Welcome to Night Vale - 68 - Faceless Old Women

Episode Date: May 15, 2015

The Sheriff's Secret Police track down a fugitive. Plus, stories from vacation, some progress at the new Old Night Vale Opera House, and another edition of "Hey There, Cecil." Weather: "Matches" by Sifu Hotman (sifuhotman.bandcamp.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Get the body you've always wanted. We know where it's buried and can lend you a shovel. Welcome to Nightvale. Hello listeners. I'm back from vacation and I'm feeling great. I, of course, miss being with Carlos in that desert other

world and miss having so much time to relax with my boyfriend, but, as with any vacation, it always feels good to come home. We had such a delightful time. Carlos and the massed army of nomadic giants that inhabit that place have managed to build a little paradise there. There's now a roller coaster and an ice cream parlor and a beach resort hotel and spa. Unfortunately, they don't have operators for the roller coaster, nor any milk for making ice cream, nor any water along the beach resort. So most of those things just sit empty, except for the roller coaster, which is constantly running, and filled with the same people who got on it over two months ago. Unable to stop because no one knew how to build a

brake system. There were terrified screams dopplering up and down the otherwise quiet nights. Those people are just having the time of the rest of their lives. More on my trip later, but first, some breaking news. The Sheriff's Secret Police just announced that they have captured the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. The faceless old woman is one of two fugitives the secret police have been tracking for the past few months. She and literal five-headed dragon, Hiram McDaniels, are wanted in connection with a series of attacks on Mayor Dana Cardinal at City Hall. A secret police spokesdeer made today's big announcement by riding it in dirt with its hoof. The announcement

began a couple of hours ago, but we're just now getting to the good stuff, and reporters have grown impatient with the spokesdeer who can only scratch one or two words at a time, and then has to erase them before continuing with the next words. The press conference turned ugly, as a couple of reporters shouted, speak English, at the deer. But then a couple more shouted, Paruski, and the spokesdeer, looking relieved, began speaking in fluent Russian, which flummoxed those reporters who only spoke English, despite their adamant demands that others develop a mastery of multiple languages. But the big news is that they captured a dangerous fugitive, which is so shocking, because, to my knowledge, no one has ever seen the faceless old woman who secretly lives

in your home? Because she lives there secretly. Of course, without a face, I imagine it would be simultaneously easy and difficult to identify her. More on this story as it develops. Okay, so back to our vacation. Carlos showed me the apartment he built using his scientific knowledge of physical materials and spatial relations. It was a cute little one bedroom on the side of a low, craggy mountain. Yeah, I know, I could hardly believe it. A mountain, right? We took turns making each other breakfast whenever we thought it was morning. Carlos cooks a delicious vegan omelet using thick fillets of ginger root for the eggs and filling it with dried cranberries and capers. I'm not a great cook, but I make excellent coffee. I generally don't let Carlos make the coffee because I have a specific

way I like to make it using a coffee hammer and angry chanting. I like my coffee like I like my nights. Dark, endless, and impossible to sleep through. After a week's staycation in Carlos's apartment, we went with the giant masked warrior Alicia on several hiking trails around the desert canyons. Carlos and Alicia showed me the brilliant array of flora that that grows in that desert Otherworld. While the desert around Nightville is mostly red and brown dust, with a smattering of white and brown rocks, topped with gray and brown brush,

the canyons of the desert otherworld are flush with rich brush of charcoal and tan, rocks the color of snow and leather, and dust that was striped in shades of sunset, and mahogany. And there were mysterious lights in the sky, just like here in Night Vale. We could not understand the lights, but we understood our lack of understanding, which is all most understanding is. Some mornings, Alicia and Doug and the other giant masked warriors would see other massed armies, and they would head off to war, gone for days at a time, only to return

bloodied and fewer in number. Carlos and I didn't mind because it gave us more time to ourselves. Oh, more about our vacation later, but there's some news or something. An update on today's arrest of the faceless old woman. Several residents across Nightvale are reporting vandalism inside their homes. Old Town residents Christopher Brady and Stuart Robinson report their living room walls were covered in writing that reads, You talked.

