Welcome to Night Vale - 59 - Antiques

Episode Date: January 1, 2015

The Antiques have escaped from the Antiques Mall. Plus, a very scientific update from afar, new management at StrexCorp, and the return of Children's Fun Fact Science Corner. The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marron. Weather: "State of Mine" by Stöj Snak (music.stojsnak.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. She knows.

How? Did you blam? No. The Devil Wears Prada 2. He's the movie event 20 years in the making. Honestly, can't with the secrets anymore, so I think we just should tell her. Will you two please spit it out already? Um, D.

This Friday, be the first to experience it only in theaters. In light of the recent scandal, I'm sure to restore your credibility. Oh, because we're a team now? That's a nice story. The Devil Wares Prada 2 in Theaters Friday. It's not darkest before the dawn. It's actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It's very dark then. Welcome.

to night bale. We begin this new year with some troubling news. Francis Donaldson, owner of the Antiques Mall, has reported that some of her antiques have escaped. She said that when she fed them this morning they were all accounted for, but when she went back for the usual mid-afternoon watering, the fence had been cut, and over half of the antiques were missing.

They didn't escape. She corrected reporters who were just trying to talk to her a bit about what it happened, were just doing their best to help her out, and so didn't need to have their heads bitten off for using a different word, but whatever. They didn't escape, she said. They were set free. All surveillance cameras in the immediate vicinity, and this is not a particularly interesting or dangerous part of Night Vale, so there were only 344, had been disabled, or moved to point away from the antiques pen, or had their tapes replaced with VHS cassettes full of Matlock episodes recorded and re-recorded over each other,

so that each tape shows ghosts of every matlock at once, a single unified matlock through the flicker and warp of video age. The Secret Police warns citizens that antiques are wild animals, and while generally friendly, their behavior can be unpredictable. If you see an antique, do not approach it. Simply put your hands over your chest, scream, we're all about to be eaten, and run blindly away. Although it's possible this may cause the antique to instinctually go into hunting behavior and chase you. We didn't bother to check.

Look, we were kind of busy. Was there something stopping you from doing this research? The sheriff's secret police concluded, before shaking their heads and melting back into the walls. Strexcorp Synernists, Inc., the company you might remember as our former unfriendly overlords, or you might not remember them if your memory has been altered or erased. Anyway, Strexcorp is of course now owned by beings that are difficult to describe without using the illegal term angels, but who are all named Erika. As part of their continual process to turn the power of Strexcorp toward the betterment of our world, the Erika's have started the process of releasing those people whose lives Strexcorp took possession.

of back during what could be termed its bad boy days or dystopian capitalist hell days, whichever you prefer. Among those released is Janice Rio from down the street, last scene entering a condo, which you should definitely never do, never go into a condo. Also released, Lucy and Hannah Gutierrez, former owners of the former White Sand Ice Cream Shop, that's bankruptcy led to their lives being confiscated by strex. They are looking well and fit, no worse for the wear than any ordinary person who is, say, imprisoned by the city council in the abandoned mine shaft outside of town for

voting incorrectly on municipal elections. We all experience extra-legal, extended imprisonment at some point in our lives after all. They pledge to restart their ice cream shop and are currently running a Kickstarter to gather together the funds. In order to get better results, the Kickstarter is labeled as being for a blender you can plug an iPhone into to get real-time blending stats and earn blending points on the blending community. It is not actually for that, though. It's for an ice cream shop, and I don't know about you, but I can't wait to have another bite of that magical Gutierrez ice cream.

Chad Bowinger, who lives in the shambling orphan housing development down by the haunted baseball diamond, said, It is a sadness, what we do to each other. It is a weeping and a gnashing of teeth. I don't think this was in relation to StrexCorp or Kickstarter, but he was a wheeping. walked by and said that to me, so I thought I'd throw it in. Thanks, Chad. And now another edition of the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner. Stick out your tongue. Farther? Farther? Is that really as far as you can get it? I bet you can get it a little farther than that. Wow, that's like Three feet. Honestly, I expected an inch or so. Now it's at five feet. How long is your tongue?

