Welcome to Night Vale - 5 - The Shape in Grove Park

Episode Date: August 15, 2012

A protest against the removal of the Shape In Grove Park That No One Acknowledges Or Speaks About. Plus, changes to the school curriculum, a growing tarantula problem in town, and musical auditions! Weather: "Jerusalem" by Dan Bern, danbern.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbail merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have

all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe.

And hey, thanks. It's something else here now. Something new. From. Exclusively on Paramount Plus. It's the series Stephen King calls scary as hell. Everything here is impossible,

but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home.

From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Close your eyes. let my words wash over you. You are safe now. Welcome to Nightvale. Local historians are protesting the removal of the shape in Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about. While their protest has been hampered by the fact that none of them will acknowledge or speak about it,

they did, through a system of gestures and grimaces, convey the message that, whatever the shape is and whatever. its effect on nearby neighborhoods, it is a night veil landmark and should be protected. The shape itself offered no comment, only a low moaning and gelatinous quiver. The city council would not provide any reason for the removal, but did say that any work in Grove Park was making way for a new swing set, picnic area, and Bloodstone Circle, which we all can agree are good contributions to the community. The Night Vale Green Market Co-op announced today that after 15 years they will begin selling fruits and vegetables. Green Market

Board President Tristan Cortez said that recent customer surveys indicated that shoppers have grown tired of empty pickup trucks and vacant tents lining the City Hall parking lot every Sunday morning in the summer and fall. Cortez said that research indicates consumers are more likely to buy products if they are available and for sale, and that green market and grocery shoppers tend to purchase food items. Cortez said that the decision to sell food at the green market was a controversial one, as many board members and co-op shareholders feel fruit and vegetable sales will interfere with their ongoing secretive domestic. espionage operations. When reached for comment, our source within the secret police

only breathed heavily into the phone while tapping an as-yet-uncracked code into the receiver. Michael Sandero, starting quarterback for the Night Vale Scorpions, has reportedly grown a second head. It is not currently known whether this is a result of the previously reported lightning strike, or just another odd coincidence in the kids' odd life. People in the know say that the new head is better looking and smarter than the first one, and even Michael's mother has issued a statement indicating that she likes it much better than her son, and that she will be changing the rankings on the public, which of my children

I like best, bored outside her house. Sendero could not be reached for comment. Probably. We didn't try. Friends, listeners, there's a real tarantula problem here in Night Vale. Many residents have called in to report that illiteracy, unwanted pregnancy,

and violent crime are on the rise in the tarantula communities. Animal control is addressing these concerns through after-school programs called teach a spider to read, stop the madness. Those interested in volunteering should stand in their bathtubs and weep until it is all gone. Nothing left. You can let go now. Let go.

Shh. Let go. And now a message from our sponsor. Tired of your home. Sick of comfort. Come to the hole in the vacant lives. out back of the Ralph's and huddle with us. Who are we?

Good question. Come to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph's and huddle with us. Why do we want you to come? Why did we spend money for this airtime? We understand you are confused. But whole, vacant lot, Ralph's, huddle, Us. For the low, low price, act today, or tomorrow. Not Wednesday. Wednesday is no good for us.

Anyway, we're almost out of air time, so just come on down to the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Rouse and huddle with us. Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Ladies and gentlemen, the rumor mill is a buzz. We've had a celebrity site. We've had a celebrity in our little burg. Old woman Josie and one of her angeled friends reportedly saw Rita Hayworth getting gas at the fuel and go over by the bowling alley. Rita Hayworth, ladies and gentlemen, right here in Night Vale. Can you believe it? Old woman Josie said Rita was looking a bit older, moderately obese, and considerably more Hispanic, but the angel assured her it was indeed Rita. he is an angel after all, he would know, right?

Wow, Rita Hayworth, right here in Night Vale. Just imagine. Update on the shape formerly in Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about. It seems the city council, in their superhuman mercy and all-seeing glory, have chosen to move the shape directly in front of our own radio station, where it is continuing to be what can only be described as indescribable. The shape was not available for comment as I could find no one willing to speak to it or even meet my eye when I mentioned it.

It has occurred to me that I may be the only one able to see it. Now that I think about it, I have also never bothered to actually check whether this mic is attached to any sort of recording or broadcasting device. and it is possible that I am alone in an empty universe, speaking to no one, unaware that the world is held aloft merely by my delusions and my smooth, sonorous voice. More on this story as it develops, I say, possibly only to myself.

The Night Vale Community Theatre is holding auditions for its fall show, once on this island. Interested Thespians should bring a headshot and resume to the Recreation Center Auditorium on Thursday night. All auditionees must perform a one-minute monologue and sing one song. Bring sheet music if you would like piano accompaniment. Auditionees will also be required to do a cold reading

and give blood and stool samples along with mandatory radiation testing following the auditions. Do not sing anything from South Pacific. People of color are urged to audition as Night Vale Community Theater is an equal opportunity employer. Also, actors with long-range sniper training, Fortran computer programming, and top-notch wilderness survival skills are A-plus. Final casting will be announced in secret via dirigible. No one can ever know. Update on the green market situation from earlier in our broadcast.

Everything is exactly the same as when we last reported on it. There is no new information. Listeners, do you ever think about the moon? I was sitting outside last night, looking at the moon, and I thought, does anyone actually know what that thing is? Have there been any studies on this? I went to ask Carlos, but he hasn't been seen much since that treacherous telly's vile haircut. The moon's weird, though, right?

