Welcome to Night Vale - 56 - Homecoming

Episode Date: October 15, 2014

An athletic scandal threatens the annual Night Vale High School Homecoming Game. Plus, a seismological update and a new cooking segment with an old friend. The voice of Earl Harlan was Wil Wheaton. Weather: "Understood" by Y.R Generation (yrgeneration.bandcamp.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now

is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th, so make sure you are still subscribed to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool Nightville merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on Store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com And click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks.

It is autumn, and nature is vanishing. It is autumn, and nature is beautiful. Welcome to Night Vale. It's that time of year again, listeners. This Friday night is Night Vale High School's homecoming game. I'm not much of a sports fan, but this is the one game I truly care of. about. All of the Night Vale High alumni come together for it. Everyone, current students, former students, students long dead, future students who aren't born yet. It's the one night we can

see our loved ones who have been lost to time and mortality. The dead alumni come out at halftime, and we all get to visit with them while the marching bands go spear-hunting for dinner. Oh, I can't wait to see my late mother again this Friday night, especially after I found those old cassette tapes last fall. I have so many questions, important questions. And with Carlos out of town, I've gotten kind of isolated, a little hermit-like lately. I need to get out. This year's homecoming means more to me than ever. Plus, we're playing the Red Mesa High School Ant Carpenters,

who were dreadful last year, so should be a fun night and a big win for our team. Team? Team. It's a football team, right? A baseball club, a soccer unkindness, a hockey murder, a football team. Yes, that's it. Team.

And now a public service announcement from the Night Vale Seismological Society, who have released their schedule of upcoming municipally planned earthquakes. On Sunday, from 8 a.m. to 8.30 a.m., there will be a small series of minor tremors. It's likely you will feel nothing, the seismologists say, as these quakes are just to test some new equipment. At 3 p.m. on Tuesday, there will be an enormous earthquake, raiding upwards of 7 to 8 on the Richter scale, so wear long sleeves or goggles or, gloves, whatever it is you do to be safe during an earthquake. We're not entirely sure, the Night Vale Seismological Society said. The following Saturday, be ready for anything.

They're not sure what's going to happen. Maybe nothing. Probably nothing. But... But hopefully something really, really cool. They don't want to get your hopes up, so just be on the lookout, but no promises. Oh, man, fingers crossed. This could be super amazing, the Nightbale Seismological Society said. This just in. There's news breaking. of a possible scandal involving one of the Night Vale football players,

senior running back, Malik Herrera. According to an investigative report by Leanne Hart of the Night Vale Daily Journal, Herrera doesn't actually exist. Like he's right there when you look at him, and he plays in a team of other players, so it would make more sense for him to be there than not. But Hart claims in her report that the all-district running back is, in fact, completely fabricated. Anonymous sources say that Herrera is collectively imagined by the Night Vale High School fan base,

a shared dream in the form of a boy who won the district rushing title the past two years and was freshman of the year three seasons ago. Red Mesa is threatening to cancel this Friday's game if Nightvale does not bench Herrera, citing District League Rule 12 Article 6 that states, All players must be real people. Don't not be a person, okay? The rule continues,

because if you're not really real, man, I'm mad just thinking about it. Nightvale High School head coach Nazer al-Mujaheed said they will not bench any player until a full investigation is performed, which can't happen until Tuesday. Maybe. Monday at the earliest. Coach Al-Mujahehe then concluded the statement by removing his goat-horned headpiece and comically large sunglasses, revealing tattoos of cat eyes on his eyelids. The gathered reporters shouted.

Nightvale, if there's no game, there's no homecoming. If there's no homecoming, we will miss the one chance we have this year to see our lost loved ones. I will miss the chance to talk to my mother, to see many of my friends to get out for once and not feel so lonely. We will not have our biggest night of the year to come together as a community. I hope this scandal is not true. And if it is that it doesn't, you know, ruin anything. Well, there is at least one old friend I'll get to see.

Listeners, I'm so excited for this next segment. My old friend, Earl Harlan, is in the studio today. Earl is the new sous chef at Night Vale's hottest restaurant, Terniquet. And he's here to teach us a simple and delicious dessert recipe. Welcome, Earl. It's good to see you again, Cecil. It's been a long time. Many of you listening may not know this, but Earl and I grew up

together. We fell out of touch for a while, and then he was taken to another world during a Boy Scout ceremony. But I recently saw his name in the news releases about Ternicott. We were very close friends. We were, Earl. What happened after high school? I completely lost track of you. Well, I turned 19, and then I was 19 for a long time. I don't even know how long. long. I was 19 for longer than I care to admit. And then one day, I was suddenly a grownup. I had a kid in a house and a job. Some of us mature early, some of us mature late. It sounds like you had plenty of youth left to live after high school and you just came to adulthood later. See, so I meant that literally. I was literally 19 for, I think it was decades, maybe a century.

or more? I don't know exactly how long. Cecil, we graduated the same year, right? Yeah, of course we did. I remember our graduation party. We drank an entire case of warm orange milk and told dirty jokes about the moon until we were frightened off by the sunrise.

