Welcome to Night Vale - 8 - The Lights in Radon Canyon

Episode Date: October 1, 2012

Mysterious lights and sounds are coming from Radon Canyon. Plus, tips on how to win the town lottery, our newest (incorporeal) School Board member, and the abandoned mineshaft finally gets HBO! Weather: "This Too Shall Pass" by Danny Schmidt. dannyschmidt.com Music: Disparition, disparition.info Logo: Rob Wilson, silastom.com Produced by Night Vale Presents. Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. Narrated by Cecil Baldwin. More Info: welcometonightvale.com, and follow @NightValeRadio on Twitter or Facebook. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy y'all. It is Jeffrey Craneer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Nightville you're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're going to be in Europe. If you want to see Nightville live and you're going to be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're going to be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th, London on the 29th, and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to Welcome to Nightville.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets. This is. our newest Nightville live show Murder Night in Blood Forest. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also, coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead, brand new episodes of our other crazy hit podcast. This is written by Joseph Fink, produced and with music by Dissin and starring Jacique and Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally, speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? things. We have three other really great chat shows. First of all, there's Good Morning Nightvale for all of your Nightvale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg, and Symphony talk about every single

episode in order of Welcome to Nightvail. Also, we have Random Horror Number Nine. That is me and Nightville star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order. And then Joseph and Meg do best, worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightfallpresents.com or just wherever you get your podcast. And hey, thanks. Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic. Welcome to Nightmare. Next Saturday is the big lottery drawing listeners,

ride out in front of City Hall, and your community radio station has put together a few helpful tips for winning. The lottery is, of course, mandatory. But how can you get the best odds for drawing a blank white paper and not one of the purple pieces that means you'll be ceremoniously disemboweled and eaten by the wolves at the Night Vale Petting Zoo and Makeshift Carnival? I know to some of you young people, this lottery seems like a barbarous, outdated tradition. But, if not for municipally planned citizen sacrifice each quarter,

how else would we find satisfactory meats to feed those sad, scrawny animals? So, here now are the three eyes of playing the lottery. I won. Identify. Learn to sense colors. Purple has a grittier emotional aura than white. I, 2. Ignite. Set fire to your home. While it's not true that wolves refuse to eat arsonists,

it's a scientific fact that they're unable to detect the presence of one. I3. Imitate. If you happen to draw a purple piece, impersonate someone who drew a white piece. you might be mistaken for a person who is colorblind. This, of course, will lead to months of painful color re-education at City Hall. But in most cultures, that's better than being eaten by wolves. Also, make sure to visit the Food Truck Festival, which will be downtown as part of the lottery festivities.

Popular truck treats include Korean barbecue, vegetarian chili, and veal ice cream. Carlos, this station's favorite scientist, no offense to Dr. Dubinsky in the Night Vale Community College Chemistry Department, dropped by our broadcast location earlier this morning for a little chat. Sadly, dinner or weekend plans were not among the topics. However, Carlos did request that we ask listeners for anyone who saw a series of bright, colorful flickers coming from Radon Canyon this past weekend. These flickers would have also been accompanied by unintelligible noises, possibly some form of coded communication or signal jamming technique.

Carlos suggested that there could be some very sinister forces at work here. He declined to be interviewed live, claiming only that he was scared for us, scared for all of us in our strange town. Then he drove away quickly in his economical but attractively sporty hybrid coupe. If anyone out there knows anything about these otherworldly lights and sounds, please contact us immediately. Night Vale School Superintendent Nick Ford announced today that the glow cloud has joined the school board. The glow cloud passed over the entirety of Night Vale several weeks ago.

dropping small and large animal carcasses, controlling our thoughts and tertiary muscle groups, and erasing every last recording device. We're still unsure the glow cloud even existed, as no one remembers it, nor has any digital record of it. If not for a few intrepid citizens who used old-fashioned pens and pencils to record the event in their diaries,

we would have no remaining knowledge of that, day. I, of course, can only thank those journal writers anonymously here on the air, as the Night Vale City Council long ago banned writing utensils, along with margarita glasses and barcode scanners, and I don't want to get my fellow reporters in any trouble with the sheriff's secret police. According to Superintendent Ford, the glow cloud's visit on that need, forgotten day, was simply an effort to find a nice neighborhood with good schools to raise a child. Now what kind of progeny, a powerful, formless cloud of noxious nightmares and spiritual destruction might produce? I dare not even speculate. But I do know one thing. That little cloud is going

