Welcome to Night Vale - 63 - There Is No Part 1: Part 2

Episode Date: March 1, 2015

An exciting conclusion to the day-long Sand Golem saga at City Hall. Plus, repairs at the bowling alley, Children's Fun Fact Science Corner, and who won that auction? Weather: "Heel Turn 2" by The Mountain Goats (mountain-goats.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbale merch? Go to welcome to nightville.com, click on store, and we have all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels, and if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see

our live shows, we will see you in Europe. And hey, thanks. There is no part one. This is part two. Welcome to Night Vale. Listeners, I won't waste your time recapping everything that happened in the earlier part of this broadcast. There were so many events of such tremendous impact and significance that they are surely locked forever in your memory. So, let us, a town with an imperiled mayor and a brawl. brutally injured sheriff, a town under attack, a town in the middle of something that we are seeing through from start to finish. Let us continue right where we left off. Harrison Kipp,

adjunct professor of archaeology at the Community College, announced once again that he is super sorry about accidentally raising the sand gallum by whispering sweet, not nothings to that talisman he found out in the desert. The team of six wealthy sponsors who backed this project and who he has only ever spoken to by phone told him that this was what mysterious talismans liked. Talismans love to be flirted with in a sexy whisper.

The anonymous sponsors had told him, although they never mentioned that doing so would cause a sand-gallum to rise and turn against the humans around it. My bad, Harrison said gravely, continuing, most deaf, my bad. Before fleeing into the desert, receding from human form to distant human form, to dot, to smudge, to misplaced pixel on the horizon line, to memory, to vague recollection, to an idea just out of reach, to something I knew long ago but now cannot grasp enough to feel its absence. The sand-gallum, along with thousands of Angora rabbits, which were released from the Nightville Petting Zoo by unknown malicious parties,

have reached the upper floors of City Hall and are attacking anything that moves, or doesn't move, or just exists anywhere on the spectrum of motion, with its huge sand fists, and their soft, harmless fur. Director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell held a non-emergency press conference, explaining that the situation seemed too urgent to distract everyone with the usual emergency press conference. She read a statement written by Mayor Dana Cardinal, indicating that the mayor has given up on her previously announced plan to barricade the door, and then found her subsequently announced plan to hide, was ruined when she released the statement announcing it.

And so now, she is announcing her current plan, which is to fight, to fight and to win. Listeners, I would gladly help the mayor, but, as I've been regularly expressing throughout the morning's tragedies and this afternoon's attack, I have conflicted feelings here. Yes, Mayor Dana is a dear friend, and one of the citizens of this town I trust the most, but, but, the last time I helped her, it was done without my will, not against my will, without.

I was used as a puppet to save a good friend. And good friend, though she is, it is not a feeling I wish to experience again. I'll tell you what I think it is. I believe the culprit is whoever bought Lot 37 from the Sheriff's Secret Police auction last year. Lot 37 One radio host One Cecil Palmer One

Me I believe whoever owns that lot has manipulated me Into the role of hero Like an action figure Limp in the sticky hands of a child I do not wish to be manipulated again Except in that way that anyone who lives in an all-seeing authoritarian state is constantly manipulated for their own health and well-being.

Such is the wish of all people, to be manipulated in ways that are good for them. But all to say, maybe someone else can help Dana this time. More and more on this soon, as there has been much and much before. Construction work is already commencing at the bowling alley after the shocking incident we reported on earlier today. I know I'll never look at one of those ball return machines the same way again. Teddy Williams said the space should again be available for bowling by Wednesday at the latest, that league night is set to continue as scheduled, and that he's had enough, Just enough.

There's only so much one person, you know, that one person can take. And that limit was reached several months ago, and he's just been coasting. You know, coasting, trying, doing his best. And now this? Now this. Right? Now this. He doesn't know what next.

What now? He doesn't know what he's going to do. Probably not this anymore, he doesn't think. How old do you have to be to retire? How old is he? He doesn't know the answer to those questions, but he'll find out, and then he'll know. You know, he'll know. And again, League Night is continuing as scheduled.

Which, who, wouldn't be a good week for me without League Night. And now another word from our sponsors. You already know who we are. We introduced ourselves earlier. Let's not waste time reiterating the benefits of our product. How little it costs. How easy it is to get? How unwise it would be not to buy it?

