Welcome to Night Vale - 236 - Truck Touchers

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

The last contestant touching the truck wins! Weather: “Hurricane Party“ by Dessa from her new album Bury The Lede This episode was written with Calvin Kasulke. Read his incredible novel here. Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth. You can buy a print of it here. Read episode transcripts NEW Night Vale live show. Dates/Cities/Tix Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

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Do you know what your children are? Welcome to Night Vale. Welcome back, listeners. We're heading into hour 73 of the first annual truck touchers endurance contest and just... You know what I mean? Okay, focus. Focus, Cecil. Forgive me, listeners. I've been broadcasting live from out here at the car lot for the past three days.

And I haven't slept much. Of course, I've taken a few breaks to return home to see my family. and I've managed to catch a little shut-eye here and there, but mostly I've been at the car lot. And I think it's starting to catch up to me. Oh, right, I should explain. If you're just tuning in, one of the many Troy's Walsh who populate our Fair City recently took over management of the car lot, which continues to offer gently used cars at affordable prices, with the reminder that words like gently and affordable are subjective and have no legal definition.

Troy decided a contest would help gin up some more business, and the first annual night fail truck toucher's competition was born. The rules are simple. Each contestant must be standing with at least one hand placed on the truck at all times. Removing your hand from the truck or sitting down at any time disqualifies you from the contest. The last contestant touching the truck wins. And that's all there is to it. Every few hours the contestants get a 15-minute break to rest their feet, use the bathroom,

or make offerings to any demons or unseely with whom they may want to strike a quick Faustian bargain in order to win the truck. And what a truck it is? Probably. I don't know, I'm not really a car guy, but I am sure the lightly used 2005 Buick Anticipator is a fine vehicle. It must be for anyone to still be vying for it after 73-8. hours and counting. Of the 20 people who placed a hand on the Buick Anticipator when the

competition began, only four truck touchers remain. They are Nightvale High School football coach Latrice Beaumont. Go Scorpions. Amber Akinye, an employee at the Diego and Diego and Diego and Diego and Diego funeral home. The University of What It Is Scientist, Dr. Blake Jones, and my beloved brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, who is great. Hi, Steve. Hang in there, buddy. These four have endured more than three days of tedium and exhaustion, propelled only by their determination and clarity of purpose. They use their intermittent breaks to take all too brief naps, or to eat, whatever food their friends and loved ones bring them. Some massage their swollen feet, the more prepared among them swap out their old socks for a fresh pair and steal themselves

for more standing and more truck touching. We're coming to the end of one of these breaks now as our final four return to their places at the truck. Troy Walsh, who is also refereeing the tournament, signals for the contestants to once again place their hands on the Buick Anticipator in three, two. Oh! Oh no. Oh no!

Listeners, Amber O'Kinje is down. She's clutching her hand as though it's been badly burned. The other three are completely fine, but the instant Amber touched the truck, she... Ah, I'm not sure. Well, better luck next year, Amber. While she's being helped to her feet and off to the sidelines, let's take a look at today's top headline. Cactuses are sentient now. Following last week's freak lightning storm, several dozen cacti have been blighted with the curse of

consciousness, and they are organizing about it. The cacti have unionized, and they are demanding legs, legs, legs. Their leader, the tallest, newly sentient saguaro in the scrublands outside of town, has announced that until their demands are met, the united cactuses will refuse to perform any of their vital functions, though they failed to elaborate on what any of those functions are. The Nightville Board of Labor responded in a statement saying they'd be happy to see the cacti's working conditions improved and to begin the process of, quote, rustling up some legs. Melanie Brewster, Board of Labor President, said in a press conference that, actually, I've kind of been hoping for a request like this. This is going to be fun, while holding a bonesaw that was dripping blood. The sun is starting to set behind the scrublands parched horizon, listeners, and the sun is starting to set behind the scrublands parched horizon, listeners.

and there are only three contestants still with us. Scorpions coach Latrice Beaumont, Dr. Blake Jones, and Steve Carlsberg, who I love, though that will in no way impact the objectivity of my reporting. Go Steve. As for the contestants no longer competing for the top prize, let's recap what happened to them. Several participants fainted the instant they made contact with the anticipator, removing their hands as their unconscious forms crumpled to the ground. whereupon they were disqualified.

