Welcome to Night Vale - 220 - A Radio Jupiter Holiday Special

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Lonely missives from beyond the beyond. Weather: “The Witch” by Indra Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news

that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th, so make sure you are still subscribed to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com And click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe.

And hey, thanks. Think about treating people the way you want to be treated. It's the thought that counts. Welcome to Night Vale. Well, we have a special surprise for you all today, listeners. A holiday broadcast unlike any we've done before. It's positively out of this world. I say this because it was recorded in outer space.

Some of you might know Radio Jupiter, who lives near Grove Park. She landed in our town earlier this year and has made herself a welcome and friendly presence. She explains she's just happy to be a human amongst humans after so many years alone in the cosmos, a wanderer against her will. During that lonely sojourn through the universe, she celebrated many holiday seasons on her own. And she has agreed to share the tapes of those celebrations with us all. as a reminder that however far-flung the human spirit, it still remains so beautifully, fragilely human.

Here is the first of those tapes. Hello? Can anyone hear me? Well, I can hear me. And I'm anyone. If there's one thing that can be said about me, it's that I'm anyone at all. This is Radio Jupiter, and it's that time of year. again. At least I'm pretending it is. Every measure of time is attached to a solar system I don't exist in anymore. What does a year mean without the earth, without the sun? How would you describe it to

someone who only knows the vacuum of space? No matter how as a taric are mathematics, they are are hopelessly tactile. Still the paws of apes scratching at the rock they call home. Nevertheless, I can pretend to count time. I can pretend that a year has passed. I can pretend that time moves only forward, that it never curves or bends or loops. I can pretend a lot of things. I have a very good imagination. So it is that chapter of the year again, when humans respond to the cold outside by turning to the warmth of each other.

This is the season of huddling. Oh, we call it other things. Write grand stories to justify. But ultimately, what we seek is touch. And the hot breath of another person, on the side of our face. This is a holiday of nerves-seeking nerves, a holiday of sensation.

It is huddling that we seek, and I am alone. And in space, it is always cold. Heat comes from movement, and nothing in this vacuum moves but me, because nothing exists. exists a move, but me. I have no one to huddle with.

That is always a problem. But it is most acute when I imagine that it is this time of year. Satellite without referent. That's me. Orbiting and orbiting, but without center. So, okay. I will have to be my own center. My orbit will be around myself.

I will huddle with me. It is not enough, but I will make it enough. More of this holiday cheer soon, but first, a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by the Tourism Board of Manchigan. Manchigan. From the pristine shores of Lake Mujaran to the forested shores of Lake Lancho. Lake Huron to the underrated shores of Lake Erie. We are the premier tourism destination in the Upper Midwest,

not counting Chicago and parts of Wisconsin and Minnesota. Come enjoy the college town vibes of Ann Arbor, the raw natural beauty of the Upper Peninsula, and the rock and roll energy of detois. Pure Mitchaloon. See what all the fuss is about. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, listeners. This seems to be some kind of prank pulled on me by the ad department.

Making a sponsor message for a fake place, we hold ourselves to higher standards. And I will be having some stern words with them about this joke. Let's have a look now at stock tips. There are many ways to be successful at stocks. For instance, you can be lucky, or you can cheat. Those are the two ways. Luck is difficult. Not impossible, but it does require some spells.

You have to wear a small bag around your neck stuffed with thistle and rosemary and burn the one thing in your life most precious to you. And even then, half the time you just end up with your sourdough turning out perfect or getting wordle in two, which if you think about it is actually much more impressive than getting it in one. you will say to everyone you know, even though they extremely do not care. What I'm saying is it's hard to aim luck. So, your best bet is to cheat. Fortunately, there are a ton of ways to cheat.

