Welcome to Night Vale - 237 - Frown Night

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

It’s the scariest night of the year, when we are allowed to turn our smiles upside down. Weather: “Summer School“ by Erin McKeown The voice of Kevin is Kevin R. Free. The voice of Lauren is Lauren Sharpe. Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts NEW Night Vale live show. Dates/Cities/Tix Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Desert Bluffs Logo: Sarah Melville Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026, and I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony

talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have random horror number nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Tonight is the magical night where we light a squash on fire and lie to people about who we are.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2. Happy frown night, Desert Bluffs 2. The scariest night of the year, when we are allowed to turn our smiles upside down. Now, usually for these special holiday shows, I have my friend, Lauren Mallard, joining me. But I haven't seen her for years. Ever since her mismanagement of the Mudstone Abyss Construction Project, which was the same night she was deposed as mayor, I miss Lauren. Well, guess it'll just be me today.

And honestly, it's nice to be able to talk about this special day all by myself. Hi, Kevin. Oh, smiling God! Oh, Lauren! I didn't even hear you come in. How you been, pal? It's been too long. Fine. Um, and you look great.

As always, you always look great. You're glowing, literally. There's light radiating from your head. Oh, that's because I got a new job. I'm now High Priestess of the joyous congregation of the Smiling God. Did you go to school to become? Priesthood is bestowed upon the chosen, Kevin. The Smiling God spoke, and I'm the High Priestess now.

Congratulations. I'm speechless, Lord. I mean, Madam High Priestess. We're old friends. Call me Mother Lauren. Welcome to my show, Mother Lauren. Our show. We do the show together.

It's a holiday special after all. And I want to wish you and all our listeners a very happy frown night. Of course. And it looks like you've already painted on your frown, Mother Lauren. You must be very excited. for this day. Seems like you've forgotten, Kevin. That's just how my face looks now,

after what the angry mob did to me. After I was removed from my position as mayor of Desert Bluffs, too, which only happened because you didn't like the work I was doing on the mudstone abyss. So I have a tattooed frown all the time. Everywhere I go, I have to tell people no. Look at my actual lips, my actual teeth. I am smiling. I am.

I am. Please. Believe me. And they do because I am in the high priestess of the joyous congregation of the smiling God, and they weep when they see my eyes. The smiling God must have chosen me because I have suffered so greatly. Only those who have been to the bottom can rise to the top, and only those who understand suffering may righteously demand suffering. So no, this isn't makeup. It's permanent. It's what my face looks like after all that. It seems maybe you've forgotten. Of course, the frown isn't my real mouth, see? I'm smiling with my actual lips and teeth.

Look, you're not looking. I'm opening my mouth to you and you're closing your eyes, Kevin. Look at these teeth and tell me I'm not happy. You're very happy, Mother Lauren. Thank you for sharing your pleasure with me. Great. Let's talk about frown night, Kevin, old friend. Are you dressing up for the occasion?

Of course. As a child, I loved dressing up for Frown Knight. The costumes are my favorite part. One year, I dressed up as the concept of ennui. Everyone was so frightened when they saw me. Another year, I went as an elderly divorcee. And this year, I'm going as Daniel Day Lewis. Oh, that's a good one. But I do wish he'd smile more.

What about you? I have a standard headdress made of pig's teeth that I have to wear for all religious holidays, plus the golden robe that covers my entire body, so no costumes for me anymore. But a few years ago, I had a great outfit for Frown Night. I went as massive corporate layoffs. Everyone was so upset. My favorite part of Frown Night isn't just the costumes, though. It's going door-to-door trying to make other people frown.

If you succeed, they give you candy, and if you don't, they give you something that looks exactly like candy, sealed up, in official-looking candy wrappers to the point where it looks like real candy, but it's actually fish. Oh, who doesn't love going door-to-door and shouting, sob or cod? With your shoulders slumped, eyes downturned, it's every kid's favorite night of the year. I remember as a child, when frown night ended, I'd take my bag of loot and sit on the highest level of the lighthouse.

Oh, the one at the top of the mountain? Of course that one. Where else would you put a lighthouse, Lauren? I was thinking it might be the lighthouse in Dust Valley next to the abandoned submarine. Or the one in the frozen food section at Vons? No, never those. I liked the one on top of the mountain the best because the light still works and under the spinning lamp I would open my bag,

carefully pulling out each piece of candy. Snickers, Reese's, Manashevitz, Pepp Boys' generic store brand. All the classics. And then I would smell each one, making sure it wasn't warm, uncooked halibate, or tilapia. Ooh, tilapia was the worst, always. There was an old lady on my street who made giant popcorn balls out of tilapia and canned hominy. Oh, they look so delicious, but if you bit into them without smelling first, you'd have stomach pains for weeks. It's all part of the spirit of frown night.