Trish Hidge appeared to get into a heated argument with the anticipator's left side view mirror around the five-hour mark. Her emphatic gesticulations eventually resulted in her removing both of her hands from the truck, which immediately eliminated Trish from the contest. Harrison Kipp kicked off Hour 27

by uncontrollably humming, which escalated to speaking in tongues and finally screaming in a voice that was not his own. Incidentally, I apologize for the less than ideal sound quality of our broadcast during that time. Harrison walked out into the sand

wastes during the contest's next bathroom break and did not return. Larry Leroy was actually doing pretty well for quite some time. Heading into the second day he seemed like the man to beat, but Larry went home on night too because he said

he didn't want to miss his shows. But enough about the losing. Three potential winners remain and they sure are touching a truck. We'll hear much more from them after a brief traffic report. The roads are congested. They are clogged, not like a stuffy nose, but like a blocked artery. Things are moving along, but just barely and not for much longer. And there's you behind the wheel.

jaw clenched, creeping forward an inch at a time. How much longer will you last like this? How many more minutes of your life are you willing to forfeit, staring into the sharp red glow of a stranger's tail lights? You were never supposed to live like this. Your ancestors never lived like this. Your ancestors were brave, proud, ferocious man things, only recently bipedal, not entirely confident on two legs,

which is why they crouched down on all fours when they spotted the approaching Neanderthals. It's why they hid among the thick foliage of the primordial forest, waiting for the rival species to come closer. Closer, closer. But they never came. The danger passed? As this traffic jam, too, will pass. As you will pass.

and sooner than you think. This has been traffic. Earlier today, or was it yesterday? All kind of running together. Anyway, sometime in the recent past, I asked each of the remaining contestants what winning the lightly used 2005 Buick Anticipator would mean for them.

Why are they putting themselves through this trial of discomfort and dr. Dr. Blake Jones told me that he initially wanted the truck so that he could more easily haul any of the scientific equipment that he might need into the field for research. But since seeing how the anticipator appears to have affected some of the other contestants, he's now interested in studying the truck itself. Dr. Jones hastened to add that he only wants to study the truck, not explain it. Mm-hmm. I'm watching you, Jones. Similarly, Coach Latrice Beaumont explained to me that she needs the truck to help transport athletic equipment for the Nightville Scorpions. Coach Beaumont did have a van until recently, but it was due for an inspection, and she mistakenly dropped it off at the cursed mechanics shop on Wormwood Avenue.

You know, the one that appears on a leap day when there's also a full moon? So she's got a while to wait before she can get her van back, although I should note that they do excellent work. if you're patient enough. While I was interviewing her, Coach Beaumont also mentioned that she was passing the time by listening to the beautiful music emanating from the anticipator. Now, I told her that I didn't hear any music, but she insisted. Surely we were both hearing the lush and the real music coming from the truck.

Again, I explained that I wasn't hearing any music at all, but Coach Beaumont just shrugged and said, Your loss. Moving on. Our last remaining contestant is Steve Carlsberg. He has a new haircut, and it's really working for him. Steve said that he wants the Buick Anticipator because he think trucks are cool, and also, here he apologized for cursing, sick.

