Welcome to Night Vale - 49 - Old Oak Doors Part A

Episode Date: June 15, 2014

Night Vale begins its revolt against StrexCorp, and old oak doors are opening all over town. Good things are coming through. Terrible things are coming through. Also there's a mayoral election. First of a two-part episode. This episode was recorded live at The Town Hall in NYC on June 4, 2014. Guest Voices (part A): Meg Bashwiner, Lauren Sharpe, Kevin R. Free, Jackson Publick, Mara Wilson, Symphony Sanders, Jasika Nicole, Dylan Marron, Mark Gagliardi, and Maureen Johnson Live Music: Disparition, disparition.info, featuring Jon Bernstein, Deepthi Welaratna, Valerie Evering, and Mari Yamamoto Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now

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Listeners of every kind, the voice... I'm so sorry. Are we interrupting something? I'm sure it's nothing important. The sun is bright. The moon is irrelevant, and we are light and light and light and light. We're light.

Listeners, this is Lauren Mallard, vice president of Strex Corp, owner, I mean, community supporter of the night veil and desert blood. metropolitan area. I'm here with Kevin, who has been a radio host for Nightvale's Sister City, Desert Bluffs, for how long has it been, Kevin? I can't say. Kevin, don't be modest. You're the voice of our community. I literally am incapable of saying, Laura. Kevin and I are broadcasting from a secret location because of some

recent changes to the town of Nightvale. StrexCorp. StrexCorp was in the process of bringing together the two cities, but But there was some... Miscommunication. Yes. Thank you, Lauren. You're so helpful with your words. Miscommunication.

And now the little town of Night Vale is upset. We tried to bring them endless, searing, sunshine, and delicious trans-dimensional orange juice and adorable furry pets with adorable gnashing teeth. Oh, I love my streaks pet, Lauren. Oh, it is the cute. I take it for walks, I throw sticks at it. I tell it my worst secrets.

I feed it mice every night before bed. They're not supposed to eat mice, Kevin. I've trained it to. It took some weeks, but it is accepting its meals now. Lauren, did you know that in Night Vale, people are not even allowed to visit the public dog park? Right. You know what?

They can't. Also cannot eat. or wheat byproducts. Delicious wheat, delicious byproducts. Or have computers or writing utensils, and their community radio interns keep having accidents. Or in the case of that intern Dana, meeting her own double, one of them killing the other,

and then the remaining one, not sure if it's her or her double, being trapped for over a year in a strange other desert world where she's been making trouble for us with an unruly pack of angels and dumb masked warriors. masked warriors. It's a very beautiful but very unproductive town, not reaching its full productive potential. My grandmother used to embroider pillows with the phrase, reach your full productive potential. I loved those pillows so much. She sold one to me. That is a good story, Kevin. So, we at Strexorpe, not wanting our neighbors to flounder under the oppressive terror and darkness,

brought bright yellow helicopters here to rid the town of all its terrible horrors. The weird shape in Grove Park that kills people if you look at it or talk about it. The hooded figures that infiltrate everyone's deepest fears in dreams. The vague yet menacing government agencies that

record everyone's conversations and the glowing cloud that drops dead animals the rip in time that allowed dinosaurs to come through. Tyrannodons are not dinosaurs, Lauren. They are arachnids. are right. No, you are right. It is hard to get work done in such a dystopia. Right? Right. Right. And then they just allow that teenage girl, what was her name? Tamika. To start a militia. Well, luckily she's in prison.

And then they bring these ugly scientists to study things that should not be studied. Luckily, he's trapped in the same desert other world as intern Dana. Lauren, I think, I think maybe this is our fault. How so, Kevin? We loved Night Vale too much. We cared for them more than they could understand. We showed them sympathy beyond which they could receive. Let's show them empathy.

Yeah. Empathy. Did you hear that night veil? No more sympathy from StrexCorp. No more emotional symbiosis. We will give you empathy. We will give you the room to understand what you need. But what you need is sunshine and structure and jobs.

They don't want a handout. They want a hand around their neck in a show of friendly solidarity. a strong pat on the neck. Let us show you empathy in a handful of dust, Nightvale. Just look at all this empathy. Look at it. Look at it every day. Look at it.

