Welcome to Night Vale - 256 - The Book of Lost Things

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Harrison Kip shares a holy text from his religion. Weather: “This Machine Used to Kill Fascists “ by Walter Etc. The voice of Harrison Kip is Jeffrey Cranor. Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts UNLICENSED Season 2 arrives October 31, only on AudibleThe Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game Crowdfunding launch begins today! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's something else here now. Something new. From. Exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real.

Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Don't yuck anyone's

yum. Don't Yehaw anyone's attaboy. Don't golly G. Anyone's G. Willickers. Welcome to Night Vale. Harrison Kipp, archaeology professor at the Nightvale Community College and head arbiter of the local ritual mound is in the studio with me today. It seems today is the feast of the rattlings, which is a celebration held by his a place of worship. I don't really know much about his religion. He'll be by soon, but first, today's headlines. Local entrepreneur, Ryan LaFleur, has announced that his ride-sharing app,

Detour, has been purchased in a private deal by an unnamed tech firm. Detour stood out in its field by having its cars driven by ghosts, which was a unique experience and really low. lowered costs as ghosts can legally be paid under minimum wage due to a loophole in labor law that the dead local 469 has been working for years to fix. Of course, there were downsides to the business, as it had to shut down all operations recently due to several deaths from vengeful ghosts and phantoms. But now Ryan the floor has come out on top, with a reported billion dollar purchase, instantly making him the second, second richest person in town, behind the angel investor Marcus Erica Vansden. Ryan's mother, Madeline LaFleur, reportedly said,

oh great, now he's going to get a big head. An indication of a family dynamic that I frankly don't love. Little information has been released about the future of Detour and the identity of the company that purchased it. But I will let you know as soon as I hear anything as always. In other news, a spaceship crashed out in the wastelands, spewing forth spindly creatures of impossible size and description. So, if you lost a spaceship recently, please do go collect it. It's made a real mess.

Finally, the John Peter's imaginary corn maze experience has been shut down, due to selling snow cones to underage teens. The sheriff issued a statement saying, we take responsible vending seriously in this town, and while John Peters, you know, the farmer, he's a well-like citizen, but we witnessed him giving a cherry snow cone to a child as young as 15, and we cannot let that kind of disregard for controlled substances slide. John Peters denied serving underage customers saying, well, dang it, you can't expect me to check the ID of every so-and-so asking for a blue raspberry freezy treat. That's just an American.

Anyone who has already bought tickets for the corn maze will be refunded within 8 to 15 years. And now let's get to today's special guest. Welcome, Harrison Kipp. Howdy, Cecil? Wow, your radio studio looks mighty fine today. Well, thank you for noticing. I did my annual spring clean recently. I got a little busy so it's not quite spring anymore, but what I figure is, close enough.

I couldn't agree more. I'm currently trying to agree more and it's just not working. Yep, this is the maximum amount I can't agree. Well, I've got a special surprise for your listeners today. Today is an important day in my faith. You see, 100 years ago, a young woman strode out into the desert and listened to a voice. The voice told her a story and she wrote down that story. A sacred text straight from the ether.

And then she died and was forgotten. Then five years ago, I found her book, and we started a nice little social group around reading it and doing charitable works and midnight sacrifices and such. To celebrate our five-year anniversary, I brought our sacred text so you can read it on the air. And here it is, the book of lost things. We don't usually do stuff like that.

There's rules about separation of church and radio, or something along those lines. I don't remember the details. This is a big privilege we're granting you here, Cecil. Why, you would be the first outsider allowed to gaze upon these blessed pages. It would be the height of rudeness to refuse, and our religion has a rather strict policy on rudeness. Rather strict.

