Welcome to Night Vale - 292 - Collectibles (1999)

Episode Date: August 15, 2026

From the archive (1999): There's a great new webpage on the World Wide Web Weather: "Candy Cigarettes" by Calvin Pineda and the Antacids⁠⁠ The voice of Leonard Burton is James Urbaniak Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Episode transcripts Order Night Vale's signature fragrance, Mostly Void Partially Stars, from Sucreabeille Pre-order THE NUDGE by Joseph Fink Listen to UNLICENSED⁠⁠ by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Only on Audible Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game Subscribe to the Night Vale newsletter for news and stories Patreon is how we exist! Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on BlueSky, Facebook, TikTok, Tumblr, and Instagram A production of Night Vale Presents Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy all it is Jeffrey Craneer letting you know that while Cecil is the voice of Nightvale, sucrebeel is the smell of Nightvale. We partnered with independent fragrance maker, Sucribiel, to create a signature scent called Mostly Void Partially Stars. It's so beautiful. It smells like desert sage, cool sand, and crisp night air. Go to sucrebeel.com or just click the link in the show notes to get your sampler or collector's edition bottle today.

We're really proud of how this thing came out. Also, if you want regular Nightville merch, we have a new Nightville sticker pack, plus a new t-shirt designed by Jessica Hayworth that details every single type of cat. There's tons of other cool things like sweaters, beach towels, puzzles, tumblers, et cetera, et cetera, to get as well. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store. Final two things. My Nightville co-writer Joseph Fink wrote a horror novel called The Nudge, and it's very, very good. And it comes out September 1st. That's like two weeks.

Pre-order that thing now. if you get the book, you get scary illustrations by Jessica Hayworth, and if you get the audiobook version, you get scary narration by both Cecil Baldwin and Kevin R. Free. There are lots of choices, maybe just do both. There's a link in the show notes, too, for in-store events where you can meet and talk with Joseph about the Nudge. We wrap it up now with a reminder that the final performances of our live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest are happening December 3rd through the 8th, 2026, up in the northeast. Go to Welcome to Nightbill.com slash live to see those dates and get your tickets now.

And hey, thanks. Get your tickets now for the dog stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go! Out there, just kill or be killed. Jacob Allurety. There are people out there? They need her help.

Josh Brulen. Shoot first and inquire afterwards. Margaret Qualie. Okay, tough guy. And Guy Pearce. Arm up. The Dog Stars, directed by Ridley Scott. In theaters, August 28th. Get tickets now.

Hello, Leonard Burton. Hi. Again. I'm still dead, and yet speaking to you from somewhere you cannot comprehend. I have drawn a map, though. With what hands, you ask, that's so three-dimensional of you? I'm joking. But there are quite a lot of dimensions to keep track of. Ergo, I have drawn a map.

I like maps. Always have. Probably always will. Time doesn't really exist here. Or maybe it exists so much that I can no longer perceive it. One fish asks the other, what is water? Then the other fish slowly backs away, maintaining careful eye contact.

My map isn't about the physical shape of the universe. None of that gravity and time space hullabaloo. No. I have drawn a path through which all events, possible, inevitable, and historical converge. It's remarkable what a tiny little sketch it truly is. I'll show it to you. Look at that, the size of a napkin, really. I know you can't see it, because this is going out over your radio signals.

But if you're anything like me, you can see it. You can see everything that has... ever happened, and will ever happen, or could happen. It's not pleasant. I'm sure you wish I would tell you a certain future for yourself, your nation-state, your planet, but I cannot. A lot of clutter in this vast knowledge of mine. I'm sure I couldn't make sense of it for you.

I can tell you about the present, though. Your regular host, Cecil Palmer, is off once again. Still missing. I see him on vacation. I see him dead on a train track. I see him tied up in an attic in Jersey City. I see him elected to the state's Senate. I see every single possibility.

However improbable. What is to be done? Nothing. And everything. Here now is Cecil then. A classic episode from the vault. This originally aired June 13th, 1999. Roll the tape.

Talk to the hand. It's lonely and needs company. Welcome to Nightvale. Top story today, Night Vale. I am only seconds away from winning my auction bid. Click refresh and... Yes. I am now the proud of...

owner of a Bearzebub, a cute little plush bear with horns and cloven hooves and pentacles for eyes. That's right. I won an auction from the comfort of my own radio studio. How is that possible, Cecil? Well, listeners, it's possible because of the net. Yes, I've been cybering constantly on the internet. Some of you have only dipped a toe into the shallow end of the World Wide Web, But there's so much more to it than emailing chain letters and helping foreign princes get their fortunes back.

