Welcome to Night Vale - 65 - Voicemail

Episode Date: April 1, 2015

You have reached the voicemail of Cecil Gershwin Palmer. Weather: "Tag!" by Scarves (scarvesmusic.bandcamp.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Nightville, it is Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from April of 2026 with a couple of cool things coming up. First off, we're going to be in Europe touring our newest Nightville live show, Murder Night in Blood Forest. We're going to be in Edinburgh, UK, on May 27th. We'll be in Manchester on the 28th. We will be in London on May 29th, and we will be in Amsterdam on May the 30th. You can get tickets for these shows at Welcome to Nightville.com slash live, and hopefully we'll have more. shows coming up later this year. Who knows? Just get on our newsletter. Go to Welcome to Nightville.com. Sign up for our newsletter. We will send you emails twice a month to let you know

all of the news that you need to know about Welcome to Nightville. One of the big news things to tell you right now is that our other hit podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is coming back on April the 13th, written by Joseph Fink, produced by Disparition and starring Jacica Nicole. More episodes of Alice Isn't Dead return on April the 13th. So make sure you are still subscribe to that podcast. Finally, do you want some cool nightbail merch? Go to Welcome to Nightville.com, click on store, and we have

all kinds of cool t-shirts, things for the summer, tank tops, beach towels. And if you like coffee mugs, if you want calendars, if you want backpacks, all kinds of cool stuff there. So check out Welcome to Nightville.com and click on store, click on live. If you want to see our live shows, we will see you in Europe.

And hey, thanks. You have reached the voicemail of Gershwin Palmer. That might seem like an easy thing to do, but think about how long you had to stay alive just to learn how a phone works and who I am. Congratulate yourself on that. Give yourself a vigorous pat on the back, and don't forget to leave a message after the heavily distorted sample of a man saying, I just couldn't eat another bite. I just couldn't eat another bite. Hey, sweetie, it's Carlos. I know you're probably busy talking or not talking. It's seems like you're always talking or not talking, you know?

So I'll try again in a bit, but I just wanted to let you know what's up here. What's up? This guy! Okay, okay, that is a funny joke, but it is also a scientifically accurate one. I only tell scientifically accurate jokes. I don't get how people can find inaccurate jokes funny. Like, okay, so a horse walks into a bar and says, I feel used.

As a species even. I feel used. And so then the bartender, who is also a horse, because, you know, this is the horse district where the horses live when they're not being used by the humans, and the horse bartender says, don't I know it, buddy? And the first horse says, I'm not your buddy.

And then he says, Man, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. That was awful of me. It's the anger. So, that's another. example of a scientifically accurate joke. Things are going really well here. With the help of Doug and Alicia and the other members of the masked army that live in this strange desert

otherworld, we've been starting to build out an infrastructure. Of course, I had already set up a temporary lab, but now we've dug up the stones that were used in the old settlements up on the mountain and have been building important basics of life, like shelter and roads and bloodstone circles. It's starting to look downright homie around here. If you ignore, the disquieting waste land beyond, so it's just like the rest of the world, really. There's lots of material to work with, because, get this, we've been just finding stuff lately. Microwaves, toolboxes, old tennis balls. They look like they've been here a while. I'm not sure how this stuff ended up here, but I'm going to find out.

Ooh, that reminds me. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo with the definition of science straight out of Webster's dictionary. So it'll say, quote, I don't know, but I'm trying to find out, okay? End quote. And then it'll have a skull and some roses, ooh, maybe an anchor, to make it look old-timey. Hmm. I'm still working on how to get you here, but I will.

How? I don't know. But I'm trying to find out, okay? Okay? Okay. I love you. Talk again soon. Hey, Cecil.

It's Michelle from Dark Al Records Calling. The new Woody Guthrie album is in for you? I can't believe you're still listening to that stuff. He hasn't been cool since his electro-punk period. We're all listening to archival recordings of bees now. Come in for your stupid album and I'll show you the bee sounds while you're here. And maybe you could hang out for a while, because I'm lonely and I need more human contact. Oh, Woody Guthrie.

Hey, Cecil. I know you said that I wasn't allowed to leave any voicemails on your phone, and you marched around the room waving your arms. arms and saying, no, Steve Carlsberg, no voicemails! And then you tried to convince me that voicemails aren't real, but you couldn't because I know what is what around here. I know what is what. But anyways, I just wanted to make a quick call to see if Janice could stay with you in a few months. Abby and I are looking at doing a nice little vacation, you know just the two of us. Somewhere romantic like the warehouse district or the sand wastes or Arby's. You of all people know how romantic a long

weekend at Arby's can be. Which, listen, by the way, I meant it as just a nice gift when I printed up all those t-shirts of you and Carlos there, looking up at the lights, and you got all weird about it, but I don't mind. Sorry I made you upset again. Just get back to me about the Janus thing, or answer me on your radio show while ranting about me. Either way is fine. Hope everything's going well with Carlos. Hope everything is just going. Hope everything goes. Hope it's gone. We all deal. Okay dokey.

