Welcome to Night Vale - 219 - The Traveling Tarot Reader

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

The traveling man will read your tarot for only $3. Weather: “Long Way” by Bonfire Realm Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Night Vale gift ideas! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. is our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale

for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on. on IMDB and if you're a Patreon member they will review the Middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightville Presents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks.

Not today, Satan. Not today. Next Tuesday is wide open though, or Wednesday after 2.30? Welcome to Night Vale. You all know the traveling tarot reader. He's the short man in the long coat who pushes his wheeled cart full of tarot cards through town. He rings his little bell as he ambles through neighborhood after neighborhood. $3, says the sign on the side. Three dollars says the sign on the other side. Three dollars, the man would say, if he ever talked. It is unclear if he is incapable or unwilling to speak, but we all understand his business. We know what he wants.

He wants to travel and read the tarot. Today, the man rang his little bell in front of our radio station, and I wave to him. He entered my studio and sat opposite me. He is looking at me right now. In his hands is a thick deck of cards. He is barely moving his fingers, yet the cards flutter and twist in his palms like a school of fish swiftly shifting directions. On the backs of the cards a latticework of thorny stems, a dull gold layered atop a dull rust base.

The pattern is hardly noticeable except in the card's movement. I have not given the man his three dollars, but he has already begun. The deck is on my desk. With only the knot of his head and a wave of his hand, he asked me to cut it. And from there I shall choose three cards. He does not ask me to ask the deck a question, yet I state one anyway. Rather, I pose three.

What do I not know that I should know? What do I know that I should not know? What is not knowable at all? I lift the first card. It is the 12 of birds. I have never drawn nor seen this card before, let alone this number or suit. I turn over the second card. The Shadow of the Leopard.

I also know nothing of this Arcana. And the third tarot card, the Five of Rakes. I am... Perplexed. And across from my desk the man sits silently, staring at my selectors. my selections. While he thinks, let's go to the community calendar. Tomorrow afternoon, the newly formed Citizens Against Rock Murdering Academics, or

karma, will gather at the rec center to discuss how to remove the treacherous Dr. Lou Bell and her colleagues at the University of What It Is from Night Vale. They have already killed our friend and fist-sized River Rock Sarah Sultan by explaining away her existence. Karma is asking anyone who thinks interlopers killing our neighbors is bad to please join them at 4 p.m. They'll be brainstorming the best ways to get rid of terrible people. Sunday night, the Night Vale Community Theater will host auditions for their newest show, The Doctor Must Go, a world premiere play about a town that rises up against a professor who is spreading lies and murdering rocks. Tuesday night,

Around 2 a.m. The people who huddle behind the Ralfs have invited everyone who is upset with the university of what it is to huddle. Together, behind the Ralfs. Come huddle with us. Their press release reads, and that's it. Yeah, it's just a piece of paper with that phrase scrawled on it. So, I guess, do that. Finally, next Wednesday is Woodshed.

If Prickly Pear Peter, the Woodchuck, sees his shadow, will have six more weeks of sunshine. If he doesn't, then the center of our solar system shall hold together for another year. I like Prickly Pear Peter because he has that little vest and hat. What a cutie. The tarot reader, right now, adjusts his overly large glasses. He points at the 12 of birds. His fist is so small and his index finger so long that for a moment I think he has no other fingers on that hand. The 12 of birds features a scarecrow made of what looks to be yarn, rather than straw, though the longer I stare at it, the more it appears to be sausage links.

The birds, claws clutch the figures innards, which are strung high into the sky. The scarecrow's shape remains intact, but only because this is a still picture. Perhaps only 30 seconds later, and all that would be left is a wooden stake in an empty cornfield. I look at the birds, which are not crows. In fact, they all seem to be different species. One looks like a blue jay, another a falcon, another a common pigeon. There are 12 of them, of course, each a different size, color. and shape. The scarecrow's face is indifferent. It is simply a burlap sack with two circles for eyes and a

straight line for a mouth. The sack is torn near the temple, exposing something dark orange. Likely, this is a pumpkin, but it evokes an open wound. The tarot card reader moves his hand back to his lap and looks at me. He says nothing, but But I know what he is thinking. I see it in the corners of his wrinkled smile. I feel pulled in too many directions. I am the scarecrow. The birds are my responsibilities.

Control is just an illusion. Once people see through me, they know I am not a threat. The birds no longer fearing the guardian of the field. Tear him apart. Carry him away. There is no food to be had here, the birds seem to say, to let us devour what remains of this empty effigy.

