Welcome to Night Vale - 217 - Salmon Burger

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

Moving offices really works up an appetite Weather: "Find Out" by AGBAT The voice of Joseph Fink is Joseph Fink The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwiner Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, coming Nov 10 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Hot Night Vale merch! FACELESS OLD WOMAN and THE HALLOWEEN MOON novels now available in paperback! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about

every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the Middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Need a prophecy? Take a prophecy. Have a prophecy. Leave a prophecy.

Welcome to Nightvale. I'm sorry in advance, Nightvale. I can't find any of my notes. I had so many stories for you today, but they're all gone now. There was something about a sinkhole and something about a flesh-nawing virus. I think a lion escaped from the zoo, or maybe it just visited the zoo? No, no, no, no, a lion bought a zoo.

That's it. My point is, I had all my paperwork in a neat stack next to my microphone, but station management moved it. Or they threw it away or ate it? I don't know. But what was left in place of my neat typed and well-researched news stories was a pile of memos about office renovations.

We have to clean out our work spaces before we leave today and move to temporary offices in the basement for next week. Station management has hired contractors to install new lighting, redo the insulation, replace the carpet, paint the walls, and exercise a malevolent spirit. Hoy, that last one. Apparently, the sales team forgot to close the seance that they opened during a client presentation. last week. Anyway, I know this because, as I was talking to you, another three-page memo was tossed onto my desk reminding us all the exact procedures for properly ending a seance. Anyway, all I've been doing today is cleaning up my office space. I didn't even eat lunch, but I do have a salmon burger sitting right here, just waiting to be eaten. I don't remember

ordering it, but there it is. A thick, juicy, mysterious fish patty, with melted camibere and salami on a sourdough bun. Oh, wow, I'm starving. But I must wait until the show is done. And now an update on former intern, Kareem. So earlier this morning, a man who looked, sounded and smelled, exactly like Kareem, stopped by her offices. I was excited to see him, but he seemed not to know who I was or where he was. He said, I'm looking for my doppelganger he used to work here.

And I said, oh yeah, of course. Wait, are you intending to kill him? I always heard you should kill your double. This version of Kareem paused. He said he hadn't considered that, but I could see on his face that he was considering it now. He wanted to know where his parents were. He told me that the other Kareem had taken them from his hometown in a place called Mitch Mitch and Dendendendon.

and I remembered that intern Kareem had talked about this place before. I was about to offer to make some calls when I heard a deep, booming voice from behind me. It was a voice, a voice that sounded like many voices, too many voices. Inhuman voices. No guests! The voice boomed. I saw Kareem's face go pale and slack. His eyes bulged.

He saw what was behind me. He saw what no one should ever see. He saw station management. Run, I whispered urgently to him, but he did not move. Run, I grunted again. Above him, a set of long, razor-sharp teeth hung, and just like that, they snapped down on empty air, right where Kareem's head had been seconds before.

He was finally running. station management chasing him down the hall to the front entrance. Don't stop, I called to him, and under no circumstances should you look back. So if you're my former intern, Kareem, and you're listening to the show right now, first off, hey, how are you? Second, you have a double, and I think he might want to kill you? Or maybe just talk to you, or something in between. Anyway, heads up about that. Dang!

Thinking about doppelgangers makes me hungry. That salmon burger looks good. It's double-stacked with bright pink meat and long tendrils of fried onions hanging down. It has a sheen to it, like it's sweating, and it... This is going to sound weird. But even though it doesn't have eyes or a face, The Salmon Burger seems to be staring at me. Oh, Cecil, you're only hungry. Let it go.

Okay, so another set of memos just got tossed onto my desk. Let's see what's in these. Please burn all paycheck stubs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please only use reply all when you're really mad about something. Yeah, who cares? No more building false idols in the break room. Oh, that's written for you, Kathleen. I mean, I'm happy you found religion,

but we're all tired of hearing about Huntercar returning to human form on Earth. Let's see, here's another memo, and this one's directed at me. Attention, Cecil Gershwin Palmer. You have been placed in charge of cleaning out the basement. It says here that the finance office

has already cleared out all the boxes. I only need to do a thorough sweep and wet mop the floors. This is ridiculous. Why me? We have Clarence Murphy, the maintenance man, to do all of that. That's his job to... Listeners? A very warm and damp. Hand just slid another memo over my shoulder. I want to turn around to see who or what it is, but I know I should not. Never look back, Cecil. Never look back. Okay, the subject line. The maintenance man. Body of memo says, It was 40 years ago on a night just like tonight. Maintenance Man Clarence Murphy disappeared.