How long is a tongue supposed to be? Can we get someone to check on that? This is starting to freak me out a little, your endless tongue. This was supposed to be a fun and challenging exercise, but now I'm questioning everything about myself and my life. I'm shivering. Your tongue is reaching out the door. It's down the street. It's rolling out of town. Look how far your tongue stretches. You have not done well, young child, but you've seen well.

but you've certainly done something. You certainly have. And somewhere the tip of your tongue is still rolling on, tasting a world that neither it nor you can see. Say, are you related to... Never mind. That doesn't matter. Oh, God. Oh, God, that tongue, that hideous, infinite tongue.

This has been the children's fun fact science corner. There are many reports coming in about the missing antiques. People have seen antique tracks, have heard creatures, rooting around in their garbage, grazing on their lawns, loping through their backyards. It has been difficult to tell which direction the antiques are moving, because many of these reports contradict each other, and most are likely people mixing up the antiques with other similar-looking animals, like owls, or hyenas, or bacteria.

Intern Maureen, who has, all told, been intern longer than anyone I can remember. Well done, Maureen. Anyway, Maureen is back at school right now, so her friend Hector is taking over for a bit. Hi, Hector. Great to have you on. Intern Hector is waving. He's saying hello. He doesn't have a mic, so his hello doesn't. exist for you. Nothing exists for you outside of my voice saying it does. Anyway,

Hector, can you do be a favor and go check out what's going on with the escaped antiques? Reports are muddled, and we need someone on the ground, so to speak, in the ground, as they say, buried deep in the earth. As the saying goes, to understand what's really going on here. Hector is nodding. Now that nod exists for you. Goodbye, Hector. Until we see you again.

Very soon and very well, I'm sure. Now this. Imagine a man. This is a simple command leading to millions, of conceivable scenarios. Imagine this man. Every possible physical form, location, and condition

that a man can be in. Perhaps this man has been dead, so long he is dust. Perhaps you are imagining dust, and perhaps you are not wrong. Imagine A man. Imagine him.

There is a buzzing light bulb above him. He is standing on what could loosely be called the porch. Of what could loosely be called a tin shack. The light bulb buzzes and buzzes. He looks up in irritation. You were wrong. to imagine him as dust. Do you have him now?

Do you know what he looks like? Imagine a man. Now, no, I'm sorry, no, you were incorrect. And so the weekly, Find the Man I'm thinking of contest will roll over to the next week. This is the 300th consecutive week without a winner, and the prize for next week will be the 301 custom-made pencils that say, I won a thing. I hope someone wins soon.

The giant box of pencils here, starting to get in the way of things. Oh, guess who's in the studio with me? Well, not actually with me, but projecting himself into our physical plane. That's right, my favorite scientist and yours, but mostly mine. Carlos. Hi, Cecil. Carlos, I know we just talked last night, but for the listeners, why don't you tell us what's new out in the desert other world your trap? The desert of the world you're spending some time in.

Well, I've been doing so much interesting research. I've learned the composition of the rocks, which are not of our world, and the composition of the components of the rocks, which are of our world, strangely. And I'm trying to figure out how many stars there are. I mean, they're always changing size and position, but I do think there are a lot of stars. That sounds very scientific. Oh, it is so scientific.

The most scientific. I don't think I've ever been more scientific, and you know how much I love science. Oh, yes, I am also very into science. But I miss, you know, touching. I miss this. Listeners, you can't see, but I'm trying to hold his hand, and my hand is just going through him because he's not actually here. I know. That's why I'm working on a way for you to visit. I think you'd like it here. It's super interesting, and there is so much science.

Plus, the people are way friendlier here. People in Nightfail can be a little... No, I know. I suppose it couldn't hurt. to take a little visit? But I need to be back in my radio desk soon. It can be difficult to ask station management for time off of work. Great. So I'll let you know when I figure out exactly how to get you here. I cannot wait to see you in person again.

Me neither. Cannot wait. Cannot. Oh, okay. Me neither. It's going to be good. Well, thank you so much for this highly relevant report that had important information for everyone in town. Thanks, Carlos.

Bye, Cecil. Bad news, listeners. It seems that the antiques have gathered around City Hall and are behaving in threatening ways toward anyone trying to leave. or enter. We are getting reports that while City Council has already safely evacuated, using a rocket sled

that they keep for this very purpose, Mayor Dana Cardinal is still trapped inside. The sheriff's secret police are responding quickly by issuing press releases to explain why it's

definitely not their job to deal with this situation because frankly it seems pretty dangerous and scary. They said that they have activated all available officers to work hard on deflecting responsibility away from them.

