Welcome to Night Vale - 226 - Creditors

Episode Date: April 15, 2023

Payments are long overdue. Weather: “Crawling Home When the Morning Comes“ by Sweet and Lonely Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our new podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! 2023 US TOUR DATES for “The Haunting of Night Vale” Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about

every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Okay, happy spring to everyone and hey, thanks. Ignorance is bliss. Confusion is euphoria. Indecision is enthralling. Welcome to Night Vale.

There's a lot of news out there, Nightvale. So much important news to tell you about. And I'd love to get to it all right now. But I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm so overwhelmed with work. Not the journalism part of work, but the management part of work. My predecessor at this job and my mentor, Leonard Burton used to say to me, Cecil? Only 10% of being a radio personality is being a radio personality. The other 90% is administration, and that's really good advice.

Of course, Leonard used to say other things, like the only way to recover from a head cold is vampire blood, and you want to get rich, then start selling these vitamin supplements to your friends. But Leonard seems correct about that 10% thing. My workdays have been filled with interviewing people for stories, having show meetings with producers, or sitting through some all-staffed seminars, about how werewolves work, but since station management left us a few weeks back, rest in power, you terrifying monstrosity, I've been swamped with bills, tax forms, employee reviews, and calling our contractor several times a day to repair the foundation of our building.

This contractor quoted us one week and $8,000. Well, it's been two weeks, and it's cost us $12,000, and they haven't even shown up yet. My brother-in-law Steve says that's pretty normal. In fact, Steve says that no contractor has ever done any work anywhere. It's part of the contractor ethos. And if one of them ever actually completes a job, they're blacklisted from going to any future contractor outings like Six Flags, family barbecues, or Jenga Night at Rachel's.

So you can see I'm really. struggling to keep up now that I'm station manager. I'm hoping to hire someone new, but even writing a want ad and interviewing people is too much to take on right now. Oh, and above it all, the entire sales team, who were all named Sean, have been grumbling for a better break room. I mean, the Sean's all work very hard, and they would like to be able to eat lunch here in the office rather than have to go out every day.

Well, that made sense to me, and I thought, if they want to eat food at work, then I just buy food for them. Healthy employees are happy employees, and happy employees are productive employees. Leonard Burton used to say that. He also used to say that room temperature scallops are the healthiest food one could eat. So, I put those two bits of knowledge together, and I found a discount scallop outlet based in Pierre, South Dakota. I was able to order in bulk and have them mailed to the radio station. I even saved money on shipping by having them sent via ground delivery. The discount Scallop outlet strongly recommended next day air,

but I'm about saving money these days and the scallops finally arrived yesterday evening. I thought the Shahn's would be thrilled. But it's been nothing but complaining all day today. Cecil, there are 18 cases of scallops, and the fridge is broken, they said. Also, Sean Thompson is allergic to shellfish. They whined. Also, Netflix canceled the OA four years ago and we're still mad about it.

They moaned. Oh, God. It's been so hard being the station manager. But enough complaining. I'm here to do news and that's what I'll do now. Let's have a look at the community calendar. This Tuesday night, the Nightvale PTA is holding a bake sale to raise money for a new blood-space war. The old one was fun for all the kids, so it makes sense to find another one.

Plus, wars are super profitable, said the new PTA president, Marsha Molinaro. And we'd like to, you know, make money from the machinery of death? Also, we'd like a new swing set for the elementary school playground, Molinaro added. The Nightville PTA further announced that in order to honor townwide solidarity, no one from the University of What It Is is welcome at the bake sale. They may not bring baked goods, nor attend the event itself. Good for you, PTA. Let's freeze those awful people out.

Wednesday night, the Nightville Community Theater is holding auditions for Harold Pinter's betrayal, which is a play about a group of university scientists who find themselves in over their heads when they visit a small town that does not like them. Not at all. Pinter is one of my favorite playwrights. His style was dubbed Theater of Menace because of the tense threat of violence on every line. His best known plays are betrayal, the Dumbwaiter, Will Rogers Follies, and the Lion King. All auditionees must bring two monologues, Bear Spray, and Epitian. and proof that they are not employees of the University of what it is.

