Welcome to Night Vale - 229 - The Accused

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Science is illegal now. Good luck. Weather: “Norman Vember“ by Triston James Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, Do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows.

First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightville needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on a lot. IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks.

Love is a many-legged thing with human skin and no eyes. Welcome to Nightvale. On Monday, the city council led by the chair of the Community Guidelines Committee, Tamika Flynn, unanimously passed Ordinance 8304B, which states that the teaching and practicing of science within the city limits is a crime punishable by a minimum two years imprisonment and $2,000 fine. This law was enacted to stop Dr. Janet Lubel and her research staff from the University of what it is, but it is not doing this at all. It is only creating confusion amongst citizens of Nightvale. All over our city, people are asking, What is science?

Is archaeology science? What about baking? That seems like science. Cars and pills were invented through science, does that mean we cannot drive to work or take our medications? Boxing is called the sweet science? Is it now illegal to punch people? There are more questions than answers. Meanwhile, my husband Carlos, who's now,

without any scientific work to do, has been calling me, constantly because he's so bored at home. He called before my show started just to say that this new ordinance hasn't stopped the university of what it is from practicing science while maliciously skirting the rules. He has said that he's seen Dr. Lubel's henchman, Dr. Blake Jones, all over town, wearing a variety of disguises. Carlos saw him buying coffee at the Spiky Hammer coffee bar, but Dr. Jones was wearing a pasted on beard, a purple wig, and gimmick New Year's Eve glasses in the shape of 2009. Carlos saw him later that morning at Dark Owl Records, but this time with a bald cap, a fake mustache made out of electrician's tape, and a blue velvet chapeau. Carlos described Dr. Jones as nervous and chatty. And this is very shady behavior, and it needs to stop.

Nightvale, it's clear that the University of what it is is coming into town for data gathering, and then conducting the actual science back in their trailer labs just outside of city limits. So if the city council is going to pass such draconian laws, they should at least specify that data gathering is a key part of science and should be illegal. And now an update on former mayor and radio station intern Dana Cardinal. The University of what it is has the body that they believe to be of Dana's double, or of Dana herself.

Either way, Dr. Lubel is determined to learn whether or not a murder was committed. 10 years ago between doppelgangers. We do not know how long this process will take because of the law against studying science. And while we wait, Dana sits alone in a jail cell. I've been going over to her apartment every day to feed her plants and water her fish. Or is it water plants and feed fish?

I forget. Either way. I want to take care of my friend. If it is determined that the body is Dana's double, while she could face life in prison for murder. I mean, maybe even the death penalty, so I'm worried for her. I know Dana says she's fine. She tells me she's so glad to finally confront this horrible moment from her past, and justice, whether guilty or innocent, will be a welcome closure for her. Still, I've offered to help her out by referring her to my own lawyer, Danny Vicaro.

They're the best in the business, I think. I mean, I've never met another lawyer, so it's also possible that they're worst in the business. Either way, they're definitely in the business. And that is enough for me. So if you want to contribute to Dana's legal fund, I placed a cardboard box in front of the radio station. Just drop any loose change you have in there, and I will make sure she gets it. Oh, no coins, please. Only $20 bills or larger.

Vicaro is very expensive. Carlos has called me again. Gosh, he is so antsy without any science to do. He said the mood around town is weird. No one's talking to him, not even looking him in the eye. He can feel everyone's judgment upon him as a scientist, even though he's not doing any science at all. Carlos said he's doing his best to signal to everyone

that he is neither practicing nor teaching science. He's wearing his dare to keep kids off geology shirt. He's also forcing conversations about his lack of scientific curiosity, saying things like, Well, hey there, Tim, good to see you. Not sure what these puffy, dark clouds could mean. Must be some very angry god. Or, hello, Maxine. Don't you think birds must be magic to be able to fly like that?

I sure do, because I've never given any thought to how anything. works. Yet, he's still getting wary stares from his fellow citizens. And Carlos said he's tired of being cooped up at home all day, but you know, maybe he shouldn't be out in public either. Carlos be careful out there. And Night Vale, lighten up. Our scientists have it tough enough as it is. What with all the physics and atomic weights and periodic tables, they don't need to be nervous about getting

arrested at Target. for reading the ingredients on a box of cliff bars? I heard from my niece Janice the other day. She tells me that her friend Josh Creighton is safe and sound. He's been missing for nearly three weeks, and we were all very worried, especially since the University of what it is expressed interest in studying him

for his shape-shifting abilities. But according to Janice, Josh has been in California visiting his best friend, the child of the glow cloud, whose name is, but who as the only glow cloud, which now exists, has been starting to go by the nickname, the glow cloud. Ever since their parents were explained away by the University of what it is, the glow cloud has immersed themselves in their studies at Stanford.

