Welcome to Night Vale - 293 - The Boys (1946)

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

From the archive (1946): Our boys have come home from war. Weather: "Tiny Little Octopus" by The PDX Broadsides⁠⁠ The voice of Leonard Burton is James Urbaniak The voice of Dottie is Meg Bashwiner Original episode art by Jessica Hayworth Episode transcripts Order Night Vale's signature fragrance, Mostly Void Partially Stars, from Sucreabeille Order THE NUDGE by Joseph Fink Listen to UNLICENSED⁠⁠ by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Only on Audible Welcome to Night Vale Roleplaying Game Subscribe to the Night Vale newsletter for news and stories Patreon is how we exist! Music: Disparition Logo: Rob Wilson Written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Cranor & Brie Williams Narrated by Cecil Baldwin Follow us on BlueSky, Facebook, TikTok, Tumblr, and Instagram A production of Night Vale Presents Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, it's Jeffrey Kramer, and I'm here to remind you that my Nightmill co-writer Joseph Think wrote a really incredible horror novella called The Nudge. And as of September 1st, 2026, that book is available to you wherever you get your books. If you get the print version, you've got original scary drawings by Nightville artist Jessica Hayworth. And if you get the audiobook version, you get incredible narration by Kevin R. Free and Cecil Baldwin. The premise, late one night, a wounded man checks into a remote roadside hotel. He's running from something he can't explain or escape. and over the course of a night, he'll tell the hotel's proprietor how his life fell apart. As our narrator's story unfolds, he begins to question whether he's fled far enough.

It's so good. Go get the nudge wherever you get your books. And if you're in California, go see Joseph in person at a bookstore near you. He's at Romans in L.A. on September 1st, Mysterious Galaxy in San Diego on the 15th, Bookshop Santa Cruz on the 28th, Booksmith in San Francisco on the 29th, and Chaucer's books in Santa Barbara on October 6th. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash books for more information

and to reserve your place at these book signings. One more thing before your episode, we've got new merch in our store just in time for autumn. There is a fall-themed sweater and some fuzzy socks with cacti. Welcome to nightville.com and click on store for those.

And hey, thanks. Hello, folks. Well, Leonard still here, but not here. Gone, but still talking. Speaking of gone, Cecil is still missing. Now I said not to be alarmed, but at a certain point, well, I lead it up to you, at a certain point you have to ask yourself,

just what is happening here? Just what is going on? But never fear that you will be without your evening's entertainment. We have today another show from the archive. This one is particularly interesting. It is from the long summer of 1946. The second Great War had ended. Our nation's shattered youth stumbled home from foreign shores,

to a country that had learned to go on without them. Ahead, the prosperity of the American century, behind the despair and destitution of the Great Depression. Great War, the Great Depression, The greatest generation. They really didn't have a lot of variety in adjectives, I suppose. They were there for the beginning of modern history, and they thought it was all great. Even if by that they meant it was bad.

I envy their simplicity. Oh, but I could jabber on forever. I think maybe I only exist when I'm talking. So if I pause for a beat like so, yes, I did not exist for that moment. Fascinating. Well, I suppose then I will return to oblivion rather than bore you. Please enjoy this archived recording, and you might start looking for Cecil. Seems problematic that he has not yet been found.

Not my problem, though. I don't even exist, starting, right? Today is a day that will live in mundanity. Welcome to Night Vale. Boys have come home. After years of war and then more months of post-war organization and peacekeeping, the young men of Nightvale are returning. There is the glint of life in their eyes,

eager to get started with careers and families now that the dark cloud of war has lifted. Sure, have they seen things that will mean they need to do just a little bit of heroin, now and again to keep from mentally collapsing? Who hasn't? And yes, are their dreams, dark tangles of limbs, none of which are attached to anyone, as they swim against the current in a river made of warm and sticky blood? Okay, yes, that is also true. But our boys were brave, and resilient, and now they are carefree job seekers. And look out, ladies, they just might be

interested in relationships with you, despite unresolved tragedies shaping their behavior in ways that caused them to harm themselves or others. Yes, Dawn has returned to America, and this will be America's century, which will hopefully last a whole century, and someone won't foolishly tear down all of our prosperity and power for no reason in, say, 70 years or so. That would be needless and stupid, so I can't see that happening.

More soon on the boys coming home, But first, let's take a look at the community calendar. This Wednesday there will be a green tent in Grove Park. From within will come the scent of exotic and rich spices. You will hear the trilling of beautiful music. The air outside will be perfectly still, but there will be the slightest breeze from the mouth of the tent, and the breeze will be warm and moist.

If you look at the tent long enough, it will almost seem that it is breathing. and if you look deep enough inside, it will almost seem like you see teeth. So I say, yeah, I don't know. Maybe just try going inside. It's probably fine in there. When has a tent ever been bad? Don't be a chicken.

