Welcome to Night Vale - 232 - A Car Crash on Buellton Avenue

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

There was a car crash on Buellton Avenue, listeners. A bad one. Weather: “One Man's Trash“ by 7th Street Big Band Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts NEW Night Vale live show. Dates/Cities/Tix Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, Do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows.

First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightville needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on a IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. You miss 100% of the shots. Welcome to Nightvale. There was a car

crash on Buellton Avenue, listeners, a bad one, possible injuries, probable injuries even. A A man who has been watering his lawn has laid down the hose and started sprinting toward the crash. His mouth is wide and his lower teeth are more visible than they have ever been outside of the dentist visits, that he doesn't do as regularly as he should, if he's honest with himself. He tries to be honest with himself. He rarely, fully is. A woman who had been one car back from the crash is vibrating. It's the chemicals in her blood.

When she saw the crash, she knew that in a set of circumstances that are terrible, terrifyingly similar to the ones that happened, it would have been her in that wreck, in the twist and the rend of it. Her flesh caught between this and that, split open, smeared. Her teeth chatter as she thinks of it, and she thinks of injuries she doesn't have, consequences she won't have to face. There was a car crash on Beulton Avenue listeners, and it could have been any of us, but it wasn't most of us.

Our lucky day then. More soon, but first, the headlines. An update on the Randy Newman Memorial Nightvale Airport. There was some embarrassment earlier this month when it turned out that after the expensive and high-profile construction of a new terminal, the management of the airport never contracted with any airlines to have flights into or out of Nightvale. Well, this oversight has been corrected. Nightvale Airport CEO, Archie Lavery, is proud to announce that he has made an agreement with Dale Lucero, whose wife Betty coaches the Little League team.

Dale has an old Cessna he likes to take out on weekends when it isn't too cloudy or windy, and he figures that he can get most people pretty much where they want to go on most days if they're a little patient. This old bird don't quite fly like she used to, Dale said, chewing on a straw and leaning on a plane that appeared to have been last painted during the Brando administration. But I reckon she's still got some sky left in her. When asked about international flights, Dale admitted that he hasn't gotten his passport renewed after that trip to Antigua in 95. And so he probably couldn't help anyone with that. And he was obligated to point out that his pilot license was a certificate he printed off a site called

fun pilot props for children ages three to five. But still, he said it should be totally fine and no one should be worried at all. Ain't never killed no one yet, he said with a grin that kept stretching wider and wider as his eyes watered with the strain of his distending face. Triple negative there, boss. How you like that? Dale muttered to the sky. Airport CEO Archie Lavery added, I'm excited about this new arrangement and look forward to you all for you. flying the friendless skies. Dr. Carlos Robles, Dean of the University of What It Is, Central Nightville campus, and father to my child, has been consolidating control of the army of scientists now under his command. He has been doing the usual team-building exercises like Two Truths

and a Lie, Zip-Zaps-Zap-Zop, and mock executions. But still, there are certain leftover resentments and confused thinking from the era overseen by that villain herself, Dr. Janet Lubel. Carlos needs his team to all be on the same, you know, team, because he has great things in store for them. Many of you were worried about how I've been after finding out that Carlos had been stuck in that terrible desert other world for 10 years, rather than the one year that I experienced. And it was tough to know that he hadn't trusted me enough to help him carry that pain. But I understand why love might make someone feel that they need to keep such terrible secrets to themselves, that some secrets are so painful that to share them is itself an act of violence.

But now we can all share the weight of his secret, can show him there is no shame in having received, pain, no guilt in a harrowing past. I love my husband. I do not hold it against him even a little that he could not tell me and I will support him in any way that I know how. In any case, understandably, he wants to know more about this world that held him for a decade of his life, and so he is mustering the considerable forces of the University of what it is to that end. Soon, hopefully, we will know more about the world. that terrible other place. More on science as soon as science continues to occur.

There was a car crash on Buellton Avenue listeners. A real smash-up, glittering debris running down the street. As it happens over two million years ago during a different age of the earth, there was a stream here, clear blue water, and it ran exactly where this trail of glass is now. No one involved in the crash knows that nor any of the witnesses that information wouldn't be helpful to them now. The only information that might be helpful to them is more practical, such as how to staunch bleeding, how to deal with visible bone, both in terms of wound repair and psychological impact. How to retain senses when your body is trying to shut down. This is the information that is needed. History exists right until the present insists.

upon itself, and then past and future fade until the present ceases being an emergency. There was a car crash on Boulton Avenue. There is blood, although I don't know its location or quantity. There is a hand reaching, although I don't know if it is reaching out or in. I will give you more updates as I have them. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by the All You Can Eat Desert buffet, the one off exit four. Don't listen to the haters. Don't believe the reviews.

Don't even trust your own experiences. Just hear us out. Yes, we have been closed three times by the county due to, and I am legally required to quote this in full. Egregious breaches in the health code that goes beyond anything we have ever seen, to the point where we're not so much worried about food poisoning as this restaurant creating an entirely new category of disease. And, quote. And yes, we currently have 2.7 stars on Yelp, with many of the reviewers citing our, quote, intense bummer of an atmosphere, end quote, as their primary complaint, followed by the substandard quality, freshness, and overall safety of our food.

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We're not throwing any of this away until you eat it. This has been a word from our sponsors. There was a car crash on Beulton Avenue, listeners. Something is trying to crawl out of the wreckage. This might have once been someone, but they have been reduced to something, and still they are trying to crawl. A man who had been watering his lawn nearby arrives at the wreckage. He sees what is trying to come out of it, and he is torn between wanting to flee and wanting to help. He decides to help.

