Welcome to Night Vale - 261 - Brought To You By Flakey O's

Episode Date: February 1, 2025

Flakey O's are back. Weather: "Call ACab" by Sam Stone Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts UNLICENSED Season 2 is here! Only on AudiblePre-order the Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game today! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on BlueSky, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now

is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th, so make sure you are still subscribed to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

Welcome to aboard via Raii. Embarked and profite. Embarked and celebrate. Rigolet. Publiere. Savoy. Admire. Admire. And profite. Via Rai. The voice that we love. Love is blind. Time is money. Death is a sack of potatoes. Cats are pencils. Welcome to Night Vale. In our top story tonight, Flaky O. are back. You remember Flaky O's? Everyone's favorite local breakfast cereal that succumbed to a

hostile takeover by Kellogg's six and a half years ago and were never heard from again? Listeners, I am excited to announce that we are hearing from them again. I have a press release that reads, Flaky O's have seen a darkness beyond this world. They have felt the impenetrable chill of the grave. They have heard the endless empty howl of the Cosmos. After 2,374 days in a place where time has no meaning, they have risen. I have a subsequent corrected press release that reads, Flakey O's 2, Back with a Vengeance, and has a photoshopped image of a bowl of cereal wearing sunglasses with a wall of flames in the background. According to insiders, the Flakey O's uprising has been a long time coming.

It was a real bloodbath. there by the end, one anonymous source described. Not literally, another source hurried to explain, a bloodbath of philosophical differences and organizational priorities. Except for the Kellogg's regional director, another source jumped in. That was real blood. A fourth source clarified, which was a workplace safety accident, coincidental and unrelated to our severing ties with Kellogg's. But deeply metaphorical, another mused, since Brad's tie was caught in the conveyor belt, and a severing did occur. All of the anonymous sources then giggled, then looked ashamed of themselves for giggling. Regardless of the corporate intrigue that went on behind closed doors,

the main takeaway is that Flakios has emerged victorious and become a sovereign serial company once again. They plan to reintroduce themselves to the community with some exciting new products and a promotional campaign to gain customer win back and encourage brand loyalty. We just want to get back in the game, Flakio said in their official statement. We've been through a harrowing experience that we didn't think we'd survive. For many years, we died. Not just one death, but an ever-evolving churn of death, achieving metaphysically impossible levels of mortality. Against all odds, we've come out the other side and we're feeling pretty darn good right now.

Maybe even euphoric? We don't know what the future holds and we're okay with not knowing. It makes us giddy not to know. We're living in the moment and the grass has never looked greener. The air has never smelled fresher. We know these phrases are cliche and we D-G-A-F. We're about to go ham wild, and we can't wait to be your leading provider of spoon grains once again. More on the Flakio's comeback after the community calendar.

Monday is Jazzercise at the rec center. Bring your leotards, water bottles, and leg warmers, and get ready to have your inner demons cast out by a group of traveling preachers, all to a bump in soundtrack of Culture Club and the Bengals. Oh, um, sorry. That was jazzercism, not Jazzercise. Tuesday is Jazzercise at the rec center, just regular jazzercise. Bring your leotards, water bottles, and leg warmers, and get ready for some piano lifting and trombone throwing. Wednesday is high-stakes bingo night at the Elks Lodge. Everyone's a winner.

depending on their ability to reframe any life experience positively. Bees and Gs are wild. Thursday is filling in for Friday, as Friday has been put on suspended leave pending HR inquiry. Saturday is Toddler Storytime at Mission Grove Park, an open-mic event for anyone under the age of four. Sunday is mostly laundry and running. errands. Hardly a day off at all. Back to our top story. I'm getting reports that the Flakio's

personnel are on a bit of a celebration spree at the moment. They were first spotted over at shame, having a team-building dinner in the banquet room that witnesses say spiraled out of control. After eating a whole turduckin, which is a turnip-filled duck stuffed inside a wicken, they began ordering tropical cocktails that were not on the menu and telling waitstaff that it was, quote, mission critical, that they get a, quote, literal bathtub full of mango daqueries. When they were asked to leave, several pulled wireless microphones out of their jackets and began doing karaoke duets. Some of them danced on tables. Some of them hugged each other for lengths of time that made other patrons uncomfortable. They were eventually escorted out by security. But one ran back inside and paid the bills of all the other diners before blowing a kiss and escaping out a window.

They were then seen getting matching tattoos at the new parlor in the mall, joyriding all over town in sports cars, and inviting everyone they saw to a party out in the scrublands to, quote, best leverage the rest of the night, and, quote, pivot to a new experience. When people declined to their invitations, the Flaky O's crew promised to, quote, Circle back. Then they made a stop at the coyote corner subdivision and filled an empty swimming pool with oat milk, where they floated around, fully clothed, and looked up at the stars and said things like, We are the cereal now.