And where exactly we took your loved ones? Instead, let's concentrate on the legally required disclaimers. We forgot to do this. those and our lawyer got really mad about it. Have you ever seen a mad lawyer? Their ears stand straight up and they won't stop barking at you. It's terrifying. So we need to add that using our product could result in sterility, senility, hearing loss, vision loss, finger decomposition, major toe swelling, like a lot of toe swelling, that might not sound like a big deal, but wait until you see how big your toes get, scratchiness of the throat, throat loss, heart palpitations,

and minor night screaming. Also, when we said hearing loss, we meant you'll be able to hear loss, as plants age, as pets die, as marriages break apart or evolve, or settle from a fluttering of hands to a loose intertwining of fingers. As children leave home to go wherever it is that children go after the age of 10, all of these common forms of loss you will be able to hear, it will be deafening. Oh, we could go on all day about the ways our product will severely ruin you, physically and emotionally. But what are you going to do?

Not buy it? I think that you and your... For the moment, safe, loved ones know that you will buy our product no matter what we say. So, let's not waste any more time. Our lawyer has stopped barking. Buy our product. This has been another word from our sponsors. Oh, I'm sorry, listeners, there is a knocking on my studio window.

It is a man in a tan jacket holding a dear skin suitcase. It is difficult to describe his features as they escape my mind the moment my eyes leave his face. He is waving, indicating that he would like to come in and speak to me, and presumably, to all of you. Um, yeah, come on in. But how would we even get there? I've never heard of that place. I don't remember what I was just saying. I think someone was just speaking to me and to all of you out there

about something that seemed very important, but now I can't remember. You all heard him too. Do you remember what he said? Oh, why am I sweaty? I think I remember him offering me a note or some piece of paper. I didn't take it. Maybe I should have taken it? I don't know.

Speaking of notes, I am being handed another one by intern Hannah. Hopefully it is better than the note she handed me this morning during the earlier section of this broadcast. That was such an awful note. I mean, I don't have to tell you, right? So sad. Sad and awful. You remember. Also kind of funny, though.

Just a pretty sad, awful, funny note, really? But this note, well, it seems that... No. No, no, no, no. It seems that once again, this recent bit of missing time, brave radio host Cecil Palmer has stepped in and helped Mayor Cardinal fight off the sand-gallum and the Angora rabbits.

Cecil, showing strength beyond his stature, held the sand-gallum down while Dana wiped away the writing on its forehead that gave it unnatural life, dispersing it to inanimate sand. And then we just kind of shooed the rabbits. They were just rabbits and even in great numbers. were not at all threatening. This left the mayor safe, with only a few bumps and bruises and a wrecked office covered with sand

that probably will never be completely cleaned away. Certainly better than what happened to the sheriff. That poor man. I'm being told that Mayor Cardinal indicated deep gratitude for my help. I'm being told this because I do not remember this. Because I am certain now, the owner of Lot 36, the owner of Cecil Palmer once again used me only to protect Dana. That is, I'll have to think about what that is.

But first, a continuation of our previous, Children's Fun Fact Science Corner. Children, it's now time to go check on those glass files we prepared earlier in the broadcast. If you mixed everything right and placed it in a warm, dry place like we told you to, you should be able to now observe the start of the tendrils. Don't get close to them. Those tendrils have a strong grip. One could call their grip unbreakable or even poisonous. You might also hear buzzing.

Do you hear buzzing? Listen closely. Science is all about observation. Write down what the buzzing sounds like in detail. Draw a graph to show the buzzing. What the buzzing is telling you is that the thing in the vial has marked you as its prey. You need to run. Oh, you should have started running the moment you heard the buzzing.

I'm sorry. I should have said that before the rest of this stuff. If you don't hear anything, then congratulations. You can move on to the second part of the experiment. Lay down plastic sheeting in the room and we'll be back to give you the full instructions later. This has been part two of the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner. This day started bad and it does not appear to be getting better anytime soon. I, however unwillingly and unconsciously, helped the mayor fight off her attackers, and yet, even that act was not enough to end this ordeal.