to get one heck of an education in the Night Vale School District. And isn't it heartening to hear that that little puff of despair's father or mother will serve on the school board? I mean, no matter how good the school, a student can only get out as much as the parents put in. We should all take such an impactful role in our children's scholastic lives. especially you, Steve Carlsberg. You don't do anything except bring unacceptably dry scones to PTA meetings

and take grammatically disastrous minutes on your shifts as meeting secretary. Get it together, Steve. Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member. All hail! Kneel for the glow cloud. Sacrifice. Pestilence. Sores. All hail the glow cloud. And now, traffic. This morning I saw a running man. He passed by my home, panting, limping, running desperate. I tried to stop him, but he would not meet.

my eye. This noontime I saw a running man. He was coming down from the mountain holding a bag. His knees were bloody and face covered in tears. This evening I saw a running man. He was leaving town, legs pumping like a terrified heart. I think he was missing a hand. Is it? that he wouldn't meet my eye or that he had no eyes. Now I wish I could remember. There are many things I wish I could remember. This has been traffic.

New billboards have appeared all over town, bearing the image of a turkey sandwich and the single word harlot in large block letters. These billboards have caused some confusion, both due to their ambiguous message and to the fact that the entire structure of the billboards materialized overnight in places billboards are not usually constructed, such as the living rooms of local homes, the middle of busy thoroughfares, causing multiple car accidents, and, in one case, directly through a living dog, who has not appeared harmed by the addition to his body, and has carried the entire billboard around town while going about his usual canine business. The Department of Health and Human Services recently claimed responsibility for the billboards,

saying that they were part of a campaign to promote nutrition and healthy living among children. The original draft of the release also mentioned something about an offering to a long-dead God, but this was altered to, Fun, active lifestyles are important for kids of all ages, in a subsequent addendum. We're receiving several phone calls from listeners and from the Parks Department that those flickering lights and unintelligible noises we reported on earlier were coming from the Pink Floyd Multimedia Laser Spectacular.

I contacted Carlos about this, and he said that the situation is even worse than he imagined. He, again, did not mention weekend plans. A sports scandal has shook our quiet little town. The Night Vale Scorpions have faced multiple allegations of possible game tampering this football season. Representatives for the Desert Bluffs School District, speaking in unpleasant and high-pitched voices indicative of weakness of will, and character, complained to the regional football and traffic code authority that Nightvale

quarterback Michael Sandero's recently grown second head counts as a 12th man on the field, thus invalidating the wins brought on by his also recently acquired superhuman agility and strength. The RFTCA said that they would look into these allegations with the utterword. most seriousness, along with their concurrent investigation into whether Nightvale's invisible crosswalk policy is actually a desperate bid to save town funds at the cost of pedestrian lives. Meanwhile, the school board is due to announce its decision in their ongoing hearings as to whether appealing to angels for a win constitutes illegal game tampering. Several angels agreed to testify at the hearings, however, their testimonials were cut short

when it became apparent that the hearings were actually elaborate traps set up by the city council to finally capture the angels, whom the council does not recognize as actually existing. Fortunately, the angels easily escaped from their cages in a blaze of heavenly light, Presumably returning to Old Woman Josie's house, out near the car lot, which has become something of an informal shelter for local angels. When asked about the controversy over his team's winning record, Coach Nazar al-Mujaheed said, Our boys are good boys. They're good boys at football.

We win them, with the boys, the football. Then he smiled vacantly, waved at no one, and wandered off in the direction of the woods. More on this story as it develops. And now a word from our sponsor. Step in to your nearest subway restaurant today and try their new six-inch mashed mashed potato sub. Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like French fries and Nutrize. They'll even toast or poach it for you. There are several subway locations in Nightvale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting.

