Welcome to Night Vale - 239 - Sister Cities: Vermillion Falls

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Come on down to Vermillion Falls. Weather: “A Ragged Sayonara“ by The Bipeds The voice of Vermillion Falls is TD Mischke Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts NEW Night Vale live show. Dates/Cities/Tix Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. A friendly Midwestern community where the wind is crisp, the waters are clear, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we wave and say, hello. Come on to.

down to Vermillion Falls. Well, it's as good a day as ever here in our peaceful town, and a very special day for a different town far away from here. Now, many of us in our quiet Midwestern Hamlet don't know this, but we have a sister's city out in the far desert reaches of our country, a town called Night Vale. It seems that Night Vale shares with Vermillion Falls certain particularities, and as such, Our city council has a friendly relationship with their city council. As a token of that friendship, today was established as a day to swap our community radio signals.

So at this very moment, Night Vale's radio host is speaking to the rolling hills and crystal waters of Vermillion Falls. And I, Frank Luna, am broadcasting to the hot blacktop and water-efficient landscaping of Night Vale. Will hello new listeners? If it's okay with you, I'm just going to continue to broadcast as I normally do. It would give me something of a stage fright to craft my show for a new audience, and there are so many local matters for me to get to.

Today in the news, the man who comes out of the lake has come out of the lake. He's wearing a gray suit and a blue tie. He has gray eyes and a blue mouth. He has gray hair and blue hands. He speaks in a gray voice and utters blue words. We're not sure what the man who comes out of the lake wants Or why he comes out of the lake to lurk around our town But we know that he's dangerous

We know that he wants something from us that we cannot give him If you see the man who comes out of the lake I advise that you avoid him Do not look at his gray fingers or his blue fingernails Do not acknowledge his gray bag or the blue bucket contains Do not worry what gray words he writes in that sharp blue ink. The man who comes out of the lake is back, dear listeners. Run if you see them.

That's my best advice. Now, I can't believe I have to say this, but I do have to remind our listeners to not pet or feed the wolfmen in the woods. The wolfmen in the woods are dangerous wild creatures sometimes. Sometimes there are neighbors, wearing polo shirts and driving Chevy volts. But on certain nights of the year,

they are wild creatures, and they stalk their territories. It can be quite dangerous to leave food out for them or to try to stroke their soft, fluffy ears. Sure, it's tempting to chase after their crooning voices and their pitter-pattering feet, but a full-grown wolfman is no joke. That might be Dale from the hardware store during the day,

but right now it's a seven-foot-tall creature built of muscle and hunger. And it can tear you in two as fast as you can say two eggs, two kegs, now that's what I call breakfast. Please, try to have some sense out there. For those of you who might not know our town, as well as I do, if, for instance, you're listening to me from some distant place, low on precipitation and high on tumbleweeds, let me give you a little tour. I won't get too exact for privacy reasons, but I can give you the general lay of the land. Vermillion Falls lies three miles east of its namesake, which is really more of a dribble where Norman's Creek spits out down five feet of tumbling rocks. The local children like to swim in

the little pool that forms at the base of the falls, and we let them, since only a few disappear into the deep blue of the bottom, and of those usually one or two return, with stories of a mirror version of our town, where everyone speaks backwards, and the tastes of sweet and sour are reversed. We have many fine shops and restaurants, such as the Starlight Early Evening Diner, the Morton and Stepson Department Store, and the Denny's. The neighborhoods range from our little urban center around Main Street to the old rural areas of farmer's sorrow and the angry acres, to the newer suburban development, like the Royal Willows and the very prestigious gated community of King Charles' secret son. To the west is the friendly neighboring town of Braxton, which is home to one guy named

Braxton, but he's super nice. He runs the Braxton Bed and Breakfast, and the Braxton Bank, and he's mayor of Braxton, and he's also the town rabble-rouser. To the east is the lake. And the less said about that, the better. We all turn our eyes away from the lake, and low, mournfully, when we're reminded it's there. To the south are the butter farms, and to the north is Minneapolis, which is about 10 miles away. We're right next to Burnsville, sort of near the Buffalo Tap and Grill. Coordinates are 44.753 by minus 93.3.29. Well, that's enough. I don't want to give away too.