Man is nodding at me. No listeners. I mean, tarot is fun and all, but I don't believe in any of this. Plus, I'm not sure this guy is working with a full deck if you catch my meaning, which is entirely literal. I don't think he has a full tarot deck, like on him. All right, um, let's get to some listener questions. I've gotten lots of letters and calls the past couple of weeks, and they all seem to be about the same thing.

to be about the same thing. Like this one from Robin H. Dear Cecil, I love your show. Oh, I listen every day. Have you not heard about the university of what it is? They're very, very bad. I never hear you mention them. You should educate yourself in this matter.

I, uh, okay, I've done several episodes about this, Robin. You clearly aren't listening every day. Okay, here's one from Jerome C. Hey, Cecil, why are you taking Dr. Lubel's side? All you ever do is talk about how smart she is. This is your town too, man. You need to open your eyes to what's really going on. Okay, Jerome, I'm not on Dr. Lubel's side.

I'm not sure what else I can do to make you believe me. Night Vale, I'm not the enemy here. Dr. Lubel must be held account. for what happened to Sarah Sultan. I have reported what I can about this issue. I mentioned the protests in the community calendar today. I called her treacherous. Threatening.

I don't know what else you want. Finally, this one, Gustavu K. Why won't your husband speak out? We demand to know Carlos' involvement with these people. Silence is suspicious, Cecil. What? Everyone take a deep breath. Count to ten.

Whatever you need to do. We will protect our town, but we will not resort to paranoia or violence. Okay, the tarot card reader is pointing now at my second card. He looks smug, and I told you so sort of grin, and I don't like it. But I'll examine the card anyway. The Shadow of the Leopard. On a flint blue background, there was a large black cat. Unlike a common leopard, it has no spots.

The leopard is walking tall, its neck extended, and its head turned to the right. It is staring at something outside the border of the tarot card. It does not look alarmed, rather. It appears almost pleased. Perhaps it sees food or water, perhaps shelter, or even a potential mate. To the left of the leopard, across the plain grayish backdrop is the black shadow of the black leopard, and it is unclear if the sun or the moon has created this shadow. But it is noticeable that the leopard and the shadow are both pure black.

No light reflects from either, but the existential difference is palpable. The actual leopard is black, because it absorbs all. light. The leopard's black shadow is black because it receives no light. Those who stand behind us define themselves by what they do not have. And they define us by what we do have. Beyond that, oh, the shadow has a different shape than the leopard. The shadow has crouched low. Its joints bent, its back bowed. Its head almost appears to face forward rather than to the side. It is about to run or about to fight.

Either way, it looks scared. Is the shadow, the leopard's shadow, or is it a different entity entirely? Or is it an alternate version of the leopard? They are held together. the ground. Yet they seem to behave independently of one another. The tarot reader pulls his finger away and blinks slowly at me. I'm getting word that my former interns Dana Cardinal, Karim Nasari, and Joseph Fink have been in touch with one another. Each of them has dealt with a doppelganger in their lives. Joseph and Karim are convinced that they are from some other reality

and that a doppelganger has replaced them back in their respective hometowns. Dana also had a double, though she killed her double with a stapler. Or vice versa. She's never been sure who killed who. Upon learning that Kareem had managed to get back to the, quote, real world last year, Joseph asked him for assistance getting there too. Kareem agreed to help but was unable to find his way back to the place called Minch. Mitt, mick, mit, milligan.

Milligan? So, I guess with all other options exhausted, Joseph and Kareem went to see Dr. Janet Lubell of the University of what it is for help in this matter. But Dr. Lubel told them, there is no such thing as doppelgangers. You, Joseph Fink, she explained, are a resident of Nightvale. There is another Joseph Fink in New York State who writes podcasts and books. He has a child and is perfectly happy living his life. You probably read an article about him. He wrote a couple of books last year and launched a new podcast recently, called Unlicensed.

