Welcome to Night Vale - 50 - Capital Campaign

Episode Date: July 15, 2014

The Night Vale Community College begins a capital campaign to fund a new science center. Tourniquet hires a new sous chef, inauguration day for the new mayor, and an update from the otherworld desert. This episode was co-written with Ashley Lierman. Weather: "Ghost Story" by Charming Disaster (charmingdisaster.bandcamp.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number 9. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Home is where the heart is. We found it one day in the sink. It hums things late at night, but they are not songs. Welcome. to Nightvale.

If there's one thing I've learned as a proud citizen of Nightvale, it's that horses are incredibly susceptible to suggestions from government satellites. But I've also learned that Night Vale is a community that cares about education. Night Vale is a community that fears education. Night Vale is a community that allows education to happen the way. terrified campers allow bears to eat their food. Education is important, say whispers with no obvious source we all hear every night.

College graduation rates in our little town are above the national average. We bravely continue to promote literacy in spite of the terrible dangers associated with books. Our truancy rates have significantly declined due to the Sheriff's Secret Polices program of humane low-fatality taserings. So, I know we can count on all of you to support the Night Vale Community College Capital Campaign, which was launched this past Monday to fund the establishment of a new science center for students. Science, I especially believe, is very important. College President Sarah Sultan announced, In our present rapidly changing technological environment, it is more important than ever

to encourage students to consider study and careers in all the sciences. Except astronomy! She added, pretending she was coughing. Nobody cares about astronomy, she said obviously under a cough. Reporters stood quiet and confused about how President Sultan could make such an announcement as she is a smooth, fist-sized river rock and has no visible mouth and likely no internal organs, muscles or passageways that can create a human-sounding voice. Telepathy, President Sultan said with a cough.

It's telepathy, you guys. She said in all of our minds. Fundraising opportunities like these can make a huge difference to small local colleges. So please, Night Vale, consider making a contribution. As always, you can give to the capital campaign by burying your check, cash, or credit card donation in warm, wet earth, and whispering, I know what you did. I do not forget. I've gotten a lot of calls, emails, telegrams, and sympathetic glances the past couple of weeks. from people who are wondering if Carlos the scientist has returned from the other world desert he is trapped in. And here I remind you that he became trapped there while saving our city

from treacherous, dark forces. I remind you he is a hero. I remind you that my boyfriend is a hero. Sadly, Carlos is still in the desert. The same desert our new mayor was once trapped in. Fortunately, as Dana discovered, cell phone batteries last forever there, and there's pretty good Wi-Fi despite there being just vast amounts of sand and, apparently, a mountain. But if our mayor can make it out of the desert, fine. I think a scientist can too. Scientists are always fine. Listeners, I've been seeing all the reviews

for that new restaurant, tourniquet. Sounds like executive chef Lashon Mason has created a real culinary hit. It's almost impossible to get a reservation there. I tried to get a table for or just one, of course. And the nearest available date was not for another two months. And even then, it wasn't a reservation for tourniquet, but for Applebee's. Actually, you know what? I think I've been looking at the Applebee's website. It's very easy to misspell tourniquet.

Anyway, Gia Samuel's review in the Lowe's Review in the latest issue of the Night Vale Daily Journal mentioned Ternicot Sue Chef Earl Harlan. And that surprised me. He was a childhood friend of mine, and I had no idea he was a professional chef. It also surprised me because he was dragged away screaming by the herd of mute children at last year's Eternal Scout ceremonies. Very few ever survived. Boy Scout Courts of Honor, especially not those dragged away by the mute children. So, it's good to see Earl back home and safe, and likely returning to his volunteer duties as Scoutmaster. I hope one day I can get a reservation to his fine restaurant.

Um, let me see. No, nothing. Oh, wait. Yes. Yes. I got one. I... Oh, nope. No, I'm on the Applebee's website again. Never mind. An update on the progress of the Knight Vale Community College Capital Campaign. Thanks to the generous donations of Night Vale Citizens,

the campaign has already reached 30% of its target goal. A particularly notable gift was made by, local eccentric recluse and proud alumna, Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham. The college fundraising staff was caught off guard by this donation, as no one has heard from or seen Mrs. Wickersham in over a decade. Also, the gift was a fine porcelain vase, filled with two dozen English Angora rabbits. college representatives expressed their gratitude for Mrs. Wickersham's generous and super cute contribution, of course, but would like to remind the greater community that it is preferred that donations be made via cash, check, credit card, spinal columns, or other common negotiable currencies. money. College representatives added helpfully, through the narrow crack of a slightly lifted manhole

cover on Main Street, you know, the kind you use to procure goods and services when you still have a physical form. They added in spray-painted bubble graffiti on the side of an abandoned warehouse near the train tracks. More on this, as there is more on this. Vail, our new leader is almost here. This Friday is inauguration day for our new mayor, Dana Cardinal, who used to be an intern at this very radio station. Dana may, in fact, be the most successful intern this station has ever had. So few of our interns have ever gone on to do anything.

