Welcome to Night Vale - 43 - Visitor

Episode Date: March 15, 2014

An adorable new visitor makes its way into the radio studio. Plus, controversy in the mayoral race, an update on the house that doesn’t exists, and a look the community calendar. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. Weather: "Cover Me Up" by Jason Isbell, jasonisbell.com. Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do Best Worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Listen to your heart. You can hear it deep under the earth, creaking and heaving, with roots snapping and birds flapping.

quickly away. Welcome to Nightvale. There's a visitor in my studio today. No one you know, no one I know, not even a thing you or I know. It is, um, I am unsure what it is. Let me describe it. Imagine a duck, but just the eyes. No, larger than. than that. Really large duck eyes. Now imagine fur, puffy fur, like a bear cub. Soft and tan, and a thick round belly, and no real discernible arms or legs, just little nubs that flit about as it slowly moves across the floor. Oh my God, it's adorable! I wish you could see this thing. Oh! It just made a noise. Oh, did you hear that, listeners? Like a mouse squeak meets a bike horn meets a sincere question about love. Oh, what a cute surprise. Many of you remember a couple

years back, we here at the station found a stray cat in the men's restroom. We named him Coshek. Koshak is still in the men's bathroom as he always has been, and presumably always will be, hovering exactly four feet off the ground at a fixed point in space. Koshak has been a real anchor for us here at the station. We built him a special litter box and feeding dish because of his distinctive physical state. And I have just been in love with that cat. I've never been a cat guy, but Koshak, ah, he's the sweetest boy. Now, this new, whatever, it doesn't move much.

His big, dark eyes, oh God, they're so charming, just staring, pleading. Well, it's not really doing much. I think it's scared. Let's let it be for now. and I'll get us to the news. Controversy is plaguing the mayoral race here in Nightvale. After Pamela Winchell announced her surprise resignation from the post last spring, two frontrunners for Night Vale mayor have been polling neck and necks,

the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, and Hiram McDaniels, who is, literally a five-headed dragon. Supporters of the faceless old woman are claiming that while officially acquitted of insurance fraud, evidence suggests that Hiram is in possession of a stolen truck. They checked the registration of his vehicle and found that it belonged to one Frank Chen, who was found dead nearly two years ago. Frank's body was covered in claw and scorch marks, and the coroner gave the cause of death as,

Dragon, at least three heads. Hiram denies that he stole the truck and says that Frank is a friend and is totally not dead. Frank was probably just fooling around with all those weird injuries, McDaniels claimed. His campaign fired back at the faceless old woman, saying that since her origin is lost to distant history and she has no birth certificate, she is not able to prove that she's an American citizen.

Election Day is June 15th. Votes will be cast, but not tabulated, as the mayor is, of course, decided by counting and interpreting the loud pulses coming from Hidden Gorge. Let's have a look now at traffic. There's a silver pickup, full-sized, well-worn, tall, long. The windows are gray with dry dirt. The tires are lined with firm tread. Inside sits a man, full-sized, well-worn, tall.

He has a hat and some denim. His face is lined with firm tread. His mind is gray with history. He doesn't remember things. This does not mean he can't. It means he doesn't. He just looks at what is in front of him. He deals only in the present. The past dictates his disposition, but the present is the only thing. he can see. Cars, people, animals, trees, mud, a telephone. A telephone that rings sometimes. A telephone that rings and shows a name he knows, but he does not pick up. That name is not part of his present. Forgiveness and memory are too inextricable to Say, answer a phone. Break lights.

He slows. He drives carefully. He drives in the moment. He is a good driver. He is good at lots of things. The phone rings. He is not good at everything. This has been.

Traffic. Wow, this little creature is so shy. I tried placing a cup of water on the floor, but it just won't move. It just stares at me from the corner with its giant duck eyes. Just stares at me. Motionless. Really cute, though. Wait, I think it moved.

Here, boy. or girl or either. Come get some water. Come here. You're so cute. So, so, so, so, so, so cute. Nope. Didn't move.

