Welcome to Night Vale - 254 - The Triangle

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

There’s a gang of Cattle Rustlers coming to town to rustle up the cattle. Weather: “Dark Skies“ by Danny Schmidt Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts UNLICENSED Season 2 arrives October 31, only on AudibleThe Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game is coming! Crowdfunding launch begins OCT 1! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Happy Random Sunday afternoon to all who celebrate. Welcome to Night Vale. Junior high school students, Alejandra Nunez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanical Barnes of Mr. Prescott's

5th period AP English class, announced today that they no longer wished to be referred to as the library tweens. The trio became a social media sensation last year when they defeated several hungry librarians and later led the revolution against Mother Lauren, who you may remember tried to destroy our town. Weary media members who don't like having to keep repeating, Alejandra Nunez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanico Barnes of Mr. Prescott's Fifth Period A.B. English class just shortened the whole thing to library tweens. But apparently, an exalted nickname from celebrated journalists is not enough for these superstars. So, they're workshopping new names for their group.

They formed an LLC and are trying to get a company credit card, though it's requiring their parents to co-sign on all of that. Their mission is to protect the city from more than just librarians. Plus, they want to keep up their business long after they're out of their tweenhood. So library tweens doesn't have staying power as a name. Well, I'm glad they're keeping up their vigilanteism. This is good timing because there's a gang of cattle rustlers out on the edge of town coming to rustle up all of our cattle. In other news, there's a gang of cattle rustlers. out on the edge of town coming to rustle up all of our cattle.

They first approached Larry Leroy, who doesn't own any cattle. And he doesn't know anyone who does own cattle. But he directed them to John Peters, you know, the farmer, suggesting that John might have some invisible cattle. Larry, unfortunately, misheard the cattle rustlers when they introduced themselves, thinking they had said cattle rasslers, and they were just looking for some cattle to fight in a sanctioned match. But these cattle wrestlers mean business, and they're coming for your precious cattle,

Nightvale? More on this soon. But first, a public service announcement from the greater Nightvale medical community. The GNVMC would like everyone to know that these spiders you swallow when you sleep are super nutritious. Stop worrying about twitchy little arachnids sliding down your throat. every night while you doze. They're good for you.

Here's a good mental exercise the medical community suggested. Don't think of it as accidentally swallowing spiders while you snooze. Think of it like you're eating a bowl of cereal. But instead of crispy flakes, crunchy spiders. And instead of milk, saliva. You're not so creeped out anymore, right? The GNVMC, though, said that the wasps that crawl into your ear and lay eggs every night, those are less healthy.

This has been a BSA. The group formerly known as the Library Twins is still in a focus group meeting trying to come up with a new name. The focus group is taking place in the back corner of the cafeteria at the newly renamed Marcus Vansden Jr. High. Go billionaires. Some of the names they sketched out on their notebooks included The Vengeance Club, Ninja Squad, an unpronounceable symbol that depicts an eagle holding a katana, the triumph, Verrett, Triple Trouble, and Alaronico, which is a merger of their three first names, but to me,

kind of sounds like an online-only auto insurance company. They also need to set up some social media accounts and schedule team meetings and maybe even get an agent. But sadly, the bell has rung for the end of lunch, so their new name will have to wait. But how long until they can swing into action? There is trouble in Nightvale right now, and I'm not so sure we can rely on a vigilante team

to protect our town if they can only save us outside of school hours. I've received word that the cattle rustlers have made their way deeper into our town, They plan to rustle every cattle they can find. They shook down John Peters, but he said he doesn't own any cattle, as cattle love to eat invisible corn, and he has big plans for his invisible corn. He can't be having cattle around to devour his livelihood.

He suggested they try the nightbill zoo. They got all kinds of critters there, John said. Surely they got some cattle you can rassel. The cattle rustlers drifted through the sand wastes until they finally found some cattle to rustle. The cattle were two steers named Robert and Lucius, and they belonged to Harrison Kipp, archaeology professor at Nightvale Community College. Harrison and several other members from his church? Temple? Place of worship.