For instance, you can do some corporate espionage, find out information before it hits the open market, and then invest accordingly. Or you can manipulate. the markets, causing untold suffering and wiping out the entire economy for the sake of buying your third house. If history tells us anything, and I hope it doesn't, you won't even get punished. Now, the absolute best way to cheat, and doctors hate this one weird trick, is to join Congress. Because there is no law against actively investing while in Congress,

despite the fact that you will be constantly told secret information that will radically affect the markets. And you could just make a ton of money on that info without any consequences, because who's going to pass a law against that? You don't make me laugh. Please, don't make me laugh. It hurts so terribly when I laugh. Ow! Oh, man. Oh, I miss laughing.

Oh, I miss it so much. This has been Stuck Tips. Let's get the next Radio Jupiter holiday tape going. These are so festive. Another holiday up here in the up here, beyond the beyond, where the limits of the human mind meet the limitless depths of space. I have come to terms with my terms, I think. Anything is tolerable if you choose to tolerate it.

I am choosing to believe that. Every breath on this spaceship is one I have made before. I am a cycle. It all goes through me. I am my own ecosystem. I gave myself a present yesterday. It was a surprise. I took some paper from the desk,

and I grabbed something at random from the storage area with my eyes closed, and then wrapped it with the paper I still closed. So I don't know what's inside. Other than the clue of what my hands felt, but I did my best not to think about it much. Let's see. I did an okay job at rapping, given that I wasn't looking at all.

It's kind of stapler-shaped. When I shake it, it makes a little clinking sound. Kling, clink, clink. Kind of festive in its own way. Let's open it. It's not a stapler. It's a sculpture, done in a modern style of a man weeping.

His torso is twisted and his face is buried in his hands. I've never seen this sculpture before. How did it get in my storage area? Well, what a surprise. Not a nice surprise, exactly. But after eons, any surprise is nice in its own way. The statue makes me upset, which is nice. It's nice to feel anything.

I'm going to put it by my bed so I can see it when I wake up. Maybe I'll be startled. Can you imagine what a fun change of pace that would be? Before we hear more from Radio Jupiter, it's time to hear more from Radio Cecil, which is a cool new nickname I just gave myself. Feel free to call me Radio Cecil

if you run into me at the Ralph's or in a dark, narrow stretch deep in the cave system they recently found in the sand wastes. I think we have time for a quick horridor. Aquarius? No. Aries. Yes. Cancer? Yes. Capricorn.

Maybe? Gemini. Absolutely not. Leo? Okay, sure. Libra? No. Pisces? Yes. Sagittarius? Yep. Scorpio?

Definitely. Taurus? Horus? Definitely not. Vergo. Today is a good day for business decisions. And this has been Horoscopes. And now a public service announcement. Do you know that car that was abandoned on Mirkat Lane? The one with the rusted out passenger door and the trunk that is half open, sort of inviting you to look inside to see what was left along with the car? Well, a representative from the federal government would like to make clear that you do not see that car. You have never seen that car. If you are under the false impression that you are seeing that car, then you are having some sort of episode.

The best thing to do when having some sort of episode is to simply stop looking at the thing that you are not seeing. There is no a car abandoned on Mirkat Lane, the government representative, explained, there may not even be a mere cat lane. Hell, the representative said, leaning on the wall behind the ice cream shop, chewing on a toothpick, the question of whether you exist is still open. Then the representative narrowed their eyes and said, Don't make us close that question. Well, I don't know what car they're talking about, and neither do you.

No one knows anything. This has been a public service announcement. I hope you feel better informed. But enough boring radio stuff. Let's get that cheery holiday mood going. I lost the statue. I don't know how. This is a sealed environment.

Nothing comes in. Nothing goes out. But it's gone. Ah, well, it really... It really was very upsetting. Perhaps it is better that it leaves me. That's another year past, I think. I've lost track of even the counting,

and so I just decided it is a season when my gut tells me so. I don't have a guest to my birthday, and so I celebrate that whenever it feels like my birthday. I have aged so, much. There were months where it felt like my birthday every day. I must have gone through a hundred years since the last holiday. It's all arbitrary. I'm a thousand years old. I'm newborn. This is Radio Jupiter, and I am beyond time and space. Was the statue stolen? Was there someone here to steal? I would like to meet someone, anyone, even if they are a thief.

