Welcome to Night Vale - 248 - Mother Lauren

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Let's stay focused on the good news. Weather: “The Fallout“ by The Sublets The voice of Mother Lauren is Lauren Sharpe Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It used to take two to tango, but these days it takes 15, on account of the economy. Welcome to Night Vale. I hate to start out with bad news, so I won't. I have really bad news. But I think we should keep things positive around here. Instead, let's focus on some good news. John Peters, you know, the farmer, he says that he has grown the biggest ear. of imaginary corn in history.

He said that the previous record was one foot three inches imagined by a farmer down in Argentina, but that just this week, he imagined an ear of corn that was one foot six inches. Wow, impressive work, John. Meanwhile, the Night Vale Boy Scouts have announced a jacket drive for the needy. If someone is in need, they better cough up a jacket to the Boy Scouts, or else, the Boy Scouts then pounded their fists into their hands for emphasis. Cute. And finally, there will be a complete solar eclipse tomorrow.

From the point of view of one of Saturn's moons, so not super local to us, but still, great news. Ah, I guess I should get to the bad news now. The bad news is that something has emerged. from the portal to the Desert Otherworld. Kevin from Desert Bluffs was last seen entering that portal after a bloody fight with his younger self, a boy who currently lives under the care of Tomika Flynn. On that day when they faced each other, the older Kevin swore he would return, which has not yet happened.

But he also said something about not returning alone, and it would appear that he has made good on that. The entity that has stepped through the portal is, I guess, woman might be the word? She is at least seven feet tall, shrouded in red and gold. Her eyes are long. I know that doesn't make sense, but they're just long. That's what they are. Her cheeks are sharp and sunken.

She has a broad smile, but I think that might be carved into her face. She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure that I... That I... Hello, citizens of Nightvale. This is Mother Lauren, commandeering your airwaves for important reasons. It's so great to be back in the rarefied air of Nightvale. It makes me feel positively getting enraged. But I am able to set aside my emotions.

I am a professional. and I'm here to do a job. And that job is outreach. Please remain calm. I mean you no harm. I might do you harm, incidentally, in the course of things, but that's not my fault, really. That's the system's fault.

And I can't be held responsible for anything that happened before I got here. Or anything that will happen after I leave. Or anything that happens while I'm here. Basically, don't complain to me. Take it up with your govern. Impetent God. Certainly I can't. be bothered with all your petty complaints. We'll be out of your hair soon and then all we'll go back to being our new

Goreshroom. Hey Nightbale, let's talk TV. Everyone has been getting into this new craze and it's called watching TV. From pawn stars to dancing with the stars to dancing with the pawn stars. If you have an interest, there is probably a TV show out there for you. Want to get in on the trend? It's easy. All you have to do, is head on down to Big Lucy's Appliance Cavern and ask Big Lucy herself about a television. She will beckon you down a dark and narrow hole. Don't worry, that's the TV hole.

And it's where she keeps her TVs. And a good amount of centipedes, but they're friendly. As the centipedes jokingly nibble on your earlobes, you can choose the TV that best fits your lifestyle. And Big Lucy will help you carry it home. She isn't called Big Lucy for nothing. She's called that because she's big. Once you have your TV home, simply plug it in and relax.

Oh, and turn it on. It won't do anything unless you turn it on. Believe me, I spent years staring at my television waiting for it to do anything before I learned about the power button. And then watch whatever you want. The best of pawn stars, Cajun Pon stars. Pond Stars UK, the possibilities are limitless. Television, it's what's on TV. What was I talking about?

I feel like there was something important I was saying, but then it got away from me. Oh, well, couldn't have been that important, I guess. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's sponsor is Eggs. What are those freaky little. things. Spheroids of goop? And do you use them to make both bread and omelets? Hmm, sounds fake. Now, I bet you don't know this, but I learned today that you can open eggs. Yeah, I was astonished too. But if you bang the little suckers against the counter or the

bumper of a Honda fit or whatever you have handy, they pop right open. And it is so squishy in there. Just clear, squishy, and yellow squishy, and it all glushes around in an upsetting way. So, eggs, I guess? Fine. Eggs. If you have to. If you're a pervert, there's always eggs. Good luck out there.

This message has been brought to you by... Eggs. Wait, what am I doing? Here I am doing some sort of weirdly written ad about eggs while our town is under attack. I don't know what's come over me. The entity. I guess woman might be the word is walking down the center of Main Street. Her spindly arms stretched out on either side.

She is at least ten feet tall shrouded in black and green. Her ears are multitude and nymph. not where you'd expect them to be. Under the gory carved smile, there is a frown tattooed on her face. She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure. Her arms are long enough that as she reaches them out, they brush the foreheads of pedestrians on both sides of the street. Whenever someone is touched, their eyes roll back to the whites,

their mouths open wide, and they start to sing. Witnesses have confirmed that the song is Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, with the one change that the words wrecking ball have been replaced by Mother Lauren. Every building she touches turns black and white, like one of those movies that only snobs and old people watch. Every tree that she touches begins to cry, which is not a thing I knew that trees could do. Listeners, Night Vale is under attack, and I don't know how to do.

defend ourselves. The last time that Desert Bluffs and their terrible smiling God came for us, they did so with overt violence. But this time, they come to us with some sort of terrible power that changes the essence of our being. How does one fight when one cannot be confident that your thoughts are your own? Perhaps we should check with Mother Lauren. Surely she knows what to do here. No, no! Clearly I have been influenced. I am so sorry, listeners. I cannot be trusted. I am part of her plan, too. Hello, Nightvale, Mother Lauren again.