We're preparing to sacrifice the cattle to whatever God they serve by dropping. a 2017 Toyota Tacoma on them from a crane, but the whole ceremony was disrupted by the roving band of cattle rustlers who quickly rustled those cattle away. Harrison kicked the dirt and said, Well gosh, don't want to let our god down now, do we? Before he randomly called on two volunteers from his group to take the place of Robert and Lucius. The rustlers are coming for our cattle, Nightvale, who will save us? And now let's have a look at traffic. In the westbound lanes of Route 800 near Exit 13, there's a row of five Kia Sportages, all in Sapphire Blue, EX package. What a coincidental alignment. In many cultures, this is considered good luck. Did you know that the Mayans had never even

seen a Kia Sportage, let alone conceived of a moment when five Kia Sportages, all of them in Sapphire Blue, could be on a highway in a row. Many pre-colonial Polynesian people developed advanced navigational skills for sailing across the vast, seemingly endless Pacific Ocean, but they couldn't begin to comprehend the probability that a rural highway in the southwestern United States would ever see five Kia Sportages. So perfectly aligned, not just in color, but trim package as well. It's quite a moment on the roadways today. If you see a line of Sapphire Blue, Kia Sportages, with the EX package, make sure you thank

them for their service to our country. This has been traffic. citywide that nearly all of Nightvale's cattle have been rustled, from the grassy lees of Old Town Nightvale to the vast pastures of the Barista District. Again I ask, who will save our town? The Nightvale City Council, which includes retired teen militia leader, Tamika Flynn, has called on the Sheriff's Secret Police to stop these cattle rustlers. They sent Sheriff Sam out to confront them directly.

But when the sheriff arrived, they realized that the cattle rustlers were all ghosts. Centuries old spirits of the West come to steal our cattle. Upon seeing their translucent forms, hollow eyes, and hearing their ghastly wails, Sheriff Sam got super scared and ran away. Not before firing a few shots of the ghosts, of course. The bullets just went right through them and into a nearby parked Kia Sportage, which was later charged with interfering in a police investigation. Meanwhile, the trio formerly known as the Library Twines have decided on a new name, The Triangle.

They already put out their new logo on social media, which is, unsurprisingly, shaped like a triangle. The three points represent justice, responsibility, and teamwork. The logos three sides are comprised of three arms high-fiving each other. So they got that done. They also started a TikTok and opened a merch store. That's a lot of marketing and no action. The media reached out to the triangle for comment, but they apparently just left on a school field trip.

So who knows when they'll get around to stopping these ghost cattle rustlers. Listeners, maybe we should all band together to stop the theft of our precious cattle. I can hear you turning off your radios and hiding under your beds right now, Night Vale. Do not be afraid. If we cannot stand up for ourselves, then who will stand up for... Oh, God. I'm looking outside the window of my studio. There's a line of men with long mustaches, leather chapsed,

and wide-brimmed hats. They have with them hundreds of cattle they have stolen from our city, and they mean to steal every last one. I see their leader sitting atop his horse, also a cursed apparition. He is scanning the horizon with his empty white eyes. He is turning his head and looking at me. And now he's pointing at me. The others are turning to look at me too.

They're coming this way. Oh God, I've got to hide this cattle I bought for all the shawns in our sales office. Side note, I bought a bunch of cattle last week. They were supposed to be a bonus gift for exceeding quarter two sales goals, but now these dead old cowboys mean to take the cattle from me. Nightdale, come together as a community. Let your fears drown in a sea of unity. Rise up, listeners, and come save me!

While you grab your torches and sharpened broom handles and call all your friends, you can listen to the weather. Dark sky is a old. It's understandable that you did not want to leave the safety of your homes, Night Vale. A few of you tried, but upon seeing no others carrying torches and sharpened broom handles, you quickly scurried back under your beds and into your closets, holding your precious cattle close and whispering, Don't move, Stephanie.

Not now. Or they shall find us. They shall find us and tear our family asunder. I understand. I was scared too. I texted Carlos during the weather, telling him to hide the calves he was raising for a new scientific research project called Do cows like hugs?

signs point to yes He texted back to say Our New Neighbors, a delightful young couple named Wilson and Amber, came over earlier in the day with some clothes their children had outgrown. They dressed the calves up in overalls and booties.

When the cattle rustlers came by, they simply said, Them's cute kids y'all got. You know where we can wrestle up some cattle? Carlos suggested Red Mesa or Desert Bluffs too would be great towns for stealing cattle, but his voice was shaking because he was nervous

the two calves would start mooing for hugs or milk or whatever it is cows need to live. But the calves just hunched over and chewed on the lawn like two normal children, and the cattle wrestlers moved on. Unfortunately, they did not leave for another town like Carlos helpfully suggested. They made their way into, my radio station.

