Welcome to Night Vale - 48 - Renovations

Episode Date: June 1, 2014

StrexCorp begins massive renovations on the radio station and all of Night Vale. Plus, updates from the Company Picnic of Indeterminate Length, free floating cats for anyone who wants them, and a strange new art print. The voice of Lauren Mallard was Lauren Sharpe. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. Weather: "High Tide Rising" by Fox, foxtheband.bandcamp.com. Music: Joseph Fink and Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you

right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbail merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things

for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

True Beauty is on the inside, where everything is red and glistening and full of practical organs and sharp rocks. Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs metropolitan area. Hello, listeners, you look nice today. This is an assumption, but it is a safe assumption. I am positive, you look nice. Yes, a very safe assumption. Probably the safest of the many, many assumptions I'll make today.

It's a very good day, Kevin. The company picnic is still going strong. It's been over two weeks in every resident of Nightvale. And by extension, every employee of Strikes Corps has been enjoying our first annual company picnic of indeterminate length. So many fun activities, Lauren. Nobody wants to leave. Nobody can leave.

But they wouldn't want to. Oh, absolutely not. Not with all the fun activities, like work? Yes. But there's even more exciting news. We are renovating this old radio station. We redecorated the studio a couple of weeks back, but now that we have so many new Strux Corp employees arriving each week,

we wanted to create a welcoming, work-friendly office for them. Right. It's always exciting to get a new job, to take on a new career. You know that thrilling moment, after all the resumes and letters and interviews, that moment when one day a van pulls up next to you, say, just outside your favorite ice cream store or on the sidewalk outside your girlfriend's house, and you are blindfolded and sedated and lightly beaten and driven around in seemingly random directions, and then after breaking down spiritually, hurled upon the concrete front steps of your new office,

ready to start your new career. This is an exciting moment in anyone's professional life. And here it's Treksorp, we want that excitement to continue. you. So we're remodeling and redecorating this old building. We've added some new sales offices, a room of questioning, complete with fun steel chairs and executive restraints and lots of wonderful framed paintings of human teeth. We're even completely redoing the bathrooms. Which reminds me, there are some stray cats floating at various heights in the men's room here at the station. They look to be about a year old. If you want them, come get them before the

demolition crew arrives this afternoon. Good point. I'll send our producer Daniel in there to take some pictures of the little guys. We'll post them to the website, and listeners can figure out which ones they want to take and come and get them. Unfortunately, everyone's having too much fun at the company picnic. I doubt anyone will have any time or the physical ability to leave the picnic and adopt a stray floating cat. Oh, too bad. Well, I'll have Daniel post the photos anyway, just so you can all see what you're missing. And now a word from our sponsors. Thanks, Kevin.

Listeners, are you cold? Just a little bit? Feel a thin chill on your skin. Maybe you've wrapped your arms over each other and you're rubbing them softly but vigorously? You're so cold. And now you've pulled your arms entirely into your shirt trying to maximize the body heat of skin contact.

You've pulled in your arms and you're rocking your body forward and back. What about your arms? ears and nose. So very, very cold. Ask a friend to borrow a sweater. Try that. Go on. No one's around. Uh-oh. You don't actually know a single person, do you? Your life may be a total lie. Well, at best, a fever dream. Or someone else's night terror. That's probably it. You're very cold. And no one to help you, or hear you. Look around. All gray, windowless walls, right? not even a door. How much air do you have left?

How are you even breathing? There can't be much air left. This message brought to you by Best Buy. Best Buy, conserve your oxygen. Listeners, the renovations have brought so much joy here to the radio station that we thought we'd extend the fun throughout the town of Nightvale. We've sent our contractors all over the city to tear down other things, too, like the abandoned missile silo outside of town,

several active but low-achieving elementary schools and that weird forest along the eastern edge of Nightvale. Oh, I know that forest. It's a really nice forest. It complimented my outfit as I drove past it the other day. It whispered, That vest fits you well, Kevin. It also whispered,

You have a clever and colorful fashion sense. You are a delight to be near. That forest never whispers anything at me. I actually stopped my. car along the side of the road because I was feeling welcomed, even beckoned by such a nice community of trees. But as I approached, it whispered, no, your eyes, no, please go, please leave us be. And I did, because I have such a healthy respect for nature. I know you do. Vile, vile nature. Anyway, we're tearing that forest down to build a new corporate training facility.

