Welcome to Night Vale - 29 - Subway

Episode Date: August 15, 2013

An entire subway system appears suddenly in Night Vale, and the City Council is excited by the possibilities. Plus, tips for organ donors, a look into financial news, and a popular new service in town. This episode was co-written with Russel Swensen. Weather: "Poor in Love" by Destroyer, mergerecords.com/artists/destroyer Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now

is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica and Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

move erratically, like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now more than ever we are full of blood and honey. Welcome to Nightveil. We start our program with some good news, listeners. Several Night Vale residents have reported seeing subway entrances, popping up all over town. These brightly lit stairwells into the underground have been showing up on several street corners over the past few days. But the secret police have denied knowledge of any subway system. According to our station's research into the issue, there are no records of the Night Vale Transit Authority ever creating a subway system. or getting one approved, or even having discussed building one,

nor has there ever existed a night veil transit authority. The only hints can be found in the brochures littering the entrances, describing the ease with which we will now commute, the hungers we will sate, the time we will travel, the times we will travel, the times we will travel, the happy memories we will never be able to shake loose, even when we wake up screaming. I'm looking at one of the new subway brochures right now. There is no logo, just smiling faces, with teeth unusual in their shapes, colors, and spacing,

but otherwise quite normal-looking teeth, and the phrase, oh the place, you will go, written in heavy sans-serif font across the eyes of smiling train riders, clutching tightly to bags and metal rails and each other. I'm looking more closely at these transit brochures, and the paper stock is quite strange, listeners. The pages are scaly, brown, and translucent. I mean, I usually just have intern Dillon make our radio station flyers on colored copy paper, say, a 24-pound golden rod. But these brochures are so lush, like wings of a majestic insect. The text also just grows increasingly garbled.

For instance, here it says that our new subway system will strutely. streamline the rush hour commute. But about halfway down, it's a series of nearly indecipherable glyphs. Our experts insist hint at non-Euclidean emotions and appeasement, though we think this may be a euphemism for fares. Finally, there's a crudely drawn map of our new transit system. All routes resembling spasming tentacles and all passing at least once through a common point deep beneath the center of Night Vale. No one yet knows where the subways came from or where they go to, but as a city dweller, I am certainly happy to hear that Night Vale is embracing mass transit. This is a fantastic way to unclog our highways, reduce pollution and accidents, and, most importantly, subways allow us to interact with each other, make eye contact, acknowledge each other

as fellow creatures. Cars are impersonal machines that close us off from humanity, and with the rising cost of gas and the large iridescent tongues that have been growing from Route 800, I think the subway will be a positive addition to our community. We'll have more on this breaking story soon. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk to you now about a popular new service in town that delivers feelings, whether you want them or not. This service has no name or contact information. It simply delivers feelings.

You do not choose the feeling, though Yelp reviews say, tingling horror, and as though electrocuted I stood before him, are the most popular so far. It is unclear where on Yelp you look for these reviews. I myself have received a few feelings so far, such as blood feud and frustrated origami novice, and I'm looking forward to receiving more. I'm crossing my fingers for should have left the party hours ago before I could disappoint her. I would also settle for Overcast Wednesday and trampled by horses.

This is my own endorsement, listeners, not a sponsored ad. I wouldn't even know which company or person to bill for airtime. I just really enjoy having feelings delivered straight to me without having to worry about choosing which feeling and why and when. The Secret Police, in cooperation with a vague, yet menacing government agency, would like to remind you that, here in Night Vale, no one is eating each other.

They remind you that this is a friendly reminder. The secret police added their assurance that they see no reason to alert us to the not-at-all increasingly common practice of grill parties and consensual cannibalism. It'd be pretty terrible of us to conceal that, right? A heavily cloaked spokesperson said, distractedly, deeply engrossed in a game of drop 7 on his or her iPhone 4S. But listen, the important thing here is we are not... Hang on, darn!