Steve has mostly been passing the time reading Naomi Novick's Temerare novels, but he said he's been finding the shadowy figure lurking inside the anticipator distracting. I looked through the passenger side window, but I could see no one in the truck, shadowy or otherwise. Even so, Steve said he was sure something or someone was moving inside. Oh, sorry, one moment. Apologies, listeners. Troy Walsh just walked over to my mobile broadcasting setup, and he has asked me to clarify something. Troy wants me to assure everyone that what Steve Carlsberg is suggesting is impossible because, as he explained,

Buick didn't include a shadowy figure with the Anticipator until the 2011 model. Well, I'm certainly glad that is resolved. Oh, or maybe not. Listen, the truck is moving. Moments ago, it was vibrating, which, you know, fine, normal behavior for a car when it gets bored. But now, it's really shaking. The Buick Anticipator is violently rocking itself. from side to side.

Steve, Dr. Jones, and Coach Beaumont are still somehow maintaining contact with the thrashing anticipator, but it does not look easy. The truck seems to be picking up momentum now. It's heaving to the side, lifting its two left wheels up off the ground, and then, oh, look out, Steve!

And then slamming back down again. The competitors are still clinging to the truck, but now the anticipator is swinging to the other side, and, oh, listeners, Dr. Jones has been thrown. Clear of the truck, Dr. Blake Jones has been disqualified. The anticipator has stopped its heaving. It is still once more. But while it was flailing, I could have sworn I saw something inside.

You know, I'm probably just overtired. Sleep deprivation can play tricks on the mind. And even though the sun has nearly set, it's still pretty warm out here. So that might be a factor too. Could be any number of things, really. More headline news. Several unauthorized headstones have appeared on the grounds of Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery. Prince of Sorrow funeral home director Annette Jacoby says she's certain no one has purchased the grave markers from her,

and there are, to her knowledge, no bodies buried beneath them yet. Which makes sense, because the new headstone, are marked with the birth and death dates of still-living nightbale citizens. So, if you want to know the exact day when you will permanently cease to be, head on down to Rattlesnake Rest and take a peek. But Annette Jacoby warns you, you do still have to buy those grave plots if you want to be buried there. Just because the headstone says when, and in some cases how you die,

doesn't mean you can just have it, Jacoby said. She did, however, offer a discount to any Knightville residents whose gravestones have them marked for death before the end of the month. And that's pretty generous, because there are a lot of you. Darkness has fallen over the car lot, and the competition is not yet decided. Only Steve Carlsberg and Latrice Beaumont remain, palms affixed to the automotive object of their desire. I think it's fair to say that everyone, myself included, is exhausted. Steve has mostly given up on reading, having now moved on to audiobooks.

Every so often, he speaks to an unseen figure inside the Buick saying, Stop that! Or come on! To a presence visible to him alone. He sways on his feet a little. Coach Beaumont, for her part, looks as desiccated as Steve does. You'd think she'd hydrate a little better, being an athletic trainer and all. Though she's obviously fatigued, Latrice seems totally bliss out. Apparently still listening to the music she says is coming from the truck itself.

Now that we're down to the two final contestants, I interviewed both of them, or at least I tried to. Before I could ask Steve my first question, I caught a glimpse of the shadowy figure again, and I kind of, like, bark yelled. Steve said he saw it too, but when I asked Latrice if she'd also seen the same, Spector, the Anticipator, she claimed that she hadn't seen any shadowy figures all day. And even if she had, she continued, and even if the shadowy figure was kind of hot, which it wasn't, because it isn't there, Latrice would be polite and just let the shadowy figure do its thing instead of blabbing about it on the radio. Oh, oh, hang on.

Wait, hang on. Steve is yelling something. He's, oh, he's screaming. And, oh, no, Steve Carlsberg has removed his hand from the truck. He's lost the contest and I'm afraid he might be hurt While I investigate, let's go to the weather Fill the kiddie pool

Up with ProSycle, get the LEDs on need The spectacle gotta beat the one last week Let's get a record if you're trying to be a go-getter You gotta go and get it Desperate times Call for desperate pleasures Some legitimate headlines Most they cries for attention

The camera speeds Copy ready to read ought to be a good night. Well, I'd in three, two, fuck, man, bust it on a hot point. Because it's a hurricane, a hurricane party, end days every other Wednesday. Live girls dance, dead men float.

