Welcome to Night Vale - 49 - Old Oak Doors Part B

Episode Date: July 1, 2014

Night Vale begins its revolt against StrexCorp, and old oak doors are opening all over town. Good things are coming through. Terrible things are coming through. Also there's a mayoral election. Second of a two-part episode. This episode was recorded live at The Town Hall in NYC on June 4, 2014. Guest Voices (part 2): Hal Lublin, Kevin R. Free, Jasika Nicole, Symphony Sanders, Dylan Marron, Jackson Publick, and Mara Wilson Weather: “Call Off Your Ghost” by Dessa, featuring Aby Wolf and Paper Tiger (dessa.bandcamp.com) Live Music: Disparition, disparition.info, featuring Jon Bernstein, Deepthi Welaratna, Valerie Evering, and Mari Yamamoto Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now

is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th, so make sure you are still subscribed to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com And click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It's something else here now. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-Fi Vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch.

Saving those children is how we all go home. From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Without shadows and without secrets. Listeners, there is someone knocking on my station door, which must mean Carlos, is that you, come in and welcome home, my sweet cart. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Cecil, I was in the neighborhood and I wanted to stop by.

No. Eve Carlsberg. You do not get to just stop by the studio. You are not a radio professional. All right, fair, but I've been driving in circles around your station all day listening to the show,

and it caught me thinking. John Peters, you know, the farmer? Yes, I do know. He was like, Hey, y'all, there's a smiling guy, and the world is unraveling because I was in 4H Club. And he's mostly right.

But I think that it's not a smiling God but a secret underground missile testing site. No, listen, the secret underground missile testing site is below the rec center, Steve. Well, it's like the faceless old woman recently said while campaigning. She said,

I'm replacing all of your digital photo albums with classified pictures of secret missile testing sites. I think the faceless old woman understands what's really going on, whereas Hiram is like, well, I can't really be bothered with looking into government overspending because I

I am literally a five-headed dragon. And then his blue head is like, when you consider the mathematics, there's no benefit to us. And then Grace says, thinking about government interference makes me sad. And Violet says, We must be free above all.

We must be free and also above all other things. And then his last head just keeps roaring and saying, Your body burns quickly soft human protesters. But really, I was thinking about what your boyfriend Carlos said. Don't you dare, Steve Carlsberg. So, he said,

I'm certain I can stop the light from entering Nightvale. I have a simple device that will protect us. I am not dating a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz. That's not, no. You sure? I'm quite sure. All right, fair enough, but look, he's, and no offense, Cecil, but he's an outsider.

He's not from here. How do we know he's not part of the Super Underground secret military government that is testing missiles? Steve Carlsberg, did you just accuse my boyfriend of being a secret operative? Well, um, yeah. Because that'd be pretty cool, actually. That'd be awesome. It's dangerous, awesome. But it is, nevertheless, it is not true, Steve.

Plus, how many times do I have to tell you that they're... is nothing secret about the secret missile testing. It is as American as using drug-laced apple pie to test the effects of hallucinogens on innocent citizens. I think he brings up a good point, Cecil. You. How did you get in here? Hey, thanks, interloper. Whoa, cool eyes. Oh, thank you. I wish I could say the same. Cecil, listen, it's hard to get work done when there's all this fighting, and it's hard to smile when there's no working. And if we aren't smiling, then what value do we have?

Watch me smile. You monster. That was really gross. Do it again. Look at how much better we all feel from that. But right now, no one is being productive. There are angels. Actually, there's not.

No, no, not a thing. And a desert army out there battling. For what? For hooded figures? For forbidden dog parks? For a glow cloud? All hail. For the constant terror of a...

secret police who can invade your home at any time without so much as a letter from human resources? But they are our hooded figures, and it is our glow cloud. All hail. And this is our town, and it is terrible. But it is ours, and we are fighting for it. I used to feel that way about Desert Bluffs. So many secrets and conspiracies and darkness in our days. It all felt so important, so permanent.

