Welcome to Night Vale - 251 - Detours

Episode Date: August 1, 2024

There's a brand new way to get where you're going. Weather: “Homebound and Gagged“ by Snowed In Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts The Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game is coming! Crowdfunding launch begins OCT 1! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see

our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. Life is not about the destination. It's about avoiding the destination at all costs. Welcome to Night Vale. Buckle up, listeners. Today, I'm not broadcasting to you from down at the station. I'm broadcasting to you from out in the world via a little radio transmitting device and headset that I picked up at the Arlo D' Cardina's estate sale last weekend.

Big shout out to Arlo. Thanks so much for posthumously selling me your stuff. And thanks also for giving your life to save us from those Wasp Mountain Goat Minot-Minnatar-looking things. What were those even? Where did they come from? Are there more? Anyway, RIP, pal.

So, this device has a single-want signal which normally only reaches about two to three miles, but thanks to the inordinate amount of satellites constantly, passing overhead, it actually bounces around town pretty well. As many of you heard me testing out on Saturday night, with an improvised stand-up set about how my swamp cooler is full of scorpions again, and how super hilarious that is. Which was not in any way a passive-aggressive message meant for Will Barka of Barka's pest removal, who keeps rescheduling our extermination appointment due to his overwhelming calendar

and incapacitating arachnophobia. Speaking of pest removal, there's a fresh heap of roadkill on the corner of Fifth and Shea, in case anyone from the sanitation department is listening. Right between the Ace Hardware and the hazy Mirage tanning salon, kind of half in the street and half in the alley. I can't tell what kind of animal it was. Maybe one of the monsters Arlo killed?

I don't know. But it's wearing a blood-soaked Argyle sweat, sweater vest and is approximately human-sized. I gotta say, it's exciting to be out here where the action's happening in real time. Instead of relying on secondhand reports and looking out the window and trying to imagine what the local news might be, now I'm really living the news and bringing it to you as it happens. Theoretically, nothing's really happening out here per se, but don't worry, I won't just be walking around town all night cataloging roadkill like they do on Pod Save America.

Boring! I do have a special adventure plan for us that I'll tell you about as soon as I get to the headlines. In international news, there is a dark planet of awesome size. It is lit by no sun and covered by black forests, jagged mountains, and turbulent oceans. Its howling depths are void of all life. Nothing nests in the barren branches or find shelter amid the vertical peaks. The wind is endless thunder, echoing across chasms. Nothing could be seen on any horizon from any vantage point.

It is more of a feeling place than a seeing place. The feelings are, the astonishment of terror, the wonder and romewomen. reverence of vertigo. The sensation of tumbling over and over and over as if caught in a cosmic spin cycle. Acid indigestion. Upset tummy. A hunger that can't be satisfied. Dejavu. Presquevue. Jamevue. Oblivion. The enormous abyss of an empty world falls through space free of orbits or gravities. It cannot be located or visited, but everyone will see it one day, or at the very least, everyone will feel it. In local news, the Greater Nightville area has an exciting new transportation service. In the past, we have only known the term taxicab to be short for taxidermied

cabbage. But now, thanks to the vision of a small business called Detour, which I believe is French for of Towers, there is an alternate definition for taxi cab, a car that you can hire to take you places. This concept was created by Ryan LaFleur, the freshly adult son of Tourism Board Director, Madeline LaFleur, in response to her insistence that he, quote, do something with his life.

Mom was really getting on my back. DeTorre CEO, Ryan LaFleur, muttered at a press conference when asked about inspiration for his entrepreneurship. Besides the standard ride model, there will also be a driverless option which employs the ghosts of dead cab drivers to operate vehicles using completely invisible otherworldly powers. We wanted to take a stand against discrimination of the non-living in the workplace, which we're seeing far too much of these days.

company spokesperson and the CEO's best friend, Kayla Spano, said, stepping in for Ryan as he got bored and drifted away from the press conference. Plus, we're also committed to the environment and we're pretty sure it uses some kind of green energy, she concluded. Detour is currently hiring, with applications open to all citizens and interlopers who have a clean DMV record, and any ghosts who did not die from at-fault auto accidents. This story brings me to the special adventure I promised you all earlier. Being on the forefront of local happenings, I, of course, signed up to be part of the beta test group for the new driverless taxis.