It's there and there, and then suddenly it's not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it watching us? If not, what is it watching instead? Is there something more interesting than us? Hey, watch us, moon. we may not always be the best show in the universe, but we try. This has been today's Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Speaking of which, the Knight Vale School District has announced some changes to the elementary school curriculum. They are as follows. In response to parent feedback, history class will focus more heavily on textbook readings and traditional exams, rather than live ammo drills. Geology is adding a new type of rock on the grounds that it's been a while since anyone has done that. The new type of rock is Vimbi, and it is categorized by its pale blue color

and the fact that it is completely edible. Points will be awarded to the first student to discover a real-world example of it. Math and English are switching names. Their curriculum will stay exactly the same. Astronomy will now be conducting stargazing sessions only with blindfolds on every participant, in order to protect them from the existential terror of the void. Also, Pluto has been declared imaginary.

All classrooms will be equipped with at least one teacher physically present for the entire instruction period. Astral projection will no longer be used in any classroom situation. Finally, in addition to the current foreign language offerings of Spanish, French, and modified Sumerian, schools will now be offering double Spanish, Weird Spanish, Coptic Spanish, Russian, and Unmodified Sumerian. And now a continuation of our previous investigation, into whether I am literally the only person in the world, speaking to myself in a fit of madness caused by my inability to admit the tragedy of my own existence.

Leland, our newest intern, recently brought me a cup of coffee. He is no longer in my field of vision, but I do still have the cup of coffee, which is well made and is giving me the needed pick-me-up to continue considering this terrifying possibility. Is it possible that I only imagine? imagined Leland and forgot making myself this cup of coffee? But then, who would have grown this coffee? Where was this cup procured from? Oh, Leland's back in the room. He's waving at me. Hello, Leland.

And he's saying, wait, what was that, Leland? I see. He's saying that the shape has turned a molten red and is causing small whirlwinds in front of our radio station doors. There is apparently a sound of a great many voices chanting as though it were an army giving out a battle cry before raining down destruction on our arid little hamlet. Oh, he has stopped shouting and is now writing furiously on a piece of paper. I have to say Leland's existence, as well as his finally speaking about the shape that no one else would speak about, has reassured me greatly about my lonely and solipsistic vigil here at this microphone. He is handing me the note. Thank you, Leland. Let me see here.

Ah. It says that the city council believes the reason for the violent reaction of the shape formerly in Grove Park that no one acknowledges or speaks about is because I have been acknowledging and speaking about it, which has made it angry. They urge me to stop speaking of it and never do it again, and in exchange they'll move it somewhere. else so we can get our front loading zone back.

After brief consideration, I have decided to accept the council's offer, because they are trustworthy leaders looking out for our better future, and also because Leland just got vaporized by a strange red light emanating from the station entrance. To the family of Leland, we thank you for his service to the cause of community radio, and join you in mourning his loss. And, without further ado, nor ever again mentioning anything we shouldn't, let's go to the weather. I tell you that I love you, don't test my love, accept my love, don't test my love, because maybe I don't love you all that much.

Don't ask what kind of music I'm going to play tonight, just stay a while. Here for yourself a while And if you must put me in a box Make sure it's a big box With lots of windows And a door to walk through And a nice hot chimney Turn everything that we don't like

And watch the ashes Fly up to heaven Like that Things came to my door They said you want to be an ancient king too I said oh yes very much But I think my timing's wrong Thinks that time is relative

Or did you misread Einstein I said do you really mean it Think so what do you think we come here for Our goddamn health or something Waiting for the Messiah The Jews are waiting Christians are waiting Also the Muslims

It's like everybody's waiting They've been waiting a long time I know how I hate to wait Like even for a bus or something An important phone comes So I can just imagine how darned impatient Everybody must be getting So I think it's time now

Time to reveal myself I am the Messiah I am the Messiah Yes I think you heard me right I am the Messiah I was gonna wait till next year Build up the suspense a little Making a really big surprise

But I could not resist It's like when you got a really big secret You're just person to tell someone It was sort of like that with this And now that I've told you I feel this great weight lifted Dr. Nussbaum was right He's my therapist

He said get it out in the open I spent 10 whole day Nothing but olives Mountains of olives It was a good 10 days I like olives I like you I tell you that I love you

Don't test my love Accept my love Don't test my love Because maybe I don't love you All that much Hello listeners In breaking news

The sky The earth Life Existence as a an unchanging plain with horizons of birth and death in the faint distance. We have nothing to speak about. There never was. Words are an unnecessary trouble.

Expression is time wasting away. Any communication is just a yelp in the darkness. Ladies, gentlemen, listeners. You. I am speaking now, but I am saying nothing. I am just making noises, and as it happens, they are organized in words, and you should not draw meaning from this. The service for Leland will be lovely.

We will throw flowers and weep. He will be buried in the breakroom, as is the custom. His family will come and moon about the coffee, as though we have answers. We do not have answers. I am not certain that we even have questions. I have chosen to not be certain of anything at all. This is Cecil, generally, speaking to you, metaphorically, for Nightvale Community Radio.

And I would like to say, in the most nebulous terms possible, and with no real-world implications or insinuations of objective meaning, good night, listeners. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Think and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Think. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition. info, or at disparition.com.

This episode's weather was Jerusalem by Dan Byrne. Find out more at danburn.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvail radio. Check out welcome to nightvail.com for more information on this show as well as our touring Nightvale live show. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. You're a peach.

literally. Today's proverb, a million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? A basilisk. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only. the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.