Finally, this Saturday afternoon is the annual Knitting Festival at the Fairgrounds. There will be booths filled with knitting supplies, yarn, lamb, viscera, and spiders. Knitting experts from all across the world will gather this weekend to fight it out in a classic battle royale. It's Buckwild, that knitting festival. Organizers added that employees of the University of what it is are not allowed to touch the yarn, purchase needles, or drink from the Mezcal Fountain. This has been the Community Calendar. Listeners, I'm getting several calls from creditors demanding overdue payments from the radio station.

Apparently, station management had not been paying the mortgage, taxes, or utility bills. I'm not sure how this station has remained afloat for so many decades. Well, actually, I do. Station management saved money by not paying bills because they knew no one would ever come looking for repayment. Station management was such a terrifying entity. Who would dare ask them for money? But now that station management is gone,

these creditors see their chance to finally claim what is theirs. I'm getting calls from raspy-voiced men saying things like, nice radio station you got there, pal. Be a shame if anything happened to it. A real shame. I'd be sad for years about that. I'm crying right now, just thinking about something happening to your nice radio station. Okay, I gotta call my therapist. Please pay us so we don't have to blow your station up. And I'm scared, Nightvale. I don't even have the bank account information for the station. And even if I did, dare I hope that there's money in it? I don't know what to do. Maybe. Maybe I can explain to the creditors what happened to station management and they'll give me an extra 60 days out of pity. Meanwhile, I still have to try

to manage the radio station staff and the shawns and sales are still irate about their lack of a refrigerator. It seems that the huge cases of scallops I ordered did not come in ice-packed containers. I remember that cost a lot more and I was just trying to save money. The shawns are running around screaming, our scallops are failing. We cannot let the bivalves down. Okay, all right, calm down, boys. And now a public service announcement. My fellow Americans, today's political climate is rife with false claims from non-governmental organizations claiming to serve you, claiming to look out for the common citizen. But are they? Are they really?

No, no they are not. But we are? Who are we? That's right. We are the Council for Water. We're an independent governmental entity whose only interest is spreading the word of water. Yes, you heard that right. Water.

Some other councils are promoting food. Food is the best thing you can eat, these councils say. That's bunk, we say. Ask yourself, fellow freedom lover, how could food be vital to survival when water is vital to survival? It can't be both, can it? No, no, it cannot. The consumption of water is imperative to live. Studies show that those who do not consume water are all dead, possibly as a result of not drinking water.

Now ask yourself, if you can die from not drinking water, then how is it possible to die from not eating food? They're not feeding you food, folks. They're feeding you lies. The Council for Water promotes the drinking of water, whether it's spring, tap, or sparkling. We discourage people from drinking non-water, things like yellow mustard, gasoline, and seawater. Despite its name, seawater is not actually water. Wait! Stop right now, Harrison Kip! Were you about to drink that plastic bottle of hardwood floor? cleaner that you bought at bed bath and beyond? Don't do it, Mr. Kipp. Hardwood floor spray is not water.

Drink some freshly boiled Dasani instead. Always boil your Desani water. Good work. Now you must have many questions for the Council of Water. Let's answer them all. Is snow water? Yes, in the same way that ice cream is pudding. Can I give my children water? Yes, people of all ages should drink water. Is pee water? Mostly, mostly yes, but also, no. But, you know, listen, we'll get back to you on that one. So, get to drinking your water today, Night Vale.

Do not listen to anyone who tells you that food is vital. They are foolhardy bozos. It's clear that water is what is true. truly important. Water. It's better than good. It's freaking good. This message has been brought to you by the Council for Water. Okay, so I went digging through station management's office looking for anything that could help get these creditors off my back. I was trying to find bank account information, envelopes filled with petty cash, or just straight up gold ingots, anything. But I found only piles of dusty folders filled with blank papers.

I'm starting to panic, listeners. This radio station is all I have. It's all this town has in terms of radio, and if the creditors come to take it all away, I don't know what I'll do. Oh, thanks, Cecil, think. If you were a pile of cash, where would you be? Oh, God, I can't even think straight.

Because the shots have started throwing rotting scallops at each other in the sales office. Employee morale is collapsing. How do I regain their trust? I know they want a refrigerator for their scallops, but I don't even have money to pay next month's electric bill. Maybe if the sales office could concentrate on their job of selling ads, we could get ourselves out of this mess. Let's just do the news.

