Welcome to Night Vale - 264 - Duet

Episode Date: March 15, 2025

What's blooming at the Botanic Gardens? Weather: "Sheila" by Worrystone The voice of Leonard Burton is James Urbaniak Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Read episode transcripts UNLICENSED Season 2 is here! Only on AudiblePre-order the Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game today! Sign up for the Night Vale newsletter for good news and recommendations. Patreon is how we exist! If you can, please help us keep making this show. Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on BlueSky, Facebook, and Instagram. Check out our books, live shows, store, membership program, and official recap show at welcometonightvale.com A production of Night Vale Presents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about

every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet, from rolling countryside to cobblestone streets. Begin your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story

takes off. Blood is thicker than water. Blood is redder than water. Blood is messier and stickier and gorier than water. There are a lot of differences, really. Welcome to Night Vale. Spring is almost here. It's hard to say exactly when. Usually we make predictions based on what the groundhog sees in February. If he sees a wavering image of a cloaked woman with a cemeter floating on the horizon, then there are six more weeks of winter. If he sees a pigeon eating a pile of millet spread across the train tracks, spring is just around the corner. This year, unfortunately, the Groundhog did not make an appearance. After years of bachelorhood, it seems he's found a mate, and they've been in a deep hibernation state together since September. So the seasonal forecast is anyone's

Yes. Could be tomorrow. Could be months from now. But I've got a good feeling that the days of making sand angels and sandmen out in the scrublands are coming to a close. And the days of sand tubing and sand surfing at Ash Beach are in our very near future. In anticipation of spring, I decided to take a little trip out to the Night Vale Botanic Gardens to see what's starting to blue. It was a clear, cloudless day. I went alone. The sign out front said closed to the public, like always. But the gate was easily opened with a lock pick, which means come on in.

Once I started down the path, I was surrounded by bees. I didn't see any bees, but the air was filled with a vibrating hum that sounded pretty pollen thirsty to me, if you know what I mean. I walked until I found myself in front of another gate that was marked with a skull and crossbones inside of a circle with a slash through it, which clearly means do not, don't enter, which is a double negative, meaning enter. And then I was looking out on a field of six-foot-long pink blooms. Not blooms, exactly, but whatever happens before a bloom. Buds? They looked like large, fleshy cocoons writhing gently in the dirt.

They'll be so beautiful when they blossom, I thought. Then I noticed one near me had already started to open, and so I went over for a closer look. And I saw... Well, more on that after the headlines. In sports, the first minor league game of the season is kicking off on Monday night with the Night Vale Spider Wolves playing longtime rivals, the Desert Bluffs, whatever. Blood is thicker than water. Blood is redder than water? Blood is much more disturbing to seas built across Mesa Avenue than water, especially when it's your own. Welcome to Nightvale, I'm your host, Leonard Burton. And my top story, I've been dead for a long time.

I was hit by a cargo truck in front of the radio station over 40 years ago. I've come to terms with that now, it's fine. The important thing is that I'm back on the air once again, as the host of Nightvale Community Radio. Well, some version of it anyway. I know these aren't actual radio waves that I'm broadcasting on. Any veteran broadcaster can tell the difference. By the way their voice feels when it bounces off different frequencies of the atmosphere,

it's definitely some other kind of wave when I've never felt before. And I'll admit, I don't know how I got here or where I am exactly. But I was told I could have my old show back and that I could say whatever I wanted as long as I made sure to read a few specific pieces of copy word for word at regular intervals. More on that later.

I am pure consciousness now. I have seen infinity. More on that later. First, the television listings. On the Muppet show, guest are lead. Marvin joins the Muppets in their own version of the classic Grand Guignolle play, in which a doctor performed zombie-inducing brain surgery on his wife's lover,

starring Bunsen Honeydew as the doctor Rizzo the Rat as the adulterer and Camilla Chicken as the wife. On Nightline, President John F. Kennedy publicly addresses the scandals marring his fifth term in the White House. On Wild Kingdom, the Columbia River Salmon faces many obstacles on its journey to spawn, including increased gas prices, the rising cost of living, and a plummeting stock market. And on the Wednesday night movie, Jack Lemon accidentally joins a doomsday cult and becomes comically entangled. Now back to our top story. I am dead. Well, what I've realized is

the part of me that was briefly alive is now dead but the part of me that never existed still doesn't exist and is the same as it's always been basically everything is back to status quo for me your host Leonard Burton or it was until I got my job back well the lines have blurred once again

I remember the feeling of being awoken from a deep sleep I remember seeing a certain circular insignia that looked like a labyrinth. I remember being surrounded by the color pink. A vaguely familiar man, a man who was not short, handed me a microphone and a set of words on a piece of paper. The man and the microphone and the paper were not physical objects, of course, but the ideas of them.