But then we met the smiling God. Oh, it was wonderful. The sun stopped setting. Or maybe there wasn't a sun anymore. Maybe there was just that other... brighter light. Who knows? I do know that I couldn't stop smiling.

None of us could. And our smiles seemed better, fuller, wider. Soon we had no need for government cover-ups or secrets. Everything was transparent. Literally. You could see through everything and everyone. The bones, the blood, the scurrying insects, inside every human body. There was so much work to be done.

And such a wonderful company to do it for. Even the ones that resisted the most at first soon found that they loved the smiling God more than anyone. Even the most resistant of radio hosts soon found his way to productive work. Happy songs.

and a wide, gaping smile. So, let's do this together, Cecil. Believe with me in a smiling god, the Greater Night Vale and Desert Bluffs metropolitan area, a town with not one, but two happy, helpful voices. Listeners, Kevin has just opened up the studio door, only it is not the studio door. It is an oak door, and light, a blinding light is pouring in, and everything is becoming translucent. Do you see, friends, the beautiful majesty of living as one under the unrelenting love of a smiling guy?

You know, that company picnic of yours sure wasn't fun, but I got more done in two weeks than in the rest of my life combined. No, Steve, what are you saying? No. Kevin, before I step into your weird light, let me ask you about schools real fast. Now, my stepdaughter Janice is 10 years old, and the elementary schools are okay, but I don't know if I can afford to send her to private school when she's a little bit older. Or Steve Carlsberg, Desert Bluff schools are top-notch. Young Janice can take college prep courses as early as 12. Our charter schools even have great medical programs where they can heal her of all her problems.

I'm sorry, I don't get it. Yeah, Janice's uncle here, what do you mean by heal her? She can't walk, right? Yeah. Oh no, since birth. She can't. Well, rather than build all those crazy ramps and elevators, we just fix people so that they can become better and more productive. Awful and gross.

And I was only being polite about your eyes. They are weird. Now you'll listen to me. Listeners, Steve Carlsberg has just picked up Kevin by his blood-stained lapels. change my hometown. You will not change my stepbrother. And Kevin of Desert Bluffs, you will not change or fix

or do anything at all to my little girl. And Steve, Steve is carrying him to the open oak door, and he just pushed him through into that blinding, awful light. Oh, smile! And Kevin is gone. I did not like that.

guy very much. Me neither. Thanks, Steve. Anything for my girl. Try and tell me if there's something about her needs fixing. You know, Steve, we have our differences.

So many differences. More differences than not. Yeah, I understand what you're saying about the differences. But I am glad that you are are there to take care of Janice. And she could do a lot worse. Cecil? Oh, no, no, never again.

Now, please leave my studio and just stop barging in here with your stupid ideas about the world. Okay, I'll see you around, Cecil. Right. Oh, hey there, Steve Carlsberg. Aren't you important looking? Who, ho-hoo-hoo. Dana! Dana! You are...

You're actually back in the studio, and this is not just an image or an apparition? I am. I'm home. Our time and space finally, finally meet again. Oh, this is a happy, happy day. I am so glad to see you, too, Cecil. But I also came back to talk to the whole city. People of Nightvale. There is a light drowning out our sun and our...

minds, but there are angels and an army of masked warriors fighting back this terrible menace. Nightvale, stay safe. Stay home and do not get caught in the dangerous crossfire. The Desert Army and the angels, they are here to save us. People of Nightvale. Oh, Dana. I'm sorry, Dana, but I think that's Tamika Flynn from her secret broadcast site. People of Night Vale, hear me. Tamika?

The Tamika Flynn? Oh, hi, I'm Dana. I have heard so much about you. You are an inspiration. You are a hero. Thank you, Dana, but I am not a hero. Or we all are. Or the word has no meaning.

We must all save our town and ourselves. People of Night Vale, I'm calling you to arms. There are beings claiming to be angels, and this foreign army of giants fighting. Why can't we? Well, yes, that's good, but... People of Night Vale. Angels are definitely real. They are powerful and recently very wealthy, and they are tough to kill,

unlike humans who die easily and unexpectedly all the time from all sorts of little causes. Just wait and let them save us. Ah, I see. People of Nightvale do not be defined by how you can die, but how you can live. It is like the great writer and orator Booker T. Washington once said, In all things social, we can be as separate as fingers, yet one as the hand in all things essential to destroying a smiling God. Stay safe, Nightvale. Stay indoors and we will broadcast. has to let you know when it's all over.

