Welcome to Night Vale - 70A - Taking Off

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

It's the first broadcast of a new radio station in a desert otherworld. Plus, a huge research project reaches its conclusion. The voice of Kevin is Kevin R. Free. The voice of Carlos is Dylan Marron. Weather: "Pyramid" by Jason Webley (jasonwebley.com). Music: Disparition, disparition.info and Joseph Fink. Logo: Soren Melville. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale

for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do Best Worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. We all have to start somewhere. We all have to end somewhere, too, but let's concentrate on the other thing. Welcome to

Well, Welcome to a desert other world. We should come up with a better name for this place. Names are, after all, extremely important. Hi, I'm your radio host, Kevin. I'm speaking to you from our brand new station, and this is our inaugural broadcast. I'm so excited to be back on the air.

I'm not sure we have any listeners yet, but we will. We will. Later in the show, we'll be talking to Doug and Alicia, leaders of the army of masked giants who roam this desert and who have been instrumental in building our new city. They've been so welcoming to us outsiders. Not all outsiders, though. They are, after all, a violent and territorial army.

But some outsiders, people like me, and like my friend Carlos, he's a scientist. He's a beautiful man who does beautiful things. I have Carlos on the phone with us right now with some breaking news. Carlos, tell everyone about the huge project you've been working on this past year. Hi, Kevin. Thanks for having me on the show. So first off, Doug and Alicia are here in my kitchen. Alicia built a refrigerator from some cactus pads twine,

and three different kinds of birds, and now they're making a bunch of pasta salad for lunch this week. They'll save some for you if you'd like. How delightful! I'm totally disgusted by pasta salad. Can't stand the taste or the smell. In fact, to look at it causes me to heave. But thank you, that's so kind.

Right. So this new experiment, and I have to tell you, I am really excited about it. You know how our cell phones always work, in this desert other world, even though there are no towers and how they never seem to run out of battery? Yes, I love taking these facts for granted. Well, I'm on the verge of uncovering what's causing that. Here in my laboratory, which Doug and Alicia, and one of the other soldiers whose name is built for me,

I've been hard at work pacing about in front of a row of conical flasks, beakers, and wide tubes, furiously writing Greek letters and Arabic numbers, and I think later today, I will make an enormous breakthrough. What did you find out? I can't say yet. I'm just waiting on my computer to finish calculating the... Everything okay? I don't know. Alicia and Doug look really agitated. They're jumping up and down by the window.

The other giant soldiers are running into formation outside. I need to see what's wrong. While Carlos checks on our favorite soldiers, let's get an update now on the roller coaster inhabitants. I'm referring to the roller coaster Doug and Alicia built for our new town months ago. It looks terribly fun. It has a tall first hill and a 90-degree drop-off that is almost 600 feet, I'm told, and then it goes into a series of loops and turns and figurates, And then some spirals, where the riders go upside down several times per second. And then there's a sheet of flames that as you approach,

it looks like you're about to go right through the fire. But at the last second, the tracks spirals again, and you go through the fire upside down. Anyway, it's an exciting looking ride. I haven't been on it yet. That's because after they started it on its first trip, they haven't been able to stop it. They didn't invent brakes, so that's an issue. And even though they cut the power to the ride, it's still going with the same passengers

caught in an interminable cycle of fun. Oh, we have Carlos back on the line again, Carlos. Doug and Alicia are gone. It turns out that the commotion was over. another army marching along the horizon? Doug and Alicia ran screaming around the house and through the kitchen overturning my cutting board and grabbing their weapons. Alicia took my chef's knife and Doug made a makeshift slughorn out of one of my large funnels so that he could call their army to action.

Good for them! Protecting our community. No, but I was trying to explain that the other army was marching perpendicular to us. They were not marching towards us. This desert is filled with small armies always marching in different directions. We can't attack them all for no reason. And now my kitchen counter is demolished. Oh, it'll grow back. So, I'm so excited to learn more about your research into the strange properties of this region.

I think you once called this desert other world the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S. Well, no, my exact words were... So, when do you expect the results? Sounds like whatever you come up with could possibly be a monumental shift in how we perceive thermodynamic laws. Well, I'm at my lab right now, hunched over my computer waiting for it to complete its final report, then comparing its results to my thousands of handwritten notes from the past year. I believe I can pinpoint the exact source of this desert's energy. It shouldn't be long.

