Welcome to Night Vale - 216 - The Ball Is Where the Win Is

Episode Date: October 15, 2022

Locker room pep talks from Coach Steve. Halftime Show: "Estrange Us" by Joseph Herbst Sextet The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Hot Night Vale merch! FACELESS OLD WOMAN and THE HALLOWEEN MOON novels now available in paperback! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that

you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica and Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. Great hustle out there, girls.

A really good, uh, uh, hustle. Oh, I already said hustle. I'm sorry. Uh, first game knew with this. But I hope you'll grow as I grow. We can all grow together. And that, I'm pretty sure, is what basketball is all about. Other than the two items listed in the name.

Uh, some of you might not know me. Oh, sorry. I'm Steve Carlsberg, but you can call me Steve. I mean, Coach Carlsberg. No, Coach Steve! Yeah. I replaced Coach Merrill about five minutes ago. She looked into the box of infinite despair that we found in the locker room,

and that was it for Coach Merrill. As Bill Russell once said, never look into a box of infinite despair. And he was right. Well, that's a good basketball lesson for you all. Yes, that is the box over there in the corner. Please don't touch it or anything. It's got, you know, infinite despair.

inside. I'll throw it out after the game. But don't worry about a little change in personnel. We're not going to let that affect our game out there, which is wheelchair basketball, yes? Sorry, someone just handed me a clipboard and pushed me in here. I was just inquiring if you had to be apparent to join the PTA Fuseball League, and apparently the answer is yes for some reason. Ugh. So I did not see the first half of the game, but I think you probably did great. and I think you're going to continue to do great, and Red Mesa isn't going to know what hit them. Tell you what, everyone get together here.

Big huddle, hands in. Reach in, Parna. Okay, I know I've approved myself to you all as a coach, but you've proved yourselves to each other as a team, and that is what matters. So everyone look each other in the eyes. I contact all around. And one, two, three.

Uh, the ball is... Uh, where the win is! Now get out there and please again do not touch the box of infinite despair. I'm taking it out to my car right now. Does anyone have gloves? Tough first half, but we're giving as good as we get. We always do. Yasmin, good offense.

You're sharing the ball well. Molina, excellent screens. And Hannah, great job of boxing out. Fantastic hustle out there. It's games like these that really matter. Sure, it'd be nice to breeze to a victory. Boy, it feels great to finish a first half knowing that the outcome is set in stone.

But those blowout games, those don't mean anything. All that means is we outclass the opponent so much, we shouldn't even be on that court with them. It's a mismatch of skill. As Lenny Wilkins once said, there's a spider on your shirt, and his name is victory. But a game like this, where we're back and forth, back and forth,

the squeal of wheels skidding out as you have to reverse all of a sudden and go tearing back down the court to defend. These are the games where you learn who you really are, where you find out just what kind of team we've built here. And what we found out is that we are champions, because this is a difficult, close game, and we are going to win it. And when we've won, we are going to look the other team in the eye, shake their hands, say good game, while thinking,

you were a worthy opponent and it could have gone either way. But it didn't. Oh, it didn't. Girls, on three. All together now. The ball is where the win is. That's right. Okay, let's get out there and finish this.

Remember, the harder we have to fight, the sweeter that victory will taste. Let's go. Everyone, bring it in, bring it in. Just take a second. Leave that hectic court behind. Your darting eyes scanning the passing lane. reading the defense.

Leave all that out there. In here, hey, hey, listen up. I don't want to have to shout. Gather around close. Look each other in the eyes and take three big breaths. That's right. One, two, three.

It's been a tough game. It's been a tough season. I know that you all want that win. An entire season without a win? It's, well, it's devastating. It's not what we wanted, but it happens. I know it's hard to imagine, but in the long landscape of your life, this isn't even going to register as one of the worst bits.

So take the good that's here. All of you, giving it you're all, working together. That's what you can control, and you have done me so proud out there. This year, the other teams just had a little more luck, a little more time to practice. Whatever. They have the edge on us. That'll happen. No one judges you for that.