Get out there, Nightveil. Grab anything you can and fight. Grab a slingshot and a book, say, an Amy Bender short story collection, or Milrod Pavich's Dictionary of the Causers. Or, if not a book, grab a rock. Or the throwing stars that come standard in most issues of McSweeney's.

Grab anything you can and fight. Do not believe. believe in heroes, believe in citizens. Be a citizen. Dana, I know that you have planned this well, and you are incredibly smart, but I think Tamika might be right. I think we have to all do this together,

and let us not repeat our sin of inaction. I mean, it has grown so bright, and I cannot see much. but what I can see is nearly transparent and I am forgetting and everything is coming apart and I can see the great glowing coils of the universe unwinding.

Nightvale Our time. Our time is now. Let us raise our fists and shout. I can almost hear it. I can almost hear a crowd shouting, Take down Strecks.

I can almost hear that crowd, but I cannot quite hear them. They need to raise their hands and shout it louder. They need to shout. Take down streaks. Every single one of them.

Take down streaks. Louder. Take down. Strex. And they scream it. Take down. Strex. And then they stop, not because they do not care,

but because they are people that are far away and not part of this story. They are part of a different story, a different fiction. But realizing this, they all shrug and sadly murmur to each other, Take Down Strikes? Take Down Strikes? Yeah, take down strikes. And then they are quiet and they hope for that rarest element of all. They hope for the best.

But in this story, in this fiction, I hear the sound of Nightvale fighting back and as the light of this smiling God grows brighter and as the shouts of this defiant night veil grow louder. And as I reach from my own, from my own personal copy of Kate Chopin's The Awakening. Well, more specifically for the tear gas canisters that came attached to the Hardback edition, I take all of you, all of us that are fighting, all of us together, all of us, all of us, to the weather.

Fend big money and I saw grown up, college, so high, who choose, across the floor, Just the decent thing to do Much we'd all been introduced You brought your new friend I brought my chain, can't speak curses do But it takes his tone You're asking, can't we just be friends

But this belly my chest still rings And it's better to just pretend that I can't see you waving Can you hear you call my name I know how much you hate it Maybe I gotta walk away You once said if we were careful that we could do this all our lives One of us got clumsy both of us got wives And now we're not so young saying I wish you were from

We've been living too long too close And I'm ready to let you go I'm ready I feel good I'm saying something crazy I don't think badly hopeful I hope she makes you happen It's just a lot to ask to watch your future walking past me

And I know that jealousy is a perfect waste of time But left to my devices I've spent by two long wasting my Spent by ten loavesing mind We've been living too close and I'm ready To let you go I'm ready Pull of your bone

Too close and I'm ready I'm ready to let you go. I'll go. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and counting. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics.

Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rbc trainingground.ca. Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Cecil Palmer. I'm off doing some important journalistic work, or maybe just petting Koshak. But either way, leave me a message. Cecil, hey, it's Carlos.

I hate that I got your voicemail, but listen, I figured it out. So we can't shut the oak doors unless everyone is back where they belong. And every moment those doors are open, more of that light gets through into Nightville. I couldn't figure out why we couldn't just keep the doors closed for good. And it was really frustrating to have a problem.

I couldn't solve. And then I got sad because I couldn't solve it. But then I did solve it and I felt so happy. So those are some but not all of the emotions that I had. Here is what I found. Nightvale is a place that is difficult to leave and difficult to enter. And connecting a place as weird as that with a place as weird as this was causing a lot of strange.

strain on linear time and space. So those native to Nightvale, Dana, John, the angry woman in the intern shirt, all had to return home, and the masked army all had to come back here, which they did. Just moments ago, the last of them came back through the door. It is so exciting when you make a scientific discovery like that. I was very happy. But then, as the last of the masked army members came through the door, it slammed shut and vanished. And I remembered that I am not from Nightvale. I remembered that as far as the laws of the universe are concerned,

it is not where I belong. Cecil, I don't even remember how I got to Nightfail in the first place. I mean, where is Nightvale even? But I promise I will find a way back. It'll just take a couple of days, a week max. I'll be fine. I'm a scientist. Cecil, a scientist is usually fine.