Some say he retired and moved to Palm Desert. Some say he fell into the boiler. His body never discovered. Some say he transcended to the next plane of being, but the truth is he never existed in the first place. We are all Clarence Murphy, the maintenance man. He was a collective dream. He had no body, yet he lives on within us.

So please, pretty please, with sugar on top. Clean the stupid basement, Cecil. XOXO, station management. And they scotch taped a single bloody tooth to the bottom of the page. The whole tooth, all the way down the root stem. Oh, I'm so tired. I need food badly. Where's that salmon burger?

Maybe I can take a quick bite or two between... Where'd it go? The salmon burger was sitting right here only two feet from me, and now... Now it's gone. Ah! Oh, oh, God. Ooh, you scared me. Uh, listeners, there's a strange man hunched over my desk.

Oh, sorry. Hi, Cecil. It's me, Joseph Fink. We met in the coffee shop a few weeks back. You said I could come visit you at the station whenever I wanted. Oh, yes, of course. Joseph, the pod. Pod person.

Yeah, podcaster. I created Nightfail, and that's why I wanted to come by. I've been trapped here in this town of my own making, and it's been really hard. Not because it's not a nice place. It's surprisingly nice here, in fact. It's been hard because I've been trying to get home to see my wife, Meg, and my baby, who I've never met and is more than a year old now? Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

You know, my husband and I went through a similar situation a few years back. Oh, of course you did. I wrote that. I don't follow. You know what? That was very nice of you to say. Thank you. But while searching for a way home, I've managed to meet a lot of people in Nightville,

and it's fascinating. I met Dana Cardinal, and she's, this isn't going to make any sense to you. But she sounds exactly like my friend Jessica, though she looks totally different. I realize in writing the characters for this show that I never really think about what they look like. I guess I just envisioned the actors who play them. I don't know. Yeah, you're right. This isn't making sense. Oh, wait, you know, that's not true. Michelle Wynn looks a lot like Kate Jones.

That was freaky. But like you, you don't look a thing like Cecil Baldwin. Okay. What do I look like? Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Let me describe your exact physical appearance. So, first off, you... What was that? Well, I can't see exactly what you see, but based on the smell of burnt hair and olive brine, and the look on your face, it's probably station management. Well, I never would have imagined them looking like that, I mean...

Joseph, station management does not like guests in the building. I need you to go clean the break room. What? Why? Well, you're a new intern. Absolutely not. No way. Well, you're in the building without a guest pass, so according to station management's rulebook, you either work here or you die here.

Okay, understood. Cleaners are under the sink next to the snake bucket. Great. Intern Joseph and station management have finally left. Wow, listeners, this day is too much. I'm so hungry. Oh, dang, I should have sent out my new intern to get me lunch since my Salmon Burger disappeared. Oh, no wait, here it is. Listeners, my Salmon Burger is climbing the wall. It's about 18 inches wide now, if you include the length of its long, sharp legs, and it's

climbing the wall. And now it's devouring the clock. I use that clock for ad breaks, Samenberger. Come on. Oh, speaking of which, it's time for a word from our sponsor. And for that, we go to Deb, the sentient patch of haze. Hi, Deb. Hi, Cecil. Urge you're going to have to work in the basement, yeah? Yeah, they're moving us down there for a week while they do renovations. My cousin Robb lives down there.

He loves to read books, playing video games, and creating humidity. He's a real normal kid. I think you'll like him. Oh, I'm looking forward to it. So, who is today's sponsor? Today's show is brought to you by Papst Blue Ribbon. Yes, Papst Blue Ribbon is made from the freshest ingredients. Malt, barley, spring water, microbes, probably, salt.

I don't know. What else did they brew beer with? Chicken stock? I've never made beer before. Oh, yeast. I know they put yeast in it. Definitely yeast and wheat. germ is the other thing? It is now. Piapped blue ribbon makes their beer with all of these things.

