Welcome to Night Vale - 66 - worms...

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

The worms have returned to Night Vale. Plus a new Book Club in town, spring Little League baseball tryouts, and an update on the search for two fugitives. The voice of the Faceless Old Woman was Mara Wilson. Weather: "Little Black Star" by Hurray for the Riff Raff (hurrayfortheriffraff.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middlest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. We all lie dreamily upon damp earth, spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent. Welcome to Nightveil. If you woke up today, you're probably already well aware of the worms.

It's been about 12 years since the last round of worm-based terror in this town, but they're back. They're doing all of the usual worm things, flying around and dropping trees onto cars and houses, spitting venom at people, and eating stray cats and then leaving large mulling pellets all about. town. Thousands of worms have managed to completely envelop the rec center annex, which is where today's continuing education course counter-terrorism techniques for beginners was taking place. Sadly, despite frequent pleas by many to classify worm attacks as terrorism, worms remain classified as a low-grade infestation, and thus were not covered in today's continuing education course work. This means more giant squirming pellets to clean up. Um, yeah, yeah. Worms. Worms, worms, worms. Great. Hey, unrelated to anything, just wondering, but have you ever asked yourself why the dog park

is off limits. I mean, I know it's a municipal park and all, but shouldn't citizens be able to use it? Seems kind of weird, right? That you can't just go to the dog park and hang out. Maybe even bring your dog? I don't know. It's not like it contains any kind of vast desert otherworld where my boyfriend lives. It's, I'm sure it's just a plane. old dog park and not an alt-dimensional portal? Maybe our mayor will try to open up the dog park for public use. Just temporarily, say, for a few minutes. Maybe our mayor can help me out for once.

That would certainly be a friendly and mayoral thing to do. After years of applications for city approval, there is finally an official Night Vale Book Club, listeners. The Book Club, which is run by 14-year-old bibliophile and heroic vigilante, Tamika Flynn, will feature weekly discussions of popular and classic fiction, as well as Q& Days with book experts about some of literature's most famous controversies, like last week's heated argument about whether or not Herman Melvin, really wrote all of the novels which bear his name, or just Fight Club.

The book club meets Tuesdays from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. at Patty's Hardware and Discount Pastries. Members can candidly discuss the books without fear of most government repercussions, while gnaishing on some delicious wheat and wheat-by-product-free pastries, sold at great discount to you. Paddy's also specializes in hammers, crowbars, and anything heavy that fits in your hand and can be easily swung. Shop at Paddy's, they'll never suspect a thing. Patty shouts in the looped recording playing from her perpetually squirming animatronic statue out front of her flagship store. This week's book is Helen DeWitt's The Last Samurai. There is only one heavily charred edition of this novel left in the world,

but Tamika assures us that she managed to borrow a copy from the library's forbidden material collection. She did finger quotes around the word borrow, while also shaking her head, no, and stomping, I am being totally facetious in Morse code with her right leg. Then an owl landed on her shoulder and winked. Spring League Baseball tryouts are next Saturday afternoon at the Haunted Baseball Diamond. Children new to organized baseball will be assigned teams automatically based entirely on their personal dispositions. That way there's a whole team of courageous players, a whole team of clever players, one of conniving selfish players, and one that takes all the rest of the players, just like the four

Major League Baseball teams. Triouts are from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. with volunteer coaches Betty Lucero and Lucia Tereschenko. The Nightvale Youth Baseball Association is asking parents to bring any extra baseballs to tryouts, as Coach Tereschenko died over 150 years ago. and is now a ghost, and so has a hard time picking up ground balls during batting drills. Getting an update on the Worms, city council has now elevated the warning scale from Worms, with a lowercase W followed by an ellipsis, to Worms, with a capital W and two exclamation points. It has not yet reached all caps. Worms!

But if something is not done, this could become a more destructive worms outbreak than the famous worms with all caps, one exclamation point, and underlined twice disaster of 1997. You know, listeners, if the worms get near the dog park, perhaps the hooded figures who pace about behind the tall black fences would get distracted. it. And then I could run in there and get to the desert other... I could just go check out the dogs, catching tennis balls, and have a nice relaxing afternoon in a local park. Or, actually, no. No, I'd make a break for the desert otherworld, inside the dog park, and finally go visit Carlos. Or, you know, something.