Maybe a few weeks, I don't know. The upside is Dana was right. I have had 97% battery all day and decent reception. So we'll at least get to talk every night. Best of luck at home. I love you. Listeners, night veil fought together. Every citizen.

High school football coach Nazer al-Mujahid in response to these streaks workers' ghastly smiles. showed them that thing that he can do with his tongue, which made many of them stop smiling and run screaming away. A balaclava-clad man wearing a mitre cloak and a giant silver star, and speaking through a vocoder, you know, the man that we all believe to be the sheriff of Night Vale, was dropping heavy bricks down on the invaders from his...

hover office in the clouds. Simone Rigido, the transient who lives in the Earth Sciences building at the Community College, found some experimental fish in the lab closet and put them into the fuel tanks of the yellow helicopters, which were already incapacitated by several plastic bags that had blown out of the forbidden dog park and then, you know, wrap themselves up in the rotors and

old woman Josie and her supposed angel friends protected the empty lot where she plans to rebuild Night Vale's old opera house. The strex attackers were picked up by her winged friends

and flown far into the sky higher than even the sheriff's hover office. And, of course, a group of teenagers led by Tamika Flynn chased out everyone at StrexCorp headquarters by slingshoting copies of Stephen Covey's best-selling self-help book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And the civilization of tiny people living below Lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. Well, they did something. I'm not terribly sure, but, you know, because they're too tiny to be noticed amid all the action. Which is to say, Strex has retreated.

And the blood-covered office workers are gone. And the old oak doors, they are also gone. And with them, that penetrating vicious light. and we are safely in darkness once again. A very wealthy looking and mostly nude being named Erica, who introduced themselves as, you know, an angel or whatever, then wrote a check to purchase Strex Corp. And while they are not technically,

technically for sale, there was no one to decline the offer. So, according to American business law, that is a legal acquisition. It is not yet known what the angels will do with the vast corporation they now own. And I think, at last, we are ourselves. We are night veil once again. Even here at the station, the office of station management now is just a stone slab covering a dark cave, a pulsing red glow around its edges, filling my mind with sad and monstrous visions when I walk past the door. So it seems like our old management is back in charge. And that is...

Well, I think that's a good thing. I think. I mean, it's possible that that is, in fact, terrifying news. So, I think, I guess, we won. Speaking of winning. Yes. Right. The election.

Okay. Well, it looks like we didn't quite get all of the votes in yet. So we are going to speed things up. Listeners, listeners, wherever you are listening to this, just follow along. When I say the name of the candidate you prefer, raise your hand. So, I will say the name, you raise your hand, and the cameras that are everywhere in town watching your every move will count your vote. So, raise your hand to vote for,

Hiram McDaniels. I thought there would be more. Do they not like me? Raise your hands for me! Or I will relieve you of the burden of having hands! All right. Okay, hands down. Now, raise your hand for the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home.

I am in your home at this very moment. I am in a way, your guest. It would be rude as a host if you did not raise your hand for me while I was sitting right there unseen next to you. It might make me angry. I've never been angry. I wonder what I'm like when I'm angry. It will be interesting for us to find out together

if you do not raise your hand for me. Oh, okay, okay, great. Hands down. Now, I am fairly certain that some of you voted for both. and thus negated yourselves. You'll know if one of your friends did this because they will soon fade from existence forever. Anyway, that's all the votes in, but of course, none of the votes matter. Because the election is decided by the pulses coming from Hidden Gorge.

I am now being handed the results by an election official in four. full uniform, a plague doctor mask, an off-brand snuggy, and stilts. And the next mayor of Nightvale is... I just want to thank every person who voted for me. You're all winners in my book. And we've recorded all of your names right here in this book.

