Welcome to Night Vale - 32 - Yellow Helicopters

Episode Date: October 1, 2013

There are strange new helicopters above Night Vale, different than the other helicopters that regularly hover over town. Plus, Community Health Tips, surgery for NVHS's starting quarterback, and a message from Hiram McDaniels. Guest voice: Jackson Publick Weather: "Palabras de papel" by Nelson Poblete, nelsonpoblete.com. Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have

all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

A Lonely Heart. A wandering eye, an empty stomach, a shoulder to cry on. This is what makes us us. Welcome to Nightvale. Sad news, listeners. Old woman Josie says that the angels who have been living with her, helping around the house and ultimately protecting her from all evils, have disappeared. It's hard to say just how sad this news is

for two important reasons. One, angels are not real. And two, we are not allowed to know about their existence or hierarchical structure. Josie called this weekend and spoke to Vithya, our station intern. She said that the angels often leave her for a few hours or days at a time, but they've never been gone for three straight weeks. She thinks that they are off fighting an important war for good, but she's worried that maybe she just made them mad, or bored. Angels get bored very easily, Josie said, which is strange because they are eternal and there is a lot of downtime during immortality.

Vithia told Josie that angels aren't real and that we cannot know such things about them. But this just made Vithya cry, because if you talk about angels, and you are one who has been secretly chosen by angels, for special angelic purposes, you will start crying. Vithya has been sobbing quite a bit this morning, as a matter of fact. I keep asking her, are you okay? But she just says, angels aren't real, and then buries her heaving face into her inner elbow and runs off.

Dear listeners, it appears the angels, if they are real and they are not, have left Night Vale. And none of us are allowed to know this. So, forget I said anything. The Night Vale Medical Board wants to know, Are you Heart Healthy? How healthy is your heart? Have you ever checked? Doctors recommend checking your heart at least once a year.

Simply separate the skin on your upper chest and break open the ribs. Here's a tip. If you don't have a bone saw handy, just sterilize any old electric saw. you might have in your workshed. Right behind your ribs, kind of to the left, is a potato-shaped muscle lump, filled with straw and maybe some insects. That's your heart! Pull that out and sew your chest back up. Wash your heart in warm water, pat dry with a paper towel, and roll flat on a flowered surface, brown both sides in a saute pan and eat immediately. Remember, a healthy heart is a healthy life.

This has been community health tips. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been getting reports that several yellow helicopters have been seen hovering above town. We are all aware of the black helicopters, which are world government, and blue helicopters, which are secret police, and the helicopters with detailed murals of diving birds of prey, which are the helicopters that took all the children in Night Vale away a few months ago. We still don't know what those helicopters are, but they did bring all the children back unharmed and much more well-behaved than before, so they are deemed just as safe as the other helicopters. But these new yellow helicopters, no one quite knows.

They tend to hover in packs of three or more in fixed locations for several minutes before moving on. The city council has said that the helicopters are our guests, and they should be treated as such. but added that the helicopters, more specifically, are uninvited guests and should be treated with fear, hatred, and uncontrolled panic. If you have any more information on these yellow helicopters, keep it to yourself. There's no question they can hear every move, every sentence you make. Be quiet and stay inside. They already know.

Let's go now to sports. After a second straight loss this weekend, Night Vale High School football coach, Nazer al-Mujahid expressed some concern over senior quarterback Michael Sandero's poor play. Last season, the Scorpions won the division title under Sandero's leadership, and special powers he had.

acquired from multiple lightning strikes. One such advantage was the second head he had grown, which helped him see rushing linebackers and get better reads on zone coverage. But in the off season, Sandero had one of his heads surgically removed, leaving him with only the head that speaks Russian. Angry fans speculate that because Sandero no longer looks like, his original self, and because he no longer speaks English nor Spanish, he does not have the same rapport with his teammates. When asked whether or not Sandero was losing the respect of his team, Coach Almujahid said, Our boys play together. Our boys play good games. We want to. And here he paused, clearly upset with his star quarterback's decision to get

off-season surgery without consulting team trainers. We want to be good football boys, he concluded. The coach then reached his fingers into his mouth, pulling his tongue slowly out, slowly, slowly, not stopping. He kept pulling his seemingly endless tongue out, staring at the reporters the whole time. After he stretched it to about two feet,

the last reporter left the room clearly shaken. The coach remained in his office quietly and with wide eyes pulling out his enormous tongue. Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, says that just this morning he was visited by a man in a tan jacket who carried a deer-skin suitcase. Larry said the man approached his farm and asked about how much sunshine he had been getting.

