Welcome to Night Vale - 6 - The Drawbridge

Episode Date: September 1, 2012

The city faces extensive delays in the revitalization of the Old Town Drawbridge. Plus, time for another pledge drive, changes afoot at the Night Vale Daily Journal, and good news for radio controlled airplane hobbyists! Weather: "Aye" by Dio, diomusic.nl Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by disparition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony

talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have random horror number nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the way. worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at Nightvillepresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. There's something else here now. Something new.

From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scary as Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now. running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Rabbits are not what they seem to be.

Welcome to Nightfall. We've had some power outages reported throughout Night Vale in the last couple of hours. If you're experiencing one, well then you can't hear me, can you? The Night Vale Municipal Utility Department said that they are still working to determine the cause of the outages, which are roving back and forth across town in a continuous motion like a great pacing beast. Those whose neighborhoods have been hit by the outages reported the shriek of hawks overhead, and that when the lights came back on, they felt that perhaps they were different people, Their memories and identities the same as always, but suddenly felt like costumes that didn't fit exactly, as though it all were actually brand new to them, as though they had been switched out with someone who was exactly like them, as though all that was familiar would ever after be strange.

Keep some flashlights with spare batteries and a childhood photo album by you tonight, just in case. The revitalization of the Old Town Draw Bridge experienced another setback this week, as engineers determined that the furniture upholstery used to construct the bridge towers soaks up water and creates an unstable foundation. This week's collapse was the third in as many months. Construction crews have tried building the bridge tower base supports from corrugated cardboard, non-dairy creamer and ceramic bowls. Nothing has worked.

Engineers are asking for help in determining how proper bridge towers are made. If you have any tips, please write them on notebook paper and mail them to Bridge Magic LLC-P-O-box 616. Do not use cursive or long words. Clearly label drawings are preferred. Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again. Time for our annual pledge drive. Sorry to have to do this, but, you know, Night Vale has a lot of community-supported radio,

and the thing about community-supported radio, it's supported by listeners like you, as well as Guatemala and some teamsters who are sometimes just too generous. Any amount you can give will help us continue our community programming, a dollar or two or even plasma. Take WZZZZ, our local numbers station, broadcasting from that strange and tall antenna built out back of the abandoned gas station on Oxford Street. Did you know that it broadcasts a monotone female voice, reading out seemingly random numbers interspersed with chimes 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

As you can imagine, that kind of work doesn't bring in a lot of money, unless it does. To be honest, here at Night Vale Radio, we don't know exactly what that station is for or what master it is serving. But I do know that it is a vital part of this community and we should pitch in to help it. We welcome your support. Give us a call. We don't have a number. Just whisper, Foraken Algonquinia.

Into your phone receiver, and Angels or Facebook or something will deliver us an appropriate contribution from your bank account. More on the drawbridge debacle. It was turmoil in city headquarters this morning. Following this latest, in a long line of municipal failures,

the city council has come under fire from concerned citizens for wasting taxpayer money on inefficient services that go over budget and over schedule. One critic, who wished to remain anonymous, said, We don't even have a river or bay in Night Vale. There would never be a boat to necessitate a drawbridge. He continued to... You know what? Forget it. I can tell you right now that that was Steve Carlsberg who said that, and he is such a source. Spoil sport, that's Steve. Have you ever noticed how he never replaces his hubcaps? It's laziness, pure and simple. Lasiness. I just can't let him ruin our town by denying Night Vale a drawbridge

when he can't even care for a tan corolla. The Night Vale Daily Journal has announced that due to spiraling printing costs, they will be replacing the print edition of the paper with a special new imagination edition. Editor Leanne Hart explains, Instead of confining our customers to the outdated modes of ink on paper, we are allowing them to choose the news that interest them by imagining whatever news they want. This will not only save costs, but will allow customers to experience the news as a full-color, full-motion experience, taking place in a mental world that is tailored to their needs.