I just ate one of your highlighters. I'm sorry I'm nervous I'll replace it with a crow's feather just as soon as I am mayor Oh well it says here

that the next mayor of Nightvale is Dana Cardinal I'm sorry Cecil I don't want to get obnoxious about this but it's pronounced Hiram that wasn't even close

I know I'm sorry, this must be a disappointment to you both, but I'm just reading what the gorge is decreed. Your former intern, Dana, but she wasn't even a candidate. And she's so young and not ancient. Dana, the intern who came home, it is like I told you once, you were always important.

This is unacceptable. Prepare to burn! And that you were always somebody, and now age has uncovered the you that was all... Okay. Hiram, please. I'm in the middle of doing something right now. It's the you that always was, but I can't remember what I said.

She can't be mayor. She is a murderer. She killed her own double. Well, now, now, I don't know if murder should necessarily disqualify someone from being irrelevant. There is a 50% chance that her victim was Dana original and not Dana double. Oh yeah, thanks, Blue. Forget that other thing I was saying about murder. She has no proof that she is not a double. of herself. That's right. There's no proof of... Everybody knows that being a double is one of the few manifestations of reality

that cannot be Nightvale mayor. I do not accept these results. I am continuing my campaign and I will make sure that Dana does not stay mayor for long. And I find myself agreeing with the faceless old woman. We will not rest until one of us is rightfully mayor. Or until Night Vale burns to ashes and fumes. Exactly green, yes. Now, I really must object to all of this.

Come, Hiram. You and I have planning to do. Yeah. Well, once again, it's just you and me, listeners. The bustle of this day has come and gone, and now there is the quiet night. The universe is unraveling. It still is. We won the day.

We won the battle. We won whatever unit of measurement you care to say that we won. We returned to the dangerous equilibrium we had before, which we can only assume or hope or wish is better. But, of course, we did not stop the unraveling of the universe. The universe is not a thing that is. not a thing at all. It is the very action of its going. It is in fact its own dissolves. And our lives, the entire span of human existence going back and back. And if we are lucky,

forward and forward, the entire span is spent within this dissolve. So, look at the fleeting stars with fleeting eyes and feel how the earth beneath you gives. It is all a temporary manifestation of particles and it is all unraveling back to particulate silence. The bustle of the human day will come and will go. And then there will be night. How beautiful these moments within the dissolve. What a temporary perfection we can find within this passing world. Everything good, ever done.

Everything good that was done today and all the good people doing it. And back and back and forward and forward. All of that beauty within a universe unraveling. Be proud of your place in the cosmos. It is small. And yet it is how unlikely, how fantastic and stupid and excellent and excellent. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It looks like I have a voicemail from Carlos. He must have called during the weather. I apologize, listeners. I have to check this. So, stay tuned next for more of us and more of me until that inevitable distant point where I and this and everything must end. And as always, good night.

Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and by Jeffrey Crater. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Hiram was Jackson Public. The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinner.

The voice of Lauren Mallard was Lauren Sharp. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free. The voice of Tamiko was Symphony Sanders. The voice of Dana was Jaseka Nicole. The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, was Mark Gagliardi. Voice of intern Maureen was Maureen Johnson. The voice of Steve was Hal Lublin.

Original music by Dysperition. Disparition is led by John Bernstein featuring Deep The Valeranta, Valerie Evering, and Mari Yamamoto. Today's weather was Call Off Your Ghost by Dessa. Featuring Abby Wolf and Paper Tiger, today's proverb. Wonderwall is the only 90s song visible from space. Hi guys. So one year ago, we did a one-year anniversary party for Nightville in a bar in lower Manhattan. There was 115 people there.

I'm not great at math, but there's a little more than that tonight. This is a thing that we love making, and we have loved making it since we saw. started it two years ago, and we would love to continue making it, and whether it's for 115 people or for you people or for anywhere we can do it, and we just thank you for helping to make this happen. Thank you guys so much. Thank you so, so much. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester, on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand-new. We'll be live on live.

live shows called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.