Important. Gone on to do anything important. Inagoration of new mayors includes a swearing-in ceremony that takes place behind a thick velvet curtain. The curtain is raised a few inches, and all the press and public are shown a few shuffling feet, and hear loud, high-pitched shouts. The mayoral swearing-in ceremony is the one point in Night Vale's political calendar, where citizens may voice their opinions and beliefs, without risking reprisal or imprisonment. They are, in fact, encouraged to shout even the most forbidden beliefs and thoughts during the ceremony, openly, and without fear.

The event will take place in an undisclosed location 200 miles from downtown Night Vale and will be exactly two minutes long. Former mayoral candidates, the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, and Hiram McDaniels, who is literally a five-headed dragon, have both declared this a botched election, and are filing for a recount. By shouting their complaints into the side of a canyon wall, they think might be hidden gorge. No one can tell exactly where hidden gorge is, which is how it got its name, Gorge. It doesn't matter. I'm ecstatic for our new mayor. It'll be weird having a former intern as a leader, but I just think she'll do a wonderful job.

Congratulations, old, young friend. I've just been informed that Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham has made another large donation to the Night Vale Community College Capital Campaign. This one consisting of 1,000 live and extremely fluffy rabbits. The Capitol Committee is beginning to have difficulty finding space on campus to house her donations. What foliage existed on campus has been immediately devoured. Several of the botany programs' greenhouses have been broken into, and ransacked. And many of the rabbits have reportedly entered the student center, refusing to wait in line before ordering at the snack bar and taking way more napkins than they need.

In an effort to make the most of this impressive endowment, the Capital Committee is currently discussing the possibility of repurposing some of the rabbits toward residents' life operations. English Angkor rabbits are well known for their thick, soft, silky wool, so the college's student housing office feels this presents an opportunity to make new blankets and rugs and hats and blindfolds for students, as well as winter cloaks for the coyote-faced advisors that lurk about the student programs office. Representatives have attempted to contact Mrs. Wickersham to discuss the possible redistribution of her generous gifts, but without success.

More curiously, when attempting to visit Mrs. Wickersham's home, committee members were informed by her neighbors that they have never actually seen Mrs. Wickersham, but they often have dreams of her. I mean, she never looks like herself. of the neighbors stated. Generally she appears as a hovering green box that pulses with light and her voice sounds like an oboe playing a whole note but like in this dream kind of way where I totally know it's her. They concluded. Some committee members raised questions about how an incorporeal dream being could donate wild animals and also

If maybe, she could stop doing that. Those members were quietly removed from the room by other committee members. In any case, Night Vale, let us hold Mrs. Wickersham in our thoughts, and of course, dreams, and hope for her safe return, or possibly for an end to her rabbit donations. Both would be nice, but let's not be good. greedy, Night Vale. We all take what we can get in this life, you know? We take what we can get. Uh, bad news from the Night Vale Community College, listeners. A donation of 5,000 English Angora rabbits in the name of Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham have just arrived at the college's fundraising

headquarters. It's uncertain how they found their way there, as said headquarters, had already been relocated to the underground emergency fundraising-related disaster bunker constructed in the 1970s by Dr. Erlis Badermeier, the community college's all-time second least popular president. As of last report, the rabbits have invaded and taken over control of fundraising headquarters, using dedicated telephone lines to make personal calls, uttering insensitive remarks about the body types of students and staff, and tilting the vending machines in clear violation of safety labeling. Simone Riggedo, the transient who lives in the Earth Sciences building, says these are typical behaviors for this breed of rabbit and that she is not surprised. She also

repeated her claim that the world ended more than 30 years ago before grunting some French cuss words and disappearing into a small, round hole in the wall. The 6,800 rabbits, more rabbits now than students, are running amok throughout campus. They have disrupted lectures and shown flagrant disrespect for faculty. They have joined academic. and social organizations and are engaged in irresponsible drinking. There are even reports that these vulgar, cuddly rodents broke into the college president's office and licked viciously on President Sultan for several minutes before her administrative assistant could free her. Listeners, this is an urgent situation. These rabbits, well, all rabbits, really,

are a menace, and they now have access to all the advantages of higher education. I advise you to lock your bookshelves, eat your diplomas, and place any vulnerable stones or rocks in your home on high inaccessible shelves. If you see a rabbit, do not attempt to engage it in debate on post-structuralism, semiotics, gender politics, or sporting events. Even as I speak to you, college officials and the sheriff's secret police are desperately searching for Mrs. Wickersham, hoping to mitigate some of the damage that is being done. I hope they find her, Night Vale.