And I was just approved to hail rides via the detour app, all hail. So, I thought, since I have this new remote broadcasting setup, why not bring everyone in town along with me on my very first driverless ride? Let's see. I'll just put my location in here. Fifth and Shea. And where do we want to go, listeners? Maybe a short ride since we're just testing things out. How about, oh, the pancake house? That's only a few blocks away, and the high school art club has been painting a mural on the outside that I've been meaning to check out. It's supposed to depict the dawn of time with the phrase, living things. Arise from Lifeless Matter written across the length of the building in Marion Barry's syrup. Okay, pancake house.

There we go. It says it's matching me with a car. Oh, this is exciting. And we have a match. Zerfath will be picking me up in a red Nissan Versa. Of course, I won't be able to interact with or see the phantasmic energy that's operating. but there's still an ID picture here for some reason. That's a nice personal touch, I guess.

It's a grainy black and white photo from inside an empty house, looking out a broken window at an expanse of sun-cracked desert. The flower patterned curtains are old and faded. Outside, a shadow stretches across the ground. It has long, spindly legs and a bent neck. The sky is bright white, with rolling black clouds on the horizon. The app says it will take four minutes for Zerfath to arrive. So while we wait for our driverless car, I'm going to connect us back to the studio for a moment

where Deb, a sentient patch of Hayes, is ready with a word from our sponsors. Deb, are you there? Thanks, Cecil. Today's show is sponsored by Vending Machines. There is truly no better way to put money into a big box and have something come out, a little door. now conveniently located all over town, including the bank, the hospital, the mall, the lobby of the cactus growers commission, blocking driveways, floating in swimming pools, falling from the sky, smashing cars, and tipped over out in the sand wastes. Thanks to the ceaseless appearance of vending machines right now, it's easier than ever to exchange coins for novelties. And not just coins, some of the machines are accepting trade, too.

Put any object inside and a different object of a slightly lesser value comes out. A crow feather for a kernel of corn. A tennis ball for a loose handful of RC Cola. A live spider wolf for a scratch DVD of all the president's men. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a gumball. A piece of advice for a broken wedding cake topper. Vending machines you must give to receive. Thanks, Deb.

Okay, it says the car is arriving in one minute, which is great because it's starting to rain, at least over here at Fifth and Shea. Yes, I see it coming. A red Nissan Versa with no one in the driver's seat. I feel like a real nerd with how excited I am right now. As I get older, I find that I'm more and more interested in technological innovation

and trying new things. I know that goes against the stereotype of middle-aged people being resistant to change, but maybe it comes with being married to a scientist. I'm getting in the car now, sliding into the backseat. Here we go, and closing the door, and we're pulling away from the curb. This is so cool! The steering wheel is turning all by itself, and I can see the gas and brake pedals being pushed. Oh, we just stopped for a traffic light.

Wow, it follows all the laws and everything. Oh, and it just breaks for an armadillo. Great reaction time, better than most human drivers, actually. Also, I've never seen an armadillo in Nightville before, so that's cool, too. It looks exactly like the picture in Esteban's illustrated encyclopedia. Leathery armor, nine legs, skittering upside down and backwards with a red eye of horace on its thorax. I'll try to get a photo. and have our intern Joseph posted on the community radio website.

Ah, it's too blurry. Those little guys move so fast. This is a bit strange. We're going pretty far out of our way to get to the pancake house, like the complete opposite direction. Maybe there's a traffic accident or something. Probably because of the rain. You gotta trust the process with new tech like this,

The invisible systems are always a few steps ahead of human comprehension. Oh, looks like we're headed toward the housing development of coyote corners. Nothing really out here but old tract homes. They've added a community garden since I was here last, though, and there's a thriving crop of tumbleweeds. Really brightens up the neighborhood. Now we're pulling up in front of a sage green split-level house with peeling paint. One of the windows is broken.

old flower pattern curtains flutter in the wind. Looks like it's been vacant for a while. And we're just idling here. Let me check my app. Maybe I put in the wrong location. No, it says we're still on the best possible route to my destination. That's reassuring, but I have this weird urge to go inside that house. to kneel down and pet a cat the color of a toasted marshmallow.

To play a quick scale on the piano that I know is tucked neatly into the corner of the living room, even though I can't see it from here and I definitely can't play the piano. Well, the car door's locked anyway. I couldn't get out even if I tried and I'm trying quite hard. That's also reassuring. Must be a safety feature. Oh, we just peeled out. And we're back on the road.