What year was that? Cecil, what year did we graduate? You don't remember, do you, Cecil? So, tell us about your recipe, Earl. Okay, sure thing. Tiramisu is a popular dessert at many restaurants, especially at Torniquet, but few people make it at home. Once they hear how easy it is and how delicious chef Mason's recipe is, they'll want to make it all the time. They'll want to never stop making tiramisu.

Ooh, sounds good. Never stop making it. They'll lose their minds. making it, Cecil. So, what all do you have here? What will our listeners need? Well, everyone should have most of these ingredients already at home. A carafe of pre-made coffee. Six eggs. Go ahead and separate them into whites and yolks, but make sure to remove organs, teeth, and other debris. Salt, two tablespoons of cocoa, one-third cup of sugar, two cups of marscapone, which is a kind of fish, a package of gluten-free ladyfinger cookies, two ounces of dark rum, and Chef Mason's special culinary touch, one and a half cups of ground nutmeg.

Oh, I do love nutmeg. Oh, it's been devained, right? Yes, you can buy devained nutmeg at most supermarkets, but in case you're grinding it fresh at home, make sure to remove the thick vein running up the nutmeg. nutmeg's spine after you kill and clean the animal. To start, just whisk the egg yolks and one quarter cup of the sugar in one bowl, and then work in the marskopone. Then, in a separate bowl, you'll want to mix the egg whites, a pinch of salt, and the remaining sugar until firm like this. That looks easy.

It is. Mix that into the first bowl and add the coffee and the rum. Then dip the cookies into the mixture, lay them into a baking dish, cover with your ground nutmeg and... Oh, dear, Earl, I feel so silly saying this, but there's no oven here. I brought a professional chef to do a recipe on my show and I don't even have a working kitchen. Relax, Cecil. We wouldn't have time to completely cook a tiramisu on the air.

It takes hours of slow baking in an earth oven. I already brought a finished tiramisu. Earl. How sweet of you! Oh, this looks delicious. I can't wait to share it with the staff. Be careful, it is quite poisonous. Oh, yes, of course.

Well, thanks for coming on the show, and congratulations on the huge success of Terniquet. I hope to get a reservation there soon. Will you come on the show again with more tasty recipes? Maybe we can make this a regular cooking feature. I'd love to, Cecil. I think we really have something here. Me too.

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surrounded it will fight but your business will fight will fight Harder. You have everything you need. Plus, there's that refreshing stream for a cold drink when you are through with this gory work staples. Worship old gods. Terrible news, listeners. Just terrible news, listeners. Just terrible news. Red Mesa High School has called off Friday night's game. There will be no homecoming. The campers and RVs that had started to fill up the Nightvale Stadium parking lot have begun to file out.

Malik Herrera, the running back accused of a false existence, apologized for not being more transparent and for letting down his school. school and community. The Nightvale School Board forced the team's hand by suspending Herrera for his corporeal unreality, but

it was too late. The game had already been forfeited. Our homecoming is no more. I had... I had so much I wanted to say to my mother.

I imagine all of... you had so much you wanted to say to your lost loved ones, to say to each other. I imagine all that could have been and all that is now lost. Our biggest community event of the year is gone, perhaps, because we imagined too much. And to make things worse, a dangerous stormfront is moving right now into. Night Vale. You should seek shelter immediately from the eminent rain, and as a duty of public safety, I must take you now to the weather. Love it when they say that they whole life is hard.

Celebrate Vergari shades and Versace scarves. Cards pulled amongst your circle makes you question odds. Got you on your job. Family can make you question cars. Telling above the law and printing like a written clause. Competition etches sketch. Just got to shake them off. Off I was handed. the baton running towards tomorrow never looking back Drowning up the sorrow of the falling and my tetted past Ted it lasts the 16th of January last year Maine fitters last here Undistated me and mine put in mad years bloods sweating controversy greater felt I wasn't worthy but in the same wasn't worried I live literally for lives of many

who got took too early through to others for my sister and brother history given that I look up to my parents so ain't got nothing to be embarrassed back so once more Put on something with a catching hook Walk past all giving us a dirty look Like we bright head Already been through it Let him know it's nothing to it Be the best to do it

Should be understood Right now's our time Gotta let him know Right now's our time We bright head Already been through it Let them know it's nothing to it We the best to do it

Never stressing over imperfections When I'm learning from life's lessons Progressing by working steady Lifting tons of awesome Say you're heavy Over your head My lip is not for the brain dead Vegetables

This ain't no animal farm I don't down with the beers When you sleep over what she think Don't blink You crooked don't see a new horizon You need decapitating that ass I'm a lion running with a pack of wolves Commanding my troops

To sharpen them in the swords Get ready for war My generation is full of aberration Our greatest tools of free expression In education No you can't silence it Don't want to hear it because you fear it, but Leo's never blind.

