Welcome to Night Vale - 275 - Date Night

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

Our top story: It's date night! Weather: "Without a Sound" by ⁠⁠⁠⁠Mintlights Original episode art by ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jessica Hayworth⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Episode transcripts���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 2025-26 TOUR DATES⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tix on sale now⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! ⁠⁠⁠Weather Submissions⁠⁠⁠ are open thru Nov 15, 2025 OUT NOW: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠UNLICENSED Season 3⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is here! ⁠⁠Only on Audible⁠⁠ Get the ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Night Vale newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for news and stories ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is how we exist⁠⁠! Music: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Disparition⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Logo: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Rob Wilson⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠BlueSky⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Facebook⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Tumblr⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A production of ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Night Vale Presents⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. When you were little, you've been braced some have braced in the course of recre.

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next chapter book your seat at or call your travel agent. WestJet, where your story takes off. Love is in the air, but so are birds, so are bugs, not to mention several dozen helicopters at all hours, but at least we have love. Welcome to Night Vale. Top story today is my sister Abby and her husband Steve agreed to babysit Esteban so Carlos and I could have a date night. Usually my niece Janice does the babysitting, but apparently she had her own date that night.

Someone she met at her adult rec basketball team. Oh, I need more details, Janice, and I promise, Pinky swear, not to talk about it on the air. Unless there's some super juicy details. You know what, listeners, my producer, Elise, is telling me that my date with Carlos is, in fact, not. the top story of the day. The top story of the day is that my old friend, Earl Harlan, opened a new restaurant called Amplebees. Per their name, Ample Bees is a honey-based restaurant.

There's a large man-made hive in the center of the dining area where you can pet live bees and even fetch your own honey to put in your tea or glaze over your carrots or use as gravy for your garlic mashed potatoes. Amplebees is a true, farm-to-table concept. In addition to the live bees, they also grow all the herbs and vegetables that they use in the restaurant itself. You could just pluck the foods you want, and they cook them up. It's a mostly plant-based menu, though they do serve some meat. They'll bring a bird or a quadruped right to your table and demonstrate for you, quite graphically, just how high up the

food chain we humans really are. I'm proud. of Earl, who's so talented, parlaying his food truck success into the hottest new fine dining establishment in Night Vale. Sorry, Turnicott. Maybe you should have offered Earl a partnership when you still had him. Just saying. Earl sat Carlos and me at the best table in the house, right between the fireplace, the rock climbing wall, and the bagpipe player, who honked out classic love songs by the masters of R&B. Lonnie Liston Smith, Shadeh,

Insane Clown Posse, Kenny G, Husker Doe, only the best for me and my true love. Oh, Elise is telling me that this is also not today's top story, which, fair, I'll get to that in a moment. But first, a word from our sponsors.

Today's show is brought to you by Night Vale, Community Radio. You want news, weather, sports, the latest traffic updates, and stories that affect you and your community? Well, tune in to Night Vale Community Radio and listen to host Cecil Palmer, tell you everything you need to know about your town. And more. Why get your news from online aggregators or multinational cable networks?

They don't cover Nightvale like we do. No, they don't even know we exist. And by extension, they don't know that you exist. And hey, you may not actually exist. But if that is the case, then maybe news isn't really for you. But if you do exist and you want people to at least tacitly understand this about you, then listen to Night Vale Community Radio. You can find us on your radio.

More specifically, it will find you. It's the only radio station you can get out here in the desert, except WZZZZ, but they changed their format years ago from a mysterious and over-modulated voice reading out random numbers to hardcore klezmer fusion. If that's your thing, great. But we here at Night Vale Community Radio are all Night Vale all the time. Why don't you go turn on your radio right now? and listen to Night Vale Community Radio. Okay, now back to our... Sorry, my producer is talking in my ear.

What's that, Elise? Well, since I'm station management now, I thought I should spend some of our advertising budget. Yeah, and hopefully people who hear the ad will start listening. Huh. Okay, well, you'll take that back when our listenership skyrockets. And now back to our top story, which actually has to do with my date night. Oh, and I have to interject here and say it wasn't only date night for me and Carlos. I saw Nazar al-Muzahid and Francis Donaldson a few tables over pulling up turnips and spring onions.

archaeology professor and some kind of religious sect leader, Harrison Kipp, was there with a bunch of people in dark red robes. I thought maybe it was some kind of cult meeting they were having, but also they were all holding hands and laughing and sometimes kissing each other tenderly. So I think it was a group date. Josh Creighton was also there with that woman he met a couple months back at the festival. I think he said her name is Haley. They look so cute together. They were laughing and talking. I think this is going great for young Josh.