Cecil, Tamika Flynn here. I'm calling to let you know that me and the rest of the missing children are having a book drive. We're taking books and hurting them out on the long trail. Sleepless nights on our horses. Books clear from our feet out to a horizon gone dusty with the dreary stomp of spine and page upon earth.

The sad yelp of books taken in the night by coyotes or librarians. I don't know how long we'll be gone, but when my horse is neck-deep in the Colorado, and I'm watching the drowned carcass of some book that will never find a reader again float away on that relentless current, I'll think about you.

Also, it will probably be Thursday. We'll be back Thursday. We're not taking the books that far. They can't walk, and they're not even sentient, so this will be a short one. Oh, got to go. Night film by Marisha Puff. Hessel is looking restless, and I'm worried it'll start a stampede.

Hi, it's me. Sure, I'd love to come back and do another segment of cooking stuff with Earl Harlan. I have this great recipe for pumpkin pie. There's so much less blood splatter than you would think. But listen, I'm trying to schedule a little more time in my life for my son. It's hard for both of us, with me having a full-time kitchen job, plus going straight from being a childless teenager to a middle-aged man with an 11-year-old. I mean, they have Sesame Street episodes about it that you can show your kid,

but even with PBS's help, trying to explain how weird time is, it's really hard. Time is unimaginably weird. My son's name is Roger. I finally asked him, and he told me, It was that easy, and it wasn't easy at all. I got to get back to the kitchen. We have a lot of orders coming in, plus it's on fire. Cook with you soon, Cecil.

17, 88, 49, 86, 81, 68. 68. Because I am a champion, and you're a champion. gonna hear me. 81, 83, 4. Hey, sorry to call again so soon, I know we talked about space and boundaries and all of that, especially with this whole lot 37 thing you're going through. Gotta have time to think, and cease, I understand time to think,

but I have made an important scientific discovery, and you know the rules are different when an important scientific discovery is made. An important scientific discovery is grounds to interrupt anything. I found people here in this desert other world. We, me and the members of the masked army, saw human shapes coming towards us. The masked army opted, as is their way, for something of a warlike response. But I convinced them that it was important to discover the facts before formulating a response, an idea to which Doug roared in a fearsome voice,

That makes total sense. Let's go chat with them and see what's up. And here is, my sweet Cecil, what was up. These people were citizens of Nightvale. They had been lost from their home as of today for exactly two years, and they have apparently been wandering the desert since. They are a tad traumatized by their years in a featureless wasteland, accompanied only by a distant rumble and a bright light that they felt primarily in the roots of their teeth.

And so they haven't told me yet how they got here. But I have them resting in the hot yoga studio we recently built, so I hope to hear their story soon. And when I hear the story, you will too. And then, you know, I'm sure everyone who listens to your show will, you'll blabber mouth. You know, it would upset me if it weren't just who you are. So much of each other would be annoying if it weren't also the essence of us.

Hmm. Okay, more soon. Hello, Cecil. It's Deb, the sentient patch of haze. I have some new ad copy. I wanted to run by you, and then I want to disregard any petty human feelings you have about it. And then I want to run the ad on the air. Here goes, okay? I drift above you. I see mostly the top of your heads. You are pitiful from that perspective. Your hair droops or falls out or hangs flat. I haze above you. sentiently. You slug below me. Humanly. Sentient patches of haze. We are the future. We are also the past. You aren't even the props. You are the backdrop. So if you have any issues or questions at all about that ad, don't hesitate to not tell me. Hope you're having a great day. Okay, Cecil, bye-bye. Hello, Cecil. It's the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. I'm in your closet, listening to Moth

seed one of your suits. They make such a lovely crunch and tear. I just wanted to reach out in regards to you protecting your former intern Dana against Hiram and I's good work toward destroying her. You foiled us more than once. I won't forget that, Cecil. I forget nothing. Unlike you, your brain a dusty surface so easily blown clean. My memory cakes on. It stains. It warps. My memory is erosion It is on the very surface of the earth Do you feel my fingernails on your back? No

You don't I could do so many things to you Without you feeling it Remember that If you remember nothing else Which seems likely these days Tell Carlos I said hi I always liked him

And stay out of my way Or I will destroy you Just as these moths are caught outside and carried into your closet are destroying all of your clothing. Cecil, I'm here with Erica and Erica. Just checking us see if we can get a ride to League Night

later. My car's in the shop because I stopped believing in it. So if you can fit us all in there, we'd appreciate it. Also, I can't use my left hand lately so it might be a little tricky, but we are still going to win. We'll crush them, Cecil.

