Welcome to Night Vale - 242 - The New Branch

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

The Night Vale Public Library opens a new branch, and everything should be just fine. Weather: “Carrying You Until My Feet Turn To Stone“ by Jonah Castelli Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Final EU/CAN/US dates of the Night Vale live show. Dates/Cities/Tix Our newest podcast, UNLICENSED, available now! Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

But there are too many different kinds of saxophones now. Welcome to Nightvale. Today's the big day, Nightvale. A brand new branch of the Nightvale Public Library is opening over on the East Side. Yes, finally, all of our East Side residents can access books, periodicals, reference materials, and dangerous, flesh-hungry librarians without having to hike two hours through the dust pits and brush heaps to reach the main library in downtown Nightvale. The new branch will feature public Wi-Fi, water fountains, and more than two dozen copies

of the unauthorized autobiography of Josh Gadd. And since today is the grand opening, there will be several events to mark the special occasion. Beginning right now, the entire city council is standing on the steps of the east side branch, alongside several. local luminaries like film legend Lee Marvin, who turns, wow, 35 in just a few months, and former mayor and director of emergency press conferences, Pamela Winchell, who is wearing nothing except the rear section of a two-person horse costume. Other celebrity guests include critically acclaimed novelist Jonathan Franzen, who recently won the Booker Prize for fiction for his novel A Golden Age.

for parachuting. And also, Brenda. Good to see Brenda could make it. It's a real who's who of Nightvale up there. Council member Tomika Flynn and well-known librarian hero has been given the honor of cutting the ceremonial ribbon. The crowd could not be more electric? There she goes. The ribbon is cut. The new branch of the Night Vale Public Library is now open. Of course for all All the excitement of this new facility, there remains several citizens who have expressed deep concern over another library in their town. A representative of the East Side Homeowners Association, Daniel Charles Caria Leza, said, It's like building a hornet's nest in your dining room. It seems like a great idea because hornets are cute, but Daniel continued, before you know it,

There are hornets crawling in your hair, harassing your sister's new boyfriend, and eating all of your soda crackers. It's no good. Daniel then began tickling his own kneecaps and cry laughing. The city council has refuted any concerns about safety by reassuring the public that they have triple-checked all security measures. The librarians cannot harm innocent citizens who just want to check out Mave Binchies, circle. of friends for the 12th time. It'll be fine. The city council hissed. Stop worrying your gelatinous little heads. Well, nightbail, there are dangers with any new construction. Remember when the new Home Depot went up over at the Old Town Mall and I burned my tongue on some acorn squash

that exact same night? You have to take the good with the bad, folks. And now, let's go to Lost and Found. Earlier this month, we reported that several Florida keys had been lost. Well, a good listener to this program found them. They washed up near his home in Sri Lanka. The nation of Sri Lanka has offered to return them, but they're requiring Florida to pay for the shipping. Florida has set up a GoFundee page to support priority mail service to return their keys.

They need to raise $28 by Wednesday. We also reported a couple weeks ago that a new friend with the possibility of more was found by Latrice Beaumont. She would like to report that the Moore part of that has become an actuality instead of a possibility. And she will be accepting high fives from noon until 3 p.m. this Saturday afternoon outside the Dutch Brothers on 18th and Devonshire Boulevard. More lost and found. Lost. Codes for entry to the missile silo in the desert near the secret Air Force base. If found, please contact Alexi via Ham Radio.

Do not use human language. Lost. Chair. It's a chair. And it is lost. Bring me the chair. Please. I miss chair.

Chair gone. Love chair. Found. A set of Franklin Mint collectible plates featuring the members of the rock band, Kansas. These hand-painted plates were originally printed in limited edition in 1988, and without them, no one knows what the rock band Kansas looks like. This has been Lost and... and found. Despite some apprehensions in the community about public safety, most of Night Vale is thrilled about the opening of the new library branch on the east side. The whole day is filled with

special events, including a literary panel featuring acclaimed writers like archaeologist Harrison Kipp, novelist Jonathan Franzen, and poet Melanie Pennington. Harrison Kipp recently finished a new book called The Lost Civilization of New Zealand about a country called New Zealand that has always been thought to be legend. But Harrison claims is totally real and located over by Japan, somewhere. Jonathan Franzen also has a new edition of his classic novel, One Last Swing for the Tuesday Boys, coming out this spring. And Melanie Pennington recently gave up a career of computer, programming to write poetry. Though, all of her poetry is just old C++ code, but read aloud.