We are all judged on how we handle the luck we are given. Now, I'm not saying that we won't win tonight's game. I think we should go out there and do our best at that. Mathematically, given the current score difference, it might be... You know, well, I haven't done the calculation on whether it's physically possible to win with the time left. Probably better to just not know that. As Pat Summitt once said,

aggressive ignorance in the face of all available information is bliss. I don't know what happens next. None of us do, but I know what happens now. Now we join hands. We promise each other that win, lose, or draw. Hey, maybe we could pull a draw. Are there draws in basketball? Oh, that would be a super great surprise.

But no matter what, we will go out there as humans, good humans, supporting each other on the court and off. So on the count of three, the ball is where the win is! But remember, the win isn't where it all is. I'm so proud of you, girls. Tasha? I don't see Tasha.

Oh, there you are. Let's try to keep things on the visible light spectrum during game time, okay, Tasha, makes it easier for those of us who have eyes. So it's going great, obviously. Looks like another easy win for Night Vale. Well, which reminds me, let's let some of the junior players get in there. This is a good chance for them to get some experience. Cynthia, I know it's been difficult being on the bench this whole season.

We all see your triple threat potential as a perimeter shooter slash shot blocker slash telekinetic small forward, and I want you to be a starter next year. It's hard, I know, because you're a fist-sized piece of beach glass who hasn't gotten much playing time. But I believe in you, Cynthia. Show me what you can do out there in the second half, okay? Um So

This is all really good It's great We're winning so much Woo! But I just want to warn you My brother-in-law is here He comes to all the games He says he has to report on them

But I think it's mostly so he can say Mean things about me into his microphone Which he does Continuously through the entire game I can hear him right now Even at halftime Saying some very unkind things About the maintenance of microphone

car, which, you know, not all of us can afford a new car, Cecil. Not all of us can work cushy community radio jobs. Some of us are executives at banks, which unfortunately society just doesn't value that kind of labor enough to compensate us much. As Phil Jackson once said, flowers are growing from my eyes. Also, I have finger antlers now. The point is, I don't want you paying attention to what the media reports about us. Not even when he says something cruel about my hair. Not even if I start crying, okay? What matters is that we are dominating this season. And the fact that it's kind of being ruined for me by my brother-in-law is, you know, it's neither here nor there. Neither here nor there. All right, let's finish this game up strong. Bring it in.

One, two, three. The ball is where the win is. Yeah. Nice. Oh, good point, Cecil. My shirt is I'm flattering. Thank you. Everyone, listen up. Listen up. Janice, that means you. No talking. We've played a strong first half out there, and I'm pleased with that. And I want you to know that, yes, Janus is my daughter and she is the starting point guard in only her first year. But that is not because she is my daughter. Janice has good natural speed, panopticon like court vision, and a prodigious grasp of the fundamentals. I just made the best decision for the team. But Janice, I need to see more hustle from you. You have to continue to earn that spot every second of every game.

Why should you have it instead of someone else? You know? Oh yeah, go ahead and grab an energy bar. I'm sure we're all happy that Janice's Uncle Cecil donated these. He certainly has been supportive of the team since his niece joined. Isn't that nice? I'm sure we're all very grateful to him. Very grateful indeed.

But just because, say, someone gifts home. made energy bars or say is my daughter, that doesn't mean we owe them anything, right? We are each of us our own people and we have to play our own game. As Gina Morriema once said, there's a woman with no face standing over my bed and all I want to do is scream, but I cannot let her know I am alive. So let's forget Cecil and Janice. More hustle, okay? One, two, three, the ball is where the win is. Hey Janice, hold up. Listen, I'm sorry.

I know I'm being... I just really don't want them to feel like I'm playing favorites. And I think I'm leaning too far the other direction. And I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. You're doing great, sweetie. I love you and I'm proud of you. Now get out there and let's crush the Sage City truck monsters.

Well, this is a special one. I don't have to tell you. You know it. Oh, this is a special one. Janice, who's been first team all district since her freshman year, this will be the final half of her final game. And what a game to go out on! You all have been playing like a machine! Good communication, good defensive reads, incredible hustle, all of you.