Please don't rush me. Great. Let us know soon, though. While Carlos does that, perhaps I can tell you all a little bit about our new radio station. Take you on an audio tour, if you will. We have a tall broadcast tower made of stones and Adobe. Those zigzaggy electrical bolts visibly shooting outward from the top of the tower, those are actual radio waves. Inside the building itself, we have a small broadcast. booth with a couple of new mics.

Some of the members of the masked army of giants helped me decorate my studio too. It was so empty and bloodless before. It required a lot of lizards and rodents, but it's finally starting to feel like home. I've got a producer's booth just off to my right. I can see my old intern Vanessa in there. Hi, Vanessa!

We're a bit understaffed, So Vanessa has been having to act as my producer as well as head of sales and marketing and even answering phones. Good thing she has a doppelganger to help out. Most people kill their double, but that's such a waste of a good opportunity. The more, the merrier, the more productive, I say. Oh, and we're hiring right now. If you have experience in any of the following areas, add sales, graphic design, office management, entomology, Fortran programming, falconry, or sports law.

Please send your resume to radio station, care of Kevin. We have no postal service in the desert otherworld nor any mailboxes, so it's important that you carefully reread the secret by Rhonda Byrne in order to wish your resume into my office. Sounds like Carlos is back on the line now. Did you get the results from your... Doug and Alicia are back. Oh, good!

So wonderful to have dear friends around to be a part of your brilliant achievement. Yeah, but they are in no condition to celebrate the great strides of scientific study right now. Most of the army returned from fighting, but there are more than a dozen who did not. Alicia lost two fingers, and Doug is bleeding quite badly

because of a compound fracture in his forearm. Everyone who returned is in treatable condition. I believe they'll be fine, but they're wounded and need lots of rest. And no more fighting for a long time. It's a mess over here. Good thing they have such a good and helpful friend in you. So tell us about your study on the strange energy here in the desert.

I can't yet. The army came in so quickly dropping their weapons everywhere, along with some detached limbs that I don't even think belong to them. And all of my journals, which I had left out and open on my desk, have been rendered unusable. There are broken beakers and blood-soaked composition notebooks everywhere. I don't even know where to begin cleaning up all of this blood. I'm sorry, did you just say something? Nope. I just...

like your story. Carry on. Doug, Doug, come back. Kevin, I have to go. Doug just constructed a makeshift splint out of rocks and snakes. He just grabbed his axe and ran out the back door. And there goes Alicia. Stop going to war.

You need rest. Call you back, Kevin. They can't go on like this. Listeners, I'm getting word of strong winds out of the east. stirring up dust devils and hurling plant debris and weak-willed animals through the air. This is a rare sunless day for our other world desert. While Carlos tries to get his notes unblooded, let's have a closer look at the weather. What is coming down the strip?

You've been watching so much longer now than night. Do you know, Margaret, just what we'll... this day delivered does it work out tooth for tooth an apple eye started stacking up the stones the very day that you were born matter how you grew ever tower above could change your name move all the way to sunny can you start your life anew does that long shadow follow you who was it my that chose to resurrect you here for me in scattered lines of poetry this distant wistful girl i see reflected in your eyes the ways i am mistaken are the liberties i've taken i projected you in costumes i don't think were quite your size

now here i'm climbing up these stones a hundred years from where you were born looking for a song Trace these roads drove past your home You were not inside You found a better place to hide Tell me, my What will I To be left at the bottom of a garbage bin I dusted off

Pulled up on to spill it please me When someone lights a candle and says man Will I say Leave me Blow out the flame and close the lid This story's done Why can't we turn the page? The bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin The bottom of a garbage bin At the bottom of a garbage bin At the bottom of a garbage bin At the bottom of a garbage spin At the bottom of a garbage bin Leave me when someone That's a candle and says,

Wow, that's a candle and says man. Tell me with someone that's a candle and says my. That weather report was informative. I had no idea how dangerous a storm that was until I heard that report. To be a radio broadcaster who gets to tell stories about things that make us unhappy thrills me to my bones. Because by telling people about all that can make us unhappy, I prepare them to truly enjoy those happy moments when they come.

Once, my hometown of Desert Bluffs had a deadly outbreak of throat spiders. Hundreds were diagnosed with this usually treatable disease, but it was a particularly virulent strain, and many people died, or were left without voices and lower jaws when it was all over. Almost a day wouldn't go by where you didn't hear a fit, of strenuous coughing, punctuated by a muffled pop, only to turn around, and see a cascade of tiny spiders pouring over the craggy ledge that used to be a person's lower teeth.

