Welcome to Night Vale - 223 - Big Rico's Pizza Band

Episode Date: March 1, 2023

Big Rico's Pizza has a new animatronic animal band. Weather: “On a Journey“ by Theresa Ambat This episode was written by Brie Williams The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin The voice of Big Rico is Mal Blum Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. is our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale

for all of your Nightveil needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks.

This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Hear that, that's your next obsession. Every coffee, a new world. Every sip, a new taste. This is the new espresso. One touch, endless possibilities. iced, flavored, long, short, because some days call for that espresso kick, and sometimes a smooth, silky latte just wins. It's exceptional but effortless, like actually effortless.

Simply press, brew, and explore. Nispresso, what else? Keep exploring at nespresso.com. Speak of the devil. Spit at a wizard. Drink with a ghost. Welcome to Nightveil. Our top story, obviously, is that after being a wizard, is that after being a wizard, drink with a ghost, welcome.

Our top story, obviously, is that after being closed for remodeling, Big Rico's pizza is back, baby. Wow, doesn't it seem like they've been closed forever? Does to me, but it has only been one month. And of course, a month is forever to certain species of insects who live and die within the span of 30 days. Egg, larva, pupa, adult, breeder, corpse, dust. All in the time it takes to remodel a pizza parlor. One of nature's little miracles. I have here a description of everything you can expect to see at the new and improved Big Rico's Pizza.

Or as they are now called Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone. That's right, Big Rikos is serving up steaming hot slices of entertainment in addition to their famously satisfactory pizza. Customers can look forward to a classic Big Rico's atmosphere paired with a greater emphasis on family fun. Updates include a ball pit, a snake pit, a second ball pit with a few snakes hidden in it, whack-a-mole, and an animatronic rock band called the Table Scraps. Oh my God, I love animatronic pizza bands. I wish you all could see the promotional photos, these little little. little guys are so cute.

Ah! Okay. Let's see. I have their band bio here. Rodney Rat. Pasha Possum. And Chrissy Cockroach are the table scraps. These party animals... Oh, I get that one. That's cute.

Use state-of-the-art AI technology to write their own songs and create their own fun dances, reacting in real time to their audience and also to the stock market ticker. for some reason. We haven't been able to work that bug out. Anyway, unlike some entertainment pizza bands, they are totally not creepy at all. No child looks upon their waxy visage and weeps. No baby recoils in terror from their wildly jerking limbs or slowly blinking eyes.

No parent flees from the mechanical clack of cloth-covered jaws singing along with one. warped recordings. The table scraps can turn any meal into an unforgettable jamboree. Well, I'm very excited about this news. Oh yeah, Esteban's birthday is coming up, and Carlos and I have been wondering where we should have it. Well, the grand reopening is happening right now, so head on down to check it out for yourselves, and please report back. Let's look now at the news.

Numerous townspeople have been raptured this week. Like, way more than usual. Oh, and to clarify, I'm using the verb rapture as shorthand for getting sucked into the sky. We have no reason to believe there are any religious implications to it. It appears to be exactly as meaningless as any other way to die. Though, I'm not going to lie, it looks a little more exciting. Just walking down the street. thinking about what to get for lunch and whoop, up you go.

Like a balloon accidentally released from a baby's hand, catapulting toward breathtaking oblivion in a clear blue sky. Ironically getting colder and colder the closer you get to the sun. Thankfully disappearing from view before anyone below can witness the horrors of what happens to your body. You know, I'd normally give the names and biographical details of those we've lost, but given the quantity, that's all still being sorted out. For now, I'll only say you were loved and you will be missed forever, whoever you are. To those still with us, I would say stay safe out there,

but individual behavior doesn't seem to matter on this one, so that's kind of a relief, huh? Rules and precautions can get so tiresome. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, looks like we have some updates on Big Rico's grand opening. something that involves a lockdown and the fire department. Well, that seems like a bad combo. But first, traffic. There's a new stoplight at the intersection of Somerset and Maine. It has one of those built-in cameras, so proceed with caution.

You won't get a ticket, but your picture will be published in a newsletter of bad drivers. As part of the traffic department's new, shame, First Policy. If you do stop at the light, please remember to resume driving immediately when it's your turn. The blinking light can become hypnotic. If you look at it for too long, you will forget things. Where you're going? Where you came from? Someone's name right after you're introduced to them? Your internet passwords? Your car keys? That one's especially important because, well, you're driving right now. They're supposed to be in your ignition. Now they're gone, and you can't think of where they could possibly be. People are lining up

behind you, honking, and shouting for you to go through the light. You don't know what to do, so you put your hazards on. They blink synchronously with the stoplight. Red, red, red, The cacophony of honking fades away. The frenzied shouting and the angry sets of hands rocking at the sides of your car are a distant thrum. You haven't forgotten your keys and passwords and people's names. You've transcended them. They're inconsequential. It's only you and the stoplight now.