And they haven't been able to come home, not even for their parents' memorial services. It's all been too painful. Worried about his dear friend, Josh headed up to Stanford last month to cheer them up, and to keep them from returning home to Nightvale. Well, Janus, Janus thinks they should both come back because it's important for friends and family to band together in times of great danger. But Josh knows that Dr. Lubel would want nothing more

than to explain away another enormous glowing cloud that drops dead animals and controls humans' minds. So Josh is keeping himself and his dear friend safe. And I think I agree with Josh. I hope they're both okay. Listeners, I want to thank you again for the many kind and generous emails over the past few months. You've expressed sympathy for the management change here at the station. You've supported my many attempts to defend our town from the University of what it is.

Thank you. It has meant so, so much. But the wins have changed, I'm afraid. The past couple of weeks I've been getting critical and sometimes even downright hateful. emails from my listeners. And it all has to do with Carlos. You seem angry that I would protect a known scientist in my home, that I would defend this man on the radio, that I have evaded the fact that Carlos is an alumnus of the University of what it is. Here's one such email from Morris Sanderson, which, you know, just kind of sums up the kind of correspondence I've been receiving. Morris writes, Cecil, I've been a listener since you first. You've first,

first went on the air. Your rant against the passing of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act was one of the finest segments of radio I ever did hear. Thank you, Morris. He continues. But I find you almost unlistnable these days. This is a free country, Cecil. You cannot curtail the freedom of some citizens who wish to curtail the freedom of other citizens. If you curtail our freedom to destroy others' freedoms, then you curtail our freedom. I've spent so many years listening to you while running my blender and now my favorite hobby no longer brings me joy. I once smiled when I filled a jar with spoons and set the knobbed on liquefy. Now I only feel disappointment. You have lost a listener. Well, Morris, and all of Nightville, really. I don't know what to tell you.

I don't protect Carlos because I hate your freedom. I protect Carlos because I love him. He's done nothing, but be part of this town. His history with the university of what it is is simply that. History, he's no more a part of them than you are. Carlos has put down his protractor, set aside his slide rule in solidarity with you, Morris, and with this whole town because he loves it here. And I hope that you can understand that.

I'm sorry, it's Carlos. Let me take this really quick. Carlos, honey, I'm on the... You what? You got arrested? Why? Why were you practicing science in public? Oh, they arrested you at the grocery store for calculating sales tax in your head! How did they know that that's what you were doing? Because you were singing your special little sales tax calculating song.

Oh, Carlos! I was found that song so endearing, but now your cute habits have betrayed you! Yeah, yeah, that totally makes sense. Totally. Calculating sales taxes, math, and math is hardly a science. True. Okay, Carlos, look, I'm coming to bail you out of jail. I'm pretty sure this was a case of the secret police targeting you

and not a good faith effort to rid the streets of Dr. Lubel and her team. So I think we have a legal fight ahead of us. No, I'm sorry, honey. I'll be there soon. Now, I want to say something to you, Nightvale, especially to the sheriff's secret police, Tamika Flynn and the entire city council. Your hysteria about science is misguided.

It's like that old saying, you're cutting off your toes despite your aunt who has always loved your toes. And they're funny looking at the most adorable way and you go and you cut them off, upsetting both you and your aunt. This is a bad law you've created, but it's cultivated and an irrational paranoia

against good people. Good people like Carlos. And I am very angry at you. But I remain most angry at the university of what it is. They are our true enemy, not science. And I'm not sure you still agree, though. Nightbail? Okay, so I'm going to go bail my husband out of jail.

Oh, and I need to water Dana's Fish, too. Unlike our local government, I support my loved ones. So while I go do that, listen to this song. Life is discombed clothes are so bright. It's the sign. The vis-o-win The heavy hypnotic sign I'm always gonna need

In grip on its gravity And I'm Afraid off sweet aimlessly I brought thee. To the jail to bail out Carlos, I stopped by Dana's apartment to take care of her fish and plants. And inside I heard a noise. I ignored it at first, thinking it was just the wind or a mouse. But then I heard it again.