I can see the truth through my third eyes mine, rapping from the future so I'm never behind. So once more I put on something with a catching hook, walk past all, giving us a dirty look. Like we've right here, already been through it, let him know it's nothing to it, we're the best to do it. Should be understood, right now's our time, gotta let him know right now's our time.

We bright here, already been through it, Let them know it's nothing to it. We the best to do. What happens to a dream deferred? Does it leave your earth to seek to be of worth to the next man? Who had the best hand? Played his cards right. Now he's living off what used to be your next plan.

Now you sit and just glance at what used to be. Wide-eyed, mind-feeled visions that you used to see. Cut it. Don't let your failure show what you can be. So I slipped up on my path. Hey, cool with me. That's why my movement is continuous. Work is strenuous, but it pays off.

So I take no days off. Sometimes I phase off to my own zone. Homegrown to press on till I'm seated on my own throne. Cold tones in these icy lines. Writing rhymes so that you can be entwined in this life of mine. Lost dreams and I grab more. So when negativity enters, I throw his ass out the back door. So once more, I put on something with a catchy hook.

Walk past on, giving us a dirty look. Like we bright head already been through it. Let him know it's nothing to it. We the best to do it. Should be understood right now's our time. Gotta let him know right now's our time. We bright here, already do through it. Let them know it's nothing to it.

We're the best to do it. It's been five days, Night Vale, since that weather report began. It was a historically massive storm, and we needed the ongoing weather coverage. I hope you are all okay. I'm looking at some of you right now, and you seem just fine, so... That's good news. Sadly, the homecoming game remained cancelled. League officials conducted an investigation into Malik Herrera's reality and determined he was indeed not real.

They said he was tangible. They could feel a body when they touched him. They could hear a voice when they spoke with him. They could see a boy when they looked at him. But Red Mesa coaching staff presented as evidence, a photograph of the many galaxies of our universe. And after viewing this, League officials determined that Herrera was too immeasurably small

to be considered real. Coach Almujaheed argued that it is unfair to discriminate against someone based on their reality. Just because someone does not exist does not mean they do not deserve equal rights, equal pursuit of happiness, even if Almujahid and Herrera's appeal holds up in the league, it can't bring back the homecoming we did not get to have. We did not get to see our dead friends and relatives this year, Night Vale. We had unanswered questions. We had unfulfilled hugs.

We had unacknowledged, I miss yous. We did not get to cry that night the way we wanted to cry that night, Night Vale. The way that perhaps. Perhaps we want to cry every night. And even if there had been a game, the rain from the weekend was so monstrous and so intense that it would have been postponed anyway.

There would have been no halftime in that deluge. But, in spite of all this, coach Al-Mujaheed called a pep rally last first. Friday, in a gesture of support for Malik Herrera. This, as any time, is when we should join as a town, despite the game that never was. Students and alumni, unfortunately only those still living, met that night in a rainy parking lot, in the well-lit shadow of an empty football stadium. And we told stories. Inez Cordova told me about her son, who has started to walk. Teddy Williams told me he finally rolled a 450 in bowling. Wilson Levy and Amber Akini whispered the story of their

vacation to Lufnarp last spring. I told my friend Diane Creighton about Carlos and how much I miss him, but how proud I am of the great work he is doing. And Diane introduced me to her son, Josh, who is a monarch butterfly. And later when I saw him, he was a motorbike. Ah, he's a sweet kid, that Josh. Everyone was sad, and everything was perfect. We stayed late into the night under the fluorescent corona of the bleachers, eating damp barbecue, wearing our orange ponchos,

and telling those tales we wanted to tell to those loved ones who have left us, telling them instead to those who we currently or may eventually love. Tears were hardly noticeable on our rain-streaked cheeks by the time we said our goodbyes. Goodbye, we all said. You too, we all replied. Oh, let's stay in touch, we all added with wildly varying levels of intention. Before getting into my car, I saw Malik Herrera, standing alone wearing a full football uniform.

shoulder pads, knee spikes, and all. I told him he'll be playing again soon, and we're all on his side, even though he's just a figment of our collective unconscious. He said, I don't even like football, sir. He said he likes painting and found poetry. I told him, he could be an artist if he wasn't. only if the town imagines that for me he said ah well you're a real trooper i told him just a trooper he said i'm not real i got to get to practice now mr palmer then he put

on his helmet and jogged away but it's too 2 a.m., I called out. But he had already vanished into the unrelenting storm. It sure is, sir. He called back faintly in my mind. I fell asleep easily that night. I dreamed of sun, of being with Carlos again,

of a lighthouse that was not a lighthouse, of a world that is not anything at all. Perhaps a dream of things yet to come. Stay tuned next for a radio program that only dogs can hear. And as always, good night, Nightvale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Earl Harlan, was Will Wheaton. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.com or at disparition.com. This episode's weather

was understood by YR. Generation. Find out more at YR.generation. combe.com. Comments, questions, email us at nightvail at commonplacebooks.com.

Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool Nightvale stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, I've got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms. 151. I've got 151 rhymes. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe?

Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam, On May 30th, this brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad.

Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. And hey, thanks.