Red. Red. Red. This has been. Traffic. Now back to the grand reopening of Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone. The fire department was called in by a neighbor who witnessed smoke and flames shooting from the windows. My brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, is on the phone with a full report, live on the scene.

Go ahead, Steve. Hi, Cecil. I'm here at Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone, celebrating another big win for the basketball team. Of course, I don't coach them anymore, but I overheard Coach Donaldson say this is where they were going to celebrate, so I came out to show my support. They haven't arrived yet. I might have heard her wrong. Anyway, I just watched the performance of a lifetime, Cecil. The table scraps are phenomenal. I haven't seen a show like that since I was a teenager when music was more meaningful because emotions were easier to access.

Unfortunately, they don't make music like they used to when my body feels. felt good and my future was an open door to a sunny day. New so-called music just sounds like I'm in my late 40s and have a job I don't like. Ugh. Okay, um, what's happening with the fire, though? Pyro-technics! It's all part of the table scraps act. The fire department call was a false alarm.

There were hardly any injuries. And the people who died were pretty old, so their deaths were probably unrelated. They probably just gently passed away of old age while coincidentally. mentally being on fire. And did I hear something about a lockdown? Yep. The whole building locks down automatically when the table scraps start playing. Then it unlocks when they finish their show. It's part of Big Rico's new entertainment guarantee, so the customers don't miss out on any of the fun,

whether they want to or not. Anyway, the doors are closing, and security is coming to wrestle my phone away from me because the band's about to start their next set. Hey, give me that. Gotta go, Cecil. Thanks for the update, Steve. Sounds like everyone is having a great time. Out there, we'll check back with this story in a bit. First, a word from our sponsors.

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Flesh is so basic. Oh, my God. Are you even serious? Beyond meat lies a realm of pure transcendent thought. And we made a burger out of it. This has been a word from our sponsor. Oh, I have an update on the rapture situation. A series of anti-gravity experiments over at the community college may be to blame,

which would make sense given that all the incidents occurred near campus while the experiments were being conducted. But as my friends in the science department assure me, correlation does not imply causation. Past performance is not a predictor of future results, as the old saying goes. We can't assume a cause and effect relationship just because two events are totally related. The science department is investigating the matter with an empirical study they hope to conclude in three to 30 years. In the meantime, stay safe out there by doing whatever you want and hoping for the best. See, this is what real science.

is all about. Dangerous, frightening experiments conducted on an unknowing populace with a vague aim and no clear end date. Not like the so-called science over at a certain university. I'm not saying which one, but it rhymes with... But pit-fiz. Now, listeners, a special treat. Since the new animatronic band at Big Rikos is so popular, let's do a citizen spotlight on the Table Scraps lead singer Rodney Rat.

Rodney hails from an electronics factory in Milpitas, California. He also hails from a puppet fabrication workshop in Brockton, Massachusetts. His complex neural network allows him to translate observations and experiences into song lyrics for his band to perform. themes of his uvra include pizza, family, and the life of a working musician. I have here the lyrics of one of his hit songs, Pizza for the Weekend. In a dark room, in a strange town, little Billy eats pizza for dinner. Eat a little, get a little older.

Mama made pizza, nobody made pizza, pizza for the weekend. I run the streets. Take a risk. Break free. You can float a pizza above the flames from a train. Oh. Oh, I wonder if that's where the pyrotechnics came in. You know, maybe on that flames from a train part.

I mean, if not, that would be a great place for it. So I'm saying. Rodney Rats' bandmates are Pasha Possum, who plays guitar. And Chrissy Cockroach, who skitters around the stage using her long, spiny legs as percussion. They've technically known each other their entire lives, though AI has no concept of linear time. Welcome to town, new robotic residents. And now a look at education. Cursive lettering will be banned in all Nightville public schools. Letters once flowing together in

unity will now have to stand on their own, reflective of our strong individualist selection. Those dang letters have gotten a free ride for too long, propping each other up, working together, never taking a minute to slow down and simply be. What's the hurry, cursive letters? Why so codependent? Curseive letters are subservient little lemmings, and we are here to smash them apart by force if necessary. PTA President Gordon Moreno spoke out at the last school board meeting. He was met with cheers and applause, and the motion to ban was passed unanimously. All denounced the conformist method of penmanship by voting exactly alike. Any student found to be using cursive on or off school grounds will be expelled and made to watch the cursed videotape that was recently found in the janitor closet.

