Welcome to Night Vale - 221 - The Glow Cloud, Explained

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

The University of What It Is takes a special interest in a certain glowing cloud. Weather: “Blackeyeblue“ by Shotgun Marmalade The voice of Dr. Janet Lubelle is Janet Varney. Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, Do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows.

First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightville needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on a IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. A fool and his casket are easily parted. Welcome to Nightvale.

This is an emergency. I don't know how to say what I must say, except to say it. So here I am saying, Dr. Lou Bell of the University of What It Is has announced that she plans to study and explain the glow cloud. The glow cloud is a night veil institution, one that first came to us as catastrophe over 10 years ago, but has since found its place as a vital part of our community. becoming president of the school board and a devoted parent to its child who is now thankfully away at college and so is in no danger. Nightfail. We must protect the glow cloud. Sure, it controls our thoughts and our bodies. Flashes glowing colors and patterns that dry our mouths and heave our guts and sure it drops the dead bodies of animals everywhere as it passes. But the glow cloud is our friend.

And Dr. Lubel is our enemy. The enemy of our friend is our enemy, especially when she was already our enemy and just stinks all around. Listeners, gather whatever is nearby that you can use in a fight and join me in the streets. We will not let this happen. I will be right there with you after I finish my radio show. Of course, I have to do my radio show. But you all should get out there now. In other news, I finally heard from Jared Banski, who painted all those murals all over town.

The ones where the paint peeled away and underneath the paint was pulsing flesh, meat and muscle, and juices and ooze. And now all the paint has fully fallen away and the buildings are, well, partly organic. Like architectural cyborgs. And Jared disappeared quite suddenly soon after the murals were complete, along with most of his possessions. Well, the good news is he says he's fine. Apparently he's too busy to talk himself, so he had the default text-to-speech voice on an Apple computer, give me a call, and phonetically read me something he had, presumably, personally written himself. Here's what Jared had to say.

Hello, Cecil. I am Jared, and I am off on a nice vacation. I will likely be on this nice vacation for the rest of my life, or maybe for the rest of eternity. There are birds where I am, and breezes, and a palm tree. There is no pain here. I have not experienced pain since leaving night veil. The nights are dark and cool and the days are bright and warm, and the swimming pool is delicious. Good day, Cecil. Do not look for me. You won't find me. I am on a nice vacation somewhere secret, and you'll never find me again. It was weird when he said the swimming pool was delicious, but maybe that's just Jared being Jared. You know how Jared is. Well, it sounds like Jared is doing great. Meanwhile, we're stuck with these

weird flesh murals. Maybe we should try painting over them. If that doesn't, you know, anger them. I've received a voicemail from Dr. Lou Bell. Now, for the sake of public knowledge, I am going to play the voicemail now. I haven't listened to it yet. So just a warning that its contents may be upsetting.

Yeah, hi, Cecil. Okay, heard your broadcast about our scientific efforts. Can't say I appreciate the tone, but thanks for letting people know about our very important work. You know, most media just isn't covering science these days. Can you believe it? Shameful, really. But anyway, we have indeed begun our studies on this so-called glow cloud. As always, we do not seek to harm anything.

We only seek to find out everything there is to know about it until there is not an ounce of poetry. Left. Poetry is a fancy word that means ignorance, and we simply do not stand for it. I won't have anyone get in my way. Anyone who gets in my way, they might need to be scientifically explained as well, right? Yes, that would be just a ticket. A real specific and detailed explanation for anyone who dares to oppose me, because I'm a scientist, and despite harmful misinformation by certain other local scientists, This is what a scientist does. Horrifying.

Please be safe out there, Night Vale. If a scientist looks like they might be trying to explain you, seek shelter immediately. Don't panic. It won't help, and it will only annoy everyone else. And now, a message from our sponsors. Today's broadcast is brought to you by Applebee's. We have an offer.

The offer is Plate of food. What do we want in return? Not enough money. Not enough money to sustainably grow the ingredients for this plate of food, ship those ingredients to your location, and pay workers fairly to process those ingredients into the triple-kaso nacho burger salad with optional chili crunch topping.