Sure is. In fact, shall we tell the story of frown night? We shall. Many years ago, in a small desert town, there lived the Schlecht family. There was Mr. Schlecht, Mrs. Schlecht, sister Schlect, brother Schlect, and even their dog, who was a Basset hound named Molo. They were very, very mean, and they went around making everyone else very, very unhappy. The Schlecht's did not smile.

The Schlecks believed only in smiling when they felt happy with. which was not all the time. Not all the time. That's a long way to say never, Lauren. You always have such good grammar tips, Kevin. Nothing makes me happier than hearing about errors in my speech. The best way to improve oneself is to hear about your imperfections from others. Not only did the Schlecht's refuse to smile all the time.

They did other horrendous things, like refusing to hold the door for other people, even though those people were within 400 yards of the entrance. One day, while visiting a bakery, a place with nothing to offer but happiness, Mr. Schlecht ordered a strawberry tart. But when the tart came, he said, I'm sorry, this is a banana fudgecicle, and that's not what I ordered. How rude, he didn't. He did.

And when they brought him the strawberry tart, you know what he said? He didn't say, praise the smiling God, and may happiness swallow you whole? No. Mr. Schlecht said nothing. He just nodded and left. No smile. No fealty to our blessed devourer. Ooh, this is such a scary story. I love it. But let's talk now about tonight's costume contest at the rec center. Before you go out tonight's sob or codding, friends, make sure you stop by the rec center at six p.m. and show off your scariest frown. It's the one night a year where all frowns are legal, and you can even win prizes. First place gets dental surgery. It's not free, but it's mandatory, which is pretty much the same thing. Second place gets driven out into the desert and left there. Third place

gets shunned, but don't worry, I'm sure you can do better than third place. Okay, let's get back to our story about the Schlecht family. And I want to add that the smiling God loves all its children, no matter what, unless you're shunned. If your community doesn't want you, the smiling God doesn't either. So make sure you get one of the top two spots in the costume contest. And now, back to the story of Frown Knight. One day, Mrs. Schlecht told her, Lauren, um, mother, Lauren, where did you go? I'm here. I can't see you. Your chair is empty, but I hear your voice.

I'm with you. I'm always with you, my child. Continue with your story. You have my blessing. Thank you for your blessing. But also it's my radio show, so I'll continue either way. Of course. Free will does seem real, doesn't it?

So... One sunny day, Mrs. Schleck saw her neighbor, Ms. Velice, outside on her lawn. Ms. Felice said, smiles upon you, Mrs. Schleck. How are you on this happy day? And Mrs. Schleck said, You know, Tina, it's been hard.

Jonathan and the kids and I don't feel like we fit in. Everyone is always so happy. Everyone is always smiling. And sometimes we feel lonely and unfulfilled because we do not feel happy every second of every day. As Mrs. Schlecht finished saying this, Ms. Felice clasped her hands to her mouth to cover her shock. It's only polite, of course, to cover your mouth when you're not smiling.

Meanwhile, sister and brother Schlecht were playing a baseball game with some of their classmates at the park. Brother Schlecht was hit in the head by a fly ball, and he began to cry. His older sister ran to him and held him. She wept, too, knowing that he felt such pain. The other players stared in disbelief at such a vulgar display of sadness. And they ran home to tell their parents who told their friends. Soon, everyone in town was terrified about what to do about this very sad family. As the prophet Rick O'Malley once said, cheer up, y'all.

You're back! I've been here the whole time, Kevin. But you... But you... Don't be silly. I'm everywhere now. It's my job. Sometimes I'm not visiting. visible, but I can see all and do all. As high priestess, I must be the eyes and ears of the smiling

God. It demands that I report back to it what everyone is doing and thinking and feeling. So you keep a, what, a spreadsheet of people who do bad things and good things? No, that's the holy accountant's job, Kevin. I'm the high priestess. I'm a much higher pay grade than a bookkeeper. Mind. Can I ask, not even a hint as to how the smiling God sees a me? I'm only allowed to tell people happy news, and if I told you with a smiling God really thinks of you, you'd become sad, and the smiling God does not like it when you're sad, so, no, finish your story, Kevin. The schlitz were making the entire town sad, and no one knew what to do about it. You know, when I think someone is feeling sad, I won't talk to them again

for months, maybe years. It's important to give people's space. Isn't that what you do, Kevin? It does sound like an emotionally mature response. One day, the Schlects went too far. They were feeling so lost and confused that they decided to hire a family therapist. Oh, that sounds like a good idea. No, not shock therapy, talk therapy. No! Yes!