And between now and November 30th, buy nine reverse colonics and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie. Subway. Devour your own empty heart. Exciting news about the abandoned mine shaft outside of town where people who vote incorrectly are taken by the secret police. HBO on demand will be made available to prisoners during their indefinite detention. All your favorite shows, such as The Wire, Sex and the City, and even new hits like Game of Thrones, will be available in every single show. sell. Additionally, the secret police announced they will be randomly executing one prisoner a day

until all incorrect votes are corrected. This just in. We're receiving word from the city council that there was absolutely not a Pink Floyd Multimedia Laser Spectacular this weekend at Radon Canyon, that there never was a Pink Floyd multimedia laser spectacular ever near Night Vale. Pink Floyd is not even a thing, said the council in a very stern but quiet statement just received by me here via phone. The council, and this is strange, the entire council, not just a representative of the council, the entire council issued this statement, all speaking in unison just now over the phone. That Night Vale citizens are prohibited from discussing any lights or sounds coming from Radon Canyon this past weekend, and that they should just stop remembering Pink Floyd shows altogether.

The council reiterated that there is no way that they are huge Floyd fans, privately using public funds on a laser-powered seance to talk hard-rockin classic jams with the ghost of original frontman Sid Barrett. And that Sid wouldn't even say anything juicy anyway because he is such a gentleman and an artist. This did not happen at all. So, listeners,

we urge you to look away from Radon Canyon. Avert your eyes, ears, and memories from that which is no longer allowed you. Comfort and distract yourselves with dense food and television programming. As the old adage goes, A life of pain is the pain of life, and you can never escape it. Only hope it hides unknown in a drawer like a poisonous spider and never comes out again, even though it probably will in unexpected and horrific fashion, scaring you from being able to comfortably conduct even the most mundane quotidian tasks.

Or, at least, that's how my grandparents always phrased it. And now, the weather. Well, things change fast. This two shall pass. Better carve it on your forehead or tattoo it on your ass. because who can tell When the clock strikes 12 If today's become tomorrow

It's all just gone to hell My friend makes rings She swirls and sings She's a mystic in the sense She's still mystified by things But scared to ask How can nothing seem to last It's like a cancer in your body

It all just goes too fast We think too big We think ourself is one whole thing and we claim that this collection has a name and is a being but deep inside when every cell divides well it sets upon the rule that

state self-interest is divine and cancer too lives by this golden rule that you must do unto the others as the others unto you all for the best because it's all that life accepts and so we kill it like a buffalo

with awe and with respect don't ask God just holler at the sky because she'll tell it to you plainly and the clouds that whisper by and praise the shapes and then praise the way they change and they'll teach you not to pray to light

without you pray to rains I pray to hands I pray to needs and I pray to blades of grass to find forgiveness in the weeds but as for health I just never did believe and so I never prayed myself

except to those that prayed for me. The story goes, or the way that I was told, there was a king that always felt too high, and then he fell too low, and so he called, all the wise men to the hall, and he begged them for a gift to end their eyes is in the falls. But here's the thing,

they came back with a ring, it was simple and was plainly unbefitting of the king, engraved in black. Well, it had no front of me, back and there were words around the band that said, you know, this two shall pass. Teddy Williams, over at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, has an update on the doorway into that vast underground city he found in the pin retrieval area of Lane 5. He says that every window of the city is now glowing both day and night.

And he heard the shouts and footsteps of what sounded like an army marching upwards toward the world above. He also said that, given that nothing really matters now, bowling is half off, and each game comes with a free basket of wings. Mmm, nothing like those desert flower wings. Let me leave you with this, dear listeners. We lead frantic lives, filled with needs and responsibilities, but completely devoid of any actual purpose. I say, let's try to enjoy the simple things. Life should be like a basket of chicken wings, salty, full of fat and vinegar, and surrounded by celery you'll never actually eat.

even when you're greedily sopping up the last viscous streaks of buffalo sauce from the wax paper with your spit-stained index finger. Yes, that is as life should be, Night Vale. Stay tuned next for a special live broadcast of the Night Vale Symphony Orchestra performing Eugene O'Neill's classic play, The Iceman Cometh. It is a good night. Listeners, good night. Welcome to Nightvale is a production of commonplace books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dysperition. All of it can be downloaded for free at dispirition. info. This episode's weather was This Two Shall Pass by Danny Schmidt. Find out more at dannyshmit.com. Want to have your music featured in the weather section? Want to contribute your talents to the show? Just want to say hi? Email us at Nightfail at commonplacebooks.com.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as our books on the unused story ideas of HP Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up. Today's proverb, we are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl, a ghost. Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale. Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show

an unofficial best friend food podcast. Join me, Meg Bashwinner and fellow try hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale. Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories. Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, even there.