Warning or alerting anyone, and I think you should remember to thank us for that. The cloaked figure Then double-tapped his or her phone And a horse rose up from the floor Beneath him or her And they flew off into the sky The city council has now officially denied Any involvement in our fantastic new subway system

We have this direct From a fair-haired and and hollow-eyed child they've sent with the denial tattooed on his inner lip. Never approved, it reads. Just a quick aside, listeners, we'll get back to the subway news in a moment, but would anyone like a child? Because I'm never quite sure what to do with the messenger children the city council sends us. I'm not even sure if the child is completely sentient.

This one just stares blankly ahead and... Oh, nope. Now he's wandered off. Never mind. Also, we're getting reports that a press conference was just held in front of the ashen shell of the public library, which of course was burned down last night, and it is only a matter of days before we'll...

need to burn it down again. Several masked figures, having called the press conference, claimed responsibility for the subway system. Their masks had the countenance of very concerned deer. One of the figures spoke to reporters. We took the matters into our own hand, even without approval. We don't need approval of the city council or the mayor. The spokesperson explained, We do and say what we please. That shirt looks awful on you, by the way.

Apparently here they pointed to Night Vale Weekly Gazette writer Lauren James, who usually wears very nice shirts. It's really her bangs that don't work, I think. I mean, I like bangs, but they just frame her face too dramatically, especially with those thick-rimmed glasses. Press conference attendees said they could see something moving behind the spokesperson's deer mask. I am told that the black charred grounds of the library are covered in roaches as well. Also, that perhaps the deer masks are not concerned but disapproving,

or maybe merely world-weary and under a lot of stress. Listeners, I am now being told by a different dead-eyed child in my studio via complex facial expressions that if you are anywhere near the sight of last night's victorious fire at the library, please do not step on the roaches. We recognize that there are tens of thousands of these vermin, but we've been informed by inside sources and this really unsettling zombie child, that these are proprietary roaches. If you look closely at one of the many cockroaches crawling up your arm, you'll notice they have slogans scrawled across them. Ride the trains.

Everything is fine. Tenderize yourself as needed. We repeat, do not hurt the roaches. We are receiving several reports that the roaches are precious ad space. And if you hold one up to your ear, it's true. They sound like sizzling butter. And now a look at the financial markets. You will turn yourself inside out.

Your sadness will know no bounds. Ladybugs will flee you. Wolves run wild in you. You will hear the wind chimes like shattering. The sun will drip icker. Whatever peace you find will be taken from you. Nothing will be the same. Nothing has ever been the same.

Past performance does not guarantee future results, you will whisper to the rising moon, as you hear several foxes fleeing your vicinity? This has been business news. The Greater Night Vale Medical Community would like to remind you to become an organ donor. It's a simple process that only takes a moment, and you could save a life.

You can visit the DMV to pick up the appropriate form. It only requires that you check a box, sign your name, and turn it in. The greater Nightvale Medical Community would also like to say thank you to those citizens who have already become registered organ donors. They remind you that collection begins this Tuesday at 4 p.m. Please hold still and wear loose-fitting clothing that day. They also advise that you do not eat anything after eight the night before. They are particularly in need of kidneys and skin. A representative was quoted as saying something that resembled a hiss

and then quickly biting the reporter's ankle. It has come to our attention that some night veil residents are getting off the trains transformed. Mayor Pamela Winschell described these commuters as thinner somehow, spiritually, like you think it's the afternoon, but it's almost evening. That's what they're like. Carlos, caring and reliable Carlos the scientist,

thinks maybe the writer's DNA has been washed out, emptied, completely drained of its contents. Listeners, I'm also being told that some people are not getting off the trains at all. I'm looking out my studio window now and see a new subway entrance has just appeared across the street during this very broadcast. I have seen dozens enter and few exit those stairs. I have grave concerns, Night Vale. I have just been handed a press release by another small child. He has such deep blue eyes and so many freckles. He is smiling and there is something dark moving behind his teeth. The press release is covered in roaches. Now the boy is leaving, and I hear a rapid but faint clicking sound.