Talk to you all again soon. Sorry for interrupting whatever this silly little thing is. As I was saying, and now, Listeners of every kind, the voice of Night Vale, Cecil Baldwin. Think back. Look forward. Listen timelessly. Welcome to Night Vale.

Hello, listeners. I speak to you now from the one spot in Night Vale that remains truly. hours. The studios of the Nightvale Community Radio Station. I have learned well from my misunderstanding about how barricading a door works, and so I have, for two weeks, managed to keep this studio free of StrexCorp influences and employees. But enough of the preamble. Now to the Campbell. Today is the day. There is only one thing for today, and that is the destruction of the hated Strex Corps, and freeing our town of Night Vale. We will work no longer. We will worship a smiling God no longer. We have failed before. We have failed. We have failed.

so many times at so many tasks, but at this, we will not fail. I hope. I mean, I really, really hope that we will not fail. In any case, we will be devoting all of today's broadcast to the revolution with no interruption. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sees speaking or I will cease your speaking for you. Hey, either there, Greenhead. Listeners, I'm sorry. Mayoral candidate and literal five-headed dragon. Hiram McDaniels has just burst into the studio. I am also here.

Did someone just speak? Yes, it's me. The faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. I'm crouched in the cross space under your studio right now. There are many interesting insects and pipes down here.

Well, it is great to have you both. But listen, there's this revolution to do. Farbe for me to get in the way of your revolution. I'm all for liberty. The tree of liberty must be periodically wanted with blood and moats with detached limbs and prune. It's my favorite tree. I hear your purple head. Right on. We are here because you are forgetting the most important thing that is happening today.

Today is election day. Today is that day when finally, Nightfail citizens will be able to affect change. Or not affect change, but they will be affected by it. Sure. Well, there is also an election today. And we will certainly cover that as well, okay? But for now, please go stand in the alley behind City Hall

and await the results, as is traditional. Thanks, Cecil. Absolutely. Thank you very much. We'll check back in with you soon. Yes! what my goldhead said. Pidiful wealth.

Let us go immediately to the news. Many citizens are reporting that old oak doors with brass knobs have been appearing all over town. The doors open onto a desert landscape

quite like this one. Through these doors are arriving tall creatures with long faces and broad wings. These creatures are difficult to categorize. But the best I can do is definitely not angels. The not at all angelic creatures are joined by enormous men and women wearing masks.

The not angels and the masked army have torn down the electric fences trapping the people at the Strex Corp, company picnic. And this is great news. But unfortunately, the news is not over. Strexcorp has responded with a seemingly unending force of eyeless blood-drenched office workers, dressed in smart but affordable business casual clothing, and armed with jagged knives, and toothy smiles. They are backed by a swarm of yellow helicopters that have filled the sky and yet strangely

have not blotted out the sun. In fact, the sun seems brighter than ever. Unnaturally bright if a ball of highly compacted gas that sustains life through mere proximity could ever be called natural.

The horrible smiling office workers have driven the tall winged creatures and the masked army back from the picnic. The strex force is too much for even these rescuers from another world to handle. Whatever unspecified powers they have are unspecifically not enough, and they are quite specifically losing. They are fleeing. Some have fallen as the ravenous office workers swarm over them. The angels or, you know, not angels,

have entered the juvenile detention center looking for a certain little girl. No. a young woman, no, a human being, and her well-trained militia of other human beings. But the cell that once contained Tamika Flynn was empty. Instead, there were only shackles that had been pulled completely apart, and the words, I am found, written on a bookmark lane across page 210 of a paperback copy of Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing. The current whereabouts of Tamika Flynn are not known, the winged creatures who are all named

Erica, and the army of masked giants have continued their retreat before the onslaught of eyeless office workers. all the way past the old town drawbridge. Listeners, given the urgency of today, I plan to skip some of our regular features as well as sponsored ads, but since forcing out our current ownership, we've gotten a bit behind on our bills.

So there's now a sentient patch of haze in my studio. Hello, Cecil. Hello, listeners. My name is Deb. And Deb won't actually leave my studio until she has told us all about, what are you promoting? Whole Foods. Ah, right. So, even though we've got this whole big revolution to do, let's take a moment to listen to Deb, the sentient patch of Hayes, about...

