Welcome to Night Vale - 255 - The John Peters Imaginary Corn Maze Experience

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Welcome to The John Peters Imaginary Corn Maze Experience.  Weather: “Struggle and Oppression“ by Another Day Done The voice of John Peters is Mark Gagliardi. Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts UNLICENSED Season 2 arrives October 31, only on AudibleThe Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game Crowdfunding launch begins today! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

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Hell hath no fury like a farmer's corn. Welcome to the John Peter's imaginary corn maze experience. out of folks it's john peters you know the farmer first off i want to thank cecil for letting me take over the show today well he didn't let me per se but he's not real available right now and that's kind of my fault more or less but don't worry he's totally fine but let's just say i thought it'd be honorable like to step in for him given my responsibility for him being well missing, so to speak. He's fine. More on that later. Anyway, taking over the show also gives me the opportunity to bring to you, the listeners, the virtual experience of a lifetime. As you may know,

I've been the leading farmer of imaginary corn for many a decade now, and I'll be beaver damned if every single one of them years folks didn't come up to me and say Hey John Peters How about doing a corn maze this year? Everyone loves a corn maze The running and the laughing And the bugs in your hair

And the zombies popping out at you Trying to get your brain meat The cider swilling And the banjo playing And the sacrifices to the Minotaur At the center of the maze To appease the harvest gods The petting zoo

and the pumpkin patch and the jack-o'-lantern patch and the accidental bonfire in the field next to the jack-a-lantern patch and the fire trucks and the big water hoses and the mud and the mud-rassling. Everyone loves the corn maze, John Peters. They'd holler at me in the streets and I'd always say the same thing to them. I don't have the time to imagine all them things.

I already use up every last morsel of my own brain meat to imagine the region's number one agricultural export. And by the time harvest season rolls around, I'm plump tuckered. But what do you think happened this year? The Flaky O's factory fell on hard times, had to cut way back on their imaginary corn supply. The green market co-op, one of my main distributors, shuttered their doors. after their kombucha was found to contain 80-proof grain alcohol. Route 800 kept getting buried in sand drifts, and all them farm trucks was rerouted through a whole other state,

and old John Peters suddenly had a whole lot of time on his hands, and a whole lot of imaginary corn. Instead of focusing on my crops so much, I found myself making multi-generational clans of scarecrows and play acting dramatic epics with them out in the fields. Pretty soon, I started to hear all them voices from the past, some of which I hadn't heard since I was a young man, whispering through my corn stalks.

They're saying things like, Hey, John Peters, why don't you build us an absolutely inescapable corn maze this year? Why don't you shear your imaginary corn crop into a, maddening puzzle of twists and turns that reduces even the bravest soul to tears of frustration. Why don't you inflict upon us a geometric hell of vegetation that makes us call upon a higher power for mercy? If you build it, they will. And after all these years, I finally listened.

It's time to give the people what they will. I said right then and there to the Baroness Mathilda Hayworth, eldest daughter of the Hayworth clan on the eve of her wedding to the neighboring Scarecrow tribe's Archduke Lamont Stuffington. Yes, the Baroness hissed back at me. It is time, John Peters. Now, she might have been referred to the espionage mission she's about to undertake with her sham wedding to overthrow the Stuffington territory. But either way, I left the Hayworths and the Stuffington's to fight it out on their own, and I got right to work planning the biggest, best, wildest, imaginary corn maze

anyone's ever done, did. But I know some of you can't make it out to my field in person. So, I'm also going to bring it straight to you over the radio, right here, right here. Right now. But before we get to that, I'm going to go ahead and read some of the things from Cecil's desk here that I'm guessing are supposed to be on the show today. In the headlines, it is Spirit Week at the high school. Oh yeah, that's when they do a bunch of social studies lessons about ghost culture and history. I remember that from when I was a kid.

We learned all about the major ghost holidays like creeps giving and what they like to eat, worms, and how to draw their flag, transparent, and about how people are always appropriating their traditional clothing as costumes for Halloween, like a sheet with the eye holes cut out of it, or zombie makeup or an inflatable T-Rex suit, and how that's very rude and disrespectful. It was real eye-opening. Great guest speakers, too.