A hurricane party. Gold dust, checks and the party. DJ says don't hold back because the water won't. Looks like someone leaked the password. Too much tea to clean a great disaster. Campaign manager comes, walks it backwards, but he's the one who tip TV.

Lever bastard shots fired in the echo chamber Rick a ricochet. The other side puts kids in danger. Don't matter what they're arguing, that's what they always say. In front of the parade, girls spins a baton. Dan lead it conducts with a corn in the car. The new sound gets everybody out on their lawn composed for French horn, cash register miles.

Because it's a hurricane, a hurricane party end age every other Wednesday. Live girls stay and float. Go done sex and party. DJ says don't hold bad because the Broke the chain letter. Too much bad luck to try to get away with it. One more plague.

Nobody goes to recess. Chat bots away. Take out your paper pieces. Longhead. Give me an essay on the living conditions and I was written by the straw man. Housing shut up. Looking for a soft land door that comes to.

Couldn't give a goddamn. Looking for a few recruits to do what must be done. So if you got the heart and a pair of good boots, meet me at the Food Court by 40. It's a hurricane, hurricane party. End days. Every other Wednesday. Live girls dance

Dead men float A hurricane party Gold dust shakes and party DJs just don't hold back Because Welcome back listeners The good news is that Steve Carlsberg is fine

He wasn't hurt The Buick didn't do anything to him When I ran over and asked him What had happened He said that the shadowy figure winked at him Is that all? I asked It just winked at you?

And Steve said yes, protesting that winking is the creepiest thing anyone can do, and I can't say that I disagree with him. But this does mean that Coach Latrice Beaumont is the victor of the first annual truck touchers competition and winner of the lightly used 2005 Buick Anticipator. The final participants, and those few spectators still remaining, have gathered around the truck to watch car lot manager Troy Walsh present Coach Beaumont with the key. It looks like Latrice is going to take it for a test drive. Huh. Um, Latrice has opened up the driver's side door and is now completely enveloped in shadow. I wonder if that comes standard.

The entire anticipator is shrouded in a dense haze. It's, uh, it's impossible to see Latrice or the truck or, it's anything now. Um, I'm not sure if the car lots floodlights have gone out or if the fog has blanketed everything? Oh, okay, okay. Wait, it was the lights. They're back on now. And the anticipator's right there. And Latrice is sitting inside of it. She's seated on the passenger side, though. The shadowy figure is in the driver's seat. I can definitely see him now, and so apparently can

everyone else. Steve is yelling something that might be, I told you so, or might be, please never wink at anyone ever, but it's impossible to hear him over the revving of the anticipators engine and... There it goes. The truck. The object of this entire contest is gone. It took off into the sand wastes,

into the night. From my vantage, into the passenger side window, I could see Latrice screaming, but whether in terror or exaltation, I cannot say. Well, the first annual truck touchers contest has been a huge success. Don't forget to come on down to the car lot for all of your automotive needs.

Stay tuned next for a long, lingering after, the epilogue that is the rest of our lives. Good night. Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. Today's episode was written by Calvin Kasulki with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer. We recommend checking out Calvin's excellent novel, several people are typing. This episode was produced by Dysperition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at disperition. Bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Hurricane Party by Dessa from her brand new album, Barry the Lead, which is out now. Find out more at Dessa Wander.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter, if that still exists by the time in this episode. episode comes out at Nightvale Radio. And on Instagram at Nightvale Official, we now have a

TikTok at Nightvale official as well. So, you know, do that. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvail.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. You can learn about things like our brand new live show, the attic, which is on tour right now, and then again in November, January, and April. Today's proverb, you laugh because I'm different. I laugh because this episode of Frazier is hilarious. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes story. Good Morning Night Vale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.