He looked really comfortable and so happy. Wilson Levy and his wife, Amber O'Kiney, were there. Not really a date night for them because they had their six-year-old daughter Flora with them. Still, Flora was having a fun time cuddling the bees and eating time. basil straight off the stems. I love it when children are exposed to a good diet. It's so hard to get Esteban to eat his vegetables. If he had his way, every meal would be chicken tenders and a ranch milkshake. Oh, and Michelle Wynne, owner of Dark Owl Records, was there with her partner and former intern of mine, Maureen Johnson. Maureen ordered the cassoulet, which was so cool, because the server turned a lamb into sausage right at the table. It was pretty loud and a bit messy, but they have a very attentive wait staff who mopped everything up before the meal was served.

And Michelle ordered this dish that was titled Essence. It's basically an entire five-course meal reduced to essential oils. and then sprayed around the table. It was intriguing, but I went with the eggplant parm instead. Fortunately, they sat right next to us, so I got a whiff of Michelle's entree, and it smelled delectable. Also, they told me they ran into my friend and former mayor Dana Cardinal the other day. She's loving her job as a career counselor at the community college. I didn't know she got a new job, I said.

Uh, she's been there four years, Cecil. Michelle scoffed. Oh, geez. Maureen showed me a photo of the two of them with Dana from a hiking trip they all went on. Oh, Dana grew her hair out. It's gorgeous, I said, and they both stared at me. And Maureen said, yeah, a few years ago, yes. And I... Yes, Elise, top story on it.

But first, let's have a look at business news. OpenAI announced today that they're feeling a little hurt by the things people are saying about chat GPT. It's unfair. Because we work so hard on putting all that data people thought was private or copyrighted into our system. And now people are saying that it's a terrible idea, they said through blustering sobs. How would you feel if we came to your work and said, oh, that's, that's, that's bad what you did there? Gross. Doesn't feel very nice, does it?

Open AI continued. Critics of AI software countered that there have been some notable areas. and even deaths related to AI use. Not to mention the immense amount of environmental damage being done by the unfathomable amount of electricity required to run chat GPT. These critics also accused OpenAI of generating an artificial market bubble around a deeply flawed and unsustainable tech product, and that ultimately this is all a cynical attempt to rake in billions of dollars from gullible venture capitalists. Open AI then shouted, This isn't about you, it's about our feelings!

As they stormed out of the room and crawled back into their spider hole to mope and cry. This has been business news. Okay, now on to our real top story. I hope you're happy, Elise. The Nightvale City Council unanimously approved the immediate, emergency construction of a new, new monument to town founder, Tabitha Littlefield, who re-emerged from a chrysalis last year and has been wandering around town eating people. No one seems to be able to stop her. It could be because she has superhuman strength and a capacity for even greater violence, but likely it's because we're

all too reverent toward this important historical figure. Either way, she's been really hard to stop. City Council member and primary spokesperson for the entity, Tamika Flynn, said that they want this new monument to reflect the thoughtfulness and leadership of Ms. Littlefield. There will be a noble bronze statue placed atop a marble plinth. Ms. Littlefield will be depicted holding the Articles of Township Incorporation in one hand, while the other hand points accusingly at the sky. The statue will be placed far, far out in the scrublands directly above a crypt, made of solid lead, buried 20 feet below the earth, and encased in several layers of concrete.

Reporters asked Tamika if the city council plans on re-burying Ms. Littlefield so that she'll stop eating us. I wouldn't go that far, Tamika said. I mean, if she happens to wind up in the tomb, unable to get out and eat people, that's on her. How do you plan on capturing Tabitha Littlefield? Came a beautifully worded question from a clever and insightful radio journalist. We would never, Tamika said, gasping and holding her splayed fingers across the top of her chest. She's the town founder, after all. There was a brief pause before Temeke added,

but we could certainly urge her to bury herself. Everyone nodded agreeing that this was the most tactful approach. That's our top story, which I was getting to, Elise, because it relates directly to my date night. So, around the time that Carlos and I were looking at the dessert menu, which was spectacular, by the way, Earl had all the classics. A New York cheesecake, a Boston cream pie, a Cleveland fun dip, an Iowa City pudding shot, and even a Spokane Sherbert, which I believe is made with blue cheese and dashy.

Ugh, yum. We were trying to decide between the pudding shot and the Sherbert when we heard a shout. We looked up and saw Josh and Haley, leaping backward in fright. The door to the restaurant was wide open and standing right up front was Tabitha Littlefield. People cleared out of the way, hoping not to be grabbed and eaten, as our town founder shambled slowly through the amblebees. Her red eyes bulging and damp, her lower jaw dangling down to her sternum, her torso was in gorge. from her constant meals of citizen flesh.

Every few steps, she was stumble slightly, but recover quickly. Finally, restaurant owner Earl Harlan and his son, Roger, who was one of his line cooks, approached her to ask her to leave. But before Earl could say anything, Tabitha Littlefield's long bony fingers grabbed Roger's face and lifted him off the ground. Her arm grew unnaturally long as she lifted the young man high into the air, directly above her gaping maw. Earl screamed and clawed at her, but it was too late.