Which is a new slang that comes from the popular phrase chinchilla icking, as in, you're so cowardly, you icked out my chinchilla. On Thursday there will be the official start of the space race. What's a space race? No one knows, but there will be a starting pistol fired and then we'll be off. I guess bring track gear. Friday, we will be peering into orbs and spheres, divining esoteric truths, bring beverages and snacks, pop a beach chair open on the desert sand, and peer into the

orb. See beyond the bounds of our world and beyond the structure of our timeline. There will be toy shovels and cars for the kids to play with as we let our minds wander where our bodies never could. Saturday, the Night Vale Book Club will be meeting to discuss Christopher Isherwood's The Berlin Stories. Topics will include who in the book is good and who is bad, which characters should kiss each other, and if Christopher Isherwood personally believes every single, that he has the bad people say and do. There will also be a special guest lecture on cats from Mr. Fornifer, who is a cat. Last Sunday went so well that we're going to go ahead and do it again this Sunday. One more time from the top.

Monday at the Night Vale Community Theatre local boy made good Artie Miller will be doing a reading of a new play of his called all my sons. Everyone please go and be very nice about it. We're also proud of his little plays. Is this getting through? I can't tell. If you are hearing this, my name is Cecil Gershwin Palmer. I lived with my handsome scientist husband on Whitaker Lane. I wish there was someone to know if this was working. Are you hearing this? Test, test. I knifed a knave and knife. A knife. A knave and knife. Hush, hush, don't play rush, don't play rush in this mall's lush. From which I am trying to awake.

This has been the community calendar. Our boys are really ripping it up and tearing it down as part of their big coming home celebration. Susie Kew's Burgers N-More, out on the main drag, neon lit and full of the smell of frying onions and browning meat, a slab of mint light in the desert darkness. Well, Susie Cues has been full to bursting with our young men, still wearing their uniforms for all the various services. Green army jackets, cute little sailor uniforms for the Navy boys, diving suits for those who fought in the depths of the sea,

their eyes invisible behind the black glass, still dripping with water that smells of sulfur and fear. And the boys are getting in little fights, and breaking dishes and mugs and such. Susie Q called in saying, I'm proud of our boys. I am, but they are doing real damage to the physical structure of the building. And oh, there goes one of the support beams. She added before concluding her call with a blood-curdling scream that got cut off with the empty hiss of a dead telephone line. So it sounds like things are really going wild at Susie Q's Burgers Moore. Other Nightville residents are reporting the boys celebrating in a very variety of fun and cheerful ways. A few of the boys are racing up the side of town hall, climbing with their bare hands,

skittering up it like insects, moving at speeds previously unknown to human climbers. They are hooting to each other, low and hollow, like lips on the edge of a bottle top. The boys on the ground are hooting up to them as well. Every hoot is a slightly different note. Notes unknown to pentatonic or even Heptotone, even heptitonic scales, hundreds of tones each just slightly off from each other, the opposite

of harmony. Boy, now this brings new meaning to a hoot and a holler. I mean, the boys are hooting, and the bystanders are hollering, hollering in terror, flea, and so forth. Now a word from our sponsors. For that we have Dottie, a sentient patch of haze. My old poetable typewriters. Tired of a typewriter that keeps you tied to your desk? Now you can clatter away at the keys in the park, at a friend's house, in the front seat of your town and country convertible, or in the produce section of the A&P. Yes, the Royal Portable Typewriter is the ultimate writing tool for those who can't seem to get it done at home. And don't take our word for it. Here is a quote from celebrity endorser Betty Smith, who says,

A tree grows in Brooklyn. More like a typewriter types wherever the heck you want it to. Take your work on the road. A road is a great flat surface to put a portable typewriter on. Just set down some flyers so the cars don't cream you. Royal portable typewriters. It's not merely a typewriter. It's a full-sized and full-weight typewriter that comes with a suitcase.

Thank you, Dottie. This has been a word from our sponsors. More news from our boys, rambunctious all-American boys that they are. Seth Peters, you know, the farmer, he says the boys have been all up and down his fields, eating up all the wheat, the wheat byproducts, as well as potatoes, carrots, why all the great variety of vegetables that Seth Peters is farming. My fields are ruined, Seth moaned to me through a special phone line that has been laid between his farmhouse, and our community radio station for reasons no one, including me, understands.

Ruined, I say. They won't grow anything for a thousand years. The only thing anyone will be able to farm on this land is imaginary corn. I tried to say something at this point, but Seth just kept talking. And my boy, my poor young boy, what will become of his inheritance? Ruined earth and imaginary corn? That is all. my poor boy, what will be the America that you live in?

I reminded him that he didn't have a son, and he said that he planned to have one eventually, probably, and then I went outside and cut the phone line from his farm so he couldn't contact me anymore. But listen, boys, you simply must tone it down out there. Folks, it's 1946, and we're believing just about anything when it comes to medicine. There is some kind of potion and it comes in bottles and it cures something called ailments. Go ahead and drink that up. Smoking is good for your lungs. Sure. Don't let scientists rain on your parade unless it's one of those rain parades where everyone dresses in swimsuits and dances in the rain.