But its eyes followed me as I moved in my chair. Or did they? They're just solid black, all pupil. Like a what? A spider? Well, that'd be weird. There are some other dark dots around its face. Could be eyes, but no, I don't think it's...

Oh, wait. That noise again. Listen. Oh! Well, whatever it is, it is cute. Or weirdly cute. Or just weird. Ugh.

Ah. Okay. Let's have a look at the community calendar. This Wednesday night, the Night Vale Community Theatre will be holding auditions for the musical Into the Woods. Interested lesbians should bring night vision goggles, glass cutters, a breathable ski mask, and quiet shoes to the first Night Vale Bank. On Thursday, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies will open their new exhibit called thought crimes. Anyone who attends the exhibit is obviously interested in learning about forbidden technologies and will be arrested immediately. Tickets are available on the museum website and here's a tip.

They can't arrest you for buying tickets if you're in your own home. They can, however, use tear gas to flush you out and then arrest you. Friday afternoon, the staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing black pants and chain mail veils. Saturday night is the grand opening of Night Vale's newest restaurant, Turniquet, featuring executive chef Lashon Mason, who was previously a sous chef for Nightveil's top-rated fine dining establishment, Shame. LaShawn hopes to bring classical French cooking into the 21st century, with a mix of molecular gastronomy and human remains. Turniquet offers a prefix menu for $35, featuring choice of appetizer, entree, dessert, and sudden awareness of a hideous, suppressed memory.

Sunday morning is Period It just is Okay listeners I think I finally got this thing to trust me It waddled over here just a moment ago Oh so cute the way its bulbous square of a body moves It came right up to me and let me pet it

I'm petting it now, and it's purring, I think, or humming, or buzzing? Oh, what a cuddly little addition to our station this thing will make. Um, what should we name it? I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or maybe genderless, like the future humans who visited Night Vale in the 1950s with their time travel technology, which was then outlawed until last year. Oh my God, listeners, it's hugging my leg. It's hugging my leg.

This is the cutest thing. I have got to get a photo of this. Let me get my phone from my bag. If I could just... Oh, God. You're really heavy. I can't seem to move from this spot here. Ladies and gentlemen, and the little guy.

or gal doesn't seem to want to let go. You're so strong. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. We've received an update from Carlos and his team of scientists about the house that doesn't exist, the one in the Desert Creek development. It looks like it exists,

like it's right there when you look at it, And it's between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But it doesn't actually exist. The scientists have been carefully monitoring John Peters, you know, the farmer, who has been standing alone in the house for weeks. The house is completely empty except some photographs on the wall. Each one seems to be of a lighthouse. The scientists, long too scared to open the door, finally got the nerve to go up to the house and try. It was locked. They shook the handle, hard at first, violently at second, pounding and yelling at third. And those observing John from the window saw no change in his behavior. The door slammed open, and a woman answered, What do you want? she shouted at the scientists.

We wanted to see what that man was doing in there? One of them meekly replied, What man? The woman said, I live alone. And looking in from the front door, they could see a room of the same shape and size as the one John Peters, you know the farmer, had been standing in. The room was full of chairs and a couch and plants and a table and photographs, but none of lighthouses, most of faces, faces similar in form to the women's at the door. The scientists who were at the window could see John standing in the empty room looking at lighthouses.

The woman said her name was Cynthia, and she lived there for 19 years. The scientists left her alone, returning quietly to the lab. Carlos added that the Desert Creek housing development was only three years old. Ow! Oh, good! Listeners, I think I've been bitten by this thing. Oh, oh God. Wow. I can see blood.

Get off. Get off. Out! Oh! I need to go wash this. Let's go now to a word from our sponsor. Are you achieving your fullest potential? Are you finding the right solutions for your challenges?

Are you making the most of what you're given? Do you believe in a smiling God? Of course you do. We all do. We must. Well, what if I told you the smiling God was smiling more than ever? What if the smiling God had a smile so wide that you could see yourself in its mirrored teeth? And what if I told you that your gauzy reflection looked perfect? Just perfect. You would like that.