many specifics. Can't have anyone trying to find us. Okay, I thought I was clear about this, but I'll have to say it even more plainly. George North. George, if you keep trying to pet the wolfmen in the woods, you are going to get bitten. And come next full moon, you will also be a wolf man in the woods. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to you. So what? Get pursuits, grow a few extra teeth. Who hasn't, at one point or another? But here's the deal, George. Maybe your neighbor Otto is already a wolfman, and good for him. Maybe your upstairs tenant, Hilda, is also a wolfman.

Wolfman, by the way, is the gender-neutral term from the German Wolfmanusin, which is a type of bread eaten in the mornings. The etymology is a little unclear. Maybe everyone down at the office, Linda, Rashid, Howard, Sahar, Maybe they're all wolfmen. But a wolfman's life is short and brutal. It's all about the rending and the ripping, the blood and the viscera. It is no kind of life for a civilized person.

And George, you like to think of yourself as a civilized person. You just don't have it in you to be a wolfman. You don't have the guts or the constitution. Leave wolfmaning to the wolfmen. And for gosh sakes, George, stop trying to pet them. I don't want to have to say this again. There's a sale at the coach warehouse, the one on Truck Highway 93.

All coaches are 50% off. Now, you may think I'm reading that copy incorrectly, and it would be an easy mistake to make. Who can remember which spelling means the place to sit or which one means the stern eye of authority over a team? But no, this is not the couch warehouse. It's the coach warehouse. And what they sell are people in track suits

and once-promising careers, people with whistles and uncombed hair, people with hoarse voices, thick fingers, bad knees, dirty glasses. It's an entire warehouse of these people, with old cars and new houses, with loud voices and quiet thoughts. And this weekend they're all 50% off. Now they cost just as much, but half their bodies are missing. Where did the other halves go? The coach warehouse isn't really sure. The coach warehouse is not really an expert in anything other than delivering the most middling quality people for the lowest possible

prices. If you have any idea what happened to the rest of the coach's bodies, please do let the warehouse know. They are curious. And now for the community calendar. On Monday we're having a little bonfire celebration at the Cub Foods, over in the dry snacks

and nuts aisle. We'll be piling that wood high, singing old camp songs, and burning as long as we can till the market's automatic sprinklers kick in and soak us all. So don't be late. Tuesday, Olive Newman will be leading a nature walk. Kids these days don't even think about nature. Olive told me this morning, as she was hanging from my kitchen ceiling like a bat, all they ever do is look at cell phones and become Democrats, she said, and I'm here to show them a little of the glory of nature, and if that don't fix them, well, I don't know what will.

The rules of nature walk are simple. You must keep walking above four miles per hour. If you drop below that speed, you'll be given a warning. Accrue three warnings, and there will be a consequence. So get out there and explore nature. Now, Wednesday isn't happening, and you know why. And you ought to be ashamed. Thursday is the pet adoption fair in the old copper mine.

SPCA President Herman O'Neill says there will be lots of great puppos and kittens for the taking. He says that they will be deep in the money. where the tunnels get dark, where they never got around to wiring up the lights, where the ceilings are low and you have to crawl to continue. The pets are waiting for you there, Herman says. They love you and want you to find them. So crawl into that dark forever if that's what it takes. That's so cute.

Maybe I should adopt a dog. I used to have one, you know. But it went away to college, and I've been an empty nester ever since. Friday is on vacation this week, and so we'll just be doing Thursday again. And Saturday is sign-up day for the rec leagues. If you want to join their kickball, basketball, or the most dangerous game teams, head on down to the Community Center to sign up. This has been the Community Calendar.

Hey, I don't like to raise my voice like this, but hey, you simply need to stop touching the wolfmen in the woods, George North? They are neither our friends nor our pets, nor are they a beneficial part of the ecosystem, like mountains or waterfalls or oil derricks.