Hi, Cecil. It's May It's Dana. I hope you're doing okay. You seem kind of... I mean, lately. Lately you've been. Isn't it weird how we talked more when I was trapped in that distant desert other world

than now when we work a five-minute drive from each other? It's funny how life works. That word meant the opposite of its usual meaning. That's funny too, I guess. I know you think I bought Lot 37. But you're wrong. I wasn't in night bail at the time. Yes, I projected myself into the auction that day, but I only bought some collectible spoons and a Lee Marvin autographed baseball for my brother. That's all, though. It's awful when you can see the reasoning for someone's feeling toward you while knowing wholly that they're wrong. I wonder sometimes if my double could have done better, or if I in the double, whether the original me would have done better. Did I destroy my better half? Then maybe I was lucky that even half of me was better once upon a time.

Cecil, I do my best with what I have. I don't have much. I hope we'll talk soon. Nightfail needs me as much as it needs you. And when it comes down to it, I'll stand for that before anything else. It's my job. Okay. Hey, okay, quick update, and then poof, I'm gone again.

from your voicemail. I've put some of the junk we've found and some of the people we've found in my lab and I'm studying them using microscopes and vials of bubbling liquid and me making thoughtful expressions and saying things like, hmm. So I'm really using all of the available scientific tools right now. Oh, I feel like I'm on the verge of something big here, something new. I'll call you soon. This is so exciting. Well, howdy, Cecil? Frank Chin here. Yes, Frank Chin, with 100% certainty, that is who I am.

Right. Uh, so, uh, Frank Chin, normal human with one voice. No other voices interrupting that main voice, making me sound anything less than human. What's going on? Someone put the phone near my ears? I can't hear! Well, there's that busted. Just normal, Frank Chin, uh, playing a joke with funny voices.

Want to hear if the mayor told you you any. any plans she might have. I'm curious because I'm a citizen and a voter. This was a bad plan. I told you I didn't want any more to do with your foolish plans. Purple, green, bloop, great. Come on, guys, we're in this together. Just, all right. Frank Chin, average person of normal head amount, saying goodbye. See you around, Cecil. Hello, this is your daily update from the automated weather service. Here is the current weather. Thank you for using our automated weather service.

Have a nice day. Cecil, Cecil, I did it. I understand. I hooked everything up to computers and I said, hmm, a lot. And then I asked the people to talk about how they ended up in the desert, and it turned out they were all lured into the dog park, poetry week, and then the gates closed on them, and they've been in this desert ever since. And I thought about this. I thought about how Dana came in here with them on that same day, and about all of the stuff I found, which I think is junk that people got rid of by throwing them

over the walls of the forbidden dog park. And I realized, this is the dog park. This whole desert, the mountain, the light up on the mountain. We're in a vast, perhaps endless and definitely endlessly forbidden dog park, which means you can visit now. You just have to walk through that dog park gate and then, you know, walk a few more hundred miles after that to wherever we're at in this huge desert, and then you'll be able to take that vacation here. Oh, call me as soon as you get this.

Cecil! Oh, honey-voiced, honey, you'll be able to visit. Talk soon. I love you. Hey, friend. We haven't spoken in a while. Not since all that unpleasant has happened. I hope everything has been super pleasant since then. Oh, but hey, I've been working on something I'd like to show you. I think you'll be just jazzed about it. get back to me ASAP okay until next time Cecil

until next time welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books it is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink the voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin the voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin

the voice of Michelle Wynn was Kate Jones the voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin the voice of Tamika Flynn was Symphony Sanders. The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton. The voice of Fay was Molly Quinn. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinner. The voice of the faceless old woman was Mara Wilson. The voice of Old Woman Josie was Reda. The voice of Mayor Cardinal was Jessica Nicole.

The voice of Hiram McDaniels was Jackson Public. The voices of the automatic phone service were Erica Livingston and Christopher Lour. The voice of Kevin was Kevin Rfree. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition.info. Or at disparation.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was tag by Scarves. Find out more at scarvesmusic.bancamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightfail.com. Or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That would be cool of you. Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying. But today, I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I've named the Baron.

I will keep you updated as events unfold. Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre? Join me, Jeffrey Craneer and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast No. Where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. Find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcast, boo.