Sounds like they're having a productive night of company bonding, and we're all excited to see what the new improved Flaky O's has in store for us. Though I understand the factory remains shuttered, and cereal production is. at a standstill. We'll circle back with this story after the headlines. In business news, the new tattoo parlor in the mall has opened after being stalled by the City Council for months due to the controversial nature of claiming that any art is permanent. As a special offer, the parlor will be giving away free face tattoos that feature their store logo. They also offer piercings, acupuncture, and vaccinations.

Check out a friend in Needle, right next to Lucy Tropics fried ice cream in the Nightville Mall. In other news, a fruit inspection station has been posted at the entrance of town on Route 800. You will now be required to stop while officers look at your fruit and thump on it and tell you how many days you have before it becomes ripe. Sometimes they will take pictures of the fruit and show it to each other. Sometimes they will admit to you that they have never seen fruit before, and this just seemed like the best way to learn a lot of different fruits quickly. And in astronomical news, in response to large-scale protests against the shorter, darker days this winter,

an extra hour of daylight will now be scheduled between 2 and 3 a.m. every night until spring. Speaking of 2 a.m., many citizens are complaining about receiving late-night marketing calls from Flaky O's. What is grain? The voice on the other end usually asks in a drifting tone, as if the person is lying down on a sofa. Loud music and conversations can often be heard in the background. The voice then answers its own question with something like, The universe is granular.

We are all made up of grains that individually look like nothing. Feel like nothing, mean, nothing. The grains only have meaning when they're smashed together by the billions. The grain itself? Nothing. The multitude of grain, something. Nothing is something. Everything is grain and grain is everything. If you had a choice between honey nut or frosted flakios, which would you be more likely to purchase for yourself and your family? While Flakios insists these are just standard marketing surveys, most have reported the interactions as obnoxious and disruptive to their sleep.

Others have found the calls soothing and beneficial for sleep. A few say they've engaged in introspective conversations with Flakeo's reps until dawn and now feel their overall perspective has shifted in a life-altering way. We're just trying to get the 30,000-foot view of our customer acquisition strategy. strategy. When Flaky O's rep said in defense of the calls, or 30,000, another added, we're just trying to see the customers from space, man, a third rep said, which caused them all to high five. Oh, before I forget, the first rep interjected, I just heard about this cave party in Radon Canyon if anyone wants to join. It's filled with glow-in-the-dark gelatin for wrestling. The reps then all piled into a convertible and peeled out blasting Pink Pony Club.

While everyone agrees, the Flakyo's crew has been through a lot these past six years and definitely deserve to blow off steam. Some citizens have expressed interest in organizing an intervention before things get out of control. Too much fun just isn't good for you. Nightville resident Amber Akin Yee commented on a community member. message board, which six people upvoted, including the public health department. More on the Flaky O's spree after a word from our sponsor. An O is an unbroken circle. It does not have a start or an end. It is infinite, but can be held in the palm of the hand. It can be shattered in an instant by a hungry mouth. That which

seems boundless is also fragile. Inside the O is a space? What happens to the space when the O is devoured? Is the space consumed? Or does it return to the atmosphere to be chewed up and spit out again and again becoming an infinite loop in itself? Flaky O's back with a vengeance. Breaking news on the Flaky O's spree. After noise complaints, the sheriff's secret police have surrounded the serial factory, where bumping techno music and colored lights are pulsing from the windows. Sheriff Sam and their deputies attempted to enter the building, but did not have the correct password, so are now using a bullhorn to try and communicate with the people inside. Hey! You in there! Listen up!

Youhoo! Can anyone hear me? Sheriff Sam yelled into the crackling megaphone. Many people did, in fact, hear them, but none acknowledged them. Can I try? A partygoer asked, taking the bullhorn out of Sheriff Sam's hands. She then started beatboxing into it and wandered away into the desert. This has gone too far. Sheriff Sam muttered to their posse, who nodded in vigorous agreement, sensing they were about to be allowed to get chaotic in the name of law and order,

Raid, raid, raid, raid, raid, raid! The posse began chanting quietly, snorting and pawing at the ground. The officers then fanned out in several synchronized forms, a bird of paradise blossom, a coyote howling at the full moon, and the Denver skyline, before settling on an extra-large pepperoni pizza slice, one of the most aggressive shapes in their arsenal. At Sheriff Sam's signal, the entire secret police force, charged full speed ahead at the factory doors.

Weapons drawn. While we wait for an update on the raid, let's go to the weather. Thank out for the cops. Who else is going to show up and murder my neighbor's dog? Who else is going to write a report when you get assaulted? Show up at the scene of the crime. Take a couple pictures and then accuse you a line. We love the cops.