Following the literary panel, some very special students from Knightville Middle School will read their original short stories, which they wrote in Mr. Prescott's fifth period AP English class. They'll also be showing off the capoeira dance fighting techniques and pistol marksmanship they learned in Mr. Prescott's class as well. Later tonight is the opening gala, which will feature a four-course dinner, live music by Mitzky.

Mitzky won't be performing live, but the music will be played live from Pamela Winchel's Google Pixel 8, and the evening will be capped off by a silent auction. The top item up for bid is a chair, someone found. The grand opening celebrations are underway, but noticeably absent, is council member Tamika Flynn. She was asked by reporters why she wasn't staying for the festivities. Tamika replied, I've seen the horrors of the library, and it's not for me.

I only use the web portal to check out books. That's disappointing that our town hero, the young girl who back in 2013 defeated the librarians in the summer reading program can no longer stomach the fight. Is she afraid? Tired? Too old? These are of course questions a responsible journalist should never pose without doing research first. Which is why I will say that those are questions an irresponsible journalist would ask. Not me. I'm just telling you what they would say and you can decide if you think they're good questions or not. And now, corrections. We here at the radio station regret our statements last Tuesday afternoon at 4.43 p.m. and 19 seconds.

While we understand that no apology can truly heal the wounds, our words may have caused to certain members of our valued community, we would like to say, from the bottom of our hearts, we are sorry. We here at the radio station consider our actions to be unforgivable. Of course, but we also would like to acknowledge that we are re-contextualizing this entire incident as a learning moment. We want to grow, to change, to better understand the concerns of all people in this great city of ours. And we know that words in this moment are not enough. Actions are not enough. It is but time that will allow us back into your hearts to permit you to trust us once again.

With that said, we'd like to correct our erroneous statement from last Tuesday afternoon at 4.43 p.m. and 19 seconds. We meant to say that exit 11. That's 11, yes, exit 11 of Route 800 will be closed through March 31 for construction. To avoid further offense, we will not repeat what we said before. Thank you. This has been correction. Breaking news, Nightvale. There's been an incident at the brand new library on the east side. No one could have seen this coming. I'm getting word from a source close to the situation, an anonymous informant who is inside the library, right now a tipster who will remain unnamed, though I will note that his novels, The Corrections, and Hark All You Gutter Saints,

are seminal works in American fiction. Anyway, I'm hearing from my contact that the library broke free from their cages during the literary panel. It was right at the part where my anonymous source was talking about the importance of using verbs if you're describing what a character is doing. When the librarians crashed in through the rear wall, they began to gnash teeth, swing, tails, and spew venom. Many lives were lost, but some of the most important lives, those of the three writers on the panel, in particular, were saved. They were saved by the middle school students from Mr. Prescott's class. Those three students, Alejandra Nunez, age 12, Ronnie Sharma, age 13,

and Nanico Barnes, also age 13, use the butterfly knives that they crafted in fifth period AP English to fight back the librarian beasts, allowing for others to escape to safety down into the poorly lit, windowless basement. The sheriff's secret police have arrived at the library. They currently have the building surrounded and several members of the Special Operations Task Force are standing near the entrance, saying, I'm not going in there. You go in there.

Absolutely not. More on this soon, but first, an editorial. Nightfail. We all love dogs. It's fun to pet them, snuggle with them, feed them treats, go for walks, talk about 90s ska bands with them. Dogs truly are humanity's best friend. But dogs require more than just adoration. They need maintenance too.

For instance, I recently went for a walk in Grove Park with my family. It was a beautiful day, the clouds were humming, the birds were dying, lying, the sun was radiant. And what do I see? But a giant mess. Left by a dog, right in the middle of my path. Nightvale, please pick up after your dogs. They don't have hands or senses of responsibility to the environment.

They will never clean up after themselves. So it is on you to do so. Let me describe in very specific, disgusting detail the mess that I saw in the middle of my walk the other day. First, there were several empty, nanny ice cans, and a crumpled up playbill from a professional sporting event. There was also some feces and a subway sandwich wrapper. This is unacceptable, Nightvale. These dogs were clearly having a splendid time getting wasted. housing some spicy Italians and talking about athletic competition.

But at the end of their fun, they need you, their owners, to clean up after them. Hashtag, what's up? Why don't you clean up after your pup? This has been an editorial. And now back to the standoff at the new library branch. Sadly, according to my source, the brave middle school students were overtaken by the librarians and dragged away. My source once said in his novel, the penultimate memories of Harold, that, quote, No teenager ever did nothing worth a good, golly, gosh, dang. He takes back what he said, and now believes teenagers are quite cool.