Whole Foods. Yes. Thanks, Cecil. at Whole Foods, we don't have any rotting decay matter mixed into our products. There are no secret blood rooms in our stores where we keep the secret blood. None of the boxes of cereal contained spiders, and if they did, they would be very friendly, helpful spiders. Why wouldn't you be lucky to find a spider like that in a box of Whole Food cereal? Or not just one. Hundreds of them.

But anyway, you won't. Whole food serves only the freshest food, and we certainly do not keep venomous snakes under the fruit in our produce section. Why would we? That would be dangerous and not good for business. No one has died of a snake bite at Whole Foods. No one you know. Whole Foods. Why in the world would we poison our frozen dinners? We definitely do not do that.

Well, thanks, Deb. No, thank you, Cecil. Good luck with whatever you got going on here. Seems uninteresting and human. Oh, okay. Well, goodbye, Deb. Listeners, I apologize for these noises you might be getting, that there is some other radio signal. It's interfering with our own.

Cecil, hi, it's Lauren Mallard. Sorry to interrupt. Kevin and I just had to break into your signal. We wanted a moment to talk with you. Gently talking solves a lot of things. Violent revolution has never solved anything. I beg to differ. America was founded on a revolution.

And I mean, sure, we still are ruled by the reptilians, but... The lizard kings let us have our own country after they saw how hard we tried during that revolution thing. That was decades ago, Cecil. Anyway, we want to know what we can do to keep your business. We here at StrexCorp, Cynorcists, Inc. are dedicated to the betterment of life through branding, social networking, and upbeat music. And hard work. I'm pretty sure it's implied that hard work is part of it, Kevin.

I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for your feedback. Cecil, StrexCorp values the effort you put into making this station what it was. Is what it is. But when employees are refusing to participate in our trust exercises and boycotting our products and attacking us with our own helicopters, and I think we have failed our mission statement. And what is your mission statement? This.

So caught up in thinking about our business that we didn't think. We didn't think. We didn't think about the people. People matter at Strex Corp. They matter because of the business. We are here to set things right. First things first, we will rebuild

the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area and divert thousands of gallons of necessary drinking water from other towns to provide it with its namesake. We will also fill in the giant hole out back of the Ralphs. But where will the people who huddle there go to huddle? Oh, oh, Cecil, you are simply resistant to change. Your revolution is cute. Community togetherness is adorable, but money, money is power. We will invest.

are currently investing... To make Nightvale a better place to live. Thus, increasing the resale value. Also, we know everyone fears libraries in Nightvale, which is why Strex Corp will tear down the library, destroy the dangerous librarians, and replace it with Strix books, purchase centers. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare try talking about books. Tamika, is that you? Yes. I found their secret location using a radio triangulation technique. I learned by reading an anthology of Emily Dickinson poems. Lauren, be careful.

She has a slingshot and a heavy-looking edition of John Osborne's successful play. Look back in anger. Thank you, Kev. But I will happily deal with this myself. I just so happen to my own slingshot and an extremely heavy addition

of the Strex employee handbook. Oh, Lauren, you have this situation under control. I'm just gonna go and oversee important things elsewhere. Let me know if, when you take care of this child. I love books. Take that book you're holding. It looks ill-written, ill-conceived, full of bad ideas, expressed badly. I bet it lacks narrative arcs and an appreciation for the flow of language.

It looks like the worst book in the history of books. But here's the thing. It's still a book. And I love books. So, you do not deserve to even hold it. Then come and get it. Tamika, stay alert. Let me throw some ideas at you.

Tamika. Tamika, are you hurt? Cecil. Tamika won't be a problem for us. any longer. Now, what were we talking about? All right, money, success. It's just... Tamica, Tamika, can you hear me? Well, drat. Hold on, Cecil, seems she's still up and about. This will just take a second. Lady, I've trained for months. I've taken down your helicopters with only a slingshot. I've looked at a librarian right in the area where most creatures

would have eyes. You do not scare me. Oh no. Where did all these children come from? It doesn't matter. What matters is that in a few moments, you will start running as fast as you can in the direction of desert bluffs.