Each day I got to report these upsetting stories, but the best part about it was when Desert Bluff's residents eventually stopped losing part of their faces to throat spiders, and we all rejoiced in our newly healthy and happy lives. As the saying goes, it's always dawn. Oh, and speaking of sunshine, Carlos just arrived here, live in the studio with me. Carlos, did you go out in this weather? You're covered in dust, and those look like friction burns in the shape of lab goggles on your face. Are you okay? Did Doug and Alicia make it back? Not yet. They... What is this all over your studio? Is that barbecue sauce? Oh, that? That's just blood. And some old bones and loose teeth and beaks and things. I finally decorated. Thanks for noticing.

and I just notice you have a piece of paper in your hand. That must be your final report. Look at how we both notice things about each other. I love that. I, um, well, you sound sad. Which is great news because it means you'll be happy again eventually. It's a tough day, what with all the weather and the wars and the blurs and the blouse. blood. But your boyfriend will soon be moving from Night Vale to come live here with you.

Well, um, about that. And, and? You finally have the scientific results of your hard scientific work. I don't. I don't have results, Kevin. When the army marched out again, I went back to trying to recover my notes. I had just gotten the lab desktops clean when Alicia's large dog bounded through the lab and out the front door, sending every glass tube and jar crashing onto the floor. When I bent over to see the damage, I saw my computer there too, just on the tile, snapped nearly in half, a tuft of white fur covering the keyboard, singed slightly by the smoke streaking out of the broken monitor. I lost it all, Kevin. My entire year of study is gone.

What's the paper then? Did you at least learn some of your results? This is nothing. It's just a letter I wrote to a friend. Oh, I love letters. Letters are so fun to receive. Not this one. It's a sad letter.

A letter about regrets, about mistakes. You know how sometimes you spend a lot of time with someone and you think that someone makes you happy, but then suddenly one day you realize maybe you weren't happy at all. Maybe you both would be better off doing what you love in different places, without each other. Maybe neither of you were as happy as either of you thought.

That is a sad-sounding letter. I don't understand or like that at all. I have spent the last year all wrong. I believe in you, Carlos. Don't let destruction, blood, and war hold you back. You're a brilliant scientist. I realize I need to just start everything over. Rededicate myself.

I need to do it right this time. No more distractions. I can't spend another year like this one. So it pains me to carry this letter, but I wrote it to set my boundaries. So you know, there's no postal service here yet. I know. That's why I'm hand delivering it.

Oh. Remember, no one should ever be sad. Choose not to be sad, Carlos. In fact, choose to be happy. Perhaps your letter is the first step to choosing happiness, even while it makes someone else sad. I understand. Listen, I should go.

I'm headed to Nightvale one final time. I need to talk to Cecil about, well, about some changes. Thanks for everything, Kevin. You've been so kind to me in this difficult year. Goodbye, Carlos. Well, it's a shame that our huge scientific breakthrough didn't quite happen today. As the old phrase goes, the best laid plans of mice and men are completely different kinds of plans altogether. Very different creatures, those two.

But it's not a total wash. Our next show should feature spine-tingling adventure stories about today's desert battles. We have so much to do, us, so much to explore and understand, so much to make here in our great desert. other world. Say, we really do need a name for this place. Things without names don't really exist. So, I'm going to call this. I'm going to call it Desert Bluffs. Desert Bluffs was the name of my hometown, and by naming it Desert Bluffs, this place becomes my new hometown. We are in my home. We are in Desert Bluffs, no matter where we are in space or time. What is a town but a name, right?

Until next time, New Desert. It looks like Carlos left behind that letter he was supposed to hand-deliver. I better not read it. No. Better not. Until next time, New Desert Bluffs. Until next time. Oh no. This is so sad. No, I don't like this. I am sad. Welcome to Desert Bluffs is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Kevin was Kevin R. Free.

The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin. Original music by Dysperition and Joseph Fink. Some of it can be found at disparition.com. Or at disparition.com. This episode's weather was Pyramid by Jason Webley. Find out more at jasonwebley.com and see him play live in the UK and Ireland with the Welcome to Nightveil touring live show.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightveil Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightveil.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool night veil stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider throwing money at the computer screen. That'd be cool of you. Today's proverb, a rose by any other name is called something else. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craneer speaking to you from spring of 26 and did you know we are on tour in Europe?

Welcome to Nightville. We'll be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th, and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest. drawing Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by disparition. These tours are so much fun, and they're for the diehard fan and the Nightvale new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what Nightville is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcome to nightvail.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets. Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at Welcome to Nightvell.com slash And hey, thanks.