They're unnatural fiends. They hunger for our flesh and our fluids. They carve ancient alien language into the bark of trees with their vicious claws. Why, I just don't stand for these creatures of unhealthy appetite and unknown motives. Even if most of the week there are neighbors and our friends,

They're now wolfmen in the woods. And look, you just have to stop touching them and feeding them and trying to commune with them. It's not going to end well for any of us. Least of all for you, George, you're likely to end up with blood and viscera all over the place. And who's going to clean that up? Not you. You'll be a wolfman or dead, so it'll be up to your fellow citizens and taxpayers. It's thoughtless.

That's what it is. Thoughtless. And now for a word from our sponsors. Today's show is brought to you by handsome Pete's tire replacement and repair. No one likes to think about car maintenance. It's one of those things like our blood pressure or the man who lives in the attic that we just would rather push to the back of our minds. We simply wait until it insists its way into our lives. Because make no mistake, these issues will haunt us if we don't take care of them.

A nurse will whisper an urgent, grim message to a doctor. The man who lives in our attic will find his way downstairs. He always finds his way downstairs, or our tires will blow out on an icy midnight highway. So why not get ahead of the inevitable? Handsome Pete promises good service at a great value, and I, for one, trust him. I myself get my tires changed at Handsome Pete's twice a week, which is the frequency he recommends. It's a bit of a burden on my schedule, and I'm in a good deal of debt, but you can't put a price on safety. Handsome Pete's tire replacement and repair out there on Marmot Lane at the edge of the woods.

They can't help you with a man in the attic. Nobody can. But they sure can get you a nice new set of tires. This has been a word from our sponsors. You know, I have tried every tactic. And George North, it is clear you want to be a wolfman. Which is fine. We all can have hobbies. It's good to have goals. But again, this doesn't only a wolf. affect you. When you become a wolf man, George, what does that mean for the rest of us? That our small-town human life isn't enough? That we should leave our homes, enter the woods, give in to the bloody temptation of the hunt? That our teeth could be so much longer if we just let

them. Is that what you're saying? Well, if it is, then fooey. And if it's not, then I have misunderstood, and I am sorry. But we must fully repudiate the wolf. And we will after this look at sports. desire to pet the wolfmen, to lope with them through the moonlit woods. And I get it, I really do. I don't want to come off as some moralizing negative Nancy who's never been in the real world. I understand the deep appeal of the wolfmen. If I could live in a world without consequences, would I allow myself to enjoy the gentle bite of a wild wolfman? And then finally, for the first time in my life, run free without worry or weariness? Well, sure, I'd take that deal in a heartbeat. But last

time I check, this world is not a frictionless fairy tale and we can't all willy-nilly become the wolfmen we desperately desire to be. So I beg of you here, right now, citizen to citizen, act with decorum. Think of others. And for Pete's sake, please, stop cavorting with the wolfmen in the woods, as sweetly tempting as it may be. Take the warning of George North, who has now gone missing, leaving behind a family. and a big bloodstain. If you have any information as to his whereabouts, you keep it to yourself.

Nobody likes a gossip. Well, that about wraps up my broadcast for the evening. I sure hope it's been illuminating for our far distant neighbors who heard it. We may not share the same climate, or the same accent, or the same watchful beings flying overhead while we sleep, but we share a sincere human spirit

and a desire for communication. And as the voice of one community, speaking to another community, I can only hold out my hand in friendship. Metaphorical hand, obviously. This is radio, of course. But you know what I mean? Stay tuned at next for a howling from the woods and a few tentative answering howls from the houses below.

Good evening, Vermillion Falls. Good evening. down to Vermillion Falls is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by D. D. D. Mishke. Check out his podcast, The Mishki Road Show, link in the show notes. Original music by Dissorician. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's sports was A Ragged Sianara by the Bypeds. Find out more at the bipedsdance.com. Comments. questions email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter I guess at night veil radio and on instagram at night veil official we now have a tic-tok and a tumbler as well

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