And now a word from our sponsor. Too much clutter in your home. Do you have excess furniture? Old clothes? A couple of folding bikes you never ride anymore? Jazz CDs that you no longer want because you finally realized how intellectually dangerous they can be? Perhaps you could put that stuff online for sale. There's no reason to let old junk go to waste.

How does that saying go? One person's trash is another person's leather body suit? It's true. I bet that couch of yours would look really good in, say, Denise Esposito's house. In fact, it's there now. We went ahead and sold your couch to Denise. She's already come and picked it up while you were at work. Also, we sold your TV to Sally Jensen and your fridge to Mario Landis

and both of your cats to Pedro Rania. We sold all your belongings, and you didn't have to do a thing. Craigslist, we sold your stuff while you were gone. Due to today's worm attacks, the sheriff's secret police are putting their search on hold for literal five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels, and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. After the attempted coup at City Hall several weeks back, the secret police have been aggressively pursuing the two fugitives who have reportedly conspired many times to overthrow Mayor Dana Cardinal.

Mayor Cardinal has been imperiled several times in the last month, only to be saved by someone controlling Night Vale Community radio host Cecil Palmer who is still quite upset about being used against his will. If the mayor had just asked for my help, I would have happily come to her aid on my own. A frustrated Palmer said, Just now into this very microphone. Palmer alleges that Mayor Cardinal purchased him last year in an auction

as has been using him as her personal protector. The mayor has denied these charges, but, like the Nightvale Constitution says, denying that you are guilty is a major sign of guilt. The secret police had previously warned against approaching either Hiram or the faceless old woman, as they are both deadly. But the secret police have been so busy dealing with the worms today that they just can't deal with everything on their own.

Maybe you could help us out a bit, you think? A secret police spokesperson said as worms gripped his legs tighter. I'm sure you'll be fine. If you could find either the 18-foot-tall five-headed dragon or the omnipresent ethereal woman who you can't quite ever see, go ahead, bring them down. Thanks for doing that. Big help.

Big help. The spokesperson said, as the worm consumed with one side, slimy gulp, the cutlass in his left hand. The Secret Police added they received a tip from Night Vale human, Frank Chen, that he saw Hiram McDaniels flying far away to some other place. And so, Chen said, Hiram is definitely not still in Night Vale. I remain coming round here anymore. I'm sure of it. Chen's long goldhead stated. I will burn your frail, useless corpse, human.

Chen's scaly green head added, Stop calling people humans. We are human, remember? Chen's blue head said. I mean, I am human, okay? Chen's gray head said. Knock it off, you guys! Chen's purple head grumbled from behind the other heads. Speaking of the faceless old woman,

she knows a lot about this town. I bet I could ask her how to get into the dog park, how to get into that desert other world. I should ask her, but I'm not sure I'll be able to find... Ask me what? Oh, ha, baseless old woman, you scared me. I know. So you want to go to the desert other world and visit your boyfriend?

Well, I... You are upset that the mayor has been using you to protect her from those wonderful threats to her life. and you're frustrated by this town. And you just want some time away to clear your head. And so you don't have to always be saving the mayor from whatever great forces are trying to remove her from office. Well, that's...

And by great, I mean really incredible. Of course, who even knows who's been doing all of this to the mayor? I mean, I know. I know everything. But all of these delightful rumors and lies about me, and Hiram, I mean, how can people even report such rumors? Well, they're not totally untrue, I suppose. And how on earth could I even be... A faceless old woman is...

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm a bit distracted. You know how to get into the dog park. I do. And I want to help you because, well, I want you to be happy, Cecil. I will tell you how in a dream. You will be in a boat, which will sink, of course. And you will lose all of your teeth.

And as you are trying to pick up your teeth, you will find an oil painting of a victrola. You will then place a needle on the record and eat the entire painting. Your chest will open, and dozens of red birds with gold ribbons and their talons will fly from you, and the ribbons will lift your limp open body carrying you through the sea and dropping you onto a frantic eddy of pink fish near a pink reef. You must wake up immediately when you see the shadow of a young woman emerging from behind the coral.