Sorry for speaking directly, but I don't feel that Cecil was communicating quite clearly enough. So, here I am your new host. Master ready to tell you what is what with the what. Please, everyone, gather in the blood pit of the smiling god, formerly known as Grove Park, where you can be properly harvested. This may take a while, and we apologize. for the weight. Please simply kneel in the dead grass, knit

your fingers above your head. You may hear the sounds of crows, but those are only blood fosters come to see what all the ruckus is about. Please, do not look up. Crows do not react well to eye contact. Thank you, and have a day. Ah, okay.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I seem to be in front of the microphone. So, let's tackle that age-old question. Is a hot dog a pizza? Now, many of us don't think of a hot dog as a pizza because we're so used to thinking of it as its own category, but strip the cultural baggage of a hot dog away. Take away all the usual standard toppings like relish, mustard, ketchup, non-fat Greek yogurt,

and what's left? A sausage on a bun. Does that description remind you of anything? Yeah, that's right. That's also the basic definition of a pizza. So, the next time some so-and-so tries to corner you into a semantic debate as to whether a hot dog is a pizza, you look them right in the eye and say that foolish game is settled. Now stop being a coward and let us discuss real matters. Like whether a cauliflower is a taco. And now for our community calendar.

On Monday, there will be tryouts for the Nightbale Screaming League. If you think you have what it takes to wail, keen, yowl, and otherwise holler it up, then come on down to the rec center where Mother Lauren awaits you. On Tuesday, the Moonlight All-Night Diner has a burger challenge. If you can eat their giant Mucho Gusto Burger Arama in any amount of time at all, then they will give you the keys to the restaurant. Seriously, take all the time you want. They'll keep it in the fridge between eating sessions,

and they believe you can do it. They just really want to be done with the place, and this seems like the fastest way to do it. For fairness, the challenge will be judged by beloved local celebrity Mother Lauren. Wednesday is Free Play Day at the Desert Flower Arcade Funcom. Complex. Come on down and join the celebration with a Cruzen USA tournament or a friendly air hockey match or indulge in a little nostalgia with Mother Lauren. This Thursday is Mother Lauren.

On Friday. Mother Lauren. Saturday and Sunday is Mother. law Oh no It happened again, didn't it? I was sitting in front of my microphone Just doing my show And something else took my voice

In the past I have been forced out of my radio booth By Strex Corp I have been mind controlled by the glow cloud RIP But never have I had my voice for this community Stripped like this And turned to evil ends

I don't know what to do about this, listeners. My instinct is to protect you, but I don't know how to do that when every word I say is suspect. Your resolutely reliable narrator has become suddenly unreliable. Whatever you do, do not go to Grove Park. It sounds like some really bad stuff is happening there and we should just avoid that. Okay, yes, I see many of you are already running and screaming away from the area. That's good. Good thinking, everyone. The entity, I guess woman might be the word, is pursuing those who are fleeing. She is at least 15 feet tall, shrouded in purple and white. Her hair swirls around like a collapsing galaxy. She has a broad smile, but a furious heart. She is slightly

familiar, but I cannot say for sure. As she chases after the inner, innocent civilians of Nightvale. She is neither running nor walking, but gliding. Her impossibly tall form is moving down the street at the speed of a car going a moderate speed, maybe 40 miles per hour, which is really fast for a person. Her mouth is moving. And as her mouth moves, I feel my own mouth moving and... I will resist. I will resist. I will resist. I will Mother. I will.

Mother. Lauren. Mother. Lauren. Now you've done it. Now you've made me enraged. When I get this way, there is only one thing that satiates, and that is the blood of my enemies. So say your prayers. Cast beseeching hands towards the empty sky

because the hands of Mother Lauren will soon be swishing about in your entrails, but don't worry, you'll be awake for the whole thing, because I do not eat, and I do not drink, and I do not sleep. I subsist on suffering. I delight in suffering. I am the all, and the end, and the being. I am the mother of cruelty. But first, let's take a look at the web. There was never you, but there was nothing so complete that no one thought anything of it, because there was no one, and no thoughts, and nowhere to have thoughts within. It was not darkness,

because darkness is something. It was like our lives before we were born, an absence that only grows deep and troubling if you happen to think about it for any length of time. Then there was light, and there was darkness, and free jazz, and oranges, A lot of things started to happen. It was all too much. Some people thought that maybe anything happening at all was a mistake, and they wanted to go back to the nothing. Of course, they weren't around for the nothing,

so they had no way of knowing if it was good or not. But before something and before nothing, there was Mother Lauren. Mother Lauren watched as it all happened. All of it, the great raveling and unraveling, the happening, and the stillness. She was there for it all. Oh, sure. She had once been Lauren Mallard, had lived a human life, born in the usual human way some 40 years ago.

But once she was transformed into Mother Lauren, then Mother Lauren became eternal. Mother Lauren eats centuries like apples in quick, voracious bites. Mother Lauren once held her breath for a thousand years just to see what it would be like to be a stone. Mother Lauren has been to the sun and found it unimpressive. Mother Lauren loves us and wants what's best for us. She cares for us deeply and will be with us always. Stay tuned next for Mother Lauren. Followed by Mother Lauren.

And two add three hours of Mother Lauren. Good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Mother Lauren is Lauren Sharp. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was The Fallout by The Sublets. Find out more at Subletsmusic.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Instagram and on Tumblr at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well, if you want to defy Congress. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvail.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up-to-date directly

from us to you. Let's keep in touch as the internet dies around us. Today's proverb. Ugh, can you believe today's wordle? I whisper to the saguaro cactus. The nearest town is 300 miles to the east, and I only have a half day of water. I must make it. I must. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwinner, and fellow try hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every, episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.