All right, book club? Books as clubs! God, show me mercy! No, no, I give up! I give up! I... Ow! Well done, young Ms. Flynn. I'm securing this frequency. We'll keep broadcasting instructions from here. Stay vigilant, night bail. There's something else here

now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus it's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time

and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Listeners, Nightvale

is coming alive. After weeks of the company picnic, the citizens are remembering who they are. They are members of a pseudo-democracy run by lizard kings through a Byzantine

maze of puppet governments and paperwork. A crowd of those grinning Strecsorp drones surrounded one of the winged Not Angels, who was wearing a hand-tailored suit coat, but was

otherwise totally nude. But then, Leanne Hart, managing editor of the Night Vale Daily Journal, hacked her way through the crowd with a hatchet. I am imagining you all as

news bloggers. You are destroying years of journalistic tradition. And then at the urging of Sarah Sultan, the president of the Nightvale Community College, Leanne then threw Sarah at the few remaining strex workers who were still intact. Sarah, who is a smooth fist-sized river rock, hit her target magnificently before bouncing off somewhere. And so, this Erica, who looked at... looked both wealthy and mostly nude was saved. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm seeing a flickering, listeners, and this flickering is becoming a shape. And this shape, the shape is becoming a woman. Hello, Cecil. It's me, Dana. Dana, why haven't you returned to Nightvale? I will soon, I think. But there is something here that has me worried.

That rumbling is getting louder, and the light on the horizon is quite close. I can feel heat, but I am not warm. The more the heat grows, the colder I feel. It is a terrible light, and it is so close now. I feel as though the universe is unraveling. Plus, I found someone here in the desert. Hi, Cecil. I am manifesting myself in your radio station for both personal and not personal reasons.

Carlos, oh, thank the imperfect heavens. I haven't seen you in weeks. I didn't know where you had gone. So when I entered the house that does not exist, I found myself in this other desert world. But something happened to my team of scientists, and there was no one to let me back out. Then I couldn't even find the door.

Eventually your friend Dana found me. Now, Carlos, why did you not call? Or Snapchat? Or re-blogue any of you? my wood carvings of Koschak. I worked really hard on those. Cecil, how would I do that? I'm in the middle of a desert that is not of this world. Oh. There's no cell towers or Wi-Fi or any kind of communication system. Plus, I have to save my battery until I can find my way back to... Oh, no, no, your phone totally works here. Really? Yeah. Also, I haven't charged my phone in like

a year. The battery never ran down. Is that a Samsung? No. No, same one you got. Wow. And the Wi-Fi is pretty decent too. Just... Look at that, Cecil.

I'm on your Tumblr right now. And I gotta say the artwork is amazing. Oh, thank you. Time is pretty messed up, so sometimes you reply to emails before they're even sent to you. But other than that... No, Carlos... How do I get you home?

Dana, how do we get Carlos home? I would like Carlos to come home. I'll be able to very soon. I am working on inventing something right now. Cecil, every time the doors are open, it lets that terrible light into night veil. And the light is so close now, we can't risk it. Right. You're very smart.

Cecil, you have very smart interns. I know. So I'm building a highly scientific device to keep the light away from the doors. Now, the device looks a lot like a big umbrella. Okay? But it is way more complex and scientific than that. For reasons, I do not have time to explain right now.

My danger meter is in the red. And scientifically speaking, red is the most dangerous color. Carlos? Carlos, you're fading. Dana, where did Carlos go? He's still here. Dana, I can't see Cecil anymore. He's still here.

Carlos, thank you. I may get to see my mother and my brother again because of you. You are a hero. I'm not a hero. I'm a scientist. Then scientist will always be my word for hero. What is he saying? I can't...

We should go. Tell Cecil we won't be long at all. The doors should be safe to open now. I just need to finish stabilizing the device. Cecil, we have work to do, but we will be home soon. Okay, I cannot wait to see both of you. Like an hour or two, max. Did he say something?

Was it cute? Goodbye, Cecil. Okay. It is good to know. We have such a talented former intern and a brilliant scientist working together. Once again, listeners, I'm also getting several. frantic phone calls that have reminded me it is also election day. So let's check in at the alley behind City Hall.