According to the release, the city council says we owe today's increased productivity to our glorious new mass transit system that just appeared this week. It goes on to say that Night Vale could eventually become a true travel destination, like Japan or Brazil or Singapore or Luftnarp or Svitz. I know we still don't understand who built the subway or where it goes or what has happened to all of our family and friends that have gotten on the train today. I know there are concerns, Night Vale, but this season. subway seems to be a major step forward for our town, for our environment, for our...

Here, something is happening, listeners. This does not appear to be a standard government-created earthquake. Across the street, there are shimmering waves of heat curdling the air above the subway entrance. A black cloud of large insects is swirling above. I do not know what this means, Night Vale, and since intern Dylan never returned from his errands, likely because I told him to take the new subway to save time, I myself must go investigate.

In the meantime, I give you the weather. I was poor in wealth I was okay and everything else there was Oh, I was pouring love I was pouring love I was poor in love I was poor in love I was okay and everything else there was

Oh, I was poor in love I was poor in love Took me aside and said Look I don't do this every day you got style I was pouring love. Bodies in a lo. I'm trying somewhere, Night Vale. And I must admit, the last few minutes,

even stretched as they were seemingly into eons, have left me feeling renewed, returned as I am to my home after so long away. It's like I'm walking into fresh, clean water, even as I lean. into the mic. I entered the subway, like many of you, and like many of you other writers,

I saw and felt the cosmic suffering of millennia, was witness to eras of countless births and deaths and wars and discoveries and kisses and plagues and knives and cold, empty void. I saw it all at once, and I could not make sense of any of it, but I understood it fully, and it took years, Night Vale. Years, I have been missing you since I left you to the weather. What was the weather like then?

How much time has passed for you? Only four minutes? What of the ground-shaking and the cloud-shaking and the cloud-waves? of insects and the immense heat, well, that's apparently what happens when an express train arrives. People hurrying too far away, long away destinations, the click, click, click of rush hour commutes, reading unimportant news stories, solving unimportant number puzzles, looking up briefly to give seats to the seats to the elderly or infirm. All the while, not knowing where they were going, or why, or what terrible

things they would never unknow upon choosing to commute through whatever that singular point below our city is, that intersection of space and time, a sort of naval of the universe. And somehow we are all better, wiser, kinder for going where we went for as long as we were gone, though we did not age but a few moments. We still do not know who the dear mass transit people are, or whether they are people at all. Perhaps they are thousands of roaches packed inside a business suit, hiding behind a mask. Or perhaps, the mask was not hiding them at all, but hiding us, sheltering them from our immature, solipsistic minds. But now there is a subway.

Now we can go anywhere, and perhaps we can go anywhere. and perhaps we can know anything if we ride for long enough. Listeners, there's another child in the studio. This one is faceless, covered in denim and dust, with a long swoop of unruly brown hair covering what would be the right eyebrow. The child is holding a handwritten note, It reads, Because of construction, all subway service is suspended until further notice.

For your convenience, free shuttle buses will be provided. At the moment of greatest despair and hopelessness, when you least expect it, a shuttle bus will come to you. Thank you for your patience. The future of the future of the future of the subway bus will come to you. urban planning is here, Night Vale. And like our own eminent futures, it is buried in the earth. Stay tuned next for a swarm of flies circling a hot mic. And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Joseph Fink.

This episode was co-written with Russell Swenson. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be downloaded for free at dispersion. info. This episode's weather was Bore in Love by Destroyer. Find out more at merge records.com slash artists slash destroyer. comments, questions, email us at Nightvale at commonplacebooks.com

or follow us on Twitter at Nightveil Radio. Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, Your body is a temple, a temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium.

You should maybe try vitamin, supplements. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Nightvail and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat. And also, the really good episodes too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television. Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.