Welcome to Night Vale - 78 - Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special

Episode Date: November 15, 2015

Spice up that stuffy old stuffing with a Thanksgiving edition of 'Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan.' The voice of Earl Harlan was Wil Wheaton. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwiner. Weather: "Autumn's Echo" by Stripmall Architecture (stripmallarchitecture.com) Music: Disparition, disparition.info. Logo: Rob Wilson, robwilsonwork.com. Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink & Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dysperition and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear

Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Nightvale. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out

all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Cook a feast, no family could fully eat. Recite prayers, no family could fully believe. And acknowledge a frightful history

no family could fully comprehend. Welcome to Nightvale. We have a treat for you today, Nightvale. A Thanksgiving edition of Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan. Our guest, of course, is Earl Harlan, sous chef at Nightveil's most celebrated restaurant, Turnicat. Thanks for being here, Earl.

Thanks for having me on, Cecil. Earl's going to be talking us through preparing and cooking a basic Thanksgiving meal. I know a lot of you out there have your ancient family recipes, still on their original cave walls, but Earl might have some new techniques to help you spice up those old dishes. And there are a lot of people, like Carlos and me, who have never cooked or even seen a Thanksgiving turkey. It's intimidating. Where do we begin, Earl? Well, it doesn't have to be intimidating.

On today's show, I'll walk you through the five easy steps for the perfect Thanksgiving. turkey. Kill, clean, gut, stuff, and cook. Also some essential dishes like mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. That sounds great, Earl. But before we get started, let's get a news update about the trial of Hiram McDaniels. Things are coming along in Night Vale's Trial of the Century. Judge Chavon Azdak has been assigned this case. Chavon is not actually a judge. She's a theater writer, or the Nightvale Daily Journal, but given that Nightvale has never had a trial, we just didn't have many judges around. Since Chavon has such a nuanced understanding of contemporary stage craft, but with an acerbic and unforgiving critical voice, she seemed a pretty good fit for deciding

the fates of likely criminals, which is who she'd be dealing with. I mean, what innocent person gets arrested and brought to trial? No innocent person. No innocent person. than I've ever heard of. Hiram McDaniels, a literal five-headed dragon, has been charged with the attempted murder of current mayor Dana Cardinal, as well as conspiracy, assault, and willful destruction of private property. The trial will be held just as soon as they can find a jury of Hiram's peers. So far, they have found a salamander, but it's tiny and cannot speak human languages.

let alone hold still long enough to listen to the lawyers discuss jury selections. Also, it's an amphibian, not a reptile, so that's pretty insensitive. They did find another five-headed dragon available to serve on a jury, but it turns out she is Hiram's sister, Hadassah, and she was none too happy to be called in for jury duty, let alone at her brother's trial. The prosecuting attorney, Troy Walsh, has been toying around with the idea of just dressing people up like dragons, so that Hiram feels like he's getting a fair trial. This seems the most equitable thing to do since everyone knows that justice is less about what the law says and more about how everyone feels about it. More on the trial of the century as events develop.

Now let's get right back to cooking stuff with Earl Harlan. Thanks, Cecil. So let's cook a turkey. First step, find a turkey and kill it. Yum. I shot mine, but you could use a knife, a bow and arrow, a heavy wrench, your teeth, whatever's easiest for you. The next step is to clean your bird. Pluck all of the feathers from its lifeless corpse. Cut off its head and all six of it. its hooves. Now adventurous culinary experts out there could pickle those

hoobs and serve them with ice cream for a traditional switish dessert. Next, gut the turkey and don't be intimidated by the stench. Just stick your knife deep into its belly and allow everything to pour out onto the floor. You won't need any of that mess. Well my mother actually used to cook turkey organs for us. She said they were called giblets. Oh, your mother lied to and you see some. Then what was she feeding us? Let's stuff this turkey.

What do you say? Okay. I used to make my stuffing from stale bread, but since wheat and wheat byproducts can turn into snakes and kill you, I just take old newspapers, wad them up, and shove them into the turkey. They absorb most of the bird's toxic fluids, so same result, really. After the stuffing, throw in some seasoning, like salt and pepper, thyme, sage, a fistful of grass,

anything you find lying around. Just put it in a pile on top of the turkey and slide it into the oven. While you're waiting for it to cook, maybe catch a football game on television. I plan on watching some games this year with my son Roger. Last Thanksgiving we watched football together. But at the time, I had just come into awareness of myself as an adult

and suddenly had the son that I didn't know at all, so I didn't know his name. It was awkward. Plus, neither of us had heard of food. football, let alone its Byzantine laws and restrictions on dancing. We both sat silently waiting for it to be over, wanting to speak to each other, unable to find the words. Not talking can be a blessing, Earl.

