Welcome to Night Vale - 285 - April Fools

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

It's the funniest day of the year. Plus, the intern gets hazed, a new director at Area 50, and Dana joins Doubles Anonymous Weather: "Pro Golfers" by Gin Wife⁠⁠ Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Episode transcripts 2026 TOUR DATES Tix on sale now! Listen to UNLICENSED⁠⁠ by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Only on Audible Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game Subscribe to the Night Vale newsletter for news and stories Patreon is how we exist! Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on BlueSky, Facebook, TikTok, Tumblr, and Instagram A production of Night Vale Presents Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at NightvillePresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. She knows.

How? Did you blam? No. The Devil Wears Prada 2. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore, so I think we just should tell her. Will you two please spit it out already? Um, D.

This Friday, be the first to experience it only in theaters. In light of the recent scandal, I'm sure to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now? That's a nice story. The Devil Wares Prada 2 in Theaters Friday. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the eye bandits strike. Welcome to Night Vale. The investigation into the locked room murder of the angel Marcus Vansden continues.

as well as the murder of Jalen Rutherford, an intern applicant who was stabbed to death right here in the lobby of my radio station while I was broadcasting. Of course, the emotional impact of Jalen's death is diminished, slightly, by the fact that his doppelganger showed up in a sandstorm last month, and he's been an awesome intern for us, so it's like it never happened, right? If I only saw a dead body, stabbed,

violently by a still at-large killer, but that dead body got replaced by a duplicate, then there are no lasting psychological effects or repercussions. It's just like how my former intern, Dana Cardinal, killed her double with a stapler back in 2013, and she went on to become mayor. So sometimes murder isn't a total loss. But maybe we were just lucky in those cases. I don't recommend decriminalizing murder. Like those people at the town hall meeting last Tuesday were.

Oh, they've in fact forced a referendum onto the ballot this fall. The referendum reads, Eliminate criminal charges against any citizen with a totally legit reason to kill some jerk. A yes vote authorizes law enforcement to not avoid declining prosecution of such a crime. A no vote doesn't not. do the opposite. So, as of now, both murders of Jalen Rutherford and Marcus Vansden are considered

major felonies, and that's probably good. But I will be doing my own research into this matter. Speaking of Dana, she came by the station looking for Jalen. Because of their similar situations involving dead doppelgangers, she thought he might like to join her at this weekly support group called Doubles Anonymous. It's for people who either killed their double or who are their double who killed them. Dana also wanted to talk with Jalen about what he knew about Marcus Vanston since he worked directly with Marcus before the murder. More on this soon, but first, a public service announcement. Night Vale, as you know today is April 1st, which is, of course, School's Day. This is a day where we celebrate pranks and tricks and lies in order to laugh

about other people feeling bad. Through gaslighting and maybe even threats of harm, we put others through a roller coaster of emotions, and in the end, they don't really feel joy so much as anger soothed only by relief. With that in mind, here are some fun pranks you can try today. open your neighbor's car tires. Oh, they'll be so mad when they're late to work on this the day of their big meeting, but then you pop out of your home and go, April fools, and you'll both have a good laugh. I mean, they'll miss the big meeting, which is to decide on who gets a raise and who gets fired. This will lead to your neighbor getting dismissed for their lack of timeliness, but later that afternoon, their boss will call and say April Fool.

Come on back to work, and your neighbor will be sweating and breathing heavily because of all the fun. Another classic April Fool's joke is to tell your partner you don't love them. You never love them, and that you're leaving them to marry Daniel Radcliffe. And when they ask, how do you know Daniel Radcliffe? You say, I don't, but I'm going to ask him anyway. And then go marry Daniel Radcliffe. Start a production company and a few charities with him, adopt children and pets, and become the poster couple for Hollywood activism. And then, in 10 years, return home to your partner and say, April Fool's.

And you and your partner's new boyfriend will get into a huge fight, but a pretend fight because, well, April Fool's. Today I put on my biggest April Fool's prank ever. For the past six months, I've been planning an arborist parade, which will celebrate the many people of our town who like to plant trees. After months of promotion, permits, and planning, the parade is on. It's happening as we speak. Already, thousands of people have gathered downtown. There are three dozen floats and several live bands.

I can't wait until the end, as we're making the grand speech to thank the arborists for their efforts. Everyone will then shout, April fools. Oh, it'll be great. So get out there and do your part, Night Vale. April 1st only happens once a year. Dana asked where Jalen was today, since she wanted to talk to him. I told her, since he's new at the job, I sent him on a snipe hunt like I do with every new intern. A bit of gentle hazing, a bit of an April Fool's joke.