Do not look long at her. When you awake, you will hear her whisper And she will tell me how to get into the dog park I don't know what she will tell you Well, faceless old woman I have to go I have to get back to keeping a distant eye on whatever it is

That Chad is doing in that curse at home of his You'll be fine Nightvale will be fine The mayor will be Take a nice long break, Cecil You've earned it Faces old woman Hello

Now she's gone, I think. Listeners, oh dear, I have made a bad mistake. I believe I have upset station management. I think my openly talking about the dog park has proved to be far too political a topic for this station's old-fashioned values that believe in not questioning local, world, or secret reptilian governments, nor their parks. I have grown cavalier in my anxiousness to get out of town for a vacation, and this lack of care in my job perhaps will lead to my end.

I do not like the color glowing around my studio door right now. I do not like the predatory sniffing around the door's edge. I do not like that hum, nor the heat of my skin, nor the cold in. my heart. I cannot face them, listeners. I can not. I just want a vacation. I just want to see Carlos for a week, a day.

Noise and the lights are gone. All that is left is a black envelope, upon which is a single silver glyph, lightly a fire. I do not recognize the language, nor even the alphabet of this bird. symbol, but I know in my mind exactly what this says. I wish I did not know. I must have courage. I must open this frightful news. Before I do, let me say I am sorry to station management and to the city of Night Vale.

I have betrayed your trust with my careless speech. If spared, I promise to never speak ill. or question the dog park again, but for now, I will take myself to my punishment, and I will take you to the weather. My baby, she's like a little black star. She's just like a daddy way yonder far. Just like a daddy, way yonder far. I'm gonna tell my Jesus about my little black star Gonna tell my Jesus Just where she are Gonna tell my Jesus

All about my star We're down in the swamp That mean all over a cave Fight a day And they fight just like her daddy Guess what? The envelope wasn't about the dog park at all. I fell to my knees begging station management for forgiveness,

but they silenced me immediately. They were simply letting me know that my vacation had finally been approved. I was confused for a moment. I asked about the burning glyph on the outside of the envelope and what I thought it meant, which took some explaining as I didn't know how to describe that particular horrifying experience in English. And they laughed and said, no, that glyph is just the ancient abbreviation for human resources. There who approved the vacations around here. Then they

showed me the actual glyph that meant what I thought the other one meant, and I lost consciousness. I'm not sure for how long. When I woke, I heard the whispered instructions from the woman in the coral, and then I heard laughter. Station management was laughing. And I laughed too. And then they stopped laughing, or growling? Perhaps it was growling they were doing.

It's very difficult to say what that noise is they make. Oh, wow. Yeah, I think it was growling. Oh, now I'm super embarrassed about laughing. Anyway, the worms. The worms have backed down, thanks to a flamethrower and fierce rhetoric by the city council, resulting in some sick burns, both metaphorically and literally. The worms have left, sure to return for us again someday, as all of nature eventually will.

Friends, listeners. all of Night Vale. I love you very much, but I need time away to be with Carlos. Yes, and also some time to myself, to reflect. Also, I got a message from an old colleague, acquaintance, Nemesis, who lives there as well. You know, I don't want to talk about it just yet.

Nightvale, we've had many great ears together, and I won't be gone long, but I've also grown weary, weary of some friends who are less than friends, weary of fights that need not be fought, Weary of not being myself some of the time, which is something I strongly prefer to be all of the time, weary sometimes of Night Vale itself, I think. I'll be back. Whenever. Refreshed. You'll know when.

It'll be when you hear my voice again. Stay tuned next for... No, I don't know. Anyway, time for vacation. Good night, Night Vale. Good night! Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer, and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of The Faceless Old Woman was Mara Wilson. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at disparition. info or at dispirition.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Little Black Star by Hooray for the Riffraff. Find out more at hooray for the riffraff.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvail Radio.

Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true, but because of distance, not for millions of years. Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens? Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kramer, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast No. 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order. find, here's the short version, Random Horror Nine, wherever you get your podcasts. Boo.