It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. Under the closed door, I could see the shadow of someone's legs moving about inside. And I should have been scared. But my only mood today is for. frustration. So I threw open the door and found a man, wearing aviator sunglasses, bright red lipstick, and an admiral's cap. And I saw right through this flimsy disguise. It was none other than Dr. Blake Jones. I wrestled him to the ground and demanded to know what he was doing in Dana's home. He explained that Dr. Lubel needed Dana's DNA's DNA

to test against the cadaver. And with a ban on science, she couldn't ask the sheriff for a sample, so she sent Dr. Jones to secretly steal some of Dana's hair from a comb or saliva from a toothbrush and bring it back to the lab. I knew it, I declared, as I started to dial the police for his arrest, but Dr. Jones said, wait. And he began to cry, and to apologize.

He no longer wanted to do this. When I burst in, he wasn't stealing anything. He was just using this time away from Dr. Lubel to figure out how to quit, how to escape her maniacal grasp. She would ruin him as she's ruined so many others who have left her service, the way she's trying to ruin Carlos now, not merely by destroying him, but by destroying everything he loves. Dr. Jones said he's come to love Nightvale too, and he regrets his involvement in the explanations of Sarah Sultan and the glow cloud.

He was so sorry about what happened to my station management and vowed to work the rest of his life for forgiveness. He doesn't know if he'll ever regain my trust or anyone's trust, but he wants to help save Nightvale from Dr. Lubel and her vengeance. I paused to take this all in. It was a good speech, a great one even, very well-crafted and rehearsed. I've been fooled before by this man, and I wasn't a good speech. about to let it happen again. So I called Sheriff Sam and had Blake Jones arrested for breaking and entering and for practicing science. Meanwhile, my lawyer, Danny Vakero, did their job to perfection. They completed the paperwork for Carlos' bail, so he'll be back home in time for dinner. But Vicaro also

managed to free Dana Cardinal too. Vakero pointed out that the alleged murder took place on Friday, March 15th, 2013. However, murder was not made illegal in Nightvale until Thursday, August 15th, 2013, five months after the doppelganger incident. According to Vicaro, prior to that date, which is inclusive of the time frame in which the supposed murder took place, murder was perfectly legal within the city limits of Nightville. Sort of like my favorite movie series about all crimes, including murder, being legal for a set amount of time, Vakero said, man, I love those toy stories. So gory. Sheriff Sam knew their only move would be to turn Dana's charges over to state or federal investigators, and they certainly weren't about to do that.

Sam doesn't want Dana to go to jail for breaking federal laws, only for breaking local laws, so the investigation of the body will forever be moot. Dana is a free woman. We were all thrilled by the good news until Dr. Lupel showed up. I saw Dr. Jones, still in handcuffs, hide behind the sheriff as Dr. Lubel stepped in. I thought she was there to bail her cowardly henchmen out, but quite the opposite. I don't care about you. She sneered at Dr. Jones. You can rot here for all I care, traitor.

Then she turned to Sheriff Sam and said, Tell your city council that the university of what it is is here to stay. You've brainwashed not only Carlos, but Blake, too. And I take that personally. You'll be explained to nothing, Nightvale. Explained away until not a trace of this town is left. Outside the police office, I saw a line of trailers. Dozens long.

Full of university of what it is. researchers, labs, equipment, ready to thumb their nose at the law and perform their wicked science in broad daylight. There, there are just too many to arrest, Sheriff Sam whispered in what sounded to this reporter like terror. Dr. Lou Bell shined a bright, sinister smile at the sheriff and a fierce, tight-lipped sneer at Blondeer. Blake Jones. Then she left to join the hundreds of minions clogging the streets with science.

Terrible. Terrible science. Stay tuned next for the sound of halted breaths. Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kramer and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's song was Norman Vember by Tristan James. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com,

or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. And Instagram at Nightbail Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well. if you like short videos by a fictional radio station. And also check out Welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list and info about our Patreon, which now has a free membership level

if you are not able to support the making of the show at the moment. Today's proverb, Take a hike. That's right. Get out of here. Why don't you go fly a kite? Go play at a street. It's a beautiful day, and you deserve to be outside. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you

from spring of 2026 and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is.

is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveal.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe live tour right now at welcome to nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.