Yes, I'm on a website right now called eBay. If you'd like to see it for yourself, just log on to cyberspace using your modem. You'll need a service provider. I myself am a big fan of America online. I get so excited when I enter the virtual space and I hear that famous phrase, There's some mail for you. Then, open up a web browser and type in H-TTP colon backslash, backslash, www.

eBay.com backslash. People are selling some amazing things on there, like comic books, collectibles, potential evidence in an extortion trial, and gently used Dijon mustard. I'm currently tracking down Beanie Babies. They're getting pretty valuable and since past performance is the only indicator we have for future results, I'm fairly certain these are a surefire investment. I got Bearsabub for $225, which is $150 over the current listed value. But can you imagine what this cute little guy will be worth in, say, 2019?

I have dozens of beanies already. Scullamander, Knife Child, Princess Diana, Hello Kitty, the special English patient edition, and pig carcass are my most valuable. While money is a big part of this hobby, I also really love these little guys. They walk around the house chattering to each other, and me in a cute, squeaky language that I don't understand.

They dance when I play music, sometimes pushing their bodies together in ways that make me uncomfortable. They're like cats, but they never have to pee or poop, and they're not poisonous to the touch. So check out that awesome new page on the web that I told you about. Maybe you can outbid me. Not. Let's have a look at the community calendar. This afternoon, Reverend Robert McLean of the 8th Baptist Church of 19,

we'll be hosting a Stop the Youth March through downtown to protest everything that the youth are doing. Reverend McLean said he wishes to end dancing, drinking, cursing, studying for tests, playing games on Sega Dreamcast, talking, dressing weird, and dressing normal in order to, quote, psych out older generations. This march is open to all ages, and Reverend McLean added he's very hopeful to a attract younger people to the event as youth attendance has been in a pretty steep downward slide at the church. Friday night, get your pacifiers, glow sticks, and herbal ecstasy ready because there will be a rave in the warehouse district featuring Nightville's own DJ Witch Mommy, who will bring two turntables and a magic wand to pump up the jam.

You've not heard beats this good since a few weeks. weeks before you were born. Doors open at 9 p.m., rave ends Monday at sunrise. Saturday is taking a sabbatical, starting this week. So the rare eighth day of the week, Minerva Day will be filling in. Minerva Day is a creative and playful day, though prone to organized warfare. Still, it hopes to live up to the very high expectations Saturday has set as America's favorite day of the week. Saturday will return in the new year. On Sunday, you need to call your parents, Dave.

You haven't talked to them since your birthday, and you owe them at least a thank you for the dead mouse they sent you. I know you found it disturbing, but remember, that's just how cats show their love. This has been the community calendar. There's some mail for you? Listeners, you know what's exciting. Getting an email.

These days, my physical mailbox is only junk mail, like coupons and scam letters and those form letters that say stuff like, Cecil, this is your mother, I never died. Everything you know about me is a lie. Please respond. I need your help. You are my only son. But email? Oh, that's where the excitement is.

I can't ever imagine getting tired of waiting for an email to come in. Like this one, I just received from a dear friend who writes, Cecil, I don't think those are authenticated Beanie Babies you've been buying. The real ones don't move around and chatter. They're just plush animals. I'm worried about your safety. Have any of the creatures you bought tried to attack you? Are they plotting against you?

Please write me back or tell me the answers on the radio. Signed, middle-age woman Josie. Well, Josie, that's a concerning email you sent. I've not been asking for any kind of certificates to verify authenticity. Perhaps I should. I mean, I'd hate to think I've been spending all that money toward retirement on possessing. dolls. Though, I think those carry some value of their own. And to answer your question, I've felt no threat from any of my sentient plushies. I feel like we've bonded quite a bit.

Like I said, they love to dance when I play music, so I try to play some tunes for them every night. They're really adorable. There's some mail for you. Oh, Josie wrote back. She says, I hacked into your eBay account to see where you got them from. You really need a better password than Science Schmiance, by the way. It looks like the seller of these fake beanies is a single person right here in Nightvale. I'm going to investigate more soon. Signed Josie. Well, science is silly.