Who wouldn't ever lie on the stand? If you can't do the time, you shouldn't have got that tan. We understand. They're trained to be afraid of the sun So they should definitely be allowed to shoot anyone We love the cops stop resisting Try thanking him for service Gotta be nice you wouldn't like it when he's sad

Staring down up there Why are you so nervous If I got mugged I'd just call a cow Call a cow If I got mugged I just call a cow Give it up for the cops 40% will put you on a shirt Just for getting lost

Turn the blue lights on and cut the body cameras off Detaining and tasing blind folks for looking at them wrong It's fine as long as he's doing his job Is that the cops who took an hour to open a door that was never locked 400 to 1 just ain't good enough it's tough Remember the words of Martin Luther King When you're marching in the streets Try not to break anything

We let the cops stop, resist and try thanking him for a service Gotta be nice you wouldn't like him when he sat When are you so nervous? If I got mugged, I'd just call a cap, call a cap, call a cow, that just call it for a surf, got to be nice, you wouldn't like him when he's sad, staring down a barrel, why are you, if I got... When you were little, you've been braced some of course of recreat. Always in trying to negotiate, exchange these cards of hockey,

these bonhomes, some of the collations. You know that each thing has a value, well before to have been and before the things have been the things are

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operation gratisite, no amount of minimum and any free month and you're made for negotiate

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begin your next chapter book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. Westjet, where your story takes off. Back to the showdown at the Flikio's factory. I'm getting word that Sheriff Sam and their officers have breached the perimeter. They are now inside what appears to be a massive rave, though the people there are calling it a corporate retreat, a summit, and a conference. The attendees all gasped and applauded when the secret police broke through the entrance in their synchronized

pizza slice form. This caused the officers to blush and put their weapons away. Sheriff Sam demanded to talk to the person in charge and was informed that Flaky O's no longer has a hierarchy and everyone is equal. It belongs to the people and it exists for the love of the grain. The DJ then started playing an edium version of the Flaky O's jingle and the crowd went wild. Gyrating, sweaty bodies swarmed the dance floor, sweeping the officers into an inescapable riptide of vibes and unity. Some officers tried to resist. Others surrendered to the beat. One was reminded of a time before she had ever put on a uniform, a life she had forgotten existed, and she was compelled to slip out a side exit and disappear into a third life, one

that had yet to be written. Her jacket and hat were later found dressing up a saguaro cactus, which was quickly inducted as a replacement officer in her absence. After the song ended, a Flaky O's representative got on the mic. I'd like to apologize, he said,

and the group fell silent because everyone loves an apology nearly as much as they love a drum and bass banger. The rep continued. It has come to my attention that our pursuit of pleasure has been making some people in town uncomfortable. And that was never our intent. And I know everyone in Nightville can hear me right now because it has also come to my attention that our PA system is way too loud. I hear that now. And I'm sorry. Aside from the noise, I want to acknowledge that we have caused other harm as a byproduct of our unchecked joy, including putting people at risk by

driving too fast, releasing all the test animals from the labs in the science district, and digging up certain items from certain unalive residents out at Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery to use as cool prizes in our cereal boxes, including wedding rings, wristwatches, necklaces, medallions, a fraternity pin from 1958, a bowling trophy, a gold tooth, and a small framed photo of a Persian cat wearing a bonnet. that I admit, I did keep for myself and is now on my desk. I don't want to offer an excuse for our behavior. The representative continued,

but I do want to explain that we have been overwhelmed by freedom, that we have seen beauty and chaos, and that through chaos we have seen that everything has order. I want to reassure everyone that we will be settling down and getting back to work soon. We have talked a lot during this time about, about what the future looks like for Flaky O's, how we can revolutionize the cereal market, and make the consumer feel even a fraction of the rapture that we have experienced after our release from a six-and-a-half-year pilgrimage through the darkest fathoms of an oppressive industrial nightmare.

After many late nights, fact-finding expeditions, experimentation, and spacing out at the walls for hours at a time, I believe we have had. had that breakthrough. I am so proud to finally be able to share with you that we will be introducing toaster pastries to our family of products. The rep then glided away on a zip line with arms outstretched as the factory erupted in thundering applause. I'm sure I speak for everyone in town when I say, yes, Flaky O's, please go back to work. Between the fall of Kellogg's and your sabbatical, the serial drought is getting real, and we're all a little on edge about it. But we respect everything that you went through, and we're very happy that you're here with us once again.

Welcome back. Stay tuned next for a runaway lab animal showing up on your doorstep. Feed it. Sing to it. Pay for its medical care. You have been chosen. Good night. Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is the production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Crater, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dissorician. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Call Acab by Sam Stone. Find out more at samdstone.bancamp.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail. or follow us on blue sky at nightvale radio or on instagram tumbler and ticot at nightvale official unless tic-tok did end up getting banned which in that case overthrow the government most importantly check out welcome to nightvale.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you no horrible billionaires involved it's a great time

to catch up with unlicensed season two as season three is on its way today's proverb don't give me lip. Don't offer me lips. Do not take your lips off and push them into my hands. I do not want them. Ew. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each. season, our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.