And most importantly, they make their beer with love. Love of every kind. Every kind, Deb? Every kind, Cecil. Wow, that sounds like a delicious beer. I can't wait to wrap my... Meg? Is that you? Who is this? Oh, that's just our new station intern, Joseph. Oh, intern. Good luck, pal. You're going to need it. That's heartbreaking. You have Meg's voice. You sound exactly like her, but you're not her, are you? What's this guy's deal?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. It's just, Makes voices, well, it's beautiful, and it's funny and smart, and when I hear her speak, especially now, especially here, I feel happy. Your voice makes me happy, Meg. Deb. That's all. Deb, you sound like my wife. Well, that's real sweetie. Listen, I don't know who Meg is, but I hope that you... Oh, oh, my God!

Holy Mac, girl! Is they an ad a spider? You're a big son of a gun. Ah, geez! Uh, hey, you two, listen up. Um, station management is not happy about this ad being disrupted. So you better get out of the booth. Um, intern Joseph.

Back to work. Deb? Draft an apology to the sponsor. Salmon Burger? Stop destroying my studio. Listeners go now to the weather. Offices are all cleared out, and I'm finally moved down into the basement. It's very dark. But renovations have begun, and by this time next week, we'll have a sparkling new office. That's the good news. Now the bad news.

to the family and friends of Joseph Fink. He was a good intern and he will be missed. He got the breakroom super clean. Plus he told funny stories about how he created this town, but he ran afoul of station management. He interrupted one of our live spots and that'll require a make-good. Joseph did the unforgivable, so station management did the unspeakable. They towered over the frightened Joseph.

their teeth bared, their sharp claws reared back, and in one fell swoop, they delivered down upon him a pink slip. He's fired. Joseph is no longer an intern at our station. But at least that will free him up to pursue his favorite hobby of searching for his wife and child. And also to spend more time in this town he loves so much. He did mention something about trying to find my former intern Kareem. I'm not sure if Joseph meant the real Kareem or the Kareem double. Either way, Joseph said he wants to form a doppelganger support group with Kareem and Dana.

Good luck in your future endeavors, Joseph. And as for Deb, the sentient patch of Hayes, she's fine. She's a sentient patch of haze. It's not like she can be physically harmed. Station management did fire her too, but they fired her dozens of times. And she just comes back to work like nothing happened. and no one ever says anything. Ooh, finally, an update on my lunch. The Salmon Burger had transformed itself

into a spider-like creature the size of a footstool. It climbed up the wall, devoured a clock, a light fixture, and a couple of polystyrene ceiling tiles. Then it dropped down onto Deb and Joseph, while they were trying to do the ad. It reared back to attack the two of them, but stationed management arrived just in time.

Oh, to be clear, station management didn't come there to save them. Station management entered the booth because the new intern was ruining a paid live spot. Though, their rage over Joseph's error turned immediately into rage against my spider-shaped salmon burger. It turns out station management was right about that seance that the sales team forgot to close out. Since the seance had been left opened, that poltergeist or Dybic or Demon or whatever had gotten loose, It then possessed the first piece of flesh it found, which turned out to be my salmon burger. Station management managed to squash it with one hand while spraying it with insecticide with the other, and with yet another hand they covered it with a large bowl,

and with another hand they called the Exorcist and demanded she arrived this afternoon rather than tomorrow morning. And with their other hands, they were typing out more memos about how to properly open and close a seance. You know, I don't always see eye to eye with station management, mostly because we're not allowed to look directly at them without mortal consequences, but also because we sometimes differ on ways to run a radio station. Still, I'm glad they had our back. It's like that scene in Hamlet, when Hamlet tells Ophelia, I'd fall on a grenade for you, I'd do anything for you,

and Ophelia says, yeah, totally same, and then they get married and move to Portugal. That's the kind of devotion that's important to me. So thank you to station management for looking out for us. Maybe you'd be into a union as well? Oh, okay, and Abyss is cracking open in the floor in front of me, so changing the subject. And a thank you to my friend and professional chef, Earl Harlan, who is listening to my show today. Earl felt so bad about me not getting to eat my salmon burger that he made me another and brought it up here for me.

Stay to next, the sound of stress eating. Just the goziest hot mic-smacking sounds you've ever heard. Good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Disparition. The voice of Joseph Fink is Joseph Fink. The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwinner.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at Disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Find Out by Agbat. Find them on any social media platform by searching A-G-B-A-T official. Comments, questions, email us at

info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio. or write a book about your life. Go for it. Check out Nightvale Presents.com for info about our new show, unlicensed. The first show created by Joseph and Jeffrey since Nightfail. Out November 10th. Today's proverb.

The question's not, who's a good boy? The question is, what's a good boy? Ask yourself that smart guy. Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show. from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.