Dana didn't remember ever being hazed as a new intern, and I said, surely you do. I tell all new interns their first big research assignment is to find out the true name of God. Dana said she doesn't remember that at all. And I told her, I clearly recall her, calling every place of worship in town, and even going to the library and nearly dying because she forgot to wear librarian repellent. And they could smell her curiosity from a mile away. Then Dana said, if I don't remember that, then maybe I am my own double.

Maybe the real Dana Cardinal was killed by that stapler. Maybe I came from the sandstorm. I remember most of my life, she said, but I've found over the past 13 years that I don't have the exact same memories as what other people have. Dana's been working through these issues in Doubles Anonymous. It's tough, though, because most DA members know that they're either themselves or they're the double who killed and replaced them. But Dana falls into a rare third category, those who do not know which they are. But that's not important right now. What is important, she said, is that we tell Jalen to come back to the station so that they can start doing real research

into how the murder of the angel Marcus Vansden is connected to the murder of the original Jalen Rutherford. Dana is convinced that these crimes are related, even though her evidence is flimsy at best. Still, I'll have my producer, Elise, tracked down Jalen. Elise, I put the company directory on the Bumble app, but you should already have his number on your phone. More on this soon, but first, traffic. You're on Galloway, and you see that man again. You love him, and he won't talk to you. He loves you too. Or you. You love you. You you thought. You did everything right, or you thought, and you don't want to stalk him, that would be wrong. And this isn't stalking. You just happen to see him driving around town, and

maybe you'll see where he goes. Maybe he pops into Ralph's, and you pop into Ralph's, and then you accidentally bump into him and say, oh hey, crazy meeting you here, we should catch up some time. That's not stalking, you tell yourself, though you're listening to the radio and there's a man telling you that doing such a thing is creepy at best. And you decide you won't actually follow him inside anywhere. You're not going to do anything that seems crazy, even though there's something really wrong here if you could just help him understand, but no, not now, now you just want to see him driving. And you kind of just want to drive too. So you do.

And you think about how suddenly he became a stranger, even though you two once shared something special. And you hear yourself think this, and you decide, ah, it's too much. It's all too much. And you should go home. Take a nap. Just let it go. He looks like he's in a hurry. And this isn't right, what you're doing, right?

sure, you think, unconvinced by your own conscious. Listeners, Jalen made it back. He looked a little haggard as he came in. He said he's never worked so hard trying to finish an assignment, and he's exhausted. Finished? I asked him. Like, you completed the task of finding the true name of God. Yes, he said, and no. He pulled out a spreadsheet and said.

said he didn't find the true name of God. He found the true names of several gods, plural, like 14,000 or so. Most of them were easy, he said. Hindu gods, Roman, Greek, and Norse gods, and many indigenous gods, for example, just straight up tell you their names. But then, like, the Muslims have many names they call their god. So he cross-referenced those on a separate sheet. And the Christians, well, the Christians are pretty wild, calling themselves monotheistic, what with that whole Trinity thing.

And I cut him off. I explained that this name of God assignment was just hazing for the new guy. And he looked really upset. And then I said, April fools! And we laughed and laughed. I told him that, for real. I had a big assignment for him. I wanted him to work with Dana to get to the bottom of Marcus's murder, but also the murder of his own double.

He looked a bit dubious about investigating his own death, but he knew that if we solved these crimes, we probably win a Pulitzer. And I'm super into winning a Pulitzer, a total bucket list item. Dana and Jalen headed out to begin their deep dive into these unsolved mysteries. More on that, but now, let's go to another edition of Citizen Spotlight. This week's Community Spotlight is on Matt Birmingham. Matt was born and raised in Nightville. He got an associate's degree in advertising and has always wanted to work for a secret military base. Well, he got his wish this year. In March, Matt was named the new marketing director

of Area 50, which is not nearly as famous as Area 51, but that's why they hired Matt to really up the lore of Area 50, which has, by the by, been around longer than Area 51, which means it has way more Erie secrets. Granted, Area 49 is even older than Area 50. Matt said, but that place is kind of run down. And don't get him started on Area 26, which at this point is just a Chevron station in northeastern Arizona. But Area 50 has so many conspiracies, he said. People really should look at satellite photos of Area 50.

Maybe snoop around their electric fences. Maybe even try to get an insider at Area 50 to leak photos of all the... messed up things they have hidden there. Aliens? Matt Birmingham groaned. Pshah! We've got things much more mysterious than aliens. Creatures you've never even heard of. Creatures that are neither terrestrial nor extraterrestrial. Like superterrestrial, he said, pounding his corn dog on the podium for emphasis. Plus, he added, we have these cool punch cards. Discover 10 conspiracies at Area 50, and we'll send you a dollar on Venmo. Congratulations, Matt Birmingham. We can't wait to learn

more about Area 50. Oh, geez, this day is really getting away from me. I was hoping to have these murders solved before the end of the show. Um, at least any word. from Dana or Jalen? Oh, you're talking to them now. You look concerned, Elise. Is everything okay? They're being followed by a black sedan with tented windows, and they're getting really scared that someone doesn't want them to dig any deeper, that by unmasking the killer, a much more vast network would be revealed, threatening to bring down a giant ring of underground criminals?

Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry. I missed what you just said, Elise. April fools. I heard it all. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. While she makes sure that Dana and Jalen are safe,

Elise says we should have a look at the weather. Offers, they keep the world aflo. Galen tried everything he could to lose the person tailing him and Dana. He zigged and sagged. He took detours through winding neighborhood streets. Dana said Jalen looked a bit fearful, like he might even know who it was following them. Eventually, though, Jalen hit downtown traffic and managed to cross McDowell Street a split second before the arborist's parade came through, and they finally got away from that other car.

Great news, but sadly, the Pulitzer Prize Committee will have to hold off a bit longer in giving us any award for investigative journalism. We still don't have this murder solved, but we made some headway. Dana interviewed Jalen about his work with the angel Marcus Vansden. Jalen said he and Marcus didn't talk much beyond anything work-related, but Jalen got the sense from others that Marcus was deeply disliked. He wasn't friendly as either a human or as an angel. Even the other angels didn't really like talking to Marcus. He wasn't mean necessarily.

He was just sort of a recluse and didn't have much interesting to say. Plus, he was a billionaire, and he would never loan any of the other angels ten bucks when he saw them. Jalen said Marcus was also way more religious than he originally thought, which I guess if you're an angel, that jives. Jalen said Marcus made everything about God. God, God, God. Anytime Jalen did something well, Marcus didn't say good work or thank you. He'd tell Jalen, God will be pleased.

And if Jalen made an error, Marcus would snap at him that God's going to get you for that. I'm looking at Jalen's spreadsheet right now to see if this God has a name. And in the name field, it just says, God. God of Harrison Kipp's weirdo religion is named Dale. He's a 47-year-old who lives behind the sky and owns a vape shop in Red Mesa. Oh, that is very interesting. Look more into that later. Okay, focus, Cecil.

Jalen added that Marcus regularly took back donations to charities for the pettiest reasons. and he sometimes just stood naked in the window for all to see, which was alarming because angel anatomy is incomprehensible to human eyes. It seems like everyone who knew Marcus had at least a small desire to see him dead. But it still doesn't answer the question. Why was the original Jalen Rutherford murdered only weeks later? The only connective tissue is that Jalen worked for Marcus. but it wasn't the same Jalen Rutherford.

As Dana pointed out, our doubles have many of our memories, but it's possible that not all of them are the same. So can we even trust what this version of Jalen has to say? At the end of their interview, Dana confronted Jalen about whether or not he knew the driver following them. Jalen balked, but then finally admitted that was Ilana. my girlfriend. Or maybe X? Or maybe neither? Jalen said he dated her before he showed up in our world, so it was a slightly different Ilana. And this Ilana dated a slightly different Jalen. He loved her, or loves her. He's not sure. He's scared to talk to her because he's scared to find out she's not the same

woman, but all the while, she thinks he's the same man. Dana said she understood, but that he's going to have to talk to her eventually. What she was doing was not okay, and it might only get worse. Having said this, Dana also understood that this must be terribly confusing for poor Ilana, knowing the love of her life was killed, and then suddenly reappeared? Only to keep avoiding her. Jalen said he'd think about it. It's really been hard with the new job and getting adjusted to being around this nearly identical version of his friends and family. He's super overwhelmed right now. But yes, Dana was right.

He agreed. And he agreed he should go with Dana two doubles anonymous. Well, listeners, I sure hope these two investigators can... What do you mean? There's a tarantula on my shirt, Elise? Where? On the back? I can't see it.

How big? Get it off. Get it off. Help, Elise. Elise, get in here. Oh, you got me. You got me. That's a good prank, Elise.

Oh, wait, there is a tarantula on my shirt, but it's not that big. Cool, cool. Stay tuned next for massive audio clipping as a radio host screams like a baby. Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kramer, and Bree Williams. Sound design and production by Dysperition.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at Dysperition.net. This episode's weather is Pro Golfers, by Dysplers. gin wife. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on blue sky at nightville radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Nightvale official. Or be really normal about how things are going in the world right now. But mainly check out Welcome to Nightveal.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list

that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. We are going to need each other moving forward, please connect with us. Today's proverb, dress for the job you want, cash and checks, not the job you have, snapping necks. Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.