I told him, John Peters, you know the farmer? His imaginary corn crop had been good this summer, and the sun seemed to be doing just fine, Larry said. Although some days there's no sunrise at all, and on other days the sunrise is extremely loud. Larry added that this was a pretty strange question, asking about how much sunshine he'd been getting, as the sun comes up every day,

save those two or three sunless days last week. Larry said he was a nice enough fellow, though, named Emmett. Larry said he couldn't remember exactly what Everett looked like, nor what his last name was. When asked who ever it was, Larry replied, the fellow in the tan jacket. When told he just said the man's name was Emmett, Larry replied, Yes, Ernest, I said that. Don't bog me down, son. Then he slapped the reporter's tape recorder making the following loud thumping noise.

Larry said that after the man left his home, he saw a dark black line in the the sky, coming from the heavens down to near where old woman Josie lives, down by the old car lot. He said, he thinks it was probably something to do with those weird, tall friends of hers that fly around and make loud trumpet noises and will not stop smiling all the time. When asked if he meant angels, Larry replied, don't bog me down, son. and then started weeping. Angels aren't real.

Larry said, through quick breaths and incomprehensible tears, as part of our service to our town, Night Vale Community Radio is taking another moment to allow one of the candidates for mayor to make a brief statement. The following is from Hiram McDaniels. Hi, I'm Hiram McDaniels. You've heard a lot of things from my opponent about how the night sky is beautiful but sad and how siege brush is a very important smell.

You've also heard that I am literally a five-headed dragon. All of that is completely correct. But what you haven't heard is that I'm literally a five-headed dragon? Who cares? Now, this is also my campaign slogan. I'm literally a five-headed dragon. Who cares? What you haven't heard is that I care about small business owners.

What you haven't heard is that I care about the future of our children. What you haven't heard is that I care about the future of our small children business owners. Have you ever heard the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home say that? No, you haven't. Really, you shouldn't be able to hear her say anything at all. She doesn't have a mouth. I have five now What you haven't heard is

Do you hear the beating of my terrible wings? Do you feel the flames lick at the corners of a life you once thought belonged to you? Sorry about that. My green head got excited. We all have human foibles. I don't. I'm literally a five-headed dragon. What you haven't heard is my new plan for an expanded park system

and more youth sports program. And you will never hear it? Buried in a secret place? That's a good point, Purplehead. Zell vote for me. Iron McDaniel. The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home is all about politics as usual. Also, she doesn't have a mouth, and that's weird.

A stillness touches the most frantic heart as we all look up in awe and terror. A sudden shout of fire! And all is forgiven. A gentle touch of flame. And all is as if. It never was. Ira McDaniel, what you haven't heard, can't hurt you. Listeners, we received word from Old Woman Josie that half a dozen yellow helicopters are circling her home at this moment.

She also said that she's receiving no sunlight. She says all of her clocks tell her it's the middle of the day, but that she is receiving no sunlight. And yes, I'm looking at our own station clocks, including the wristwatch Carlos gave me for our one-month anniversary. The watch, he said, is the one true timepiece in all of Night Vale, and it is indeed the middle of the day. I have only been on the air a few minutes, and before I arrived in this studio, the sun was definitely out. No clouds in the sky. Josie also told us that she used her old opera glasses to look more closely at the helicopters. Just an aside for our younger listeners,

Josie was the chairwoman of the Night Vale Opera for many years, until it folded, in the early 1990s, when a massive puppy infestation destroyed the theater's infrastructure. Josie said each helicopter has a large triangular logo with an orange S in the middle. She doesn't know what that means, but she thinks the darkness enveloping her home is the angel's last act to try to protect her. Wherever they have gone, they have left behind a protective shade, keeping out the helicopters and all other dark forces.