Cooler than a Kirkus-starred review, he said. anonymously. These brave teenagers fought so hard, but it was simply not enough. They are gone. Gone, but not forgotten. Alejandra Nunez, age 12. Ronnie Sharma, age 13. Nanaco Barnes, also age 13. You will be forever in our hearts and minds. May you rest in peace. But if you don't, may you rise from your graves as warrior ghosts who will avenge the wrongs against you by these terrible librarians. Either way, it's going to be great. A dismayed public praise now for a hero.

Perhaps an honored veteran of battles at the library. Perhaps a young woman who once had the fight in her to take on librarians in hand to claw combat. Perhaps a book lover who doesn't take Guff from a slobbery monster. Perhaps a talented warrior who knows exactly how to fight these creatures. Is there such a hero? Do we deserve a hero? Should heroism be expected of every human? And what is the weather like right now?

It's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. My anonymous source within the library called back.

Again, I can't tell you this person's name. only that he is a Thomas Mann Prize-winning author of the novel's Freedom, Crossroads, and Jazz Minutes. He said that everyone is safe, and the librarians have been secured into their cages. Night Vale, a hero arrived. A hero we may not deserve, but a hero we desperately need it. No, wait. I'm getting a text for my secret informant, the author of A Minuet for The Wandering Heart and several New Yorker short. stories, he tells me that there were not one, but three heroes.

Alejandra Nunez, age 12, Ronnie Sharma, age 13, and Nanico Barnes, also age 13. They who we thought were dead, they who fought so bravely, they of Mr. Prescott's fifth period AP English class. There wasn't a single hero, like with that one girl in 2013, my contact said, this trio used their very specific skills in harmony to defeat the librarians. Alejandra Nunez is the agile one. She was able to twist her way out of the librarian's grasp and quickly free her friends. Ronnie Sharma is the clever one. They devised a series of Rube Goldbergian traps that bemused and distracted the librarians. And Nanico Barnes, she's the strong one.

And she was able to powerfully wield copies of Stephen King's The Stand. The special 2002 rewrite that added the entire text of Proust's A Remembrance of Things Past between pages 303 and 304. She wielded them right into the librarian's solar plexus. This team of super teenagers defied all odds and brought down the villainous librarians, saving the east side branch opening, and all of Nightvale in the process. There was an emergency press conference held by Pamela Winchell.

After several loud snorts and sneezes, she handed over the mic to the three teens who came to our rescue. Reporters hounded them with questions. How did you do it? One asked. And Ronnie Sharma said, It was my two friends who did it with their strength and agility. And then Naniko and Alejandra added,

It was also Ronnie's cleverness. We're a team, and we love each other. They all called out in unison and the press corps cheered. One journalist then asked, was Tamika Flynn an inspiration to you all? There was a long pause before Alejandra Nunez asked, Who? There was a record scratch.

Because the DJ that Pamela Winchell hired was just learning his whole turntable thing. And then, Nanico Barnes broke. the awkward silence to whisper to Alejandra, I think Tamika was that older lady who cut the ribbon earlier? And Tamika Flynn, who was at the press conference, said, I'm only 23, y'all, but no one heard her or even noticed her. Oh yeah, Ronnie Sharma said. That lady, I don't really know her deal, but honestly, everyone inspires us.

Yeah! The three teens shouted as they joined fists in the air to form a little pyramid. The press corps went wild. The crowd cheered. And a 23-year-old woman who learned it doesn't take long to begin to fade from public attention walked back home. She made herself some pasta, thought about her feelings, took a few breaths, and moved on. She had moved on from fighting. Violence was... An answer, but never the right answer, she thought. She was a lawmaker, a leader, a true diplomat. And she was happy with that. She was still young, after all.

The world had yet to see her truly shine. Across town, on the east side, a line formed to take selfies with the newest teen celebrities in Nightvale. Stay to next for four straight hours of uninterrupted, easy listening hits, including, and also limited to, life in a northern town by the Dream Academy. Good night. Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craneer, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Carrying You Until My Feet Turn to Stone by Jonah Costelli. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter,

if you're still there, at Nightvale Radio. And on Instagram at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well. for ticks and talks. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

You can learn things about our new live show, The Attic, which tours Europe and the UK in March and the US and Toronto in April. Today's proverb. Never look a gift horse in the butt either. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food pod

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