Upon seeing that this Joseph Fink looks a little like you, you made the irrational leap that you two were one and the same. And you, Kareem. Nazari, she explained. You went to Michigan last year and kidnapped the parents of a person who also shares your name. I have reported this to the sheriff. They will return the Nazaris to their home state and hopefully for you they do not press charges. Dr. Lubel concluded,

doppelgangers aren't real. But delusions are go home, both of you. And accept that you are simply. You. Before they left, though, she asked. Wait, did you say this Dana person killed her double? Tell me more about that. The tarot reader is pointing to the five of rakes now. Unlike the other two cards, the five of rakes is light and fun. A boy is hiding in a pile of leaves with five discarded rakes lying to the side. The boy is shirked his duties or merely taken a break.

in order to play. He has raked the leaves into a giant pile and dived in. We can only see his tiny face and huge smile peeking out from a hole in the side. But why five rakes and only one boy? Who else is missing from this picture? Where are the others? Why is the boy really smiling? Is that not a smile? Is it a smirk? Is it a grimace? Is the boy hiding as part of the of a game or out of fear? Has he committed violence? Does he intend to? I'm examining the image even more closely now. Why does the boy look like me? I glance at the tarot reader and I can see the same question in his eyes. If you take the five of rakes at face value, it is a boy playing on an autumn day, but the real story is in what you cannot see the other rakers. The secrets hidden from view.

What else is buried in that pile of leaves? Who else? And what does he want no one else to know? Uh-oh. Uh-huh. Listeners, Dr. Janet Lubel is here in my studio. And next to her is Sheriff Sam. Hi.

Neither look happy, nor do they look like they're here for a tarot reading. I am pointing to the on-air sign, on air, because a passive-aggressive call for quiet is my only power in this situation. Sheriff Sam is respecting the silence, but now they are writing a message, and they're holding it up. It says, we need to talk to you now. You'd best take your listeners to the weather. Maybe from your brain or your hearts, either way your tone feels blank. Did they still end? A fit from your dreams.

Maybe it wasn't even there to begin with. Either way, I know you'll get it back. I don't get you. Say all those words you do. Love you express out loud, before you burn your breezes and turn nuts and turn around. Sheriff Sam started with Sturted with stilted small talk They saw the framed picture on my desk that was sent to me last year

The photo changes all the time It's usually a picture of some redwoods But today, it was a sepia-toned photo of a man dressed, just like me. And Sam asked, Is that your father, Cecil? I said, I didn't know. That frame was delivered to me one day from an unknown source.

I keep throwing it away, but it keeps reappearing on my desk. Dr. Lubel began scribbling notes. She said, for future research, like someone had asked. She then placed her hand on mine, as if sympathizing with my fatherless upbringing, and added, everything needs an explanation, don't you think Cecil?

Finally, Sheriff Sam said, You want to tell us where Dana Cardinal is? I said, I didn't know. I hadn't spoken to her in months. Dr. Lou Bell said, she's not in any trouble. I just want to learn more about these supposed doppelgangers in Night Vale. Dana claims to have met and killed her double. Or the other way around, I interjected.

Of course, no, of course, of course, or the other way around. She repeated with saccharine empathy, what I'd love to know from Dana is where this double was buried. Then Sheriff Sam whispered excitedly, Cecil, I just learned that murder is a felony. Dana could be in some pretty bad trouble. Well, we don't know that yet, Sheriff, Dr. Lupel said. Cecil, if her double was, in fact, a doppelganger, and, you know, not a real human being, then Dana's in no trouble at all.

The tarot reader had already packed up his cards. He held out his hand, and I understood. I placed three dollars across his palm. He bowed lightly, almost a shrug. and left, strenuously tugging his cart behind him. Wow, tarot cards, Dr. Lubel said. What a scam. And she laughed pityingly.

Then she swung back to me with a fierceness in her manner I had not yet seen from her. You call me if you hear from Dana. She tossed her business card on my desk and left with the sheriff. Next to her card, I saw that the tarot reader had left behind one of his own. It was a tarot card I had not drawn. It was called The Scientist. On it was a person in a white lab coat holding a clipboard high in the air, covering the top half of their face.

All that was visible was the scientist's mouth, which was so poorly drawn it was as if the artist fell asleep, halfway through painting it. And in the scientist's pocket was a card. It was the same card, the scientist. And in that scientist's pocket

the same card, and on, and on, and on. And I, I think, I think I wasted three bucks. Stay tuned next for the popular game show. Who's in my house? where contestants try to understand strange voices and figures in the dark. Good night, Nightvale.

Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disperition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Long Way by Bonfire Realm. Find out more at bonfire realm.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

And Instagram at Nightvale Official. And I don't know, we're not on Mastodon yet. Tell you what, check out Nightvalepresents.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that gives you everything we're up to and is not owned by any weird billionaires. Today's proverb, you break it, you bought it. That's the only way to purchase. We don't accept cash in this store. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tibed. of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience, engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.