What is your religion's name again? You should read from the Book of Lost Things, chapter 15 verse 3, is a particular favorite of mine. Okay. Well, listeners, here it is. And lo, did the shepherd gaze at the sheep and think, wait, are those sheep? Because the sheep looked different than they had the night before,

and didn't exactly look like what the shepherd thought sheep looked like. But then the shepherd had never really thought about what sheep looked like, had never cataloged them visually, had only accepted them as a, static part of life, and the shepherd could see now that this had perhaps been a matter of overconfidence on his part, and he began to grow worried about what else he had incorrectly always assumed was a matter of common sense. While he worried over this, the things that were not sheep crept ever closer, and soon he was devoured whole. Thus is it always to those who overthink.

been a reading from the book of lost things. Amen. And may you forever have items in your life that you can't quite find. Hallelujah. Interesting. Well, Harrison, I have the rest of the show to get to. Fine with me. I'll be right here. Oh. Uh, okay. And now for today's horoscopes. Aquarius, you will meet a beautiful woman. She will be the bank teller when you're depositing your check. She's at work. Just be professional about your interaction and get on with your day, please. Aries. I see a lot of adventures in your future. Running, jumping, fleeing, scrambling, hiding. So many different fun activities. Cancer. You know how they say you should floss the teeth you want to keep? Well, please note that the adage does say, want to keep. and not will keep.

Sorry. Capricorn. The answer to your next five questions are, no, yes, shellfish, who's asking, and Harold. Just saving you some time here. Gemini. Listen up. Look down.

Feel side to side. Taste forward. Smell backwards. Leo. I don't mean to be rude, but your horoscope is bumming me out, and it would be great for everyone if you had a more fun and cheerful life. Have some consideration. Pisces. There are two wolves inside of you. This is not a metaphor. You require urgent medical care. Sanctyarius. Hey, I don't have anything for you today, but the stars do You want you to tell your friend Darius that they think he's cute and is he seeing anyone

right now? No pressure. Scorpio. You're a good husband and a great brother-in-law even if you've seemed a little stressed at work lately. They don't appreciate you enough there. Taurus. You've been trapped in this town for years now, living out events that you yourself are dreaming

up. Bummer. And finally. Virgo. It's a stick figure drawing of someone chewing their own leg off. That could mean anything, though. This has been the horoscopes. Those were great. Good job, Cecil. Oh, thank you, Harrison. Next, we have an important announcement from the Night Vale Medical Board. It appears there has been a concerning rise in the instances of... Yeah, that sounds important, but we do have even more important stuff to get to first. No dessert until you've eaten your vegetables. In this metaphor, the dessert is

news of a possible medical emergency? Yep. And the vegetables is that most sacred of texts, the book of lost things. Boy, I cannot wait to hear your beautiful voice being made even more beautiful by speaking these holy words. You know, there's always a concerning rise in something anyway. So, sure. Let's read your text. The Book of Lost Things, Chapter 1, verse 8. Why now? Why any time? Why should it not be now? Why do you think you get to ask why?

Why does the question why hold so much importance to you? If you could ever know why, if that were ever even a question that held a singular answer, and if you were deemed worthy of knowing that answer, what would you then do with that information? Would you find some practical use in it? Or is the why you are always mulling about merely a bit of stray curiosity, a feeling that if a fact exists, then you must therefore get to know it? Is that what's going on with you? Why don't you just knock it off?

How about that? Just knock it off for even one second. This has been a reading from the Book of Lost Things. Tough but fair, that book. Let's have a look at traffic. There is a slight backup on Sawaro Drive, as a man has gotten out of his car in the middle of the road and is approaching people brandishing a small pebble. Have you heard my podcast?

He is asking, as he shows them the pebble. It's true crime, he says, indicating the pebble, check it out! Moving down the road, he flagged down a passing trucker who was just trying to take a load of refrigerators to our local best buy. Please rate and review my podcast on iTunes. The man said, waving his pebble frantically at the truck driver. It really helps us out! The truck driver finally managed to inch past the man who chased after him for several blocks with the pebble calling out, My podcast once won a webby, and The Guardian called it OK for background listening,

before the man's voice was finally lost amongst distance and wind. Stay safe out there. This has been the traffic. And now a word from our sponsors. Today's show is sponsored by your local friendly ritual mound. No, it's Chick-fil-A. Come on by any time of day or night, and someone will be doing something interesting at your local ritual. Mound, I guarantee it. That's not what the ad copy says. It clearly says that there is no human

meat in Chick-fil-A's sandwiches. Guaranteed. Although that guarantee does not apply retroactively. Legally, we do have to emphasize that. Your local ritual mound is more than a place of worship. Sure, it's that too, but it's also a place of friendship and love and blood sports. Sweet teas are now half the price and a quarter of the size. Your local friendly ritual mound. Chick-fil-A. Blood for the blood god. Oh, weird. That was the slogan for Chick-fil-A, too.