No. Not nearly enough money. to pay for all of that. How can we offer plate of food for not enough money? Don't worry about it. Not your problem.

Someone's problem. For sure. Everyone's problem. Eventually. But for now, here, in this booth that smells like cleaner and burnt hair on this tabletop that is a little bit tacky, under this

light that is not flattering. to your complexion, the how of our food? Not your problem. Applebees. Try not to think about a chicken that can be hatched, raised, fed, slaughtered, shipped, and prepared for the amount of money you are paying for it. This has been a word from our sponsors. And now, traffic.

Why does traffic even exist? Now, I think it's because the roads aren't wide enough. Two lanes? Not enough lanes, obviously. Now, if we merely make all roads wider, then there will be less and less traffic until there's no traffic at all. Now, this is basic logic, like such as a child could do. So, okay, let's go up to...

four lanes. Better, but there's still traffic. Okay, let's take it up to eight lanes. Yeah, now we're really cooking. But the cars are still lining up and honking and getting caught and snarls and slowdowns just as much as they did with a two-lane road. Okay, so let's take it up to 16 lanes. This road is great.

I mean, it's terrifying. All these cars seething down this broad stretch of blacktop, it's like an apocalyptic. vision. If one of the apostles saw this, there would be a whole other book in the Bible. I'll tell you that, but it's still not enough. 32 lanes? No. 64 lanes? 128 lanes? This is getting good. The road is as wide as the world, from horizon to horizon. The road curves at the edges where it meets the bend of the planet and the cars just keep coming and so do the traffic jams. 256 lanes, 512 lanes, your entire journey can be from one side of the highway to the other, a constant series of putting on your left blinker and checking over your shoulder.

Soon every inch of this planet will be highway. Lane after beautiful lane and we will have conquered traffic forever at last. Then we will finally be done. Then we will finally have enough lanes! Of course. Well, after that we'll need to talk about adding some parking lots. This has been traffic. Despite our best efforts, science is continuing at the university of what it is.

And not the good kind of science done by Carlos at his lab. I want to be clear on this. The science that Carlos does is that of beakers and numbers. Scrawled on chalkboards and those little antenna with the lightning shooting between them and it makes that zzap Zzap kind of sound That is the science of love and humanity Science that helps and heals But the science of Dr. Lubel? It's merely cold dissection

It is a rush to overturn every stone no matter what delicate ecosystem might be living under that stone. The science of Carlos respects the mysteries of Nightvale, but the science of Dr. Lubel seeks to destroy them one by one with a weapon called explanation. Science is not neutral. It turns out that nothing is, I guess. What can we do to stop those who use a good tool to ill ends? I don't know, but someone needs to figure it out.

And soon. And now for the community calendar. Tonight there will be a roundtable discussion at the community center. No topic has been given. No organizers have been announced. There was no specific time for the start of the event. Word just went around town that we should show up at the community center tonight and and start arguing with anyone we see. Like the old saying goes,

be at war with your neighbors and at peace with your vices. Thursday morning, there will be a sunrise. Now, there are only around 360 of these rare astronomical events every year and only so many years in one life, so don't miss it. Or, you know, sleep through it

and let that unrepeatable, irreplaceable, irreplaceable moment pass you by. Up to you. Friday night, Temple Beth Lashone will be holding a Shabbas walk along the Nightvale Waterfront and Harbor Recreation Area. There will be meditations, prayer, community, and of course a number of exotic birds. You need at least 10 exotic birds to have a Jewish service. It's true. On Saturday, there will be a room. in your house in which you urinate into clean water and then replace with more clean water every single time. Wild, right? Well, it's just the way we do it, so it has to be the best way and don't let anyone tell you a word different. Sunday is the flea market down in the old

alleyway out back of City Hall. Vendors from far-off realms will gather with trinkets and bubbles. Yours for a price, although the price will not often be near money, so buyers beware. There will also be donuts, courtesy of the Nightfail Youth Bowling League. On Monday, we will be doing a repeat of February 7, 1994. It appears there were some errors on that day, and we will go through it as many times as necessary until we get it right at last. And Tuesday, it just says the day of rendering, which could mean many things. Most of them quite good, I'm sure. This has been the community calendar.