Hiram McDaniels, literal five-headed dragon, and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, both former mayoral candidates, have taken City Hall once again captive. Hiram is preventing anyone from entering the front door using his massive body, fire breathing, and harsh language. Mayor Cardinal has issued a statement through her mouth, shouting out of an upper floor window that the faceless old woman is stalking her through City Hall. Dana can hear bare feet skittering across the hallway ceiling, can sense the memory of motion in the air when she turns, can feel breath on her neck, dry and cold, like breath never is. She has come for me, Dana shouted mayorily. I will not be able to avoid her forever. I will not be able to do anything forever.

Hiram, in response to questions asked by a group of lightly scorched secret police currently trying to tase and arrest him, admitted that he and the facel old woman have been conspiring against the mayor for quite some time. Convincing Pamela Wenshiel to enter a disastrous retirement, staging a blatantly consumerist Christmas display involving gift cards and an ancient monolith, freeing the antiques from their pen, funding the dig that led Harrison Kipp to find the San Gollums talisman, unsealing and freeing the army of,

tiny people under Lane 5 of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex this morning, working to sabotage the ultimately successful defense led by the sheriff today against the tiny army, from which the sheriff miraculously emerged unscathed, then causing the saw cyclone that swept through the sheriff's office, not injuring him at all, but really messing up his draperies. And then, Finally, sending the sheriff an angry letter, which resulted in the serious paper cut he is currently recovering from. And now, all of these measures unsuccessful in removing Dana from power, Hiram and the faceless old woman have been left with no choice but to attack the mayor directly. Just try to stop us, said Hiram. Just try.

I'd like to see you try, puny mortals! Roared another one of his heads, although not the one you'd think. Well, certainly, I won't try. I've had enough of this mayor-saving business. My job is to report. That is what I do, reporting. That is why they call me what they call me. A journalist.

Now, let me report and only report. We are taking you all to the weather. Stomp like a snake in the dirt. Click to my convictions. Get hurt. Be an upstanding, well-loved man. About town in your child's mind. That's how it goes down.

But I try the losing sign. I don't want to die. I want to die in here. Congratulations. They're choked. I am, listeners. Whoever I am. Here it is, the me that is whichever me I am.

You can guess what happened, I think. Once again, it was brave Cecil who saved the mayor, throwing his body between her and the wrath of the faceless old woman and Hiram. It was not an easy fight, and not an easy fight for me. to remember. Here is what I know. Hiram McDaniels is no longer at City Hall. With my help, the secret police almost apprehended him, but our efforts, while just enough to prevent his continued siege, were just under what was needed to capture a literal five-headed dragon. And in

the scuffle, Hiram disappeared. He could be anywhere. Svitz. Lamuria, the secret lost pet city on the moon, or even still in Nightvale. Even that. Here is what else I know. The faceless old woman who secretly lives in all of our homes was unable to complete her malicious plans against our mayor, and is now secretly living in all of our homes still. She did not need to change anything in order to hide. These two rebels, who are against the mayor rightfully chosen for us by forces we do not understand, will not rest quietly.

I have no doubt of it. I know that there is more coming. As always, this is what I know. Here is what I do not know. The owner of Lot 37. who bought me at that auction and did nothing with their prize for so long, only to now use me again and again with one purpose, to protect one person.

Dana Cardinal. Mayor Cardinal My friend, here is who I do not know but thought I did. Dana Cardinal. my friend. And I am starting to fear and I am starting to doubt the owner of Lot 37. Could she be? Who else would be so invested in protecting her and only her? Dana? Is it you? Could it be? It couldn't. It couldn't. It couldn't. It couldn't. But still.

But still. Stay tuned next for part three and part four and many more parts. Each succeeding moment after the one before, and some you will hear, and some you will not. And none of them will be true exactly, but all of them will be an honest attempt at the most accurate fiction possible. Good night to our recuperating sheriff. Good night to a mayor I once thought I knew.

Good night to old woman Josie and the rest of the bowling team. I'll see you at League Night. And good night, Night Vale. Good night. Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Dysperition.

All of it can be found at Dysperition. or at disparition.com.com. This episode's weather was the world premiere of Heel Turn 2 by the Mountain Goats from their upcoming album Beat the Champ. Find out more at mountain dash goats.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightveal.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, History is written by the victors, and then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition.

These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live.

And hey, thanks.