Hiram, faceless old woman. Your revolution is meaningless! I will burn all detractors! Yeah, Cecil, all of us are in agreement here. Me, my green head there, and them other three heads. Sure, just lump us all together as the other three heads. There's the other three. It's always just gold talking away like he's the most important one,

and sometimes green yells something, green and gold, green and gold. Also, please call me violet. You always say purple, but I prefer violet. Right, yeah. So also, uh, gray, blue, and violet heads there. Anyway, we all agree that once we become mayor, this whole revolution, well, it's just sort of moat. If Strex Corp is still here

And the people want them gone We'll just You know throw some flames in the problem The real issue now The real issue is getting these doors shut There's a blinding light pouring from the minutes Causing the world to become translucent We can hear a deep rumbling sound

Which I do not like The helicopters seem unaffected I think a terrible thing is trying to come through Something that's secrets I do not know. The unraveling of all things. Fire breathing will solve none of this. Basically, the angels are, you know, the not angels.

They just need to shut the doors when they're done going through them. Yeah, what were they born in a bun? Well, according to religious texts, yes. Yeah, I mean, did you not know that? I mean, that's pretty standard. Anyway, I agree with Hiram. A revolution in the unraveling of the universe is all fine. But it would be great if you could cover the election more comprehensively.

We've worked really hard. Right. All of us. I will do my best. Or, well, actually, maybe not my best, but some level of effort. Well, thank you for the updates, both of you. You got it. Listeners, you heard the candidates.

The doors are open, and there is a powerful rumbling below the earth and a bright light turning everything. translucent, probably that's bad news. But you know, weather is weird here, so who knows? Oh, oh, oh, this is fantastic. A couple of old friends just came by the studio. How to say so? Listeners, it is John Peters, you know, the farmer.

And, intern Maureen? Is that you? Yep, sure is. See, so, now Dana and your science fellow, they helped us get out of that other desert place. I mean, I'm the one who found all those old oak doors, and Maureen here figured out that physically going back and forth between the two worlds was possible, but those two, they helped a bunch. Great, great work, all of you. And, you know, I'm so glad to get to see all of my lost friends again. I just stopped by to tell you that we have seen the rumbling in the desert. We have heard the bright light entering night veil.

Cecil, that light, it is the great glowing coils of the universe unwinding. It is the unraveling of all things. It is a smiling God of terrible power. Now, how do you know all of this, John? Well, I was in 4-H club in high school. I'm a farmer, you know. You learn all this kind of stuff in 4-H. Seemed obvious.

No, no, of course. I mean, yeah, of course. Now, Maureen, it is so nice to see you again. I mean, it's been how long? Listen to me, you monster. Oh. I got you coffee, and I made mimeographs. And I sang sea shanties to the end.

every single day. I even copy edited your jaws slash fic, even though that wasn't in the job description. I did. And then one day, oh, get me some orange juice, Maureen. I mean, I won't even tell you how it's making people blink in and out of existence.

And not only did it make me blink out of reality, but you didn't even want it when I brought it. Do you even know the mortality rate of your internship program? I'm not terribly sure what you mean. Chad, Jerry, Leland, Rob, Brad, Stacey, Richard, Pollo, Dylan, Vivia, and Ziv. Do you know what they all have in common?

Um, they all got great training for a future career in radio? No, no, that's not it at all. There. Oh, excuse me. Speaking of interns, intern Jeremy, had a recent run-in with the Scorpions in the break room. And we'll be missed. Oh, hey, now that you're back home, are you still looking for college credit? Yeah.

Oh, great. Can you start today? Yeah, okay, thanks. Thank you for stopping by, John. Oh, sure thanks, Cecil. Beware the unraveling of all things and support your local farmers. Yes. And, Maureen, can you just pop down to the library?

and do some research on Smiling Gods for me. Fine. Great. Listeners, if John and Maureen are back, then that must mean that the doors are working again. And this is fantastic news. I am now receiving reports that the rumbling is growing louder. And people are saying that they can feel it in their feet and in their teeth.

and they are becoming forgetful and objects are becoming transparent. The darkness of Night Vale is washing away. And what are we, Night Vale, without darkness, without shadows, and without secrets? Listeners, there is someone knocking on my station door, which must mean Carlos? Carlos, is that you? End of Part A. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner. And Joseph Fink.

Of welcome to Night Vale. And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television. To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost, the episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also, the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? For example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst.

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