Well, Thanksgiving Day football games are my favorite because my brother-in-law doesn't talk to me for hours. Carlos likes watching the big parade, but I don't deal well with gore, so I cover my eyes and have him describe to me how they all. die. I'm trying to build family traditions with Roger. I'm trying to build anything with Roger. Fun. And hey, I remembered to rent an oven for your appearance this time, Earl. Now, you already prepared our turkey before the broadcast today. It's cooking right now low and slow at 675 degrees. I can't wait to taste it. But first, a public service announcement. The Night Vale Parks Department,

would like to remind you that bears are dangerous animals, and you should stay away from them. Conversely, bears are also adorable, so it's hard to want to stay too far away. The Nightvale Parks Department understands bears look like they want hugs. And maybe they do want hugs. Maybe a hug would be just the thing to calm down their aggressive side. Who knows? In fact, The rangers over at the Parks Department are split right down the middle as to whether bears are dangerous or cute. According to the new Parks Department brochure on wilderness safety, it's tough to say, I don't know, try hugging a bear, see what happens. What a weird brochure. Bears are dangerous animals, Cecil. No one should ever hug.

Let's not argue, Earl. This has been a public service announcement created by the Night Vale Parks Department, and paid for by a bunch of bears that pooled their money and bought some airtime. Let's talk now about the ultimate Thanksgiving side. Mash potatoes. Right. Mashed potatoes are a simple dish in concept, but they take skill to master. A lot of people think they only need to mix potatoes, stock, butter, and cream.

But there's so much more to it than that. Really? I've been using that standard recipe for years. It seems fine. Oh, but Cecil, it could be so much better. For instance, you could cook those potatoes for about 45 to 60 minutes to really soften them up. A raw potato is quite hard to mash, let alone chew. Oh, I never thought about that.

People also forget to take the butter out of its wax paper or foil wrapping. You should definitely unwrap your butter before using it. Also, make sure your cream is fresh. You don't want to use any heavy cream or cream. older than, say, six months. Amazing. I would have never thought of any of this. And listen, salt and pepper are fine for mashed potato seasoning,

but if you really want to step your dish up a notch, really have your family clamoring about your kitchen skills, then let me tell you my secret spice mix. What is it, Earl? I use slightly more salt and a little extra pepper. Just a tad. Amazing. Then you just put it all on a pot and mash it with your feet until it's warm enough to serve.

You know, I recently made this dish for me and Roger. Did he love it? I couldn't tell. He ate it and then said, thanks. Um, and then I said, Dad? And he said, okay. And he went to bed.

Oh, how sweet. Lately, I've noticed he wakes up in the middle of the night and just walks. I got up quietly and followed him one night. He walked out of the house and into the neighborhood. He walked down each street in our subdivision, never backtracking or walking the same street twice. He didn't stop or look at anything. He just walked in the darkness.

Once a hooded figure passed him, but neither of them acknowledged each other. The hooded figure saw me for sure. But I think they also saw that I was just a concerned father and was not interested in spying on any of their secretive activities. The hooded figure nodded and let me pass. And Roger came home after that. Yep. He walks each street, each night in a different pattern, and then returns to bed.

Quite an adventurous kiddo you have there. Let's pause now for a word from today's sponsor. With that, here's Deb, a sentient patch of haze. Hello, human listeners. Today's show is proudly sponsored by corn. It's almost Thanksgiving, after all, and you wouldn't have Thanksgiving without corn. Thanksgiving is America's holiday. Corn is America's crop.

America's lifeblood. You can't live without corn. If we didn't have corn, we wouldn't have tortillas or serps. up or soft drinks. Without corn, we wouldn't have dogs or cars. We wouldn't even have a moon. Everything is made of corn. Listen to your heartbeat. Zzzzz. You hear that heartbeat of yours? I'm a patch of haze. I don't know what a heartbeat sounds like, but this is what I imagine it sounds like. That sound in your chest is corn, my friend. All of that corn.

pumping through your delicate mortal veins. You didn't choose how you got here. Neither did corn. You are both products of free market and overpopulation. Corn. Eat it. This message is brought to you by the corn and imaginary corn farmers of America.

Thanks, Deb. It's really humid in here. That's Deb for you. Well, speaking of corn, that brings us to my favorite Thanksgiving dish cranberry sauce. A lot of people look down on canned cranberry sauce, but don't be so quick to judge.

It's inexpensive, easy to store, and with the right preparation, you can elevate this plain can of red gelatin into the most talked about dish on the table. Great news. I have an entire cupboard full of canned cranberry sauce. I'm looking forward to hearing what I'm supposed to do with it. I found Roger one evening in the cupboard.

He was just sitting there. He wasn't hiding or crying. I asked him what he was doing and he shrugged his shoulders. I asked him if he was all right. And he said, sure. Tell me, how is he doing in school? It's been up and down. There's no record of his birth or his existence prior to last fall.