Those are fun. But medicine is more of an art than a science. Try to stay loose and have a good time out there. We're pretty sure it'll be good for you. Maybe. This has been a message from the night veil. I am trying to return to you. I am.

I am trying. But there are forces beyond my power that... In the heat of their recent victory and the joy of their homecoming, they are tearing apart every building in town with their hands. Some of them are galloping on all four limbs down our city streets, eating the asphalt in huge, lusty gulps as they go. Now, boys, we understand and even applaud the spirit of the celebration, but you simply are taking it too far.

Please, for the good of everyone, let's dial it back a little, shall we? Oh, oh my. It seems the boys are outside the radio station, egging each other on and seeing if they can pick up the entire building. I must go out and confront them. While I do that, let's take a gander at the weather. Octopus, he's trying hard to be anonymous. He says he's just a cool rhinoceros, but that is a lie.

I don't know why he hides legs, and all of them are running to a safe place below the kitchen sink. He's got a good friend who doesn't understand but wants to give him a hand when he's scared. Is it the cat who's always prowling round the front door and wants to get inside? Is it the loud noise from just across the way? Oh, how I wish he would say, but he's scared. A octopus. He's trying hard to be anonymous.

He says he's just a cool rhinoceros, but that is a lie. I don't know why he hides. He's come out and you're so upset. Is it time to change your mind? No, not yet. I don't know what's gotten into him. It's not like the way he used to be. I wish that makes room for me because I don't want to see why I'm scared.

He's trying hard to be anonymous. He says he's just a corinoceros, but that is a lie. I don't know why he hate Lactopus Are to be anonymous rhinoceros but that is a lie I don't know why Do you wish you could just hit skip

On the worst parts of your life You know the same way you can skip an ad I get it I'm Siaiaia and I live in Ice Cove I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned And today I'm still figuring it out Somehow things usually get worse

before they get better Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Don't miss the new season of North of North starting September 8th on CBC Gem. During our weather report, they continued to rend and tear and devour. They partied their way from town limit to town limit, eating the town as they went. The public library and all the librarians within, which was quite a sight to see, I'll tell you. Town Hall.

the house of Rosa and her daughter, little girl Josie. This radio station, me, my body, they ate and eaten. They continued, they ate the desert, and they ate the mountains, howling and laughing, waving American flags, and holding a loft beer bottles glisting with condensation, they ate the roads and the air, they ate the United States, and then continuing, they drank.

the oceans. They ate every living thing within the ocean. They bit into the mantle of the earth and greedily sucked up the magma within. The entire earth was eaten and everyone on it. And the boys continued. They climbed to the moon and they ate it. They ate the sun. They ate the nearest star and the farthest star. They ate nebulars. Somehow they ate the void between the stars. They ate the observable universe and then continued eating past the point where we could observe them. Everything is gone, including me. I am not speaking to you now. You are not there to listen.

None of this is happening because none of it can anymore. I'm back? Hello? Yes? I am back. Oh. Okay. I'm turning off whatever old episode. that was. Some uninteresting filler one, I'm sure. Nothing is more interesting than the present moment.

History should not be considered. Oh, there is so much to tell you. So much has happened. You must know this. But there's the light and my time is up. Oh well, okay, we'll get to it next time. Stay tuned next for a contractually obligated eight days of Christmas music that we didn't get to last Christmas season. And to my community that I am so glad to have returned to, good night. Nightvale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Nightvale presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craneer, and Bree Williams. Sound design and production by disparition. The voice of Leonard Burton was James Urbaniac. The voice of Dottie is Meg Bashwinner. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.net. This episode's weather was Tiny Little Octopus by the PDX Broad Sides. Find out more at the link in our show notes. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com. Or follow us on blue sky at night veil radio. Or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at night veil official or laugh all the way to the bank and then all the way back home and then back

to the bank because there was a problem with your account and we need to speak to you but mainly check out welcome to nightvale.com where we have a twice monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you the internet and the world is less and less for humans and we need to stick together speaking of which if you're able to please support us on patreon we We appreciate it so much, and there's all sorts of rewards, but the biggest reward is that you are why this show continues to get made. Also, please buy Joseph's novel, The Nudge, which is out today, this very day, wherever you buy books. It's available in audiobook performed by Cecil Baldwin and Kevin R. Free, or in hardcover with creepy illustrations by Jessica Hayworth. You are going to love this one.

Today's proverb, enough with the ice cream Sunday. We have the technology to create an ice cream Saturday or even an ice cream Wednesday. And we only lack the courage to do it. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siaia and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned.

And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better Apparently, that's how I roll So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride Don't miss the new season of North of North Starting September 8th on CBC Gem Hello everyone, but I would like to thank you for accepting the offered position for the examination

and repair expedition out-to-outpost freestead My God, are you seeing this? I'm gonna do it then If we can leave, we need to get moving. This storm is not normal. We must leave. During these storms, travel is not advised. The White Vault. Available for free, however you listen to podcasts.