As the sheriff's secret police slogan goes, not our job, not our problem. Oh no. Oh no. I'm being told that the antiques have found away into City Hall. The pack is entering the building. City Hall has been infiltrated by

hungry antiques with no one left to protect our mayor. Who will protect Dana? Someone. Someone must. Will no one step forward? Will no one? Is anyone even listening to this? What? What kind of town are we? What kind of town are we? Also, here's the weather. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Hear that? That's your next obsession. Every coffee, a new world.

Every sip, a new taste. This is the new Nespresso. One touch, endless possibilities. Iced, flavored, long, short. Because some days call for that espresso kick. And sometimes, a smooth, silky lorke. just wins. It's exceptional but effortless. Like actually effortless. Simply press, brew and explore. Nispresso. What else? Keep exploring at nespresso.com. Well, listeners,

well, listeners, it seems, it seems that all is well. We don't know how, but our beloved mayor is safe once again. A person of unknown identity appeared on the scene, running into the city hall and single-handedly defending the mayor's office against the pack of antiques. This was foolish of that person. That person could have been killed or gravely wounded. Maybe they were. We don't know who the person is or where they went, and so their fate is as non-existent as anything else I do not or cannot voice. Mayor Cardinal gave a message of thanks, saying, whoever you are, thank you.

I do not speak for the town or for the city government. I speak for myself. As a person, as a human, full of blood and worry. Thank you for keeping me safe, she said. Pamela Winshull, director of emergency press conferences, held an emergency press conference, in which she added to the mayor's statement by saying, Clouds are the belt of the sky.

Sinch them tighter! Make the clouds go tighter! Make the sky come closer! Before hurling herself into the sky until she was just a dot in the upward distance. So that seems to be another crisis averted, albeit in a sudden and, if I may be frank as a journalist, narratively unsatisfactory way.

Perhaps we will never know who that unknown savior is, or who the unknown liberator of the, antiques was. Perhaps we will never know anything. We have certainly never known anything yet. Oh, but wait. Oh, in turn, Hector was returning. Um, hey, Hector, did you see who the unknown benefactor was? Uh, do you have any information? Hector, he is, he is holding up his arm. There is a tear. in the skin a deep and jagged oval. He has been bitten. Hector. It was you, wasn't it? I sent you to report and instead you involved yourself, and I thank you for doing so. ordinarily that would be a violation of journalistic standards, which clearly say we should never help when we could merely watch, but Dana, Dana is a friend of mine, and so I thank you for ignoring our sacred rules just this once. I'll be honest, I wouldn't have thought Hector was the type to do something like that, or even physically strong enough to fight off.

an entire pack of antiques, but people can surprise you. That is one of the things that people can do. But, Hector, that bite, you know what happens to someone who is bit by an antique. Hector is unable to speak, has been unable to speak since he arrived. Of course, anyone bitten by an antique becomes an antique themselves. Hector, if only there was something I could do for you. Oh, he is transforming, and his body is elongating and lowering? His shoulders turn to haunches, his arms to waning, His feet to bladed multi-legs.

He is becoming an antique before my eyes, and I can do nothing for him. For this brave young person who saved my dear friend, Dana, he is out of sight now. Hector? Hector. Is there any trace of your old self left? Or are you already hunting me? No good are the bolts on the studio door. He can't come in here, can he?

You're rattling in the ceiling. There is a clear, viscous substance dripping onto my desk. I dare not look for its source. Coming up next, hopefully the sound of my successful escape from this room. Ah? Who just touched me? Hector? Hector.

Well, this is it. One way or another. Here I go, listeners, and here you go. Off into radio silence, into places and times where my voice can no longer guide you. Good night, Night Vale. Good night! I made it!

I totally made it. I'm fine. to the family and friends of intern hector. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at dispirition.com. This episode's weather was State of Mine by Stoy Snock. Find out more at music.stoyknock.com. That's S-T-O-J-S-N-A-K. Comments, questions, email us at Nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightveil Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightfail.com for more information on this show

as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever. Hi, we're Meg Bashwinner and Joseph Fink. Of welcome to Night Vale, and on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the Golden Age of Television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDB viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows. The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious housecat. And also the really good episodes, too. What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode or do people just hate women? The best worst. Available wherever you get your podcasts.