Welcome to Night Vale - 3 - Station Management

Episode Date: July 15, 2012

It's contract renewal time with station management, and negotiations get tricky. Plus, a new city litter initiative, books stop working, and a creeping fear comes to town! Weather: "Bill & Annie" by Chuck Brodsky, chuckbrodsky.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

The Arctic is lit by the midnight sun. The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the earth. Our little town is lit too by lights just above that we cannot explain. Welcome to Night Vale. The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that they will be cutting back their publication schedule to Monday through Thursday only due to the economic downturn and a massive decline in the literate population. The Thursday Daily Journal will now be called the weekend edition, and on Sundays, newspaper kiosks, usually filled with important newsprint, will be filled with 2% milk. When asked why milk, the journal's publishing editor Leanne Hart said,

It is important that we maintain an unbiased approach to news reporting. The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the new Night Vale Stadium. next to the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. The stadium will be able to seat 50,000, but we'll be closed all nights of the year except November 10th for the annual parade of the mysterious hooded figures, in which all of our favorite ominous hooded figures, the one that lurks under the slide in the Night Vale Elementary Playground,

the ones that meet regularly in the dog park, and the one that will occasionally openly steal babies, and for reason no one can understand, we all stand by and let him do it. All of them will be parading proudly through Night Vale Stadium. I tell you, with these new facilities, it promises to be quite a spectacle. And then it promises to be a vast, dark, and echoy space

for the other meaningless 300,000. 64 days of the year. Here at the radio station, it's contract negotiation season with the station management again. That's always an interesting time. Now, obviously, I'm not allowed to go into details, but negotiation is tricky when you're never allowed to glimpse what you're negotiating with. Station management stays inside their office at all times, only communicating with us that through sealed envelopes that are spat out from under the door like a sunflower shell through teeth.

Then, in order to respond, you just kind of shout at the closed door and hope that management hears. Sometimes you can see movements through the frosted glass, large shapes shifting around, strange tendrils whipping through the air. Architecturally speaking, the apparent size of management's office does not physically make sense given the size of the building, but it's hard to say, really, as no one has ever seen the actual office, only its translucence. Look, I've probably said too much. I can see down the hall that an envelope just came flying out. I pray it's not another HR retraining session in the dark box.

But what can I say? I'm a reporter at heart. I can't not report. Oh, my. Let's go to the seven-day outlook. Your daily shades of the sky forecast. Monday. Turquoise. Tuesday.

Tope. Wednesday. Robin's egg. Thursday. Turquoise tope. Friday. Coal dust. Saturday. Coal dust with chances of indigo in the late afternoon. Sunday. Void. The City Council has asked me to remind everyone about the new drive to clean up litter. Night Vale is our home, and who wants to leave trash all over their home? Put it in the garbage can listeners,

and if you see any trash around, pick it up. and throw it away. Do your part. Unless the trash is marked with a small red flag. The council has asked me to remind you that any litter marked with a red flag is not to be picked up or approached. Remember the slogan, no flag goes in the bag. Red flag, run. Listeners, we are currently fielding numerous reports that books have stopped.

working. It seems that all over night veil books have simply ceased functioning. The scientists are studying one of the broken books to see if they can understand just what is going on here. The exact problem is currently unclear, but some of the words being used include sparks, meat smell, biting, and lethal gas. For your own safety, please do not attempt to to open a book until we have more information on the nature and cause of these problems. The City Council has released only a brief statement, indicating that their stance on books has not changed, and that, as always, they believe that books are dangerous and inadvisable, and should not be kept in private homes.

Another warning for Night Vale residents. Sources say that the used and discount sporting goods store on Flint Drive, is a front for the world government. This is based on extensive study of the location, and also because it has a black helicopter pad on which black helicopters regularly depart and land, fairly unusual for a used and discount sporting goods store. We sent our intern, Chad, to try buying a tennis racket, and have not heard back from him for several weeks. This brings me to a related point. To the parents of Chad, the intern.

We regret to inform you that your son was lost in the line of community radio duty, and that he will be missed and never forgotten. May you all feel blessed to have the family that you have. And if you're looking for sporting goods, check out Play Ball right over by our own Night Vale Community Radio Station. Play Ball is only a front for the Sheriff's Secret Police, and so can be completely trusted. Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town,

reported that a creeping fear came into Night Vale today. He felt at first as a mild apprehension, then a growing worry, and finally a mortal panic. It passed from him to the employees at the car lot, who crouched behind their cars and cast fearful eyes at the empty sky. It did not affect old woman Josie, presumably because of her angelic protection,

but it went from there to the rest of the town until we all were shivering in anticipation for a terrible thing we could not yet see. I myself was frozen, sure that any movement would lead to death, that any word would be my last. Of course, that also could have been the contract negotiations with station management and the hideous envelope I just received. Also, I'm battling Lyme disease.

Meanwhile, the creeping fear passed, first, leaving Larry Leroy out on the edge of town, and then the car lot, where they went back to offering gently used cars at affordable prices, and finally the rest of us, who could go back to living with the knowledge that, at any given moment, we will either live or die, and it's no use guessing which. It is not currently known where the creeping fear will go next. Hopefully, to Desert Bluffs, it would serve them right. Two hawkeyeed listeners sent in reports that Carlos, our curious scientific visitor, was seen getting his beautiful, beautiful haircut.

