Welcome to Night Vale - 44 - Cookies

Episode Date: April 1, 2014

It's Girl Scout cookies time in Night Vale. Plus, an updates from Khoshekh and Dana, a safety announcement from the Highway Department, and a magnanimous gesture from station management. The voice of Dana was Jasika Nicole. The voice of Lauren was Lauren Sharpe. Weather: "Haunted" by Maya Kern, mayakern.bandcamp.com. Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale

for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks.

All that glitters is not gold. Particularly that thing over there. That's maybe a giant insect of some sort. It's really too dark to tell. Welcome to Nightvale. I am not a good salesman. This is why I am a radio host, listeners. Because while I like to talk to people, a real people person, it says in Russian at the bottom of my college degree,

I don't like to shape a conversation toward buying and selling. I like to tell people's stories, stories that affect. affect them, allowing my listeners to process the stories in their own unique ways. I don't want to directly tell them how to think. I am not a good salesman. That being said, I have Girl Scout cookies. Please, if you want some, come on up to the station. My niece, Janice, joined the Girl Scouts last year, and I have box upon box of caramel delights, thin mints, and those lemon ones. There are also quite a few of these new cookies in very heavy, unmarked black boxes that

I think are made entirely of metal. And there's one box that's a five-foot-by-five-foot wooden crate with air holes cut into the top and peanut butter paddies scrawled on it in permanent marker. I can hear breathing inside. I know people normally order the cookies first and then get them delivered weeks later, but sometimes a mother goes out of town and the stepfather isn't on top of his stepdaughter's extracurricular activities. And then the child doesn't know how to sell cookies on her own. So the kindly uncle, with a busy radio job, has to step in and buy up a bunch of boxes so she can go camping with her friends while you continue to disappoint everyone with your in attention to detail and sports gambling and idiotic taste in shoes, Steve Carlsberg,

Yes, Steve, this is how things sometimes happen. Anyway, listeners, these cookies are delicious. And I had to buy a lot of them. There is barely any room here in the studio or in my producer Daniel's booth. So, buy some cookies. Please help us. It is difficult to move, actually.

Sorry, I am not a good salesman. Many of you have written in asking about our station cat, Koshchek. He was attacked by an animal that our stupid, that our evil, that our station management let in the building for some careless reason. Well, Koshak is on the mend. He lost his right eye. His legs are healing, but he's missing part of his front left paw, and we'll walk with a limp. He's at the vet today to have the feeding tube removed. It's fine. He is fine. Oh, here's something nice, though. Koshak spent his whole life floating four feet off the ground at a fixed point in the men's bathroom here at our station.

He never moved from there until he was attacked. I hate to think much about the pain he's been in while healing from broken bones and severe lacerations, but listeners, I got to hold Koshak for the first time last week. I got to pick him up, hug him, carry him around my home. Carlos is allergic to cats, but I bought him some Claritin, so he'll be fine while Cossack heals. Thanks for all your concerns, dear listeners. It's wonderful to have him back. Oh, hey, Janice's Girl Scout cookies have really been moving.

The guys in sales just came by. and bought some classic shortbread cookies. The guys were all wearing matching suits and wool hats, and they threw the boxes of cookies back and forth to each other while shouting, Hop and catch and look alive, Sean! As they jogged back to their cubicles, all of the guys in sales are named Sean.

So if you like delicious cookies, come on up to the station. I already bought all. these cookies with my own money, but I told Janice I would donate back all the proceeds from selling these boxes. So it's kind of an extra gift to the Girl Scouts of Nightvale. Several listeners and co-workers have bought cookies, but no one from station management yet. It's really nice when you have the support of your management. I mean, let's be honest.

No job is perfect. And relationships between bosses and employees aren't always friendly. You're going to have disagreements, of course, little disputes, sometimes big disputes, enormous ones. But you get over those things. You forgive and forget. only to retract both and be filled with vindictive rage and unrelenting memories of the pain brought upon you. Such are the difficulties of professional life. Sure do Hope Station Management steps it up here.