Great. We've also hired the small civilization living under Lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fund complex. Since building owner Teddy Williams is busy at the company picnic and hasn't paid his lease, the small army of tiny people are using the building as a headquarters. They've renamed it the Cathedral of Honto Car after their god. They've also torn down the Arbys and put in a contemporary sculpture, which is a one-to-one scale model replica of the... The Arby's they just tore down. It feels so good to redecorate.

Does it? I rarely feel anything. I rarely feel anything at all. Let's have a look at financial news. The markets are really fantastic today. Counterpoint? You're really fantastic today. You're too kind.

I'm kind because everything looks good in the financial markets. Would you be less kind if the markets were doing poorly? I would. Down markets mean people. people aren't working hard. And if people aren't working hard, that must mean they're sad and lazy. And when people are sad and lazy, I become less kind. Interesting. What are you doing? Hang on. Listeners, Lauren is doing something on her phone. And done. Let's see if that... Yep. Yes, it seems to be. Wonderful. What did you do? I just liquidated nearly all of my domestic stock,

and the market is reacting quickly to it. Stop prices are plummeting. The markets are really terrible today. That's awful news. It's a shame how people just don't value hard work like they used to. You shouldn't let your sadness and laziness destroy our economic future. Cheer up! Wow.

I think you were wrong. You didn't become less kind at all. I didn't? No, you became more helpful. You're right. Right! Telling sad people to cheer up is like an extra level of kindness. It totally is! That was a very informative financial report we just had.

The markets are still terrible now, though. There might have to be layoffs or disappearances, but I think it was worth it. Lauren? I just noticed all these new framed pictures of human teeth on the studio wall. They're lovely, right? Yes, very. That one? I don't remember that picture.

I don't recall choosing to put a picture of a lighthouse in my radio studio. I would only choose pleasant images to look at. It is a very unpleasant image. I agree. I do not like it one bit. Let us try for a moment not to look at it. I can't stop looking at it. Me neither.

I'll ask Daniel to take care of it when he's to. on photographing those doomed floating cats in the bathroom. Good plan. We're receiving word from downtown that there's a slowdown in our renovations. Our demolition crews have been stalled outside the empty lot across the street from the rec center, the lot with the sign that says, future home of the old Night Vale Opera House. It seems the outgoing mayor of Night Vale, Pamela Winchell,

some old lady, and a line of impossibly tall people with long heads and wings have escaped or skipped out early from the company picnic and are blocking our contractors from building the town's third sharper image. But that's impossible. We invoked eminent domain. I'm getting word that the mayor has veto power over both eminent domain and sharper image. How is she still mayor even?

Daniel! Daniel, where are you? I'm going to find Daniel. I'm going to have him drive me downtown. and I'm going to deal with this directly. I'm tired of messing around with... What was that? Listeners, the lights just went out in the studio.

Daniel? Kevin, why has Daniel not come back from taking pictures of the cats? That should not have taken this long. He's very efficient. Shh! There's someone here, Lauren. There's someone else in this room. Listeners, there is a bright, black glowing

coming from the middle of our studio. It is glowing around the shape of someone neither man nor woman, tall, long, with great black wings, beating softly through filtered and recirculated 71-degree air. It is holding something. Something small and round. Listeners, it is holding a light bulb. It's moving now. The person, the what? The angel.

Angels are, of course, real and very dangerous. This dangerous being is walking to the wall, to that new piece of art. The art that, unlike any other art in history, is not depicting teeth. Oh, smiling God. That picture. Kevin, that picture, it's different now. The lighthouse? Moments ago, the picture was of a lighthouse on a desert mountain in the clean light of midday.

Now the photo is a lighthouse at desert's dusk. Purple orange sky and a blinking red light atop the mountain. The light in the photo is actually blinking. There's a door at the foot of the stone tower, and that door is opening. A deep purple glow, slowly silhouetting a man. It looks like a man. I cannot tell if he is tall or if he is short. He is holding something.

I cannot tell what it is, but it moves in his arms. The man is He is entering the lighthouse He... Kevin, the door. Our studio door. Daniel, is that you? Are the kittens dealt with?

I see only the intruder's shadow in that deep purple glow. It is... It is the man from the lighthouse. He is holding something. The dangerous, dangerous angel is with him. The man is holding something. No! How did you?