Kevin, talk therapists just let you feel your sadness. Get in touch with it. That's a mortal sin. Talk therapy was illegal in town and still is to this day. In fact, all mental health services are illegal because you shouldn't be allowed to charge someone money to help them feel better when smiles are naturally free. Amen! Unbeknownst to the Schlecht's, their family therapist was actually an undercover officer. It was part of a sting.

And the entire Schlecht family was arrested. Even the Basset hound, Malo. And they learned their lesson. and began to smile all the time because prison is the only way to reform criminal behavior. 99% of the time, yes, but not in this case. The Schlecht's grew even sadder in jail. Even from behind stone walls and metal bars, the whole town could feel them frowning. It was unbearable, and they knew they had to do something.

More on this spooky frown night story. but first, the weather. But he brought me to church, laid out like a girl on my mother's couch. The whole world stepped on that jewels that we learned, diverged from our life. After work on the town we kissed, as the sun got low. When the light was all gone And the square emptied out Reached for my hand

And put it under your blouse I skipped a beat When you open my On that Jew And I prayed for the 17 years of light At dawn, forget On that July

July night We kept singing How loud as we could We kept singing For a lot We sing for ourselves We sing for We sing for us

Listeners Lauren's gone again Still here Just because you can't see me Doesn't mean I can't see you Kevin I take it back Lauren's always here Mother Lauren, please

And finish your story child Mother Lauren, yes. So the town knew they had to help the Schlecks, and they rallied together like any good community would when one of their flock was suffering. The whole town showed up at the jail one night, and they broke in and fed the Schlecht's candy. Candy always makes people happy.

And it worked. But 30 minutes later, the Schlecks were sad again, complaining about something they called a sugar crash. I don't know that. that phrase. It sounds Latin. Were the Schlecks trying to chant a curse on the town? The candy having failed, the town hired the famous clown Paliachi to entertain the Schlecks. It would be hard not to feel joy and peace when a clown visits you unexpectedly in a locked room. But the Schlects only screamed in horror at Paliachi's famous routine where he stands motionless at the

end of a long, darkened corridor. Oh, goodness, that's adorable. It is. But for some reason it caused the Schlecks to shiver in fright. At this point, the town had only one plan left. They grabbed the Schlecks and pinned them down. Using house keys and fingernail clippers and whatever else they could find in their homes, the whole town carved smiles into the Schlecht's faces.

But this failed too, as the Schlecks wailed and moaned about the pain. Of course they did. They were all out of ideas. But then they remembered the lessons of their divine devourer, the smiling God. The word is the truth. They carried the Schlecks to the river of joy and baptized each one of them by pushing their faces into the rushing muddy sludge of the water. And it was a success.

The Schlecht's were no longer frowning. Praise to the beast with a thousand legs and a thousand and one teeth. Yes. Mr. Schlecht, Mrs. Schlecht, Sister Schlect, and even the Basset-Hound Mallow, each sank deeper and deeper into the thick river until they were all gone. Their souls were delivered down into the fiery depths of love and compassion. Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy. And every year on this night, what we now call frown night,

we paint our faces with frowns and dare each other to make us sad. And if we fail, we're given fish flesh in candy wrappers. It's important that we face our greatest fear. And that is sadness. And it's important that we face our pasts too. The story of the Schlecks is not always a happy one, but we must make amends for the wrongs of his. Of course. Because to ignore our past is to destroy our future. I hope you don't have anything in your past that you've not atoned for, Kevin. No, I'm good. Of course you are. Well, I'm going to wear my tattooed frown to the costume contest now. It's not a tattoo I ever wanted for myself, and it was certainly not a punishment that I deserved, but yet, like all things in earth and sky, it makes me very

very, very happy. May your future be all smiles, my child. And with that, she's gone. Still here. Still everywhere. Stay tuned next for a hissing crowd celebrating a third place finish. And as always, until next time, Desert Bluffs 2. Until next time.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2 is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Feeves. and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Lauren is Lauren Sharp. The voice of Kevin is Kevin R. Free. Original music by Dysperition and Joseph Fink. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com and Josephfink. combe.com.

This episode's weather was Summer School by Aaron McKeown. Find more, including her podcast, Facts of Life, from which this song came, at the link in our show notes. comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter, I guess, at Nightvelle Radio, and on Instagram at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok and a Tumblr as well, both at Nightvale Official. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

You can learn about things like our brand new live show, The Attic, touring throughout the rest of the year and in 2024. for. Today's proverb, it turns out that you don't have to wait into Halloween. Any night of the year you can knock on a stranger's door and demand a treat under the threat of a trick. They just won't react well at all. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Nightvale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow try hosts Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning Nightvale,

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