I have no notes. You have taken in what I have taught, and you are in turn teaching me so much. But let me take a second on Janice. Yes, she's my daughter. But she also went from a fresh... full of promise to our point guard that led us twice to state and once to a championship. It is one of the best careers this high school has ever seen. Next year, Janice will be playing college ball.

Full scholarship, which is great because between my income as a bank executive and her mother's income as a real estate lawyer, you can imagine we're barely scraping by. Every dynasty ends. Every sunny day leads to a sunset. Every night fades into day again. We are in constant motion. There are no endings, only transformations. As Greg Popovich once said,

I don't know why I have wings now, but I do. And I will use them to fight crime. Bird crime. And just like Coach Popovich, this team will transform. Janice's life will transform. Tonight's game will transform into a game that is being played into a game that has been played. It will go into our memories.

So let's make those memories good ones. Let's honor Janice with a decisive win. And yes, I've asked Cecil to take down his banner that says I love my brother Steve and his daughter Janice. It's a sweet sentiment, certainly better than some of the ones he's expressed in the past, but it's just a little distracting having that banner hanging four feet up across midcourt.

Everyone in now. Hands in! One, two, three, the ball is where the win is. Oh, do you hear that? Sounds like the halftime show is wrapping up. Great hustle out there in the first half. Great hustle. I'm so proud of you all.

I'm so... Kim, you're playing too tight at the perimeter. And they're going to buy you on the fake. Just try and let them shoot from... Oh, man. I'm going to miss this. What a game to go out on, though. You're all doing so well.

I hope I made you even half as proud as you make me. Because you make me so... Let me start over. As you know, Francis Donaldson found a yellow scrap of cloth in her car trunk, indicating that she has been chosen to take over the wheelchair basketball team as coach. So this will be my last game with you all, and I congratulate Coach Donaldson. She has some great years ahead of her. Some great years.

The best. Some of you know me well. Some of you just join this year. I hope that whoever you are, you made some memories here that you'll take with you. Life is a continual movement forward, and what ends up mattering is all those memories that you get to take with you into whatever comes next. I don't know what comes next for me or for you, but I know that we get to take the memory of this game with us wherever that is. And isn't that a comfort? And isn't that a blessing? I apologize that before we start the second half, Cecil, my brother, my brother,

mother-in-law Cecil has organized a kind of ceremony to mark, just to celebrate what a time we all had together. Cecil's been very nice to me these last few years. It's very kind of him to do this. It will be a little long and a little much, probably. Cecil sometimes is a little much, a little overbearing in his love, but he means well. Intentions are not everything. In fact, in many cases, they're not anything, but it's worth keeping them in mind. As Ridd Our Bellows, back once said, trees, we are they. And I get that. You know, when I was first brought in here to coach, which was, my goodness, 25 years ago, how is that even possible? When I was first brought in, I didn't know anything about the game, about the job, but also about what it all meant,

how important it all was, every moment of it. There were great seasons and seasons where we just couldn't seem to win a game, but they all meant something. They all meant everything, to me at least. And hopefully to all the players and all those teams, wherever they've scattered off to through the decades, I hope they still carry with them these moments in this tiny, sweaty room where I said to them, good job, or all is not lost, or just, hey, keep doing what you're doing. Remember, the ball is where the win is. You are going to make me so proud out there.

You have already made me so proud. Welcome to Nightvale's production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin. Original music by Dissorician. All of it can be found at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's halftime show was A Strange Us by the Joseph Herbst SexTet. Find out more at josephirpsdmusic.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at

welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio or live your dreams. Every single one. Make it really weird. Check out Welcome to Nightvell.com for info about our shop, which we keep fresh with new items designed by a carefully selected small group of of artists. If something's in there, it's because we ourselves would love to have it. Today's proverb. Oh yeah, I love reading fantasy. That's what we call looking at Zillow now, right? Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Craneer, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast,

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