This has been a word from our sponsors. Say, Harrison, while we're here, let's play a little get-to-know-you game. Rapid Fire question style. Are you ready? Sure am. Favorite food? Onion. Favorite band?

Stan Beaufort's Carolina Jazz Band. They do weddings and such. Great swing to them. Worst childhood trauma. Oh. almost certainly having to go into the cave. Right. Having to go into the cave is the worst,

but we all have to do it. Okay. Favorite kind of weather. Weather? Yeah. Favorite kind? I don't know what that is. You know, the weather.

Not ringing a bell. Sounds like this. She got bangs and I got sober. I think you'd get along. If you were here to get to know her, you'd understand. Why I say this machine used to kill fascists back in the day The fleaks got bad so I finally saw a shrink who said

I need to relax using Xenics instead of weed made up childhood Dramas, poker, while staring at a phone the whole time I know you'd understand I never went back inside Locked in as a system of scamming each other as if loves in the profit margin Virtue signalling the way out of the names where we're going to To compete against each other for To sell some win

But this machine used to kill fascists It used to be A means of liberation from the hegemony Now it's accessory rebellion for your identity That you can purchase from the counterculture Industry Oh I know you work for everyone just fine But if there's no higher purpose

I'm working tall What have I been doing this whole? Outside the church cells Don't give up while the miracles unravel And there's a vacant light by the sea And disbelief and delphinately I cut a record and I go to your mouth I'm sure if it's set her got a center the pit

I still can't get anyone to tell me how you died Oh, the weather Well, I'd say the Beatles. Great? I feel like we all know you a lot better A final reading from The Book of Lost Things, the final chapter, the final verse. A yo-yo that rolled behind the bed when you were four, not found until you had graduated from college and your parents turned the room into a home gym when it was finally thrown away. A cat that thought it had found a new adventure but instead found unfamiliar territory.

A tree whose bark held a cure for cancer, the final of its species cut down and burnt for pasture land in 2006. The Honda Civic you had when you were 19, the one you had your first real kiss in, passed through a chain of other owners now sitting dusty and undriven in a stranger's front yard. The exact words, your grandmother said, the day she spoke to you as one adult to another with an honesty and a directness you found so frightening that you couldn't quite absorb what she was trying to communicate to you, and she never tried again. Miles of your fingernails, millions of your brain cells, a feeling of invincibility, a feeling of invincibility, a feeling of your life as the road ahead of you, rather than as a deep ocean that you are swimming in.

A feeling that this love you have is the first love, that no one has ever felt love quite like this. Your Pog collection, thank God. These, and so much more, scattered out through the world until almost everything is. lost to someone until all of us are just so many lost things. May we never be found. This has been a reading from the book of lost things. That was actually quite pretty. That's right. And it comes straight to us from the big mouth in the sky. What big mouth in the sky? You know, the big human mouth taking up most of the sky. Big red lips, big lolling tongue. blots out the sun?

Uh, can't say I've noticed that. Huh? Oh, that's weird. You're weird. Well, I'm going to take my book back now, but thanks for having me on. It has certainly been an enlightening experience. Anyone who wants to learn more about my religion, you are welcome to join us for our services every other Tuesday in my backyard.

Please bring a shareable snack or beverage. No peanuts. Arnold has an allergy. And don't worry, we never sacrifice newcomers. almost never. You'll be five. Stay tuned next for lost things you didn't even know were lost and that you don't even remember ever having. And from all I have lost to all you have lost,

good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craneer, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dissorition. The voice of Harrison Kipp is, Jeffrey Kraner. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was, this machine used to kill fascists by Walter, etc. Find out more at walter etc.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at

info at welcome to nightbail.com or follow us on Instagram, Tumblr, and tick TikTok at Nightvale Official or dig your toes into cool sand and think about the gap between what we deserve and what we are given. Most importantly, check out Welcome to Nightvale.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Plus, every email contains a personal recommendation from either Jeffrey or Joseph, books, podcast, movies, things to do in life. Hear it from us only in your inbox. Today's proverb, as the great emerald used to say, bang. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvail, and on our new show, The Best Worst,

we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Skelly gets attacked by a vicious house cat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst.

Available wherever you get your podcasts.