My senior year, we had Abraham Lincoln and Bob Marley, and this real freaky lady who kept up. asking us to find her eyes. Don't skip out kids. Spirit Week is important stuff. Now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is sponsored by Web. That's Web with 2Bs.

The free app that tells you how many spiders are in your house right now. The premium version tells you exactly where the spiders are located. From the bathtub drain to the coffee pot to in your hair, web premium can pinpoint arachnid activity with 100% accuracy. Use promo code recluse for $50 off your first month. Okay, I think that takes care of the radio station housekeeping. I'm going to need all you listeners at home to sign a waiver before we go any further. Just basically says if you don't make it out of my corn maze, that's on you, Buccaroo.

So for everyone who wants to do the maze, please take a moment. to close your peepers and imagine that waiver and then think real hard about your signature. And for those of you who just to soon eat beans, turn off your radio and go eat beans, friend. If you're still listening, that means you have officially agreed to enter at your own extreme peril. We are now crossing the threshold of time and space into the John Peters, imaginary corn maze experience and field of heroin specters. This journey, like so many journeys, begins with a hot, dry wind, a rattling through a sea of dead corn stalks. You don't remember entering this maze, but here you are surrounded by corn.

Wait a dang minute, you think to yourself, this is supposed to be a maze, but I don't see any path at all, let alone different paths to choose from. What kind of maze is this anyhow? But guess what? Three pathways suddenly appear around you. The one ahead of you is so straight and long that it disappears into the vanishing point on the horizon. The one to the left flickers and changes colors like an oil slick, more like a hologram of a path than a an actual path. And the one to the right is blocked by a large

man wearing a carved up melon on his head, wielding a chainsaw and howling like a feral animal. Now, it's time to make your first choice. Way all your options careful like, the experience

of a maze, just like life, is all about the choices you make. One wrong step can alter your reality forever. sometimes in ghastly unspeakable ways. So close your eyes and think about your answer as hard as you can. To remind you, there's the hologram path, the infinitely long path, or the melon man.

Which path will you take? You chose the melon man. As you approach the melon man, he makes an aggressive gurgling. sound. I wonder why I chose this, you think? The other two paths were definitely weird, but neither of them had the immediate threat of this one. The melon man runs towards you with his gore-splattered chainsaw, making enraged jibber-jabber sounds like a raccoon with distemper. As he gets closer, you can see little glimpses of his face through the hacked-up melon on his head. His skin is

shiny with scars and sticky with melon juice. You can see one of his eyes just rolling around in a socket like a raccoon with distemper. He's foaming at the mouth like a raccoon with distemper. There'll be no reasoning with this fella, you think. You keep walking straight toward him, though. You made this choice and you're sticking to it. As he raises that scream and chainsaw inches from your face, there's only one thing to do. Well, there's a few things to do.

I'm sure you'll choose the right one. You can run past that crazy old melon man and hide in the corn. You can throw a rocket at there, melon man, and run off into the corn. You can try to stop that whirring rusty chainsaw blade by grabbing it with your own bare hands. I'll give you some extra time to think on this one. You chose grab the chainsaw. Huh? Okay.

As both of your hands get sheared clean off. your body and go a flying into the cornfield, the melon man chases right after him, a slobbering and a whining, like a raccoon with distemper. Human hands are his favorite food. It distracted him enough so as you can keep going ahead. Good job. It's getting dark now, but the Blood Weevil Reaper Moon is shining down upon you, lighten the way with its reddish, squirmy moonbeams. And look here, another fork in the road. One path leads to a spooky old farmhouse.

The door is half open and the inside is dark as tar. You know the Kate Blanchett movie. And if you listen real close, you can hear the sound of evil clown laughter coming from the classic Halloween sound effects compilation CD, Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey. The other path leads straight into a big old mouth, lined with jagged ancient teeth. The mouth breathes in and out with a briny dampness.

It looks like some kind of sea monster, or like one of them sharks, the ones with the heads that look like a hammer. I forget the proper name of them. Either way, a shark surely don't belong in the middle of a cornfield, you think. That is just plain scary. But on the other hand, that old farmhouse is pretty scary too, especially with them creaky door sound effects and owl hoots coming out of there. And wait a second, are those cobwebs hanging from the windows?

