Welcome to Night Vale - 218 - The Sitter Cancelled

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

Citizens rise up against the University of What It Is Weather: “Rotten“ by Missouri Surf Club Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Hot Night Vale merch! FACELESS OLD WOMAN and THE HALLOWEEN MOON novels now available in paperback! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. All roads lead to Rome. All streets lead to Cincinnati. All avenues simply loop back to where they started. Welcome to Night Vale. I apologize for this listeners, but I have my son Esteban with me in the studio.

Our sitter chanted Bloody Mary three times in a dark bathroom and was subsumed into the dimension of eternal pain, which as you can imagine is really annoying for us. Like, okay, Kylin, maybe trap yourself inside a torture dimension on your own time, but we're working adults and we need child care. I tried to get Carlos to take Esteban to the lab, but apparently today they're doing a dangerous experiment and he doesn't want our son to get hurt. I'm not sure I believe that.

I think Carlos might just want some time alone to work on his TikTok dances. He's obsessed these days with getting one to go viral, and he's putting a few too many hours into choreographing and filming these things. But whatever. I don't mind having my child with me. I might need to occasionally take a second during the broadcast, but you won't even notice. Our headline news today concerns the University of What It Is.

After the shocking crime of Dr. Janet Lubel, in which she murdered Sarah Sultan by explaining that a fist-sized river rock couldn't be sentient, calls went up all over town, and especially from the community radio station, during my show, from my mouth into this mic. to banish the university from Nightvale and arrest Janet Lubel for crimes against a river rock. But the city council refused to act, insisting that their job was to remain impartial. I think they're actually just afraid Dr. Lubel will explain them away next.

Impatient with the slow turning of the wheels of government, Nightvale citizens have correctly taken it upon themselves to expel this infection from the town body. There is a great march, a seething mass of bodies, torches aloft, screaming for the blood of... Hmm? Yeah, Esteban, honey? Oh, you need a snack. Okay, well, let me see what we have here. Um, I've got cheddar earthworms, pumpkin spice, beef jerky, uh, flamen hot Cheerios.

Oh, the Cheerios? Yeah, sure. Okay, let me put them in your cup that shaped like a large anatomically correct eyeball. So cute. Okay. Please try to get at least as many Cheerios in your mouth as you do on the floor, okay? Okay. Now, where was I? Uh, no, I forget.

Oh, well, let's get to the next story. A message from the Nightvale Medical Board. Nine out of ten doctors agree that there's something off about the tenth doctor. She's pale, and her skin is baggy. And her mouth seems very, very rich. wide. The nine doctors first noticed last May when the 10th doctor didn't show up for their usual monthly doctor happy hour at Gino's Italian dining experience and grill and bar. Dr. Klein said, Oh, where is Dr. Wilcox? Dr. Tang agreed. Dr. Wilcox always comes to these things. It's not the same

without her. Dr. Byers suggested that they call Dr. Wilcox, but Dr. Wilcox did not pick up. So the next day, Dr. Alvarez stopped by the house of Dr. Wilcox and found her standing on the lawn. She had flies crawling on her face and a strange red line snaking through her right eye. Are you okay, Susanna? Dr. Alvarez asked, and Dr. Wilcox said, Oh, I'm fine. How kind of you to ask. Except her voice emanated from the earth below their feet instead of from her mouth,

which is where her voice usually came from. After that, Dr. Alvarez made an excuse about leaving the microwave on and that he had to go, and he sidled away from Dr. Wilcox's home, never once turning his back to her. The Nightville Medical Board advises that you do not see Dr. Wilcox about any medical emergencies, and if you find her in your house,

do not panic or make sudden movements. She really doesn't seem to like sudden. movements. This has been a message from the Nightville Medical Board. Let's have some town gossip. Ooh, I love gossip. It's like life, but you have to pick sides. Okay, so a friend of a friend told me that Rahim, one of the baristas in the brista district, well, he's been seeing Hubert, who runs that Curiosity Shop downtown, you know, the shop that sells you that one special item, the one you desire so much, but then your desire turns out to be your own downfall.