Maybe they have their reasons. Like the statue was upsetting and they enjoy being upset. Sometimes I enjoy being upset. It makes me feel like I have a goal. You know, speaking of goals, I'm thinking it's time to make a change. to make a plan, to take action, to make the hard choices, the tough decisions. This is the season of taking stock, of looking back, of peering forward. And this isn't working.

This here, life as I'm living it, isn't working. Next holiday will be different. I can promise you that. Whoever you are, I hope you like the statue. Everywhere, we humans go, we bring our world with us. There is no empty that is deep enough to swallow our life completely. When the last of us huddle in a dying world, one of us will tell a story, and another of us will laugh.

And now... The weather. After adventures. Admit ambition. Amaze anyone. Anyone. Ah, adequate amateur. Apologies.

Breath-taking beauty. Better beings. Blaze. Bobbles, bopes, spangles. Beyond Bermuda. Beyond Bermuda. Beetlejuice, beautiful, cruel cosmic calendar, calm, cold calculation, chaotic cohesion, charting correct course, dreary distance, eternal emptiness, except Earth, gorgeous, generous, gaudy, glamorous, grand, gradual galley, Galaxies. Goth giants, gashes, gods.

Hail, hello. Hi! I'm individual. I'm impressive. I'm instrumental. I'm... ...inmate. Just joking.

Jittery Jolity. Keep kind, kid. Keep keen. Learn language last. Limit language. Limit language. Laughter lifts like lightning. Little lovely looks.

Like lightning. Me, myself. Mostly me. No natural neighbors. Nearly nothing. Not nothing, nothing-ish. Oh, organic others. Oh,

observers. Observe. Okay? Okay? Pass pretending. Painful panic. Perhaps people? Please, perhaps people. Possible people? Please. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet quiet. Risking rudeness. Risking riot? Risking riot? Risking, risk. Seward slips dead self. Situation seized. Turn about. Take off. Testimant to transition. Thinking, there's there, there. Understandable underdog. Uniquely unlucky. Vast vessel. Veering. Vroom. Vroom. Watch. We will wander widely. We will witness a warm, wonderful world. Zedophile! Yelling, yes! Yes!

Zip! Zip! We are a storytelling species. Other animals use tools. Other animals communicate. Every division we try to throw up to separate ourselves from our animal kindred gets knocked down, except this. Human beings have an insatiable drive to organize the world into narrative, both real and unreal.

We are the only species to tell harmless lies that our audience knows our lies in order to delight and inspire. What a heavy burden, the truth. What a light gift, a fabulation. A lie is a thing with feathers. Radio Jupiter has come home to us, and we are grateful for her return. She has taken up residence in the manor on the hill overlooking Grove Park. She speaks to no one, rarely ventures out, I think. She is still recovering from her years of solitude and may need some time to return to us completely.

She should take all the time she needs. But at night, I can look up and see the light in her window, and from that window she can look down and see the lights of our windows. The stars she sees now have human faces behind them. I hope every day she feels a little less alone, because this is a time of year where we seek to feel less alone, whether by actual company or the nearness of strangers, or just a good story, well told.

From my understanding of the truth to yours, may your winter be just a little, less alone. Good night, Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as the production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Think and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Disparition. The voice of Radio Jupiter is Robin Verdict. Ginny. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at

disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was The Witch by Indra. Find out more at Linktree slash Indra official music. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or on Instagram at Nightvale Official or, you know, just sign up for our newsletter, please. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for info about the brand new show by the Nightvale team. Unlicensed. It is so very good. Today's proverb. Can you believe it's almost already 2021? Wait, I'm being handed a note. I'm sorry. What? Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th.

London on May 29th and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveal.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcome to nightville.com slash live.

And hey, thanks.