I remember saying the word no, but having a chain shape in the air and become the words, yes, of course. I am a broadcaster. It is who I am and what I will always be for eternity. Now, the headlines. Now, back to my trip to the Botanic Gardens. I leaned in for a closer look at the opening flower tendril

peeking out from its six-foot-long pink pulsating sack. and inside the cocoon, I saw a face. It was the face of a man whose eyes were closed, whose skin was shiny with translucent goo, and who was wearing a blue suit. And listeners, I knew that face, and that suit. It was my old mentor, former Night Vale Community Radio host, Leonard Burton. That can't be, I thought to myself.

Leonard has been dead for decades. I saw him get hit by a truck on Mesa Avenue. I saw it speeding around the corner, and I saw the labyrinth insignia on its driver-side door, and I saw it strike his body with incredible force. And okay, maybe I still haven't fully processed that experience. Sure, maybe it still feels like a moment of detached reality. that happened to someone else, and I literally never, ever think about it to the point that I barely remember it even happened. But I also know that I did see it, and I know that Leonard is dead and buried out at Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery.

And then I thought, wait, is he buried at Rattlesnake Rest Cemetery? Come to think of it, I don't remember there ever being a funeral for him, or a memorial of any kind, or an obituary even, and I've never seen a headstone for him, even though I take all my lunch breaks at the cemetery and know all the tombs pretty darn well by now. Where did Leonard's body end up? And as I was thinking about all of this, and staring at all of this, and staring at at what appeared to be the face of my dead mentor inside a sticky pink bloom. A man who was not short emerged from the path behind me. Let's talk, he said. More on that, after the children's fun fact science.

Now for the children's fun fact science corner. Death is one of life's biggest mysteries. What happens when we die? Is dying scary? Does life have meaning? I know the answers to all of those questions now, of course. Spoiler, death isn't profound. It's anticlimactic and a bummer at best.

For example, the last thing I saw was my own teeth scattered across the pavement, and the last thing I felt was ashamed that I had been such a bad custodian of my own teeth, and that I hadn't held on to them better. And then I saw a ring-tailed cat on the side of the road lapping up a pool of my blood, which may or may not have been a hallucination, but probably was. And then I died. And that was it.

It was a disappointment, to be honest. Birth is where the real drama is, but no one cares about that because everyone's done it already and no one remembers it. We come screaming into the world with nearly infinite alternate reality, opening up in front of us at light speed, and we go out mumbling and hallucinating animals

until we fall into a dreamless sleep. But if you do still want those original answers, they are, in order, not much, kinda, and kinda. This has been the children's fun... And having said all that, this has been the children's Fun Fact Science Corner. Wow! Who knew the burrowing...

Owl had such complicated religious rituals. Now, back to my experience at the Botanic Gardens. A man, who was not short, stepped out from the bushes and placed a hand on my shoulder. It felt like ice. Maybe we should sit down, he said. We sat together on a stone bench overlooking the field. What kinds of flowers are these? I asked him. Geraniums, he said, looking me in the eyes. I think I recognized that one, I said, nodding toward the bloom containing the well-preserved corpse of my dead mentor. Of course, the man said, also nodding. Geraniums are common flowers.

They will seem familiar to you. I looked again and saw that the flower had blossomed while we'd been talking. There were endless clusters of bright pink petals with red streaks, clinging to vines of vibrant green. Ah, I see now that it is a geranium, I said. Yes, the man agreed, very common. Let me show you the way out. Listeners, even though it had only been an ordinary geranium, and I clearly did not see the corpse of Leonard Burton inside a fleshy pink cocoon, it got me thinking, why don't we ever talk about him?

Why did we all seem to forget about him the moment he died? To me, he's one of the most influential citizens who's ever lived in Night Vale. And so, I've come to an important decision. More on that, after a word from our sponsors. You are walking down a long hallway. The carpet The pattern is dark and musty. The pattern on the wallpaper moves as if it's alive. You continue to walk. A word from our sponsors. White horse.