In fiction, we assume that humans are cowardly, but in reality, humans are often generous. and brave. We are a self-hating species, and like any self-hater, we are mostly incorrect. The man gets down on his knees. He does his best to help, but he doesn't know how. Nothing has prepared him for this. Nothing has prepared anyone for this. No one spends time learning about the possibility of this,

even though the possibility is always there, always present behind even the quietest, most comfortable moments of our lives. Catastrophe is, after all, only a... catastrophe away. And now for the music charts. Number one with a bullet is, of course, Help me, I'm a time traveler lost in history, and I need to get a message to my superiors in the future

in the form of a hit song by Justin Bieber. I can't stop humming it. Like, okay, I don't have a great ear for melody, but it's something like that. You know the song, you don't need me to tell you. After that, we have a newcomer on our list. Nightfell's own Michelle Wynn with Music Song, a piece she put together using a new-for-her system in which she uses music to compose a song.

When asked about her groundbreaking technique, Michelle said, I thought I was post-music, but then I got bored of listening to Trees Grow and 40-hour white noise compilations, so I became post-post-muse music, and it turns out music, is pretty good. I am glad to have invented it, and please feel free to compliment me about it whenever I am feeling insecure, which is a lot of the time." Michelle concluded. Well, Michelle, personally, I think music is okay, and I'm glad you invented it. Finally, of course, we have Basketcase by Green Day, which has been number three on our charts for over 60 years, long before the band released it.

No matter what we do, it is just right there in the third spot. At least it got a little less confusing for us. After the song came out, this has been the charts. There was a car crash on Buellton Avenue, listeners. A haze in the air that looks like smoke, but it is not smoke. It is finely pulverized glass, and it scatters with even a slight breeze. The hand of something that was once someone reaches out from the, wreckage. The woman, one car back from the crash, exits her vehicle. Her mouth is open,

but she is not making a sound. She doesn't know what sound she could make. Nothing she can do can adequately express her horror at what she has seen. The man on his knees has given up on trying to help the thing that once was human. He looks past the crawling, beuling creature and sees something he does not understand. The interior is twisted around itself, but it's looks as though it goes much deeper than the car once did. If he didn't know any better, the man would think this was a tunnel. In fact, he doesn't know better, and he does think it's a tunnel. He crawls uncertainly forward past the hand that is begging for aid, past the creature that once was human, deep into the wreckage, deeper into the wreckage until the sound of the world fades away

and it grows dark and warm and damp. More on... Well, whatever it is that is happening here. But first, and always, the weather. There was a car crash on Beulton Avenue listeners. The man who had been watering his lawn crawls through the long belly of the wreckage. It is dark and warm and damp, and then as he continues to move, it grows dark and cold and dry. He hears a voice, as though there is a voice.

as though there is someone beside him as he crawls. The voice says, Ah, it's you again. Who is that? asked the man. The voice replies, It's just me again. I don't know who you are, the man says. And then, from directly in front of him,

so close he can feel cold breath on his face, smelling of grass clippings and graveyard dirt, the voice says, don't you? The man howls and tries to scramble backwards. As he does, he finds himself in a hospital hallway. The light through the window at the end of the hall is sunset golden. He turns and cannot find the tunnel he entered through. The man calls out, but no one answers.

This hospital is empty. He walks to the end of the hall, enters a door marked exit, and finds himself at a school. It is 1974, he is 12 years old, and he is late for class. He runs as the bell rings, but it is no use. He is and has always been late. When he finally opens the loud, squeaky door, the teacher shakes her head in disappointment. Find your desk, she says, and that is tricky, because he doesn't remember which one was his desk. There are three that are empty.

He walks toward one and no one calls out in correction, and so he sits down. Good, his teacher says, in a new voice, a voice that is so familiar. Now, let's begin the lesson. And with that, the man is back in the tunnel. But now there is daylight ahead of him, the lulling sound of traffic. He scrambles toward it, afraid that the voice will come out again. With both hands, he grabs the frame of the wreckage and holds himself back out. He finds himself in the seat of a car.

There is a steering wheel in front of him. He glances with confusion in his rear-view mirror and sees the woman one car back singing along to the hit. New song by Michelle Wynne. The song makes her very happy, a respite of a commute in a tedious, busy day, and he smiles at her happiness. Then he looks again to the intersection before him and he starts his left turn. When it happens, it is so quick. He doesn't even know it is happening. He only knows that he is back in the wreckage and that he is no longer someone but something.

He tries to crawl out, but he can only reach out a hand and a familiar man on a nearby front lawn drops his horse. toes and starts running over. There was a car crash on Beulton Avenue. There is a car crash on Beulton Avenue. There will always be a car crash on Beulton Avenue. Stay tuned next for Fall Out Boys' new cover of The Disintegration Loops. Good night, Nightvale. Good night.

Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale, It is written by Joseph Think and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disperition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was One Man's Trash by Seventh Street Big Band. Find out more at 7th Streetbigband.bondcamp.com.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to night. Or follow us on Twitter, I guess, at Nightvale Radio.

And Instagram at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well, if you like short videos by a fictional radio station. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date with us without it being suddenly rebranded into something stupid. You can learn about things like our upcoming brand new live show, the attic, which we are working on right now and it's spooky and cool as hell. Today's proverb, don't judge anyone

until you've walked a mile in their shoes, until you've stolen their shoes and gotten a clean one mile away. Don't judge them. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat. And also the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.