Subscription to this edition will be compulsory and automatic, and will cost a mere $60 a month. This Friday at Night Vale High's Memorial Stadium, it's the annual softball showdown between the Night Vale Fire Department and the Sheriff's Secret Police. Proceeds from the game will go to support development of nuclear weaponry for a strongly religious Indonesian militia that is, looking to overthrow their heretical government, as well as to the Make a Wish Foundation. So, even if you don't like softball, come on out and support a couple of great causes. Last year's game ended in a route, as the Secret Police hit three home runs in the eighth and ninth innings. The firefighters claim that there was some foul play involved, pun intended, dear listeners, as their entire bullpen was assassinated in the middle innings with blowdarts.

Those murders remain unsolved and completely uninvestigated. Our hearts go out to the families of the deceased relief pitchers. Rest in peace. It should be a fun one. Expect a real revenge-minded fire department to take the field on Friday. Tickets are only $10. or $5 if you bring enriched yellow cake uranium. Black helicopters will be mind-scanning the town on game day,

hunting down those who do not attend. The first 500 fans receive surgically applied working gills. Notice, there is no digital staticky hum coming from the dog park. Mayor Pamela Winchell announced today, The mayor stressed repeatedly in her 92nd, impromptu press conference, that there is no unbearable, soul-tearing sound that rips at the seignews of your very being coming from the dog park. Mayor Winchell continued with a plea for all night veil residents to understand

that there could not possibly be a deeply coded message emanating from a small, fenced-in patch, of municipal grass and dirt. Citizens are not even supposed to be consciously aware of the dog park, so they could not possibly be receiving a menacing and unearthly voice instructing listeners to bring precious medals and toddlers to the dog park. Dog park, she repeated. That could never, ever be real, the mayor shouted, pounding the podium with her bleeding fists.

There were no follow-up questions. And now, a word from our sponsors. And now, traffic. There's a stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the eastern expressway just south of Route 800. Commuters should have little delays, as highway patrol is fiercely denying this report. In fact, police representatives have just issued a statement claiming that there are no cars anywhere.

And what are you doing talking about them? Talking silly lies, you silly people, there are no cars. What is this fiction? Oh, please, do you seriously believe for a second? Wait, wait, you thought that cars were real? The Highway Patrol continued, oh, that. That is rich! All other roads seem clear.

Expect delays, of course, at the Drawbridge construction site because it is years away from being competently finished. Here are this week's horoscopes. Virgo. Go see a movie today. It's a great escape, especially from all of this pollution and dangerous UV radiation. Say, is that mole new? Libra, your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down.

Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there. Scorpio. Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children. And your children's children. Vile, vile, Scorpio. Sagittarius.

Eat well today. You've earned it. And by it, I mean massive food allergies. And by earned, I mean acquired. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let's try that again. You've acquired massive food allergies. Yes, much cleaner.

Eat well. Capricorn. Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again. Aquarius. The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.

Pisces. You've won a brand new car. Aries. You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today's smell is wheatgrass and toast. Taurus. Today is your annual crime day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.

Gemini. You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future. Cancer. I've got to pay my phone bill and also get some more milk. That wasn't me talking. That is what the stars say today.

Interpret it as you will. Leo, it's better that I don't read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family you love them. That has been this week's horoscopes. Good news for radio-controlled airplane hobbyists. Those unidentifiable black, black, metallic trees that suddenly appeared by the library back in June and caused all airborne objects

above 30 feet to catch fire? Well, they've finally been cleared away as a new strip mall and parking lot are being developed. The Night Vale Airport, local bird watchers, and that nice epileptic couple who run the emergency services helicopter are just pleased as pleased can be about the news several petitions however have cropped up from neighborhood improvement organizations Juanita Jefferson head of one such organization Night Vale or Nothing said