I'm not sure why I should change my password just because you disagree. Listeners, while we wait to hear back, let's get an update on our missing persons story. Sheriff Dan said Reverend Robert McLean of the 8th Baptist Church of Nightvale is a person of interest in the ongoing investigation into several missing youth in Nightvale. The sheriff said that Reverend McLean is buggin with his perpetual vilification of the youth in Nightvale and that he should chelax. Fun fact listeners, did you know that the popular slang, Chalax, is a portmanteau of chinchilla laxative, which is a special medical treatment to help calm your digestive system? It's not an attractive or pain-free process for you or the chinchilla, but it does help you loosen up and unwind. The sheriff and his secret police also learned that Eighth Baptist is neither affiliated with nor

recognized by the Baptist World Alliance due to the fact that they don't adhere to any Christian tenant. Sheriff Dan said, anyone who has weird beliefs or doesn't fit in should be harassed and investigated, because they're probably doing something wrong. That's called the Fourth Amendment, baby. Sheriff Dan added, So, if anyone knows the whereabouts of Reverend McLean or where he lives, or even where his church is, that'd be great. We can't find our phone book right now. Let me email the sheriff to tell him about the march planned in downtown today.

There's some mail for you. Oh, it's Josie again. She figured out that the person who's been selling these false collectibles is none other than DJ Witchmommie. According to Josie, DJ Witchmommie's popularity is due to, to her fly beats and dope jams, but also because it's rumored that she uses magic to put her audience in a trance. Anyone who hears her smoking tunes can't help but to bust a move. Josie writes, I thought maybe the DJ's spell had an effect on these beanies, so I drove to the

warehouse district and found where she hosts her raves. Using my folding desktop computer and portable generator powered modem, I hacked into the mainframe of some military communications satellites so that I could email you. Cecil, I'm in her warehouse right now. Josie's email continues, I'm opening a door to a storage room. And oh my God, Cecil, there are dozens of those beanie babies in here. They look like they're sleeping. Cecil, this is it. DJ Witch Mommy is turning rave lovers into, wait, get away from me, stop, no, Cecil help, help me. And then Josie's email just cuts off. Uh, Sheriff Dan, if you're listening, go find middle-aged woman Josie in the warehouse district

and save her from that Wiccan turntable list. Listeners, if you're listening, go find out about the weather. Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli-meat products for always 375. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready, with a whole world and more. DJ Witchmommie found Josie snooping around her warehouse and confronted her. Josie exclaimed, you'll never get away with this DJ Witchmommy.

First off, DJ Witchmommy is a stage name. Off the dance floor, I go by Cheryl. Mareno, Cheryl Moreno explained to Josie. My magic wand is a rainstick with glow-in-the-dark paint and a ring pop taped to the end. There's no wizardry here. But you play music that puts people in a trance. Cheryl smiled and said, Thank you?

I mean, I'm good at being a DJ. Kids love to let themselves go at the club. The drugs they take probably help that too. But what about these plushes? toys that can talk and dance and move. Josie asked, how is that possible? Before Cheryl could answer, the door to the warehouse bust open and Sheriff Dan and his secret police burst in. You're under arrest for... The sheriff exclaimed before trailing off. He saw the two women conversing amicably. Uh, well, he stumbled before finally asking Cheryl, did you

attack this lady or what? Oh, it's all a misunderstanding, Cheryl explained. Josie was about to agree with Cheryl and be done with the whole thing when an officer looked into the side room. Sheriff, you gotta see this, the officer said. Cheryl shouted, no, leave them alone. And by them, Cheryl meant the dozens of sentient beanie babies that came walking out into the warehouse,

chattering in a cute little squeaky language no one could understand. Sheriff Dan squealed in fright and skittered back against the wall, screaming, Get them away! Little plush creatures showed no aggression. They only wanted to dance with each other, pressing their bodies together in ways that made everyone else uncomfortable. Still, the toys were clearly not a threat. Cheryl told Josie that these possessed,

Beanie kept showing up to every single dance party she threw. And then they just kept coming here, even when there wasn't a rave. They were happiest when they could be where the dancing happened. At first, Cheryl just wanted to move them on to happy homes, so she started selling them off as collectibles, assuming that people who spent big money would protect these little critters from all harm. But then Cheryl began to question why they existed at all. There were all these missing young people. Cheryl heard it on the news. Plus fewer and fewer human attendees at her raves and more and more dancing beanies.