It's a lovely place to take a date. Well, it turns out the whole time, Hubert has been married to one of the lizard people who live in the caverns deep under the scrublands. Right? Can you believe it? So whenever Hubert was like, I must take a work trip. to far off lands to search out cursed goods for my cursed shop, he was actually visiting his lizard husband, Alan.

And here's the thing. This only came out because Rahim was planning to propose to Hubert. He had rented a party boat down at the waterfront and everything, but then Hubert realized he could be in some real legal trouble if he tries to marry two people. So at that point, he comes clean. And of course, Rahim is, you know, devastated, and Hubert is trying to act like he's the victim in all this,

and Hubert is claiming, get this, that he practices unethical non-monogamy. Gossip. You can't get enough of it. Now back to our top story. The crowds have neared the University of what it is. They are led by the teaching staff of the Nightvale Community College, brandishing their traditional flails. The sheriff's secret police is on hand in case there is an operative.

for the police to initiate violence. We will provide non-stop coverage of this breaking event as it unfolds. I will not step away from the mic for even a... Hmm? What's up, Esteban? You want me to read you a book? Oh, of course, sure. How about...

Oh, good morning, moon. Good morning, moon. It is disquieting to see you at dawn, Moon. You belong to the night. and we belong to the day. Why are you here? This is freaking me out. I hate you, moon.

You lousy thing, you broken clock. I would spit on your grave if only you had the decency to die. The end. I love that one. A real classic. Okay. Um, did I finish that last? story? Eh, probably. Let's get back to the radio show. This is a test of the emergency dream

broadcast system. In an actual emergency, you'd be having a dream where you're floating in a bathtub, but the bathtub is the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and it is the Atlantic Ocean, but it is also a bathtub. In your hands is a book. You cannot read the title of the book, but you know it is crime and punishment, a book you've never read, never had a desire to read. In the distance, in this bathtub, which is the Atlantic Ocean, you notice a great wave, like the world has never seen. The world will never see it, because if this wave ever actually arrived, the world would be no more, washed under the dark water. As you watch this wave in awe and in horror, you realize the only way to stop this wave is to pull the plug on the bath. The bath that is the ocean must be emptied

if we are all to survive. And you scramble around in the depths for a plug, but you can't find one because this is a bathtub, but it is also the Atlantic Ocean. And in your panic, you hear the quietest, almost intimate whisper in your ear, a gentle voice saying, tomorrow afternoon, localized, flooding, possible. Then you awaken, covered in sweat, crying. Is what would have happened if this had been an actual emergency. This has been a test of the emergency dream broadcast system. And now an audio jigsaw puzzle. Please place the following jumbled fragments of an image in the correct order. The chimney leans evil, leading to its hungry door.

What does the spirit see? Perched, crooked, upon a hill. An old haunted house, spitting black smoke into the night sky. From the uppermost window, with a narrow dirt path, two white eyes staring out from darkness, covering up the friendly stars. What does the spirit see? Good luck assembling that puzzle with your ears. The crowd is entering the campus of the University of What It Is.

Alarms Blair and Flares paint the sky. We are in a battle for the life of our city. Janet Lubel has appeared with her armed guards. This will be a confrontation to remember. And... Yeah, sweetie? Oh, you want to play a game? Well, what kind of game do you want to play?

Hide and seek? Flee and hunt? The floor is larvas? Oh, you made up a game. Oh. It's called Who is in the crawl space? And I have to guess who is in the crawl space. Okay, this sounds tough.

But I know I can hear someone moving around down there. They've been in there a long, long time. Hmm. Is it? Kimberly Blundle? Is it Lydia Redmond? No. Is it Ricky Church?

Now, I'm running out of people. It could be. Who was down there a creeping and a crawling? Who could it be down there in the dark? Is it Caspian Watt? Oh, I guess I give up for now. But that was a very, very good game, Esteban. And now the community calendar.