We're all friends, after all. Looking at you in the booth there, Daniel. Oh, listeners, Daniel is blushing. He is very, very red. You have a lot of blood, Daniel. Listeners, I really mean that. Daniel looks to have a lot of blood. Let's have a look now at traffic.

Cecil. Hello? Listeners, I just saw a glimmer, a flicker of something here in the studio. One moment there was simply a wall and a floor and air, and then in another moment there was a shape of a person, of a woman, a... Cecil, it's your former intern. It's me, Dana. Dana, where are you? When are you? For right now, I am here in the studio, but I'm also still trapped in the desert near the mountain, near the lighthouse.

But I'm learning more about how this works. If I turn my head just right, I can not only see places, but I can be places. I can't do it for long, but it's amazing where I can go, when I can go. I've been visiting with John Peters, you know, the farmer, who appears here from time to time. I met briefly one of your former interns, Maureen, who flicks in and out of existence here. I've even made friends with some of the men and women of this nationless army that wanders about the desert. Dana, I am so glad you're here now. I haven't heard from you in months. I told your mother and brother I saw you and you were safe and that you love them very much. Yes, I know. Thank you, Cecil. And do you know what? Today is my brother's birthday. He's 26 today and I used the lighthouse and my new abilities to go visit him. I finally got to see my family again, very briefly.

That's great news, Dana. But here's what happened, and this is... Well, when I appeared in my mother's home, I saw my mother, I saw my brother, I saw their friends, I saw a cake, and the cake said happy 33rd birthday, and I was confused because he is only 26. And I saw a woman standing near my brother. She wore a suit.

She had short, natural hair. She stood up straight. She glowed. She looked important. I recognized her. And then my brother saw me standing there, and my mother saw me standing there, and others saw me standing there,

and they began to cry. But they were fearful tears, turning into shouts and screams. Some people ran from the room. My mother couldn't come near me. I said, Mom, it's me, Dana. And I held out my arms and tried to step toward her. And no one could control their fear, their cries,

no one could move. But the woman next to my brother, she was smiling. She knew. She stepped toward me, and in that moment I saw who it was. I knew who it was. It was me, Cecil. She, I, it must have been 29, if my math is good. And she, I, turned to my hour mother and said,

it's okay, it's okay. And she held her hands up, and people went silent, people listened. And she told the room who I was, who she was, who we were, and what had happened, or for me, what will happen. And the tears turned from fear to relief, to joy, and we embraced. You saw yourself. You saw your older self. You should have seen the way else.

everyone looked at the older me, Cecil, they admired me. They saw me for someone else. I must be important in my future life. I must have a good job or be a significant part of society. I must have become something. I tried to ask what I was to become, but I began to blink out of that time and place. And I was back in the desert, more alone, less important. You have always been in important. You have always been something. Age just reveals the facts that always were, Dana. Experience uncovers the you that always was. I am glad to know that you will be safe, that you will come home, that, Dana, you just flickered. I, I can't see you. I can't stay any longer. I'm always going somewhere. Someday I won't have to go.

I will just be in the place that I am. Our time and space will match again someday, Cecil. And I am glad to know that. Oh, tell Maureen hi. Goodbye, Cecil. The Night Vale Highway Department is asking all motorists to please turn on your headlights when driving through construction zones.

If you see workers, please turn on your headlights. If you see workers in orange vests and black balaclavas holding large metal devices that look like miniature satellite dishes and whispering coded instructions into walkie-talkies, while low-hovering disc-shaped aircraft of the like you have never seen before, zip about quickly overhead, please turn on your headlights. Please, for the safety of our workers, slow your vehicle. Please turn on your headlights and slow your vehicle. Slow your vehicle. With your headlights clearly in the on-setting to a crawl, come to a complete stop. For the safety of our highway workers and their vast interplanetary secrets, please.

Get out of your vehicle and walk toward the hum. You will hear a loud humming from above. Please, follow the humming until you are completely lifted from this earth, from this world, never to return. Well, to return eventually, but not to this time. To a completely different time. Maybe millennia from now. Maybe millennia ago. Who knows?

you will eventually. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Night Vale Highway Department. Good news, listeners. Daniel is telling me that StrexCorp, and the whole management of the station, is very excited about my support of the Girl Scouts of Night Vale, and they want to buy every box of Janice's cookies. In fact, Lauren Mallard, our program director, and StrexCorp executive is back again, here in my studio with an announcement to make. Thank you, Cecil.