I see you, and I cannot hate you, but I cannot forgive you. The text seems to have been written with hand-smeared mayonnaise. Also, all of the toes were cut out of their dress socks. said Robinson of the damage, I think it's because I reported to the sheriff that the faceless old woman who secretly lives in our home was secretly living in our home.

I regret this now. Brady added, I told you not to do that, Stuart. Robinson then replied, Head in his hands. I know, Chris, you were right. You're always right. You should have listened.

to Christopher came a cold whisper over their shoulders. Stay tuned here as we bring you more news of today's arrest. And now it's time for another edition of my popular advice segment, Hey there, Cecil. Let's get to your questions. Hey there, Cecil, I date a lot of people, but never for very long. I find that while I sometimes say I love you to my girlfriend or boyfriend at the time, I don't think I have ever meant it. How do you know if you're in love?

Signed, Loveless in the Barista District. Hey there, Loveless. I think when you're truly in love, you'll know it. But you have to be in the right place with yourself to find that love. As my mother used to tell me, you can't learn to love others until you learn. that others are fiction, and that self is unreliable. Next question.

Hey there, Cecil. My husband and I regularly host dinner parties for our neighbors and vice versa. When our neighbors come over to the house, they never take off their shoes. I personally don't have a problem with that, but my husband thinks it's rude. What's your take? Signed, unshawed in Old Town. Hey there, Unshad. This is a pretty clear cut to me.

It is customary when you enter a person's home that you must always remove your shoes. Then you must remove their shoes. You must hold that person down, take their shoes, just get their shoes off. This is standard etiquette. We've got time for one more question. Hey there, Cecil, do you know the tower, the one that? that casts no shadow. It also sounds like an untuned cello.

Do you know the one? Smells like sulfur? Well, it's glowing now. Signed, Malevolent in Mission Grove Park. Hey there, malevolent. You know, as well as I do, that tower was destroyed a century ago. Never write me again. Please write me again.

Old woman Josie and her friends who are not angels, just a bunch of really tall people with wings named Erica, whom we cannot bear to look directly at, said that the new old Night Vale Opera House was coming along nicely. Although I drove past the construction site the other day, and it's still a mostly empty lot. The only difference is that they changed the sign from Josefina Contractors Inc. to Strexcorp Operatics Limited.

Also, there's a giant opera house there, but other than that, it still looks nearly the same as when they broke ground months ago. Opening night of the new old opera house will be June 15th, and will feature the world premiere of an original opera by the famous actor and composer Lee Marvin, Night Vale's own immortal legend of stage

and screen. Still no word on what an opera is. I'm being told it's like a petting zoo, but with fewer starving wolves and more intermissions. Breaking news from City Hall as the sheriff's secret police say they have now arrested more than a dozen faceless old women. The spokesdeer, still speaking in Russian for the Russian-speaking press, while also writing English words in the dirt for the embittered English-speaking press, say that the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home

seems to be several bodies connected to a single sentience. She seems not to be omnipresent at all, merely multi-present. The Secret Police spokes dear, then laughed in Russian while writing he-he-he-he in English in the dirt. Oh, oh dear, that's... That's simply not true. I...

Okay. Now there's a very long insect. Crawling into my ear. Um... It's all the way in my ear now. Um, I am not okay with this faceless old woman. Faisless old woman? Oh, God.

Listeners, hang on while I get this silverfish out of my ear canal. Okay, so traffic. It looks pretty bad out there. We've got a jackknifed 18 wheeler on the shoulder of westbound route 800 near exit 4, causing serious delays. And the bus depot on Somerset, a fire hydrant was crows. Act open and now space and time have collapsed. Okay, I'm sorry, listeners, I'm taking my headphones off. I'm having a hard time hearing myself.

I think the faceless old woman really did damage to my ear. Anyway, traffic's awful, of course, always is. Don't drive on Somerset unless you want all of your matter collapsing into a singularity. Uh, really glad to be home. Great homecoming. An update now on the multiple arrests of the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. Apparently they've managed to find 15 more versions of her in homes all over town. But according to the spokesdeer, the secret police are running out of room in the jails.