The cattle rustlers weren't aggressive, just determined. Still, I was scared. Their dull white eyes, and the way they glided instead of mozying, like normal cowboys, their haunting whales, and the chill they created as they moved past me. The cattle rustlers found the cattle I'd been hiding in the breakroom pantry for the last two weeks, hoping to surprise our sales team tomorrow at the monthly all-staff meeting with these gifts of gratitude. I meekly protested, but the ghostly rustlers only stared silently at me until my voice shrunk to nothing out of fright.

They took the cattle, but as they were leaving my station, I heard synthesizer music and a Japanese pop song. I looked out from under my desk and I saw three young people flying feet first in a perfect triangular formation, lines dashing frantically behind them and the sound of wind beneath their warlike cries. It was Alejandra Nunez, Ronnie Sharma, and Nanico Barnes of Mr. Prescott's Fifth Period AP English class. The Triangle. In fact, the whole class was outside my studio holding up homemade torches and sharpened broommen. handles. They had made these items as part of their class project about the classic 17th century

French novel, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Mr. Prescott loved Alejandra, Ronnie, and Nanico's idea of the triangle and thought it would be really educational to take his students on a field trip to the library to read some kick-ass manga. But on the way there, the class heard on the radio that the town was in trouble and they all wanted to do. wanted to help. Their appearance in my studio at first confused the cattle rustlers, but then a tense standoff began. Ronnie tried to tackle one, but he went right through that cowboy ghost. Naniko attempted a sweep of the legs, but again, nothing.

Alejandra and Mr. Prescott let the other kids in a full-on charge at the rustlers, but nothing worked. Then we heard a voice, distorted and loud, echoing through the street. steps. Step back, the voice said. Stand away from the ghosts. It was Tomika Flynn. I could see her right outside my studio. Sheriff Sam and the rest of the secret police cowering behind her. Tomika then ordered the officers to take the cattle from the cattle wrestlers, but none of them would move. They were so scared of the ghosts. Tamika repeated the order, reassuring them that ghosts can't hurt them. But it wasn't working. The cattle rustlers saw the cowardice they were

dealing with, and they whistled for the cattle to fall in line. As the last cow got in formation, the rustlers began to lead them away. Their criminal work here was done. They're just ghosts, came a shout. It was Nanico Barnes. Right, Ronnie Sharma agreed. They're incorporeal. And then Alejandra Nunez roared, they can't touch us. Let's just take the cattle. Mr. Prescott and the rest of the fifth period English class rushed forward. The cattle rustlers tried to fight them off, but they're ghosts. What are they going to do about it?

Their intangible forms just whiffed right through each kid. And the students rounded the cattle up and walked them all back home to their rightful owners. except for Harrison Kipp. Everyone's a bit freaked out over his weird religion. So his two steers, Robert and Lucius, were instead gifted two Nightvale High Schools for H Club, where they'll be sacrificed in a normal way to a normal god. The sheriff's secret police then raised Alejandra, Ronnie, and Nanico

up on their shoulders yelling, The Triangle saved Nightvale! Haza! But the three students, asked to be put down. Alejandra said, We are not the triangle. Ronnie said, We are all the triangle.

Naniko said, You are the triangle. We should celebrate everyone who believes in justice, responsibility, and teamwork. She said this into her camera. Then the three of them did a jumping high five that seemed to pause at the apex of their leap.

After that, they posted the video on their TikTok. Council member, Tamika Flynn, was walking back to her office when Alejandra Nunea said, Wait. There's someone special we have to thank, Ronnie Sharma added. Ms. Flynn, Nanakow Barnes, said humbly. Thank you for being a shining example of leadership through action, for being a trailblazer in youth activism.

Thank you. for everything. At this, Tamika teared up a little and said, I really appreciate you acknowledging that. You know, I was feeling a little bit brushed aside a while back when you all, Wait! Say it on camera!

Alejandra snapped. And then they did a few more takes of this exchange with Tamika Flynn for social media. In the end, everyone was glad to go home. And all the shawns in my sales department are going to be so excited to get some cows tomorrow. Stay tuned next for a smell coming from the breakroom pantry. A smell you'll never be able to remove fully from your sinuses.

And as always, good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bree Williams, and produced by disparition. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bamcamp.com. This episode's weather was Dark Skies by Danny Schmidt. Find out more at dannyshmit.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightbale.com or follow us on Instagram and Tumblr at Nightvale

official. We now have a TikTok at Nightveal official if you like watching short videos. Most importantly, check out welcome to nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. We are announcing a lot in the next couple months, so it's a great time to hop on board. Today's proverb, if the walls had ears, they'd really match this area rug, which is made of ears. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville will be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike.

So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at Welcome to Nightveille.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightvail.com slash live. And hey, thanks.