And now sports. In baseball, a group of men stood around for three hours. Occasionally they would look up to the firmament as a hard, round object hurtled from the heavens straight at their heads. Sometimes these men would swing wooden clubs and then shout swear words at a man with a cage for a face. Large crowds gathered to watch. These crowds bought expensive foods and sat in silence until they felt the urge to stand up and scream. Sometimes they intoned the word boo, like unimaginative ghosts. But most of the time they sat around.

eating nachos that were given to them by a person whose only job was to walk up and down stairs shouting nachos. There was also someone dressed up like a furry scorpion with big googly eyes. This person sometimes did a funny dance to an 80s hip-hop tune, and as the crowd cheered, the person inside the costume thought about an article they read about warning signs of heatstroke. Later, everyone went home except for the actual ghosts who continued to chant boo in a darkens stadium to no one in particular. This has been sports. Listeners, the creditors have arrived, and they are worse than I could have ever imagined. They all have thick northeastern accents, three-piece suits, and goatheads on human bodies.

I think they also have cloven hooves, but it's hard to tell because of the impeccably tailored slacks and polished black Ted Bakers. They're disgusting beasts, and they're taking everything. They carted off my printer, several phones, and a bunch of desks. They even carried away a couple of shans from sales. We're so overdue on our payments. They're claiming everything is collateral. I just saw one creditor go into the employee bathroom. I swore he was going to take one of the floating cats that lives in there,

but he decided better and took a couple of urinals instead. These creditors are taking our belongings. Yes, but they're also devouring. belongings, two, with their disgusting goat mouths, their chewing up, Ethernet cables, empty soda cans, and the recycling bin, all of the blank files in Station Management's office, one even ate an entire filing cabinet. They're ravenous for recompense. I've sent a company-wide email asking people to stand their ground to stop the creditors from taking away our station, just anything to buy us a little time. And do you think that helped?

It absolutely did not help Because about seven of the shans came into my office demanding a new fridge And while they have a point that the smell of the rotting scallops is permeating every inch of this place Don't they see what's happening here? A new fridge won't matter if the creditors repossess our entire business But the shans just stared at me blankly going So is that a yes? Oh

Listeners, I'm sorry But this might be our final final. broadcast, unless a miracle comes through, and I'm losing hope. I guess my radio career is about to end. God forbid, I have to make another podcast. Oh, so, for what might be the final time, here is the weather. The putrid odor of days old shellfish lingers, but I've never smelled anything so sweet. The creditors attempted to take the cases of scallops from our sales team, But the shans stopped them. The shans were damned if they were going to let any goat-faced collection agents take their two-month supply of seafood lunches away, spoiled or not.

The shans explained that perishables did not count as assets in a collection case, and thus the collectors could not claim them. But the collectors insisted braying at the shans that they were hungry, that the rotten, briny flesh smelled so delicious, they must have it. and the shans, being the incredible salespeople that they are, negotiated a price. They used the leverage of hunger to drive the sale well beyond what the station originally paid for the product. Thank you discount Scallop Outlet and Pierre South Dakota for your unthinkably reasonable prices. They eventually shook hands, but hooves, with the collectors, and used that income to pay down our debts. So the radio station is saved for a couple of months, at least. I can go back to only fretting about my medigorial role instead of panicking.

Using my own money, I have already ordered a new refrigerator for the break room in honor of the Sean's valiant efforts today. Unfortunately, we have no food to put in it. It's a real gift of the magi situation. You know, the famous story about the lady who cuts off all her hair to buy her husband a fridge, and he in turn ate a pocket watch because he lost his fantasy football league. true irony. Stay tuned next for everything that's already happened, but reversed. And as always, good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is the production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Disparition. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disperition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather, was crawling home when the morning comes by Sweet and Lonely. Find out more at sweet and lonely.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio and Instagram at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well. If you like short videos by a fictional radio station. And also check out Welcome to Nightvail.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list and info about our upcoming live shows, which start next week. If you listen to this on release day,

if you listen to this at a different time, then your chronological relationship to the live tour will be different. Today's proverb, love is a many-legged thing with human skin and no eyes. Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called UnleLull. licensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. and if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.