StrexCorp has long been a supporter of community organizations and the Girl Scouts with their commitment to teaching young girls about nature, surviving in nature, controlling nature with their minds, radiation immunity, and advanced knife-fighting skills are an important institution here in Night Vale. Not just for our women leaders in the future, but also for StrexCorp right now. Strex Corp right now, here in the present. The Girl Scouts not only have a great reputation for youth leadership training, but a pretty extensive database of nearly every girl in Night Vale. Their names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and skill levels at various talents, like oil

painting or parasailing, or library science, or slingshots, or helicopter piloting. It sure would be nice to know where the young ladies are who are good at helicopter piloting. Very few young girls are trained to fly helicopters. We'd like to hunt down or... Weird phrasing. Scratch that. We'd like to find and meet these talented girls. So, StrexCorp is proud to announce that they have purchased the Girl Scouts of Nightvale

and will also be taking over management of the organization immediately. Thank you, Night Vale. We look forward to leading your children. Daniel, can you help me carry these cookies out of here? Um, thank you, Lauren, for that. You know, Cecil, I was never a Girl Scout myself, but I can say I am thrilled to support your endeavor to help bring your niece. I'm sorry, what was her name again?

I don't want to... Janice. Yeah, it was Janice. I love the way you are taking part in Janice's life. You must really care for her. Yes, with all my heart, but I don't... I know what you were about to say. It's my favorite part of your show.

Can I do it? Just this once. I've always wanted to do it. Can you do what? How exciting. Thank you, Cecil. Listeners, I take you now to the weather. Your heart is beating.

I can see it. I have never felt quite so betrayed. Your love is bad. I can hear it saying darling come to bed I don't need it I don't need it don't want to see it knew you work on the moment that you spoke but I don't hear it I just hear the words we said so long ago I think We're haunted. Those of the past. Thought I could forgive you. But it's funny how long this pain can last.

I think we're home. And I would give in and give you what you've wanted. So I can stop living in regret. What you've won't. I can stop with regret. I just talked to Janice, listeners, to tell her we sold all the cookies. And she is very happy about the upcoming camping trip. She is a sweet child who loves the outdoors.

Thank you listeners and station co-workers. No thank you to Steve Carlsberg, who couldn't be bothered. Thank you, I guess, to StrexCorp for contributing to a great cause. Please, continue the great work of the Girl Scouts. Please, they are a good organization and they deserve so much better. They deserve so many good things. I hope all of the girls out there are safe on their up. coming camping trip. There are not many places to hide in the desert, girls, but you're very

innovative. I mean for playing tag, of course. I mean for simple games, of course. Not for self-preservation or well-thought-out strategic attacks on a highly organized enemy. You would never need to hide for those reasons. Why would I even say that? Why would I say anything? Words. No. These are just strange noises I'm making with my face. Strange noises. And for the rest of you, What do you need? Did you get your cookies yet? Are you nourished by a couple of dollars given to a good cause in exchange for some sugary treats? Do you feel you have done enough to help young women?

A specific young woman with helicopter skills? To achieve great things in a town that needs now more than ever great things achieved? Did you do enough with your cookie purchase to actualize what you believe in? To empower kids who will one day rise up and speak a great truth while waving tear-stained copies of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonnets from the Portuguese? Did you? I'm sorry. I am not a good salesman. Oh, and now it's time to go pick up Koshek from the vet, listeners.

Stay tuned next for a lifetime of self-questioning, followed by conflicting answers from an unreliable source. Good night, Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Dana was Jacique Nicole. The voice of Lauren Mallard was Lauren.

sharp. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at Dysperition.com. Or at disparation.bantamp.com. This episode's weather was haunted by Maya Kern. Find out more at Maya kern. com.com. Comments, questions, email us at

nightvail at commonplacebooks.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvell.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of nightfail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb. At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire. Hi, we're Meg Bashminer and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Nightvale, and on our new show,

The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.