Everyone is just like super curious what happens when someone watches it, so, you know, this seemed a great way to find out. find out. And now a disturbing update from the Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone Grand Reopening. What was once a day filled with fun and laughter has descended into a scene of chaos and terror. Children and families run for their lives but are unable to escape the locked building. It's unclear exactly what the threat is, but I'm getting various panicked messages from those trapped inside. They are coming for us. One frightened resident writes,

while another says, in all caps, please God make the music stop. Several children who attempted to seek refuge in the ball pit disappeared beneath the colorful plastic orbs and are now considered missing. The children who sought refuge in the snake pit, however, are safely cushioned by vipers and doing well. It sounds like things have taken a turn down

there, I wonder what went wrong. You know, I'm calling Steve's phone, but there's no answer. You know, while I try to get in touch with someone on the scene, let's go to the weather. I can never seem to find my place here. Go into hiding, keep an eye to the rain. I can never seem to find quiet. Is most could come down any moment? No, place my pieces.

We're gonna' On a journey Somehow I know We don't need the words to know We needed space from here Because there was freedom when I looked at the sky Maybe something needs to change Fear

I remember what I used to be like Want you to On a journey Somehow I'm on strangers And this line Slashed I'm surrounded by the wall Find myself

If I'm my home I can put the baggage down the show of my heart Slashed apart Stained glass lampshades shattered Red plastic pitchers of root beer tipped Cascading frothy waterfalls onto the carpet Pizza slices Abandoned

Something happened down at big goes pizza and entertainment zone. Something bad. And whatever it is, it's still happening. I've received several updates from Steve that the animatronic band, The Table Scraps, have gone on some kind of rampage and are holding everyone hostage. He's currently hiding in the prize closet and doesn't want to talk on the phone in case they hear him. Though he says they haven't stopped playing music.

the entire time, using their ground-breaking AI to incorporate the violence and terror seamlessly into their pizza-themed songs. He's not sure if the robots are malfunctioning, but the manager is on hold with tech support to do some troubleshooting. Meanwhile, Rodney Rat is lighting things on fire, and Pasha Possum is ripping pizza boxes to shreds. And Chrissy Cockroach is still just, you know, skittering around, but seems to be corralling the children into the arcade alcove. The children are all crying but can't seem to stop singing along to the ceaseless music.

Oh, update. Rodney Rat has now imprisoned a teenage girl inside the walk-in refrigerator. He is outside the door singing, You are the one we seek over and over in the center of a ring of fire. Oh, breaking news, listeners. Officers from the sheriff's secret police have arrived at Big Ricoh's. And they have successfully entered the locked building with their town skeleton key.

Huh, didn't know that existed. It's cool, especially because it apparently is made from an actual skeleton, although they won't say whose. While we wait to see how that goes, here's a message from the man himself, Big Rico Goldblum. You know, I was wondering where he's been during all this. Let's see what he has to say. Cecil, this is all a big misunderstanding. The table scraps are only trying to protect the restaurant. It started out with this buddy of mine.

I won't say his name, but he's a kingpin, you could say, down at the Cheesecake Factory. We got to talking one night, and he told me about all the trouble he was having with vandalism after hours. And there was this experimental security guard program he was involved in developing called Cheesecake Factory, Warriors. Basically, he commissioned AI robots to act as night security for the restaurant. They were made to look like typical nighttime animals so they could go undercover and apprehend

wrongdoers. Rat, possum, roach. Great idea, right? Fast forward a few weeks and it turns out their security methods actually ended up escalating the destruction of property. The cheesecake factory burned to the ground, as you may recall. The bots were decommissioned after that and stored in the Rehabilitation Institute for Wayward AI and Pizza Animatronic Ban Supply Depot. That's where I picked him up. And let me tell you, I got a great deal on them. I guess part of their old programming is still in their systems, but they do mean well. I hope this shed some light on what happened today and doesn't deter anyone from enjoying our new entertainment facilities. Remember, no one does a pizza like Big Rico. No one. No one.

No one. Listeners, I'm getting reports that the imprisoned teenage girl has been released from the refrigerator and taken into law enforcement custody. She is charged with tagging a bathroom stall in black Sharpie with a heart shape and the initials of herself and her boyfriend. As we all know, this is a very serious offense. Publicly written declarations of love are dangerous and illegal. Writing utensils might have been decriminalized, but you still can't just blatantly use them in public. I guess we all misjudged the table scraps. We should have never run screaming from their shrieking maws, their undulating appendages, or weaponized musical instruments.

They were only trying to keep us safe, after all. Be sure to catch them down at Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone, whenever it opens. up again. I imagine they'll be closed for repairs for at least another few life cycles of an insect, as they say. Stay tuned for a one-hour interrupted rock block of boulders plummeting down a mountainside. Tune out before they get too close. Good night. Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner. produced by Dysperition. The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Loveland. The voice of

Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dyspiration. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was On a Journey by Teresa Ombatt. Find out more at Teresaambot.bantampt.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at Welcome to Nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightbale Radio and Instagram at Nightvail Official. And also check out Welcome to Nightvail.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list and info about our shop where we sell a carefully selected group of items made by artists we trust. Stuff is always coming and going. So see what we have now before it's gone. Today's proverb, He who laughs last, laughs latest.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.