Today is the day of reckoning, so no exact measures, just kind of eyeball everything. Did you put enough gas in your car? Don't check. Go on reckoning. Good luck. Wednesday is the haunted house at the senior home on Sandlewood Lane. Now, I asked if it was a little late for a haunted house, after all, Labor Day was months ago. And it's a bit goche to do what? one after. But I was told that they had three different residents die recently, and their ghosts are just wandering around everywhere, so if you want a haunted house, now's the time. They're asking

for a donation of $5, and if you like any of the ghosts, please take them home as they are causing trouble in the buffet line. Thursday is a birthday party, deep in the woods. Everyone is invited, Deep in the woods. B-Y-O-B, so bring your own body. Deep in the woods. Friday, the man who sits in your living room and shouts, Thank God it's Friday. This man, you do not know or even understand how he got into your home

or what he wants from you. Well, that man will be taking the week off. So please enjoy this extremely temporary reprieve. Saturday is the dog show over at the dog park. No dogs are allowed in the dog show. Do not look at the dog show. The dog show will not harm you. Sunday is back-ordered.

Please be patient. Due to supply chain issues, Sundays are going to be rare for a while. And Monday has been stolen. If you are the one that took it, we are asking you to put it back where you found it. We have all our eyes closed, and you will be. won't get in trouble. This has been the community calendar. The attack on the University of what it is has fallen short.

Janet Lubel and her armed guards stood firm, and the righteous mob was forced to back down. Janet declared, I will discover the truth about everything. No one can stop me. My arrival was inevitable. My victory, a foregone conclusion. In this house,

We believe in science. And then she had her guards fire several times into the air. Now, this is a worrying development. And what's that? Well, you want me to read another book? Okay, listeners, I'm sorry. I just need to read to Esteban real quick. You know, why don't we check in on the weather?

But your heart is frozen cold. Telling your mouths, cabered in cobwebs are stretched across you'd see. But he won't seem to mind. Kissin you and he pull you straight There's nothing left of you And you're gone There was a little bunny who wanted to run away So he said to his mother, I am running away

If you run away said his mother, I will run after you for you are my little bunny If you run after me said the little bunny I will burrow deep underground to the frozen places and then deeper still to the places where even the soil melts under the pressure of its own weight. If you burrow deep underground, said his mother, then I will be the core of the earth and radiate my heat up through you. If you become the core of the earth, said the little bunny, then I will be a rocket ship and I will soar away to the empty places of the universe where life never gets. came to be, and only the invisible mass of dark matter holds the space together. Well, if you become a rocket ship, said his mother, then I will be the very concept of the vacuum,

an absence that will be present wherever you fly. If you become the vacuum, said the little bunny, then I will be a decaying car, once used to transport a family, but now merely a husk. the desert somewhere, barely a frame, barely anything at all. If you become a decaying car, said his mother, then I will become rust, and I will eat you alive. Shucks, said the bunny, you are inescapable. Even in my imagination, you have me trapped. And he was, have a carrot, said the mother bunny, and the little bunny had no choice. He had no choice at all.

The end. Okay. Esteban is finally down for a nap. Oh, he's so sweet when he sleeps. I mean, he's sweet when he wakes too, but a little calmer when he's asleep. Back to the news. The attack on the university of what it is has failed. We were not enough, not this time.

But we, we are patient. There will be other days, and Night Vale does not forget. Oh, wait, hold on. I have to take a picture of Esteban napping on the floor of the broadcast booth for Carlos. He's going to love this. Stay to next for the cutest little snores you've ever heard, interspersed with the occasional angry cry of a righteous town person demanding justice. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Broughton by Missouri Surf Club. Find out more at Missouri Surf Club. Bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or pet a cat.

Good cat. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about our store, where we have all sorts of weird and beautiful items for the weird and beautiful people in your life. Today's proverb, give a man of fish. He can eat for a whole day on that. Wow. Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who

small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.