Be quiet now. Quiet. The worst is upon us. Dr. Lou Bell, that foul deceiver, has exited her garden of lies, which is a new nickname I have given to the University of what it is. She is announcing that her study on the glow cloud has concluded, and she is ready to give the results. Okay, let's all rush to try and stop her.

And while we do that, I'll throw it to the weather. Hi, everyone. Oh, wow, so many excited faces. Oh, you're all shouting. Okay, that's great. Love the enthusiasm. Ooh, you're also throwing objects. And that is enthusiasm I am less interested in, but still, you know, good energy.

Okay, so we have taken a look at this so-called glow cloud, and it appears that, well, it's a cloud. It's definitely a cloud, and like most clouds, light can shine through it. The water vapor diffuses that light, so maybe that's where you're getting the nice glow effect. Certainly pretty. Can't say it's not pretty. but I can say it's nothing unusual. Pretty as common as dirt and not of any serious scientific interest. The dead animals falling from the sky, that was a unique wrinkle,

and one that I was excited to iron out, as it were, but it's really quite simple. There is a known meteorological phenomenon in which objects, such as dead animals, are drawn into the air by dust devils or water spouts or what have you, and then dropped back to the earth again, And simply, that's what happened here. As far as all the chanting you people do in the presence of this cloud, our sociology team has determined this to be simply collective hysteria

and the recitation's just another form of glossolalia, not dissimilar to speaking in tongues. There are a lot of communal and personal benefits to these practices, so good for you. But it's not the clouds doing, it's yours. So that's it. Nice cloud, fully explained. to the next thing and the next after that and the next after that until all of nightbale is

explain every last bit of it see ya listeners i'm standing under the glow cloud i'm standing under a cloud that is glowing at least there is no hum there's no feeling of a great intangible trying to worm its way into my mind there are no dead animals falling from the sky and no faint but pretty smell of vanilla. Dr. Lubel's vile explanation has rendered the glow cloud inert. The fragile element of mystery that sustained it is gone. And I see now that the glow is only the sun filtering through this cloud, which is only a temporary arrangement of water.

But speaking as a temporary, arrangement of water myself. I grieve. The glow cloud has been with us for a decade. Through the highs and the lows, through the bad times and the good, through every single all hail torn unwillingly from our ragged throats. I can still say the words. All hail the glow cloud, the great glow cloud that uses our will for its own whims, that rules us puny beings, all hail. See, the words are still there, but there's no power behind them. They are just sentences.

The same way I can say, sure, I'd like a turkey sandwich, and, you know, I think maybe I don't like the country. color orange. That awesome, awful, meaning, that greater purpose, that has been stripped from us. Who will tell the glow cloud's child? Dr. Lubel has taken another of our citizens, and we will not forget this. We will not forgive this. Nightvale is filled with rage, and we are, if we are honest with ourselves, a dangerous.

dangerous town, but that is for later. Now, I honor the glow cloud. I honor, well, not my friend, exactly, but a part of my life, a big part of my life for a long while now. I honor the glow cloud as it dissipates into the evening air, splitting into other clouds. and then into rain. A steady, pattering rhythm on our rooftops.

Making animals hide in their burrows. Making cars slow down so as not to skid. Making the trees shake their mighty branches slowly as if to say, no, it cannot be so. No. Stay tuned next for silence. Two solid weeks of silence, followed by improbably, noise. All hail, Nightvale.

All hail. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightfail Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Disparition. The voice of Dr. Lou Bell is Janet Varney. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Black Eye Blue by Shotgun Marmalade by Shotgun Marmalade. com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightville Radio and on Instagram at Nightvale Official. And also check out Welcome to Nightvail. Welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list and info about our Patreon, which allows this show to continue. Please consider joining it. Today's proverb, Love it or list it is a false dichotomy. There are other things you could do. Sing to it, flirt with it, sabotage it, just knock it down and leave your life and everything in it behind. So many choices. Today's proverb, love it or list it,

is a false dichotomy. There are other things you could do. Sing to it, flirt with it, sabotage it, just knock it down and leave your life and everything in it behind. So many choices. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show.

Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveil.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.