Welcome to Night Vale - 4 - PTA Meeting

Episode Date: August 1, 2012

Last night's PTA meeting accidentally opens a rift in spacetime, and Night Vale faces the consequences. Plus, changes afoot at the Night Vale Daily Journal, controversy at Radon Canyon, and our annual high school football preview! Weather: "Closer" by The Tiny, thetiny.net Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about

every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. It's something else here now, something new.

From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus.

The sun has grown so very, very old. How long cold, fading death. How long? Welcome to Night Vale. Our top story. Last night's Night Vale PTA meeting ended in bloodshed, as a rift in space-time split open in the Main Street Recreation Center Auditorium, setting loose several confused and physically aggressive tyrannadons.

The glowing portal remained open and shrieked incessantly, an unholy sound that witnesses say resembled noisy, urchin children, caught in a combine harvester, and then slowed down and amped up through some kind of open source, easy-to-use audio-editing software. The Tyrannadon's mostly attacked women with glasses. Authorities are still unsure why, as Nightveil's only flying dinosaur expert, Joel Eisenberg, still has not recovered from last year's bout with throat spiders. It took most of an hour to corral the panicked beasts back into the vortex and resume the meeting, which had mostly been about recent lunchroom price hikes, and had devolved into name-calling because Susan Wilman

called Diane Creighton's son, Josh, a bit tubby, and that maybe he needs a financial incentive to eat a bit less. In this reporter's opinion, Susan Wilman is dangerously obsessed with the New York Times best-selling Freakonomics books. Dangerously so. Fortunately, no one was injured or killed in the incident, although experts from Timothy's Auditorium Repair Contractors, Inc., estimates close to $750,000 in damage has been done to the Rec Center Auditorium, and that cost includes free storm windows and a complementary seasonal insulation. consultation. It's election season again, and you know what that means. Sheriff's secret police will be coming by to collect certain family members so that everyone votes for the correct

council seats and there's no confusion. These family members will be held in a secure and undisclosed location, which everyone knows is the abandoned mine shaft outside of town. But don't let the name fool you listeners. It's been used for years for so many kidnappings and illegal detentions that the abandoned mine shaft outside of town is actually a pretty nice location these days, featuring king-sized beds, free Wi-Fi and HBO. Also, torture cubicles, but I don't think anyone's going to make the council use those. Remember, this is America. Vote correctly, or never see your loved ones again. This message brought to you by the City Council.

The Night Vale Daily Journal today announced that due to the recent economic downturn, they will start running ads on the front page. Any business interested in running one of these platinum premium ads should contact editor Leanne Hart. Hart mentioned that they have also created a write-your-own-new-newsstreet. program for interested citizens. Because every writer has been laid off, the Daily Journal now needs these community contributions to supply Night Vale with important news and features. The first platinum premium ad runs next Monday and features the terrified face of an infant

primate with a superimposed spoon that has been stone sharpened to a rough point, and the tagline Better use Tide. Hart also said that last year's explosion that decimated the Daily Journal's distribution plant is still totally an accident and would like her insurance rep to call her back. Please, call her back. This just came across the wire. The secret police have issued a new statement shedding more light onto last night's PTA meeting incident. The noisy portal and subsequent dinosaur attack that brutally interrupted discussion of swing-sit repairs on the elementary school playground,

stayed open long after Recreation Center employees thought they had rounded up all of the ancestral avian beasts, and authorities warn, there is still at least one more Tyrannadon on the loose. Citizens should cover themselves with a low SPF sunscreen, and hide in a tiled bathroom. Several curious handball players in the court next to the auditorium actually popped their heads into the portal just to see what was on the other side of the vortex and came back dramatically changed.

The players aged several thousand years in what bystanders experienced as only a few seconds. Those handball players now straddle the unendentive enviable border of millennially wizened and cripplingly insane. Since psychological and emotional damages are no longer considered valid claims by the greater medical insurance community, we are still reporting zero injuries. We'll update you as further details surface in our special ongoing and very special coverage of Tyrannadon Attack Gate.

Are we safe from dinosaurs? No way. City Council has asked me to read the following message. If you notice strange oras around any of the following objects in your house, Blender, Showerhead, Dog, Husband, Wife, Table, Chair, Doornob, Baseboard, Vacation Souvenirs or Photos, collectibles of any kind, especially those depicting or involving horses, DVDs, Especially cliffhanger, there's something about Mary and the Wire 4th season, and any bagged lettuce from California or Mexico, please, report to the Council for indefinite detention.