And then she put it together. I don't have solid proof yet, Cheryl said, but I think Reverend McLean has something to do with it. As she said this, laughter came from the front of the warehouse. It was Reverend Robert McLean and his Eighth Baptist protesters, carrying anti-youth signs and flaming torches. McLean laughed haughtily again like a villain in the final act of a James Bond film and said,

You don't know the half of it, child. See, we at the Eighth Baptist Church, have been developing a machine that will turn young people into fully formed adults. We dream of a future with no children, no teens, not one single person with the wretched behaviors of someone under the age of 30. He laughed again and said, sadly, the machine's not perfect yet, and our human subjects are, well, less than human now. We can't thank you enough, DJ.

for being our honeypot to catch these vermin. Murderer, Cheryl cried. Calm down, girl, the Reverend growled. Only the bodies were destroyed. We stored their souls for safekeeping. You're not the only one with magical powers around here. Y'all, Cheryl pleaded. I'm not actually a witch.

It's just a stage name. Reverend McLean continued, And they're in a place you'll never find them. They're in your Beanie Baby collection. Josie said, How did you know that? The Reverend snapped. Cheryl jumped in and said,

Because they escaped and ran to me. You never counted on the power of dance, Reverend. And now you're going to jail. Reverend McLean smiled and said, Who's going to believe some warehouse? witch over a man of the cloth, huh? Hey, Sheriff? Cheryl added smugly, you catch all that?

Reverend McLean here just confessed to some pretty awful crimes. Reverend Robert McLean had not noticed the sheriff and his secret police standing against the far wall of the warehouse. McLean's face flushed and his jaw stiffened. Sheriff Dan looked up and said, Oh, dang, uh, no, we were talking about. the Knicks' chances against the Spurs this week. Sorry, Reverend. Can you repeat what you said?

Reverend McLean replied, Oh, it's such a long story I'd hate to bore you. No worries, said the sheriff, and he and his men left the warehouse. Reverend McLean turned on Josie and Cheryl. Where are my Beanie Babies? He growled threateningly. Right there, Cheryl said. McLean turned around expecting to see his congregation standing behind him, but they weren't there.

The congregation had been knocked unconscious and piled in the storeroom. Standing behind McLean now were dozens of tiny, but quite powerful, plush toys, holding the church members' torches. Squicheswaka! Is what it sounded like, the creature said, as they chased Reverend McLean into the storage room, locking the door behind them. They let out a little,

Wee! In celebration, and then started grinding up against each other. It's really weird to watch. Josie tells me the folks at 8th Baptist have now been apprehended. I had my sentient beanie babies delivered to show Moreno, and thanks to her diligent efforts, all of the soul-stuffed toys.

boys have been reunited with their families. Cheryl even built them a special dance platform at her raves, because people kept stepping on them. I told Josie that this was all quite an adventure for her, and she said, Cecil, this whole case aged me more than I want to admit. And I said, looks like I'm going to have to start calling you old woman Josie from now on. And we both laughed and time stood still.

like a freeze frame at the end of a TV show. Stay tuned next for a catchy theme song and a credits scroll. Good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kramer, and Bree Williams. Sound design and production by Dissorition. The voice of Leonard Burton is James Urbaniac. The voice of Nightvell.

is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.net. This episode's weather was Candy Cigarettes by Calvin Panetta. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on blue sky at night veil radio. Or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Nightvale Official.

Or buy low and sell high. in order to make money. But mainly check out welcome to nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up-to-date directly from us to you. The billionaires do not care about us. We have to do this together.

Speaking of which, if you are able to, please support us on Patreon. It is our fans directly helping the show happen. And there's all sorts of fun stuff that only happens there, including bonus episodes, monthly Zoom hangouts with the team, and a book club,

led by Jeffrey and Jerry and, Joseph. It's great. Also, please buy Joseph's novel, The Nudge, out September 1st, wherever you buy books. It's available in audiobook performed by Cecil Baldwin and Kevin R. Free. Or in hardcover with creepy illustrations by Jessica Hayworth. You can get both if you want, I won't tell. Today's proverb, you'll understand when you're younger. I would like to thank you for accepting the offered position for the examination and repair expedition out-to-out-post freestead. My God, are you seeing this?

What the fuck? Then go do it then. If we can leave, we need to get moving. This storm is not normal. We must leave. During these storms, travel is not advised. The White Vault. Available for free, however you listen to podcasts.