebel demonstrated cannot talk.

Professor Light began to weep, please, please, she said, please, Sarah, come back to us. But Sarah was gone. She had been a glorious mystery. And Dr. Lebel had cleared her up. The doctor had chased away the fragile ambiguity on which Sarah's existence depended and all that was left was a fist-sized river rock. And fist-sized river rocks can't be the dean of anything. They cannot think or feel. They're matter shaped by years of rushing water.

Nothing more? I don't know what to say, Night Vale. I had been afraid of what Dr. LaBelle's demand for explanation would do to a town so built upon mystery and shadow, and I am sad to have been so right. Morn my friend, Sarah Sulton, a fist-sized river rock. She was funny and clever. and a good administrator at the Community College. And now she has been explained away.

And she is nothing. She's inert. She will never share another joke or answer one of my questions in a wry and knowing tone ever again. The faculty of the Community College is walking mournfully back to their campus where they will lay seraph. in her favorite river, and the water will shape her into smaller rocks. And then pebbles, and then sand, which will float down the current, formless and free, like smoke. Like dreams. Stay tuned next for grief, and then fear. And then revenge, night veil. good night

welcome to nightvale as a production of night veil presents it is written by joseph think and geoffrey cranor and produced by joseph think the voice of night veil is cecil baldwin original music by disparition all of it can be found at dispersion dot bancamp dot com this episode's weather was gone by dimer find out more at dimer bandtamp dot com Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio, or tell a cloud to just F off, okay? F off cloud.

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blank, blank, and blank. Thank you for your attention. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveil.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.