Speaking of the City Council, it voted this week to remove the large lead-plated door from the northeasternmost crook of Radon Canyon. You know, the area pulsing with green light and Soda Voce Basso, humming. Proponents of the measure called the large yellow emblem and red lettering that spelled out, danger, plutonium, do not open door, risk of death, were, at worst, an offensive eyesore, and, at best, a hacky, sci-fi cliche. Many Night Vale citizens attended the meeting, including it was said several angels. Although no angel is admitted to have been present for the council meeting or any other event ever for that matter. Old woman Josie agreed with the measure,

adding that lead is a health hazard and that the old door was nothing but a ticking time bomb. According to the meeting minutes, Josie said, that old door, ooh, that door, someone's going to get some kind of lead poisoning. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Someone's going to get some kind of lead poisoning. Carlos, beautiful Carlos, tragically shorn of his locks, reportedly was the only dissenting voice, but it is not clear he actually opposed the measure as the minutes only report him stating, there is no time, no more time, into a black rectangle in his hand, and then running, winded from the community hall. According to Old Woman Josie, he was still absolutely perfect and smelled of lavender chewing gum. More breaking news on the Tyrannadons.

We humbly offer the following retractions from our previous reports. Secret police are now reporting that the offending beasts were not Tyrannadons after all, but pterodactyls. Also, Tyrannadons aren't even. dinosaurs, as this station previously stated, just winged reptiles that lived about 70 million years after pterodactyls. Finally, earlier we reported a death toll of zero, when, in fact, the number is closer to 38. We regret these errors. It's almost football season, and the night veil scorpions are gearing up for a defense of their high school division title. But really, as long as we beat Desert Bluffs, fans and hooded figures alike will feel just fine.

Coach Nazar al-Mujahid told reporters he's particularly excited for the progress junior quarterback Michael Sandero made during the offseason, after that sentient lightning bolt struck him and gave him the strength of two jeeps and the intelligence of a heavily concussed René Descartes. But, if Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy. Last year, Sandero only completed two out of 130 pass attempts, most notably because he was in advanced stages of cerebral palsy, and because his throwing hand had been removed, due to several overdue libraries. library books. Apparently, the off-season lightning strike had healed Sandero of his terminal ailments and court-ordered amputations, and he's ready to take on Desert Bluffs, which is probably the worst team ever. God, they're dreadful. And now an editorial. Let's talk for a moment

about apartment building etiquette. Now I myself live in an apartment building, and there is a compassion and acceptance you have to have for a certain level of annoyance. It's people in close proximity to each other, and so there will be some things that you don't like and still have to let go. But other things are absolutely unacceptable.

For instance, a certain level of strange radiating light or heat on shared walls is expected. But any oozinges or visible membranes are rude and thoughtless to all of your neighbors. Gibbering, howling, and chants in long-dead languages are the kind of thing that is fine at 1 p.m., but absolutely not fine at 1 a.m. We are all in this together. Put your trash in the cans, not in the cans. the hallway leading to the cans. Put on some clothes when standing in front of your windows,

and keep any rituals or crazed experiments to hours in which no one is trying to sleep. It doesn't have to be hard. We have a very unexpected treat today, dear listeners. Live in the studio, we have one of the mysterious hooded figures often seen around town. We did not actually invite him here. He just was a little. waiting for us when we unlocked the studio this morning. He has not moved nor spoken since then, and I'll be honest. I am only guessing that he is a he, because physical attributes are hard to determine under these robes, and the face is entirely hidden in shadow as empty and as black as the void of space. But hey, we're doing radio. He's in a radio station. Let's see if we can get an interview.

Mr. Hooded figure, how are you doing today? Ah, okay. Care to comment on the recent expansion of the Forbidden Dog Park? Any comments at all? Anything you'd like to tell the ordinary folk of Night Vale about your organization? Listeners, I'm sure you can hear this. It's not a problem with your radio or our transmitters. The Hooded figure is making those noises

in our studio. It's pretty deafening, actually. All right, I don't think he's going to stop, and he started to levitate. So, let's go to the weather. Now I'm thinking maybe I was dumb. I felt my feet left off. And my heart was screaming.

Shingy, ease in. Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received word from secret police that the rip in space time that opened at last night's PTA meeting has been sealed at last. The final missing pterodactyl has been returned to its own timeline in either prehistoric or alternate universe night veil. The creature's lifeless body was found a dozen yards outside of the dog park entrance, stripped of of all flesh, and with most of the organs inverted, and strung around its exposed skull, like an old-fashioned soft meats crown, as worn by the 18th century religious leaders who settled our fair berg. The dinosaur's body was returned to the vortex, the gateway closed, and the PTA meeting rescheduled for next Tuesday at 6 p.m. That meeting will continue to address the

important issue of backpacks and whether or not they are causing autism. There will also be a memorial service for the 38 parents and teachers who lost their lives in the attack, followed by a raffle. Remember, winners must be present at the time of the drawing to claim their prizes. City Council and Secret Police have issued a reminder that Night Vale citizens of all species, and all geologic eras are not to enter, look at, or think too long about the dog park. This reminder, they say, is completely unrelated to anything that may or may not have happened today. Coming up next, stay tuned for our one-hour special Morse Code for Trumpet Quintets. And listeners, Night Vale is an eight-vail.

ancient place, full of history and secrets, as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life and of us. If you can hear my voice speaking live, then you know we are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that? listeners, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at disparition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Closer by The Tiny. Find out more at The Tiny.net. comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show as well as amazing and weird night veil stuff you can buy. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. It's what keeps this show running.

Today's proverb, What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don't know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send out. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.