Sharp needle. Slow dance. Do book. Blue boy. Quiet evening. Fast bird. Sweet taste. I don't know what any of that means.

After seeing a bunch of creepy stuff, you enter an empty cavernous room with a dining table set for 12. You sit down. No one else has arrived. But I was told to read these sets of words at certain times. I hope whoever needs to hear them, hears them. I hope they understand what it's supposed to mean. I hope it isn't anything questionable, but I would regret being involved in. But I really do like having my show back. Oh, I missed a few on account of being. You wonder, not without dread, who else is coming. In a crystal glass in front of you, a beverage.

It's bubbly and pale yellow in color. As if compelled by another force, your hand reaches out for it and brings it to your lips. It's more than seltzer, proudly made with only real squeezed fruit, never from concentrate. Bold, authentic, spin drift. This has been a word from our sponsors. I'm dying to tell you about my decision regarding the memory of Leonard Burton. But first, screaming voices, ancient languages, venomous animals, dark skies, red rivers, new gods, bad weather. The weather.

This episode is brought to by an espresso. Hear that? That's your next of season. session. Every coffee, a new world. Every sip, a new taste. This is the new espresso. One touch, endless possibilities. Iceed, flavored, long, short, because some days call for that espresso kick. And sometimes, a smooth, silky latte just wins. It's exceptional, but effortless. Like actually effortless. Simply press, brew and explore. Nispresso, what else? Keep exploring at nespresso.com. As well,

Beirraille, Embarked and profite. Embarked and relaxed. Ciroat, bookine, oh, that also. And profite. Villaray, the voice that we love that we love. As you all know,

Leonard Burton was more to me than just the person who gave me my start in broadcasting and guided me down my chosen career path. He was a person who believed in me. And as a kid who grew up without a father figure and always in trouble at school, that meant a lot. It showed me that I was capable of things, that I could even be good at things. It made me believe in myself.

And belief in yourself, I've come to learn, is the most important weapon we have against simply disappearing into the ether. He was also more to this town than just the voice who gave us the headlines. He DJed at the roller rink for Gregorian chant night. He was an amateur aircraft maintenance technician with Delta. He played a serial killer in a national commercial for bathroom cleanser. He loved Boston cream pies and paintings of snakes. Oh! And he once saved Old Woman Josie's Buick Skylark from crash in,

into the credit union when she left it parked in neutral. He was a great man and he has gone underappreciated long enough. That changes now. Listeners, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. I've invested my own funds, applied for a permit, hired a contractor, and in exactly one month's time, the city council and I will be unveiling the Leonard Burton Memorial Drinking Fountain in Mission Grove Park. It will have filtered refrigerated water and a bronze plaque.

It will feature a laser-etched portrait of Leonard and his famous quote, Please organize the supply closet, Cecil. Besides chilled water, it will have several other buttons, including one for hot water, one for cola, and one for hot cola. And it will be available for all. you thirsty joggers and passers by just in time for spring. It should be spring then, right? Still waiting for that groundhog to let us know,

but really don't want to interrupt whatever he's got going on down there. Up next, stay tuned for... That's it for me today. On a personal note, I just want to say that I'm happy to be back on the air. Whatever type of air this is, and whatever audience is hearing it. and whatever it means. Until next time,

see ya, Nightvale. Good night, Nightvale. See ya? Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craneer, and Bree Williams, and produced by Dysperition.

The voice of Leonard Burton was James Urbaniak. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. all of it can be found at disparition. vancamp.com. This episode's weather was Sheila by Worrystone. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com.

Or follow us on blue sky at nightvale radio. Or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Nightvale Official. Or say cheese. I wasn't taking your photo, but maybe someone else was. But mainly check out welcome to nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. We love you and care about you and we just want to hear from you sometimes. Today's proverb, a bird in the hand is worth, who cares? Put that bird down. Have you not heard about the bird flu? When you were little, you've been braced some have braced in court of recre,

Always in trying to negotiate, to exchange these cards of hockey, the bonoom, these bracelets, even of the collation. You know that each thing has a value,

well, before the things have not really changed. Negoti-tit-titre TD you can't renew with your instinct of your instinct of

with without operation gratite, no amount of minimum and no free mensuel. You're made

for negotiate. And the appellate-tit-tid-T-D is made for you today. Telecharger there right now. Hey, Jeffrey Craner here to tell you about another show from me

and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now. with Season 3 dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show

is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now, only at Audible.com.