You have to choose quick this time. You chose the mouth. Wow, really? Before we get to that, take a minute to tie. some corn silk tourniquets around your blood spurt and hand stumps there while we check the farmer's almanac for the weather. You think as you step into the slimy crevice of the corn sharks weight and mouth and its bloated tongue tosses your body straight down its contracting gullet into a burning pit of stomach acid.

This is surely the worst choice I've ever made in my gall-darned life. You might could try to thrash around and cause the thing some indigestion so it'll spit you back out into the field, or you could double down, take a deep breath, and dive even further into the excruciating pit of acid. You chose the acid. As you submerge yourself fully into that liquefied hellfire, the flesh practically disintegrating off your bones, you get sucked up into some kind of pneumatic, You know like the ones that used to be in libraries and post offices and slaughterhouses, the kind that just shoot things from one place to another in the blink of a snap.

Well, you done got tubes lirped and now you're smack dab in the middle of the northern Lithuanian mountains. And it is snowing something fierce. And like I said, there's barely any flesh left on your bones, let alone a scrap of clothing on your body. the head. There's a cave that might provide some shelter. Behind you floats the disembodied head of an enormous dog. You chose the doghead. Do you pledge your undone allegiance and loyalty to me, the great doghead of the mountains? The doghead asks you providing a scroll for you to sign in your own blood. You choose, yes. After devoid, you devout, you'll give you. After devout,

Voting a year of your life to the doghead, you start to wonder what became of your family, your friends, your career, your house, your car, your tomato plants that needed watering, your cat Florian, your parakeet Schuyler, your cigar box full of old love letters, hamburgers with pickle relish, the sun. You wonder if there were any flyers with your face on them stuck to lampposts around town if anyone's looking for you if anyone will ever find you you wonder if you're even you anymore after all the gruesome things you've seen and done in service to the doghead all for fear of his terrible wrath you wonder does a person retain some core sense of being regardless of the

choices they make or the experiences they go through in life or can a person become so completely transformed by these things that they no longer bear any resemblance to the person they once were. Is it possible to live one lifetime as numerous different people? Or is there only one true self? Think hard on this one now. You might just be able to make it out of this maze yet depending on your answer. Or you might be stuck out here for the rest of your natural life a barely existent skeleton, freezing in the lonely mountains, living to serve the disembodied head of a malevolent canine god. So close your eyes and concentrate.

Oh, hey, Cecil's back. Hey, everyone. Wow, thanks so much for filling in, John Peters. I'm sorry, I'm so late. I completely lost track of time out at the imaginary corn maze, with the caramel apples and the cheese. jug band and the petting zoo. Oh my God, the baby goats are so cute with their soft human skin and their sad little human faces. Oh, anyway, I know I speak for everyone in town when I say,

I really hope this becomes an annual tradition. It's already added a lot to the false spirit around here. But I know autumnal frolicing is no excuse to shirk my duties here at the station. Though, in my defense, I completely forgot who I was or where I was supposed to be for a good six hours after coming out of that maze. Big shout out again to John Peters for designing such a delightfully creepy labyrinth. And for stepping in for me, I owe you one, buddy. And I promise to be back here on time for the next show with some extra juicy headlines for everyone. In the meantime, be sure to check out.

that corn maze listeners, and stay tuned for both discs of Pure Moods to The Mummy Returns. Good night, Nightvale. Nighting out, y'all. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craneer, and Bree Williams, and produced by Disparition. The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, is Mark Gagliardi. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at Disparition.Bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Struggle and Oppression by Another Day Done. Find out more at Linktree slash Another Day Done. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. Or follow us on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok

at Nightvale Official. Or really let your body feel the rhythm of the music. If that's your thing, I don't judge. Most importantly, check out welcome to nightvale.com, where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Right now is the start of our big campaign for our tabletop night veil RPG and the release of the second season of Unlicensed, our Audible Original. So that's all happening right now in your email. Today's proverb. Actions speak louder. than words, especially clapping. It is really hard to hear words if someone is clapping.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvail. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Skelly gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst.

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