Trees they are us Jefferson then paused for several minutes without blinking and whispered again Tree before collapsing into tears and loud moaning. Jefferson was then taken by helicopter to Night Vale General Hospital, where she is reportedly in stable condition. This morning, Jefferson's lawyer issued a statement saying, my client fully recognizes the irony of this helicopter trip,

but she stands by her earlier pronouncement, trees, trees, they are us. Meanwhile, I hear from trustworthy informants that there will be a pinkberry at the new strip mall. Delicious. This just in on Drawbridge Gate. The city council said that, in response to this week's collapse,

they will increase the project budget by $20 million over the next 14 years, the new timeline for the bridge. Money for these extra expenses will come from school lunch programs, a 65% hotel tax, and a $276 bridge toll, which will be discounted to $249 with Easy Pass. And now for a station editorial. Large, expensive projects are not uncommon in Night Vale.

We are a patient but resilient little city. We have big dreams, sometimes scary unforgettable dreams that repeat on the same date every year and are shared by every person in town, but we make those big dreams come true. Remember the clock tower? it took eight years and $23 million to build, and despite its invisibility and constant teleportation, it is a lovely structure that keeps impeccable time. It's a classy signature for Nightveil's growing skyline.

Unlike that hideous sports arena, Desert Bluffs built last spring, Desert Bluffs can't do anything right. That's where Steve Carlsberg belongs. God, what a jerk. And now, the weather. On the line, man, I'm very too far, man, they hold me not by, I'm way, I'm way, I'm way. You're not one of the guy who I have,

eh, hey, shan't you fuck by man, and all the rappers that are napper. Hey, hey, baby, come in my soul, and you say what I have, eh, I'm my brook, la, put, laug, yep, everybody, root, eh. Brook, put, la, la, yep, everybody, who, eh,

they're looking at, they're gonna say, yep, precise what you had to be and by this, and by this one, I'm saying I got noise so a fucking dope rapper we're gonna say man it's fine me homie begrey me

If you're not do I do it for a spiker I go feel's too hard Schatz you blight by me Otherwise I'm back yep Then I'm gonna man And all that you feel my man on the beat And I I want you see effer

So let you me see off And get even But enough over me Let me let me have been over me Let me even rap on me Because I'm too on Ongespresent and over me So I feel tracks

And over me I'm the end I'm the to come apparently what the mannetses do come. I'm back the money as the money to come. Money in my sack. Money for the to-off. I want to lose on these men.

You must me good beguer. I'd say also to myself want to write. If I'm myself would write up, sorry, I want the word swag and here to break. I'm back, back, back, back, back.

Apparently, the sheriff's secret police agree with me about old Steve Carlsberg, dear listeners. We just received a report from a reliable witness that two days ago, Steve was whisked into the back of a windowless van, only to reappear earlier this morning, wearing thick head bandages and eating styrofoam shaped like an ice cream cone.

I want to take this moment to thank all of you out there, for all of the generous donations you may or may not be aware that you just made. During this show, we have raised just a hair over $45,000, which includes a $45,000 donation from a certain anonymous world leader. I can't tell you who. Let's just say, Much gracias el Presidente, manodura, cabesa, and corazon. Thank you again for your involuntary support of Community Radio. We couldn't do it without the support of Lerner, listeners like you in conjunction with unethical contributions from the various organizations.

And with that, I leave you alone with your thoughts, folks. Stay tuned next for Zydeco, note by note. A special to our verbal description of what Zydeco music sounds like. Buenos Noches, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion.in. info or at dispersion.vancamp.com. This episode's weather was A by Dio. Find out more at Diomusic.N.L. comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show and check out the other cool podcasts we make with Nightvale Presents. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That would be amazing. Today's proverb, lost, confused, lacking direction,

need to find a purpose in your life? Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink. It's called Unlicensed, and it's an L.A. Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles. Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators, who small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg. There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with Season 3, dropping on May 15th. Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription. And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership. And if I know you,

and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window. And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season. Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement. So go check out Unlicensed, available now, only at audible.com.