He is holding... Don't come any nearer. He is holding a cat. Thank you for bringing me here, Erica. And while whatever happens next happens, I take you, Night Vale, to the weather. Listeners, it is good to be back. After so long away, in such a terrible, terrible place. Let us never fall again for the wicked ruse of the company picnic, no matter how many badminton

tournaments or chilly cook-offs the flyers and masked picnic captains advertise. There was one escape attempt during the unending deadly horror that was the staff softball game. But there were helicopters everywhere, and we were captured, trying to dig a tunnel under second base with staple pullers. But, last night, just when, as all picnic goers eventually do, we had given up all hope of someday being free. Former intern Dana appeared to me. There was an old oak door, which I swear had not been in the heavily electrified volleyball nets before.

Or, no, no. No more euphemisms. No more talking around it. They were high-voltage electric fences, fatal to any who touched them. The door in the fence opened, and she stepped out, and, taking me by my hand, led me with her into whatever strange other world she has been trapped in for so long. She brought me to the lighthouse, in her strange desert, that is like our own, but is not our own. She introduced me to an army of men and women who have taken great care of her

and introduced me to several tall, winged creatures each named Erica, with a K. Dana said they were angels. I informed each of them that angels are not real, and that's ridiculous. I might have howled this while cut. hovering my eyes. Dana took me to the peak of the mountain, which is also not real.

From atop this monstrosity of rock and earth and lies, we looked out across an empty pink desert, past the lighthouse, over the army, to a curved horizon under a placid ocean of cloudless forever. and I saw for myself on that horizon the terrible light rushing toward us. Former intern Maureen is the one who showed everyone it was possible to pass fully back and forth, with her disappearing and reappearing. And it was John Peters, you know, the farmer, who stumbled on how to open the old oak doors that looked,

lead to so many places, but also to here, this one beautiful place in space and time. Old woman Josie and her definitely not angelic companions are in that other world too. So many have fled, but we will not flee anymore. I have returned, Koshak, to his home. home here at the station, floating four feet off the ground in the men's restroom. I found Strexcorp's former radio producer Daniel lying dead or, perhaps inoperative. I do not know if Daniel identified as organic or not outside the restrooms. Apparently, no one ever told him the dead.

consequences of taking photos of cats. Listeners, all is not well. Most is not well. StrexCorp still owns all that can be owned here, and so much also that cannot be owned. Many of you are still trapped in the company picnic. Others of you are trapped in mistaken impressions of how your life should supposedly be, but that started long before this whole strex thing.

That's something only you can fix, grew reflection and laughter and acceptance. Lauren and Kevin ran away when faced with whatever you call Erica, but I do not think they will be gone for long. And then there is Dana and her army of masked warriors, standing in the path of that deep, rumbling light, that searing, blinding, hum, that smiling God. I'll be honest. I don't know exactly where Carlos is.

They captured his scientists. But they did not capture him. I'm sure he is fine. A scientist is always fine. Listeners, so much is wrong. Here is what's right. Night Vale Community Radio is ours again. We are the only thing in Nightvale not owned by Strecks, and I swear,

I swear we will stay that way. And soon this whole town will be as this station is now. Not without struggle, not without loss, not without grave injury and a lifetime of what-ifs. But we will do it. We may be controlled by the city council and the vague, you know, yet menacing government agency, and chemtrails, and the secret order of reptile kings, and the mysterious lights that hover above us. But we will not be controlled by a smiling God.

We are Night Vale, and we are in our own way, free. We must continue to fight and resist. We must be the heroes we look for in others. We must no longer speak in code, but in action. Return to your homes if you can. But do not lock your doors tonight. Do not hide yourselves away from danger. Be brave.

Be truly brave. I mean, don't get carried away. Stay out of the dog park. And don't run with knives. And for crying out loud, don't cry out loud. You'll upset the bears, which are emotionally fragile animals that are already very uncomfortable with themselves. Stay tuned next for that nagging feeling that you left the coffee pot on. Surely it's no big deal, but...

Oh, geez, what if it is a big deal? Oh, no. I can't believe you left the coffee pot on. And as always, good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner, and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. The voice of

Lauren Mallard was Lauren Sharp. Original music by Joseph Fink and by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion.com or at disparition.bantamp.com, where he has a brand new album with guestwork from Cecil Baldwin and Gabriel Royal. This episode's weather was High Tide Rising by Fox. Find out more at foxtheband.bantamp.com.com. comments, questions, email us at Nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool with you. Today's proverb, feeling lost, like you have no goal in life, like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves, like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? It kind of sounds like you're an earthworm, actually. Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast No, 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9, wherever you get your podcast, boo.