Going quite a bit faster now. And we are leaving coyote corners. And we are still not going toward the pancake house. We just got on Route 800 heading toward the open desert. Whoops, swerved a little on the wet pavement there. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, okay, having a good time out here. This is great. Shoot, I'm losing my signal.

I must be getting out of range, or maybe it's this summer storm. We better check in with the weather. ABC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and counting. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rBC trainingground.ca. There's something else here now, something new.

From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Listeners, I have no idea where I am right now.

But I'll get to that in a moment. First, let me catch you up on the places I've been. The car drove me out to the desert, but I couldn't say, exactly where since it was so stormy. The only landmark I could make out was that enormous windowless warehouse. You know, where the glowing crates are stacked and stored for a while and then moved somewhere else? Of course, that's not a great landmark because the warehouse itself also changes location frequently. On the road, we saw a man who was not short motioning for us to go back the way we came. Up in a guard tower, a man who was not tall, except of course for his

position in a super tall tower made similar turnaround motions with his hand. My driverless car was somehow able to interpret this, and I was very impressed that it did, in fact, turn around as directed. It still did not, however, take me to the pancake house. It turned up the long winding road to Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery, which was a nice drive, the rain had finally cleared up and I got a beautiful view of the sunset over the landfill facility down below. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see it for long because once we got to the graveyard, my taxi drove straight into an open crypt and the gates shut behind us. Then the engine turned off

and the car doors unlocked, but I couldn't move. I felt like I was tied to something heavy, like an anchor keeping me in place. I remembered things like birthday parties I'd never had, and vacations I never went on, and people I never met and things I never did. Then the memories of these things that hadn't happened turned into little pinpoints of light that all blurred together into one hazy orb

that became blinding, and then went dark again. And I suddenly felt like I was cut free from that anchor and flying upward, weightless, through a black ocean toward a surface I couldn't see, and then I felt nothing at all. I sat in the dark for a while longer, but it seemed kind of like this was the end of my ride, so I got out of the car. The crypt gates wouldn't budge, but I found a staircase leading to an underground tunnel. I've now been walking for quite a while.

And, as I mentioned earlier, I have no idea where I am. I did pass by a tarantula a few minutes ago, but they were so absorbed in reading Chuck Klosterman's The 90s that I did want to interrupt by asking for directions. I hate to say this, but I'm starting to lose faith in the detour company. It's a great idea, but maybe too complicated to work, or maybe they're trying to do too much too soon? I don't know. I'm not a very satisfied customer right now. I don't blame my driverless phantom Xerfath or even CEO Ryan LaFleur,

but something's gone wrong somewhere because I really don't think I was supposed to end up down here. There's all these freaky ancient symbols carved into the walls like till days and umlouts and semicolens. And the place is absolutely infested with armadillos. They're not. nearly as cute when they're dropping from the ceiling, hissing and shittering. Wait, I think I see a light up ahead.

Oh, I hope that means I'm coming to the end of the tunnel. Yes, it's definitely a light. Oh, well, look at that. Listeners, I have emerged onto the street. I'm back in town and I am standing right in front of the glowing sign of the pancake house. A giant neon spatula flickering with its... classic slogan, all the pancakes you deserve, and several more that you don't. And the app just told me I've reached my destination.

How about that? It does work after all. I got to admit, I feel pretty embarrassed that I was second-guessing the process. Like I said, the limits of human comprehension. It's mortifying to be a person sometimes, isn't it? Now that I'm here, I might as well go inside and get a short stack. Really worked up an appetite with that bonus exercise. I guess that's green energy at work. I officially take back all my earlier criticisms.

Le Fleurs detour, four stars. Stay tuned for the last scraps of sun sinking into the landfill, responsibly disposing of another day. Good night, nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dysperition. The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwinner. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was homebound and gagged by Snowed Inn. Find out more at snowedin.combe.com.com. comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvelle.com or follow us on Instagram and Tumblr at Nightvale Official. We now have a TikTok at Nightvale Official as well. If you like watching short videos, most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightveal.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

This is the most reliable way to hear about new stuff we are doing. Today's proverb, a dog is a man's best friend. An owl is a woman's best friend. Everyone else on the gender binary gets to pick their animals. I hear capy bears are great listeners. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow try hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

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