Of course. We all would. We must. And what if I told you your perfect self hated your imperfect self? And as the smiling God smiled wider, you could see a tongue pressing through the teeth, thick and pink and grey and wet. And what if I told you you could see your imperfect self in the shining sheen of the bulging tongue, and in your reflection you were slack and sallow, and maybe bleating. A lot. Bleeding so much. And what if I told you you could kill your imperfect self? What if I told you you could achieve your fullest potential?

StrexCorp Sinternist Inc. is a proud supporter of the greater Desert Bluff and Night Vale community. Strecscorp, believe in a smiling God. Believe in your perfect sense. self. Strex. Strex. Listeners, I'm on my cell phone calling from the men's bathroom. I had interned Jeremy patch me into the board so I can still broadcast. That thing tried to follow me in here as I limped down the hall.

I was able to outrun it, but I've had to use the deadbolt on the bathroom door to keep it out. all this talk about Koshchak today and here he is Hi baby boy That thing is nothing at all like you The doors come off its hinges It's gotten in I'm gonna duck into the stall

I'm peering now under the walls And see nothing I'm standing now on the commode and looking over the walls and see nothing? Listeners, the only thing more terrifying than seeing the devil is no longer being able to see the devil. Perhaps I should be quiet, Jeremy. Can you, one, call animal control, and two, take us now to the wet... What was that?

No, no, no. Koshik, what have you done to my cat, you monster? Jeremy, take us to the weather. You come here, you son of up! A heart on the run keeps a hand on and gone. You can't trust in you. I was so sure what I needed the sun. Days when we were such damage I've made through

Because somebody knew I was meant for someone Cover me up When I tore off I sobered Oh listeners God listeners Koshak has been hurt

Very badly Animal control came And took him to a hospital They think he will live They think he will live differently. They think there will be significantly less of him physically and mentally, but he will live. He is my boy.

He is my buddy. I love him so much. And this thing, this thing comes here and... Yes. Yes. Let me tell you about this thing, this awful beast. After I saw it tear Koshak from his fixed point and bite into his side, I kicked it, and I kicked it again.

And Jeremy helped me pin it down, and animal control tried to sedate it, and I wanted to beat it to death with a hammer, but I had no hammer. Only self-control. Animal control tried to inject it with their delicious poisons, but they stopped. They said, we can't. We can't inject.

It is a machine. And they flipped its switch, and it. died. And I have never been so relieved to be safe and so disappointed to be shorted my vengeance. Our new program director, Lauren, came in and wanted to know why we destroyed my gift. My gift? I asked. It's your birthday, she replied. Daniel and I and the whole Strex Corp management team got you that strex pet because we know you love animals so much

and I replied but it's a machine a bio machine she retorted and it's not my birthday I mumbled as animal control took Koshek away I'm going to go now. Go see my koshak. He should be out of surgery in half an hour or so, and I'm sure he will live.

I'm sure he will float again at a fixed point exactly four feet up in the men's bathroom of our community radio station. I'm sure there is vengeance to be found. I'm sure I will. find it. I'm sure I just have to find the right recipient. Stay tuned next for the sound of your own thoughts. Broadcast live on the radio for all to hear. And as always, good night. Nightvale. Good night. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in a

over 20,000 Canadian athletes and counting. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rbc training ground.ca. Welcome to Nightvale as a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. The voice of Joseph Fink was Judy Garland. Original music by Dysperition, all of it can be found at disparition.com or at disparation.bentcamp.com. This episode's weather was Cover Me Up by Jason Isbell. Find out more at jasonisbell.com. Comments, questions, email us at nightvail at commonplacebooks.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightfail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb. You won't sleep when you're dead either. Hi, I'm here to tell you about good morning night veil. Welcome to Nightvale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow tri hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning Nightvale with new episodes every other Thursday.

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