I hope that the rabbits do not find us. I hope that we all find something, or someone, that can keep the light on a little longer against the endless pressing dark. And in the meantime, I take you now to the weather. I'm in casseroles and pray for his immortal soul. They think I'm in widow's weeds, but pity's the last thing I need. I dress in black and wear a veil to hide bright eyes and skin so pale. And make sure that nobody sees the marks of love.

my loverly since the day they told me he was gone hearts be faithful to dawn hear him whisper can't you see we got a good thing here a pass away they don't reach the heaven that they've prayed the fallacy their afterlife turned out to be they bitch and moan and hide your keys So talk to psychics on TV They just groan and shake their chains When I saved my babies on the physical plane And I died upon that co-co

Made a promise to leave her aside Now she knows that there's nothing to fear Can't you see we got a gun run my fingers through her hair Me so happy. Could I have imagined this sweet bliss would be... I used to be an angry man. I wanted things that weren't mine. At 15 paces in the sand, I left that all behind.

Now my spirits rise when she turns out her bedroom light. I gently haunt my lover in... They try to comfort me with blood of tears. They don't know I'm in a real fine one. There's no reason I should shed one. Don't talk to near death to us. Part between us, we should. Can't you see we got it?

We have received information that agents of the sheriff's secret police broke down the door to Mrs. Sylvia Wickersham's neo-Victorian home on the east side of town. Their search of the house found it completely empty and uninhabited, with the exception of a small, green tree lizard, sunning itself in the front parlor. The sheriff's secret police grabbed the lizard and were on the verge of eating it, as none of them had had lunch that day. Well, I mean, some raisins and a few roasted almonds, but that's not really a full lunch. And lizards are a complete protein.

But the capital campaign committee stopped them. This is Mrs. Wickersham, said a committee member. This is Mrs. Wickersham? Said the secret police person. Yes, the committee member said, explaining further that Mrs. Wickersham was a high-level donor to the college. At certain levels, donors receive benefits like mugs or tote bags or names carved into bloodstones. At higher levels, donors receive benefits like mugs or tote bags or names carved into bloodstones.

At higher levels, donors receive very special benefits, like being able to invade the dreams of their neighbors, or having all of their belongings taken from their home, or being transformed permanently into a tree lizard. Most of our benefactors choose a hila or skink or chunk walla, the committee member said, quoting from the college's own fundraising brochure as the lizard form of Mrs. Wickersham dangled. and squirmed above the sheriff's secret police person's gaping purple maw. Mrs. Wickersham takes a lot of pride in her alma mater, the committee member explained, and she has donated so much to the college. None of it has ever been money, but she is a valued donor to the community, continued the committee member as a brass band somewhere else in the world, and completely unrelated to this story, played eighth notes quickly, but softly.

Why did you make a big fuss about it and call us here? said the secret police person. Oh, that, said the committee member shrugging. It was just a good publicity for our capital campaign. The Sheriff's Secret Police coaxed the tree lizard into a comfortable viarium filled with fresh reptile bark, wrote evidence on the side of it in Sharpie, and removed it to an undisclosed location near the microwave in the Secret Police break room. In her absence, Mrs. Wickersham's necks of kin was found to legally be her dry cleaner, Ben Burnham, who was amenable to the idea of retracting Mrs. Wickersham's next-of-kin, was found to legally be her dry-cleaner, Ben Burnham, who was amenable to the idea of retracting Mrs. Wickersham's donation. More specifically what he said was, yeah, sure, whatever, what do I care? All the colleges are just factories for little socialist robots these days anyway. Beep boop, beep boop, free health care for everybody. Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop, I'm a robot.

Then he began to, without breaking eye contact, eat the plastic hanging bags on his desk, starting from the top and working his way down. The rabbits have been removed and redonated to the Night Vale Petting Zoo. This worked out well since until today the Night Vale Petting Zoo has only ever housed emaciated wolves. But now, thanks to Mr. Burnham's donation, on behalf of Mrs. Wickersham, of nearly 8,000 cuddly rabbits, those wolves will not be hungry again for months. Despite all interruptions, the Nightvale Community College Capital campaign has actually surpassed its undisclosed goal, and construction of the Science Center is slated to begin

this coming summer. The Capital Committee would like to extend its thanks to everyone who donated. A community that cares for education, after all, is a community that cares for its future. with all the fear and respect and awe that the future is due. Knowledge may be terrible, but we can only prefer it to ignorance. Light may be terrible, but we can only prefer it to the dark. Stay tuned next for a reality that cannot possibly match expectation. And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night. Welcome to Nightvale's production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner, and produced by Joseph Fink. This episode was co-written with Ashley Learman. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at dispersion.in. Or at disparition.com.

Where he has a brand new album with guest work from Cecil Baldwin and Gabriel Royal. This episode's weather was Ghost Story by Charming Disaster. Find out more at charmingdisaster.com. Comments, questions, email us at nightvail at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightfell stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb. Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War II. Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now,

with Season 3 dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out unlicensed, available now only at audible.com.