She dropped Roger directly onto her thick, writhing tongue and then swallowed him whole. More on that soon, but first... I'll finish the story, Elise, but this is a news station. and the top news is always the weather. night. Yes, Elise, our Tom story. After Tabitha Littlefield swallowed Roger, it was silent, except for Earl's pained whales, filled with sadness and rage and defeat, and a hint of pleading. We all felt his pain, not in our hearts, but in our bones, a deep throbbing hurt, and we all lunged at Ms. Littlefield. We then discovered,

that she does in fact have superhuman strength, and she managed to throw us all off her with ease. Except Josh Creighton, who also has a superhuman ability. Josh shapeshifted into a giant squid and wrapped her in his tentacles. He turned his massive eyes toward the OSHA-mandated first aid for choking poster. He gave a couple of hard, rapid crunches

on Tabitha Littlefield's distinctions. distended belly. And with a burp and a spurt of goo, Roger squirted out from her face and landed in the Yam Garden. He was unharmed, though quite confused by what had just happened. Ms. Littlefield grabbed Josh and pulled him off. She tried to eat him, but the tentacles were too much, so she just threw him aside and headed toward Maureen and Michelle. Maureen said, that was so rad. And Maureen said, yes, but her blue dress is hideous. I kind of like it, Michelle said.

Midwest Business Lady Sheek is the new eclectic minimalism. And then Maureen said, fashion shouldn't have labels. Truth. Michelle agreed. And then asked if red wine is still a thing. Tabitha Littlefield stopped and watched this entire exchange, slightly dumbfounded. Or maybe she seemed dumbfounded, what with her mouth, hanging open.

At this point, Harrison Kipp and his dates his flock? I don't know. Harrison and the people wearing the red robes surrounded Ms. Littlefield and began chanting in a language that sounded like Latin only slowed down 60% speed and then reversed. Now, I took backwards Latin in high school, but damned if I can remember any of it. Anyway, most of it was about useless stuff, like asking for the bathroom or where the library is, not practical stuff like ritual chanting. Seeing that she was overwhelmed by the onslaught of Josh's Heimlich,

Maureen and Michelle's cool girl indifference, and whatever Harrison Kipp's crew was doing, everyone else at the restaurant gathered around Tabitha Littlefield. Josh's date, Haley, started singing her new favorite song, Creep Suzette. Josh shape-shifted into a bass guitar and slid into her arms. Then Nazar Al-Mujaeed and Francis Donaldson used honey to draw a circle around Ms. Littlefield. Even six-year-old Flora Akinyi Levy got into the action by handing our town founder a bee and saying, honeybees don't grow on trees. Which is entirely true.

but also a weird thing to say. Finally, Earl Harlan, assured that his son was going to be okay, approached Ms. Littlefield and said, ma'am, I'm sorry, but you don't have a reservation. We're all booked. Tabitha Littlefield's jaw tightened, and for a quick moment, we saw the face of a woman. Not a monster, not an undead historical figure,

for that fleeting second, we just saw a woman who looked hurt, frightened, alone, and hungry. Roger handed her a plastic bag with the to-go box inside. I had enough sausage to make an extra cassoulet, he said. It's on the house. Harrison Kipp and his whatever group kept chanting as Tabitha Littlefield looked down at the doggie bag, back up at Earl and Roger, then she walked out. A call was placed to the sheriff's secret police to report the incident and let them know where the town founder was, but it turns out the secret police take every third Wednesday off as well as Saturday nights and even numbered Mondays.

So, no dice. Tabitha Littlefield still walks the streets of Nightvale, but perhaps, Perhaps we have learned that if we stand side by side with each other, for each other, if we unite as a community, we can stop her from devouring us. Or maybe it was the Honey Circle that did it. Or Haley's Discordant Rock Song, or The Sweet Girl Offering Up a Bee, or Roger's Grace, or whatever weird crap. Harrison is up to or Ms. Littlefield's embarrassment about not calling ahead. I actually, I don't know.

I don't know what got her to go away. Just that she did. Though Harrison Kipp did take all the credit for it, he asked if he could have a couple of the servers as payment for his good deeds, but none of the wait staff wanted to be sacrificed to some brand new fly-by-night god. so Harrison had to settle for 25% off the final bill. Everyone else received a Cleveland fun dip. We all cheered for the free dessert. And for our survival. And for Earl Harlan!

And his triumphant new culinary venture. Five stars. A perfect date-night experience. Stay tuned next for the sound of a jaw unhinging and then slurping down a still-warm cassoulet. Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bree Williams. Sound design and production by Dysperition. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at Dysperition.net. This episode's weather was, without a sound by mint lights. Find out more at the link in our show notes.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on blue sky at night veil radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Nightvale Official, or start second guessing whether you remember to pay your taxes. But mainly check out Welcome to Nightvail.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Every newsletter includes a personal recommendation from Joseph or Jeffrey of something we are really loving right now. Today's proverb, when God closes a door,

he gives you one hour to escape the room. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of the X-Files, where Skelly gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women?

The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.