I reminded her that angels aren't real, and she said, as if I hadn't even interrupted, that if she falls, so does this town. There was a long pause. And then she said, We never go bowling anymore, Cecil. Why is that? I don't know, I reflected.

There has been a tiny underground, army living under the bowling alley, and they've declared war on all of us. They injured my new boyfriend. Also, I have a new boyfriend. Listen, we should totally get the team back together and go to league night again just like old times. I would like that, Cecil, she said. But then her voice slowed, turning cold, as if we were strangers with wrong numbers. I'm afraid the sunlight has come back, and the phone went silent. Listeners, I do not know what is happening or to whom these helicopters belong, but I do know that we must protect our town, Night Vale,

protect it from all outsiders, whether they are flying machines or tiny war-mongering civilizations, or simply neighbors who don't say the Pledge of Allegiance loudly enough. I hope Josie is safe I hope you are safe I hope we all live to see tomorrow's sunrise or whatever day the next

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Vithya Who went Downtown to the City Records Office She said she found several Emmets, Everett's, and Ernest's, but there was one particular file that stuck out to her. And she copied that file, and put that copy in her backpack, and then walked out into the street,

ready to begin her investigation into the identity of the man in the tan jacket. But, according to witnesses, Vithia found herself caught up in what looked like, a strong wind. She lifted slightly off the ground. Witnesses all agreed that she began to elongate. She began to glow a deep black, a dark pulsing aura. And amidst the sounds of bold trumpets and melancholy cellos and even the haunting call of a muted French horn, Vithia ascended. to heaven. To the family of Vithya, let me say that she was a very good intern, and while angels are not real, we are certain she is in a better place, whatever that place might be. She has become a better thing, whatever that thing might be. Know that your daughter

did not die in vain, and perhaps, given the tenuous, reality of existence, she may not have died at all, for it's debatable whether any of us ever truly live. The witnesses all agreed that Vithya was no longer real, and that we were no longer allowed to know anything about her. It was a lovely sight, said one witness. I cannot even describe the beauty of her ascension, said another. You kind of did, though, said another witness who was wearing a fedora. By saying you cannot describe something that is a sort of apophysis, a perillipsis, if you will, which gives the object an implied description through non-description.

He continued. Plus, the word indescribable carries with it a universal connotation, and is itself a description. Here, let me explain. But the other witnesses moved a little ways up the sidewalk so they could no longer hear the man. They said nothing to one another. They just stood in a circle, sharing the knowledge that they had seen something they should never have seen. They looked one another in the eyes. They breathed in unison.

They smiled politely, intimately, knowingly, until one of them. them. In fact, each of them as individuals decided that the moment had passed, and they parted ways. They will likely never see the others again, and if they do, they will be but unacquainted pedestrians. But before they left, the witnesses said that some low-flying yellow helicopters began dropping orange leaflets onto the city streets. The leaflets read, StrexCorp, Sinternists, Inc. Look around you.

Strex. Look inside you. Strex. Go to sleep. Strex. Believe in a smiling God. StrexCorp. It is everything.

Oh, oh no. Dear listeners, we must issue an apology. Those helicopters are completely safe. Even safer than safe. In fact, StrexCorp recently bought our little radio station from the mysterious unseen forces who founded it centuries ago. I'm glad to know that Josie will be okay and that StrexCorp has come to Nightvale.

Rest easy, listeners, knowing that this was all just a simple misunderstanding. But now we fully understand everything that is happening and we are not misunderstanding anything else at all. We are completely... Safe. Stay tuned next for the sound of slow, steady dripping and occasional screams. Good night, Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Public. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be

found at disparition. info or at disparation.com. This episode's weather was Palabra's Day Papel by Nelson Poblette. Find out more at Nelsonpoblette.com. Comments, questions, email us at nightvail at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool. of you. Today's proverb, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparation. These tours are so much fun and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know

what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.