He was having his gorgeous hair shorn. Cut! Cut short! So very short from his perfectly shaped, brilliant head. Listeners, I am not one to gossip even if it is a local celebrity, but please explain to me why Carlos would strip away, decimate any part of his thick black hair, not to ignore the dignified, if premature, touch of gray in the temples. What treacherous barber should agree to such depravity? Who takes mere money, or even soulless joy in depriving our small community? of such a simple but important act as lordly admiring Carlos' stunning quaff. Reports from two intrepid sources are that it was Telly the Barber. Telly, who likes sports and has posters of combs.

Telly the Barber seems to be the one who betrayed our community. Telly the Barber. It is Telly the Barber at the corner of the community. southwest 5th Street and Old Musk Road, with the red and white spinning pole and the sign that says Telly's. Telly is about five foot nine with a small mustache and a thick pot belly. He talks with an accent and sneers. Telly the barber cut Carlos' beautiful hair, according to reports. Telly. Now, while I gather myself, let's have a look at traffic.

Oh, wow. Well, that looks pretty good. Yep. Yes. Okay, not too bad there either, I see. Oh, that gentleman needs to slow it down. It is not a race, my friend. Not a literal one anyway.

That has been traffic. And now for an editorial. I don't ask favors much, dear listeners, that you know, but I'm asking all of you now to conduct a letter-writing campaign to station management, which was not pleased with my discussion of their physical attributes and behavior, and is now threatening to shut down my show, or possibly my life. for good. Their wording was kind of ambiguous. Obviously, we will not be able to deliver the letters directly to the management,

per se, as no one has ever opened their door, but we can shout the content of the letters outside their office, and we presume, given an anatomy that includes ears, they will be able to hear what you have to say. So if you like this show, and you want to hear more of it, Then we need to hear from you. Make your voice heard to whatever it is that lies and wait behind that darkened office door. Oh, um, I'm sorry, dear listeners.

We'll be back after this word from our sponsors. This segment has been brought to us by Big Rico's Pizza. Listeners, we are proud to have Big Ricos as a sponsor of our show. You will not find a better pizza joint in all of NightVey. than Big Rikos. Just the other night, I stopped by Big Rikos. I was in the mood for a delicious pizza slice, and since Big Rikos is the only pizza place and night veil

that is not burnt to the ground in an unsolved arson case, and did I mention is also the best pizza in town, I ordered a single RICO slice with two authentic toppings, and boy was I satisfied. The flavor was scrumptious. The taste was also scrumptious. And it was warm, the pizza slice? I have been told that even the hooded figures eat there.

The wait staff look like they avert their hollow gazes quite a bit. Even the city council offers its ringing endorsement of Big Rikos. All Nightvale citizens are mandated to eat at Big Rikos once a week. It is a misdemeanor not to. Big Rico's Pizza No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks. No one. Nurse.

Peaches, roadside stand. Man said his name was Bill. I said I'm Chuck and Mrs. Annie. He said Annie was the one, only true love of his life. And they met at his wedding. But by then he had the reception in the spring of 64. She is newly where his best friend followed him out the bar room. Maybe his ring got smaller

Maybe his finger swelled Maybe he'd made a big mistake Maybe time would I do Bill was at loss Wondering now what should he do He did what he had to He'd just taking a wife She would take good care of him

For the rest of her And he fought the urge He saw each other off him coffin. She was there in black, but Daybill's wife laying her coffin. By then she'd gotten married. By then she'd move her. She'd ask Bill for his blessings. She said her was old. Cut her seecha slice. They were little on the small side. They sure tasted nice. You think I did the right thing? Bill asked. though I knew he knew

so I answered with a question I asked him build to you nice to meet you Chuck and Annie and I we drove away and Annie's pickup truck with a box of 20 peaches and a homegrown tomato two and a couple of things to think about

and every now and then I do my microphone and I'm currently hiding in the fetal position. Did you write letters? Asian management has opened its door for the first time in my memory and is now roaming. That is when I took cover under my desk

and I can only hope that they are not listening to what's going out right now or else I may have sealed my fate. Footstep and a faint hissing sound like releasing the steam. An intern went to see what management wanted and has not returned. If you are related to Jerry,

Hartman. Afternoon board operator at Night Vale Community Radio, I'm sorry to inform you that he is probably dead or at least corporeally absorbed into management permanently. Jerry and Chad, the interns will both be missed, but we will surely see them in the Thanksgiving Day Dead Citizens Impersonation Contest, which this year will be in the employee lounge under the Night Vale Mall from 11 a.m. to 9.45 p.m. There will be a cash bar and two twister boards. Let's see if I can make a... It's been a pleasure.

Good night, Night Vale. And goodbye. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.com. This episode's weather was Bill and Annie by Chuck Brodsky.

Find out more at chuckbrodsky.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightville.com for more information on this show, as well as info about the various Nightnail books. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That would help us a bunch. Today's proverb, there's a special place in hell.

It's really hip. Very exclusive. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 2026, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th.

This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveil.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad.

get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.