I don't know of any birth mother and he has no memories prior to showing up at my house for the first time a little over a year ago. The school has let him enroll and take classes despite his lack of paperwork. He gets along with most kids, okay? But some teasing. We call him names like Ghost Child and Zombie Kid, because his skin is grayish and decaying, and he is nearly transparent. Ouch. Kids can be cruel.

He's really good in class, though. He's still in elementary school because he looks about eight or nine, but his teacher, Ms. Blackwell said he has, adult-level reading and math skills, so we're trying to get in more advanced material. He's been reading Emanuel Kant for a book report. Roger's such a bright kid. You're a good father, Earl. You know that, right?

I have no idea what he's thinking, Cecil. I try to talk to him, but he seems distant, bored. I don't know. He's a child. It's difficult, I imagine, for what is essentially an adopted child. He's not adopted, though. He looks just like me, Cecil. See, here's a photo of him, and here's one of me when I was a child. Oh, wow. You two are identical. When was this photo taken of you? Is that a steam locomotive in the back... Ah! Fire! Oh my! Listeners, it appears our oven has caught fire. Where's that extinguisher?

Here, here! Where are you? Earl? Oh, there's so much smoke. Listeners, while I find Earl, let me take you all to the weather. Something new. From exclusively on Paramount Plus, it's the series Stephen King calls Scarious Hell. Everything here is impossible, but it's also real. Sci-fi vision calls it the best show streaming right now.

We're running out of time and we still don't know the rules. Don't miss what the movie blog calls something you need to watch. Saving those children is how we all go home. From Binge All Episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Well, our turkey has finished cooking. And you've laid out a whole Thanksgiving spread for us here, Earl. It looks delectable. Yeah, the turkey came out perfectly.

Once the oven catches fire, that's when you know it's time to take out your bird and dig in. Well, oh, let me start by tasting the cramp. sauce. Mmm. Oh, that's so good. It's got that perfect balance of tart and sugary sweetness I like. Plus the crunch of the frozen corn mixed in just gives this gooey dish a delightfully complex texture. I also recommend mixing in a handful of bay leaves at the end.

Yum! And now let's try these Earl Harlan special mashed potatoes. Mmm, so buttery and warm, like the skin on the bottom of a human foot. And don't forget my secret spice mix. Oh, I've already forgotten. Let's move on to the crown jewel of Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey. Tell us about this masterpiece, Earl. Turkey is easier than you think, listeners.

Don't be intimidated. I shot this bird, drained its blood, tore all of the world, tore all of the world. its feathers off, removed its organs, and cut off its head and feet. Then I stuffed things into its dead body and put it in an oven. Let's give it a taste. Hmm. So, okay. Huh. That's so nice of you to say, Cecil. This show has meant a lot to me today. I've been having a tough, well, a complicated year. And cooking, cooking has brought me so much joy. Well, distraction. It's a real pleasure getting to spend time with you and your listeners.

Earl, come over to our place for Thanksgiving. I... No. Yes, please. Carlos and I would love to have you and Roger... Who? Your son? Right.

Right. We'd love to have you two over. My sister and her husband are coming. Plus, my niece Janice will be there, so that would be someone Roger could talk to and play with. I don't want to intrude. Can you even fit that many people? Oh, of course. Plus, Carlos and I will do the cooking.

No working for you this holiday. Cecil, I don't know what to say. Well, actually, we might need a hand with the cranberry sauce. I have over 20 cans of the stuff I need to prepare. But other than that, you and Roger just sit back and try to understand the point of football. Maybe even have Carlos describe the torture scenes from the parade to you both. Eek! Oh, keep Steve occupied and out of the kitchen while I'm cooking.

Thank you, Cecil. You're welcome. I can't wait to try out all these new recipes. I'm going to go out and assassinate a tour. turkey right after the broadcast today. I'm that excited. Listeners, thanks again for tuning in and thanks to Earl Harlan of the restaurant tourniquet for these helpful cooking tips. Stay tuned next for a nearly exact repeat of this same show, but with the addition of one extra word that changes the meaning of everything. And as always, good night, Night Vale, good night. Welcome to Nightvale. Welcome to Nightveal.

is a production of Nightvale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craneer and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton. The voice of Deb was Meg Bashwinner. Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be found at dispersion. info or at dispersion.bancamp.com. This episode's weather was Autumn's Echo by Storror. Strip Mall Architecture. Find out more at strip mall architecture.com. Comments, questions, email us at, info at welcome to nightvail.com,

or follow us on Twitter at Nightvail Radio. Check out Welcome to Nightvail.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightvail stuff you can own. And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That would be way cool of you. Today's proverb, If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang. And if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake.

It's a cake gang. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every other. episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday. Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.