Also, even at the homes where they have arrested these faceless old women, there are still reported cases of vandalism and whispers and suggested violence and sudden but inscrutable movements in the corners of vision. In fact, these reporters are happening even in homes where an arrest of the faceless old woman had already been made. Many city buildings, especially the Secret Police's Secret Police Station, hidden in a hovercloud, have received quite a bit of damage. Bird parts in filing cabinets, bullets replaced with worms,

Badges reading Rotted Meat instead of Secret Police. Mayor Dana Cardinal has called on the police to temporarily cease their crackdown on the faceless old woman. The mayor claims she's been terrorized by falling televisions and window-mounted AC units, as well as all of the carpet in her city hall office being replaced by dark heaving fur as if the floor were now the back of some terrible beast. Listeners, I'm not falling for this bit again. Mayor Cardinal once my friend has abused my good nature too much. She bought me at an auction and has since been using me against my will to rescue her from danger.

Well, she's just going to have to figure it out on her own this time. Gross! Stop it, faces old woman. Stop it. Weather. Let's go to the weather. I have cotton swabs in both ears now, listeners, and am more than a little bit irritated. But on with the news. The secret police just retracted their earlier reports that they had captured the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. They thought they had been arresting several corporeal forms of her across town, But, in actuality, they had just been arresting a bunch of faceless old women who openly live in their own homes. It seems in retrospect that the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home still secretly lives in your home,

and has never stopped vandalizing your home in protest of these arrests of innocent women. These faceless old women are now filing a civil suit against the sheriff's secret police for unfair profiling practices. against elderly women who happen to have no faces. And the sheriff just issued the following public apology. Non-specifically, my bad, said the sheriff from his hover office in the clouds. In general, really sorry about all kinds of things. We're cool now, right? The sheriff added before dissipating into tiny crystalline droplets, which fell gently,

a silver moment to the hardened earth below. Maybe I did speak too soon about being happy to be back home. Oh, while I was reporting the weather, I received this voicemail from Carlos. Hi, babe. I heard you were apparently off saving the mayor again just now. I'm sorry I missed you. So I wanted to ask.

I was so afraid to ask while you were here, because I didn't want to complicate our peaceful vacation with difficult choices, but here it goes. Cecil, remember that building, the simple rectangular building with a tall point atop it covered entirely in a tarp? You asked several times what that tarp was covering, and I said I didn't want to say, yet. And you remember the familiar-seeming man wearing dark sunglasses with what looked like bloodstains on his shirt, but I assured you was just barbecue sauce? he built that building under the tarp. Cecil, it's a radio station.

Kevin built a radio station. He doesn't seem to be planning anything evil. In fact, he seems pretty relaxed and friendly these days. He built it for anyone who wants to broadcast or listen to broadcasts. And it got me thinking. And I mean, you don't have to decide now. And you don't even have to decide yes at all. but would you ever think about, would you ever consider, oh, this is tough to ask on voicemail?

Just call me, okay? Call me when you're off the air. I love you. Yes. Yes, I would, Carlos. I think I really would. It was so serene there. So lovely.

Okay. Private thoughts done. Let's turn my microphone back on now. Well, listeners, I wonder what Carlos might be trying to ask me. I mean, it's probably nothing, and even if it was something, I don't think I would move away or anything. Move away. No one said anything about moving away. Who moves away? I have to stick around a bit anyway, because my sister and brother-in-law are going out of town for a couple of weeks and need me to look after my niece, Janice. I don't want to disappoint Janice.

I mean, how could I disappoint Janice? By moving away? Why do you keep saying that? Who's moving away? Not me. So, I'll be sure to stay very focused on being a good uncle and guardian. Plus, apparently the mayor needs me around to save her all the time. Hate to leave that behind.

Stay tuned next for the sound of folding cardboard and long strips of tape. And to all of the faceless old women, living secretly or living otherwise, fight the good fight. Just leave me out of it, okay? Yeah, these cotton balls are already soaked. And to everyone else, good night. Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Criner, and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispirition.com or at dispirition. Bancamp.com. This episode's weather was matches by Sifu Hotman. Find out more at SifuHotman.Bancamp.com. That's S-I-F-U-Hotman.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com. or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool Nightvale stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, Don't be afraid of the dark.

Be afraid of all of the terrible things that are hiding there and the terrible things they will do. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26, and did you know we are on tour in Europe? Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage. in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony

Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightveille.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe live tour right now at welcome to nightville.com slash live. And hey, thanks.